Cee Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 I am not asking this question about deal breakers, but those more minor differences among couples. I am curious about what things you talk to your SO about and what things you chalk up to his/her style and personality. I'm in the honeymoon phase, but I struggle with knowing the difference between the bigger issues and the small stuff. I don't want to get on him about everything because he's tolerant of my weaknesses or peccadillos. I'm sorry if this post was vague. I didn't want to delve into specific issues, but talk about the larger concept. I could use some insight because I am not clear on the continuum of controlling vs. doormat. Thanks.
zengirl Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 One of the biggest issues with my last exBF was we let all this stuff slide (well, he did, and I let him) in the Honeymoon stage. Every difference of opinion we had was "not that big a deal" (not with the love chemicals flowing). I did raise a few issues, but he was quick to capitulate each time. Love drugs! But the second those chemicals began to settle in, we had a series of fights, he had doubts, and a few bad reactions pretty much destroyed all we worked for. I don't think we were fundamentally incompatible about the things we fought about (They really weren't a big deal, even with the love drugs settled) but his complete 180 on some of the issues and changing style bothered me a lot. So, I think it's important to be AWARE of how the honeymoon chemicals are affecting you. If we'd been more aware, I might still trust him, and there might have still been a chance for a relationship. Anyway, that's my latest lesson on this. In general, I'd say I learned long ago to discuss things, rather than bury them, but it took me a long time to figure out how to do it well. So, I'll "sit on" an idea when it's really annoying me (because that's an unproductive TIME to address it) a lot of the time, but then make sure I address it later. Anything you bury pops up later, but expressing it poorly can be really destructive. So, it's hard to find that balance.
EasyHeart Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 It's hard to answer this question in general terms, because a lot depends on what it is that's bothering you. For instance, I squeeze the toothpaste tube in the middle. Many women have tried to cure me of this disgusting, barbaric habit, but I'm simply too stupid to learn how to squeeze the tube from the bottom (which obviously explains why I am still single). Women have also tried to fix other ghastly habits of mine, such as drinking skim milk (when everyone knows that 2% is the correct variety), cleaning my bathroom (my clean bathroom puts 'too much pressure' on women to clean their own), watching the TV show "Survivor" (because 'it's stupid'), not chopping vegetable fast enough, and going to the gym after work (because everyone knows that the correct time to go to the gym is in the morning). If whatever he's doing is so horrible that you simply can't bear to live with it, then the important thing isn't when you bring it up, but how you bring it up. Try not to be critical or condescending and try to approach it from a positive perspective.
Kelemort Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 Ugh. My boyfriend has been TOO critical of me and too quick to speak up over minor things- from if I put a towel in a certain drawer, to opening the freezer for more than a few seconds to get something out of it, to something else arbitrary and stupid. The latest argument is that I'll leave our dirty laundry basket by the washer/dryer, and he wants it in the bedroom. Why it kills him to go, pick it up and take it back to the bedroom if that's what he wants over the course of a few seconds is beyond me, but he's forevermore bringing it up and getting angry. I'm with EasyHeart - people get furious over really, really, really stupid and petty crap. It's not that I'm not willing to help the guy out, but honestly, every little thing I do seems to drive him nuts. I'm not going to write a list the size of Texas to make sure he's happy with how I do every little thing. I'm assuming this is because we recently moved in together, but if it doesn't eventually settle down and settle down soon, I'm out of here. I have my own car/pay my own bills, and I choose to drive to the gym - even though it's only a few minutes' walk because it's often been very cold or rainy around here. The last thing I want to do post work-out is freeze to death or have the dreaded 'nipples very obviously poking through the shirt because it's cold' issue while I walk home. Call me a spoiled baby, but it's what I prefer to do. This generated a huge argument with him about how wasteful and stupid that is. Finally I just told him that since I wasn't using his car, he needed to drop it and move on. Honestly, that kind of nitpicky bull**** when it has nothing to do with the significant other just drives me nuts. He still has not learned how to pick his battles. I let little things slide - little things he says, little things he does. Do I complain when he leaves a mess around the sink? No. Do I complain when he leaves the desk area messy? Of course not. It's just not that big of a deal to me. Part of dating other people is you have to get accustomed to somebody else's style -and it's not like it takes me more than 5 or 10 minutes a day to adjust to some of the minor, unsavory things he does. I can't go my entire life picking at every little thing he does, but he has yet to learn that. Most of my complaints are focused around...well, the complaint I mentioned above; not going out or spending enough alone time together; his irritability...things of that sort. THOSE are the things worth mentioning because they affect me long-term, they affect the health of the relationship, and they make me unhappy. You can figure out if the complaint is minor or not sometimes by how quickly you get over it. If you get angry that he left the socks on the floor, but after 5 minutes you've forgotten, it's minor. If it's hours, days, weeks, months, or years, it's a serious issue and it needs to be brought up.
