Martianbrain Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 Sorry about the long text: After a Year and a half together i said i wouldn't do it ever again, but we had a massively bad fight last friday, in the heat of the arguement i told her to get out of the house if she was going to talk to me like that..... and so she did. and wow - i have done some stupid things in my life, but asking her to do that, in the middle of an intense fight was probably the stupidest...and i did it 3 times before (i dont blame her for not taking it anymore) my partner is unemployed trying to kickstart her photography business, i have been working since she's been in TAFE/Technical College trying to keep us fed and the bills paid...the stress was unimaginable, well she graduated and still hadnt got it up and going, i asked her to part time do the housework as i had to work full time, i dont think she thought that was fair... i have an untreated anxiety and depression disorder (lucky me)... my own child abuse issues during our relationship have crept up - i didnt listen to her to get it checked and treated and here we are.. and since christmas we had started to talk to each other bitterly.. and i didnt listen to her... i didnt pick up on the signals, i was too caught up in trying to make sure the house we rent of my grandparents is being looked after - out of fear of losing everything. During the fight that broke the camels back i was abusive - i swore and pulled her around the room trying to talk to her - i dont hit women... iwas just being stupid.. i accept full responsibility, we had been living in a stressful situation, there is no excuse for abuse but there are reasons i had less control of myself. So its been a week since her and the kids went to live at her grandmas, i was told she wanted to have an exclusive relationship with me, but just not live together, but again - i thought this was just a slow death being offered and i was hurt so i kept saying stupid things over text (i have managed to stop this now). Finalyl she came back from her parents house and Today (6 days on) my partner and i talked in a park, she let me hold her hands, the first thing i did was look her in the eye and say i was sorry for breaking her heart, she told me i needed to get help, but she also said shes not sure where she is about the relationship, she says she loves me, i told her that i would do anything to keep her and her kids (im a stepdad, and i love those two boys with all my heart). Shes going to move in with her sister, close by - tommorow she'll come with her folks to pick the stuff up. She says she is giving me another chance - i have already got referals to psychiatrists, and showed her im ready to do counselling - then see a psychologist, she says she may not be who i want or need, i told her she was the best woman ive ever known or loved and i would always want to be with her... She said i was getting physical and it wouldnt end with me pulling her around the room, i told her if i laid a hand on her or the kids i would kill myself - which is serious, i would - i grew up with that sh** doing that would make me what i hate. So we got an orange juice at a cafe, and we walked back to the car holding hands, i got her to drop me off a little up the street so she didnt have to see our old place, and she gave me a kiss on the lips and i said to her with all sincerity i will fix this, i have said the same to the kids.. I don't know what to do, she hasnt given me a guideline to get back together, i keep telling her she is welcome back home whenever she wants, she said she has no plans for me long term and that can change, but now - she loves me and that i'd have to live with that.. with not knowing...and to be honest it scares me, i made mistakes, but hindsight is 20/20 had i known i wouldve listened to her, i would've fixed it before now. I have quit drinking on work nights, i have shaved off my dreads (new look, plus her ex had dreads - and i didnt when we met), i have stop sending stupid texts and emails, i have stopped begging her to come home, i have gotten a referal from a dr to see a psychiatrist (have to do that in Aust). I talk to her kindly, i dont mess with the kids heads (never did that)... i dont know what to do or if there's any hope...
2.50 a gallon Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 From your post I would say there is lots of hope. Talking, holding hands, and a kiss, most of the posters on this board would give their right arm to be in your shoes. Don't blow it. Do not push, beg, etc. Just let it happen. In the meantime work on you. Follow through on your doctor, also check into anger management. Be confident, think positive, I see the light and I am going to fix this. I am going to become a better man Do it for yourself, not just for her.
Author Martianbrain Posted April 27, 2011 Author Posted April 27, 2011 thank you 2.50 G, so far - i sat down with the parents and her - after they got her stuff out of here.. i told them how it all happened and what i was doing to fix it, they said they wouldn't give up.. .but my partner, she said she still hasn't decided and i said i would try and respect what she said, and have been trying not to push it... (its hard!) I asked her not to come and finish off the packing today- i was at braeking point emotionally, as its been 2 days in a row - i was there the whole time, offered help - i didnt argue over what was taken, only asking her to leave enough pots and cutlery to eat. It's hard living with a sword over your head, not knowing what she'll choose in the long run, i've been sticking to the 8 o'clock rule of hers, not to call her any other time, but ive been getting annoyed im always the one calling... i'm trying not to blow this, or sink into depression, which reminds me, the internet is on, so is the phone, better call up the counsellor.