denise_xo Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 I am not asking this question about deal breakers, but those more minor differences among couples. I am curious about what things you talk to your SO about and what things you chalk up to his/her style and personality. I'm in the honeymoon phase, but I struggle with knowing the difference between the bigger issues and the small stuff. I don't want to get on him about everything because he's tolerant of my weaknesses or peccadillos. I'm sorry if this post was vague. I didn't want to delve into specific issues, but talk about the larger concept. I could use some insight because I am not clear on the continuum of controlling vs. doormat. Thanks. I've done the mistake of going much too far towards ignoring what I thought was smaller stuff and it's become really significant stuff, which has now made me seriously question the relationship for quite some time. So I guess it depends on what kind of person you are, but if you know you're not the controlling/ confrontational type to start off with, then my advice would be to take those issues relatively seriously. I didn't and I'm paying for it now.
Kelemort Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 I've done the mistake of going much too far towards ignoring what I thought was smaller stuff and it's become really significant stuff, which has now made me seriously question the relationship for quite some time. So I guess it depends on what kind of person you are, but if you know you're not the controlling/ confrontational type to start off with, then my advice would be to take those issues relatively seriously. I didn't and I'm paying for it now. If you don't mind my prying, what happened, Denise? I can empathize - when my boyfriend and I first started dating, and even before, he would frequently mention his ex-girlfriends. It wasn't so much in a "oh man I want to be with them" sort of way, but talking about things they had done together, etc. I figured, "Well, he hasn't been serious with anyone in a while, so of course his focus is on that." ...We started dating in October 2008. By January 2010, he would still frequently bring them up. I had to hear about how I would've liked his ex-girlfriend and he was thinking about getting a book autographed and sent to her. I finally put my foot down and told him it was time to knock it off. I once dumped his ass because I discovered that he still had a bunch of pictures of her around after he agreed he would put them up so I wouldn't have to see it all of the time. That seems to have set him straight, and it's now been several months that we've been FINALLY living in the present. If it bothers you enough to bother you all night, my advice still stands - bring it up. Don't let it sit and simmer for YEARS like a big idiot like me.
zengirl Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 Oh, for the record, I agree with not nitpicking silly habits. But what makes them "silly" is that you realize you really don't care about them at all. Too many people let the silly habits build up and then they become something they aren't. Whether verbalized or not, of course, be sure as to whether the issue is silly or meaningful.
denise_xo Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 If you don't mind my prying, what happened, Denise? Not one particular thing as in your case - more about general differences in personality combined with sexual incompatibility - easily down played during infatuation stage Glad you've sorted it out, though
Author Cee Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 I appreciate what people have been saying. It's helpful feedback to be more assertive. I tend to let things slide until I better understand what my gripe is about. Also, being in the honeymoon stage, all I have to do is look at him and all the difficulties drop away. And there aren't many problems at all, small annoyances. I talked to my BF once so far about something that bothered me. It had something with him not calling enough. He still doesn't call that much, but I now pick up the slack and call him. Not once has he not picked up or returned the call immediately. So, I'll say that's good enough for me.
EasyHeart Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 the dreaded 'nipples very obviously poking through the shirt because it's cold' issue while I walk home. Speaking on behalf of all of the men of the world, this is not "dreaded". IT IS A PUBLIC SERVICE, DAMMIT!!! tyia
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