robf1971 Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 Sorry about the long text: After a Year and a half together i said i wouldn't do it ever again, but we had a massively bad fight last friday, in the heat of the arguement i told her to get out of the house if she was going to talk to me like that..... and so she did. and wow - i have done some stupid things in my life, but asking her to do that, in the middle of an intense fight was probably the stupidest...and i did it 3 times before (i dont blame her for not taking it anymore) my partner is unemployed trying to kickstart her photography business, i have been working since she's been in TAFE/Technical College trying to keep us fed and the bills paid...the stress was unimaginable, well she graduated and still hadnt got it up and going, i asked her to part time do the housework as i had to work full time, i dont think she thought that was fair... i have an untreated anxiety and depression disorder (lucky me)... my own child abuse issues during our relationship have crept up - i didnt listen to her to get it checked and treated and here we are.. and since christmas we had started to talk to each other bitterly.. and i didnt listen to her... i didnt pick up on the signals, i was too caught up in trying to make sure the house we rent of my grandparents is being looked after - out of fear of losing everything. During the fight that broke the camels back i was abusive - i swore and pulled her around the room trying to talk to her - i dont hit women... iwas just being stupid.. i accept full responsibility, we had been living in a stressful situation, there is no excuse for abuse but there are reasons i had less control of myself. So its been a week since her and the kids went to live at her grandmas, i was told she wanted to have an exclusive relationship with me, but just not live together, but again - i thought this was just a slow death being offered and i was hurt so i kept saying stupid things over text (i have managed to stop this now). Finalyl she came back from her parents house and Today (6 days on) my partner and i talked in a park, she let me hold her hands, the first thing i did was look her in the eye and say i was sorry for breaking her heart, she told me i needed to get help, but she also said shes not sure where she is about the relationship, she says she loves me, i told her that i would do anything to keep her and her kids (im a stepdad, and i love those two boys with all my heart). Shes going to move in with her sister, close by - tommorow she'll come with her folks to pick the stuff up. She says she is giving me another chance - i have already got referals to psychiatrists, and showed her im ready to do counselling - then see a psychologist, she says she may not be who i want or need, i told her she was the best woman ive ever known or loved and i would always want to be with her... She said i was getting physical and it wouldnt end with me pulling her around the room, i told her if i laid a hand on her or the kids i would kill myself - which is serious, i would - i grew up with that sh** doing that would make me what i hate. So we got an orange juice at a cafe, and we walked back to the car holding hands, i got her to drop me off a little up the street so she didnt have to see our old place, and she gave me a kiss on the lips and i said to her with all sincerity i will fix this, i have said the same to the kids.. I don't know what to do, she hasnt given me a guideline to get back together, i keep telling her she is welcome back home whenever she wants, she said she has no plans for me long term and that can change, but now - she loves me and that i'd have to live with that.. with not knowing...and to be honest it scares me, i made mistakes, but hindsight is 20/20 had i known i wouldve listened to her, i would've fixed it before now. I have quit drinking on work nights, i have shaved off my dreads (new look, plus her ex had dreads - and i didnt when we met), i have stop sending stupid texts and emails, i have stopped begging her to come home, i have gotten a referal from a dr to see a psychiatrist (have to do that in Aust). I talk to her kindly, i dont mess with the kids heads (never did that)... i dont know what to do or if there's any hope... I think you are realising that actions speak 10 million times louder than words. Consistent actions speak 10 Billion times louder than words. Take massive action to change yourself, she will see, that is your best chance of bringing her back. Do not crow to her about the changes you are making just do them. While you are at it start keep healthy, work hard, do some social stuff. Try to make life as enjoyable as possible. Do not contact her unless about the children, let her do all the calling. Please understand that it's gonna take months of consistent actions for her to see that you have changed, like turning a supertanker around..
Author Martianbrain Posted April 28, 2011 Author Posted April 28, 2011 thank you Rob1971, i have taken yours and 2.50 g's advice to heart, she switches her phone off alot at the moment, mama said to just let have her sapce but, my god, it feels like - nothing, i feel hurt, and confused, but i bet she does too. i hope she understands that i recognise all the things that made us beautfiul and all the things that made us ugly, and i want to just lock on to the beautiful, she's still unsure where's she's at but ive got a psychiartist and a psychologist, to deal with these issues, i am unsure how to tell her i am making a difference though, or if i even should..... i miss her like crazy, and not just for sex, i miss talking to her, she was my best friend and lover, i feel like im going to go out of my mind
robf1971 Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 i am unsure how to tell her i am making a difference though, or if i even should..... i miss her like crazy, and not just for sex, i miss talking to her, she was my best friend and lover, i feel like im going to go out of my mind Do not tell her what you are doing. She will find out on her own.. Yes you miss her but everything you need to do at this point is counter intuitive. ie not what you feel like doing. However at some point in the future there will be a time to start pursuing. What can you do for you today? this is what you need to be asking yourself when you wake up.
Author Martianbrain Posted April 29, 2011 Author Posted April 29, 2011 Damn, stupidness! havent been able to do no contact, called her up to give her a heartfelt apology (for the 13241324123 time) got blasted back to the stone age! was demanded to give some space, so i told her fine - she can call me when she wants to talk, i'll just wait here until she's decided on whether to fix this or not. and then reminded her a relationship is two way communication - not just me guessing her mood to talk (got sick and tired of being ignored when i called on the contact time we organised). she was yelling at me for not having a normal conversation with her, i told her its a little hard at the moment, since we're both hurt at each other. then she went on to yell about things, i guess that are still floating around in her head at the moment. So im going to back away - completely leave it in her hands to call me, not sure if thats what she wants, im very confused (i learnt fire was hot by sticking my face into the flames! - sarcastic comment, but you get the point). But then, if i do No contact, how do i talk to the kids?
jaymz Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 But then, if i do No contact, how do i talk to the kids? Thats the hardest bit for me. I text my wife during the day and tell her I'm going to call the kids at a certain time. When i call she answers but I just ask to speak to the kids, not rude but following the 180 rules.
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