jehammer Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 Hello everyone! I have been browsing alot on this forum and think its great, so I have decided to ask you all a question that has been bothering me about my relationship and hope you can help. I have been with my bf for 2 years. We live an hour away. See eachother almost every weekend. I have kids, he does not. He has YET to meet my children. THAT is my issue. He has asked me to move in about a month ago- I told him it would have to wait until I work some things out, and now he has said he wants to wait til my kids are older until we move in together. Says it will be easier when they are older. My kids are 16 and 9. My 16 year old is Autistic. He says that doesnt bother him and if he has to live with us thats fine, but I dont understand why he wont take the time to come up and meet them after 2 years! He tells me to bring them down there. His ex wife had kids and before they got married he drove up to her place every weekend to visit, so why is it different now? I asked him that question- and he dodged it. He says I am the one he wants to be with forever, and marry. So I just dont get it. Any thoughts here? Thanks so much!
windows Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 If he wants to be a part of your life, he needs to be a part with ALL of your life. That includes your children. Nothing worse than arbitrarily giving them a step-father they don't know at all. Dig your heels in and get him to meet them. edit: It will be a lot harder for the kids when they are older actually, especially your 9 year old. Your 9 year old needs to meet and build a rapport before anything like this can happen. Sort this out sooner than later.
Jynxx Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 (edited) This is going to be an extremely stressful situation for him, and this time he's aware of it upfront. He wants to remove part of the stress by handling it on known territory so he's not willing to do it at your place. He also tries to delay it, which is a natural reaction. Propose to bring your kids over to his place, "just to see what it's like". See how he reacts, you can persuade him if he has doubts. But whatever you do, don't keep going on about this, as you will most likely not change his mind and only cause alot of irritation on his part by bringing it up again and again. Also understand that in his eyes he's making a sacrifice by willing to take your kids and provide housing and food for them, and while he doesn't need to be "rewarded" for it, he definitely shouldn't be "punished" for it. Passive aggressive behavior is asking for problems here. Comfort him as much as you can the hours beforehand, act like it's his birthday and try to get the atmosphere as relaxed as possible. Edited April 25, 2011 by Jynxx fixed misinterpretation
Author jehammer Posted April 25, 2011 Author Posted April 25, 2011 Thanks for the advice- I can see where you both are coming from, I am not sure I can "treat him like its his birthday" though lol I am irritated with him. I almost feel like he loved his ex more if he did it for her and not for me. Or maybe I am reading into it wrong, I dont know. I will lay off him for awhile and see where he goes. My sons b-day party is friday- I invited him, and he said yes he will come, but then he acted weird so I told him he didnt have to. So we'll see if he does or not.
Jynxx Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 Come on people, help a newb out here or at least tell us if you like Windows or my advice
Professor X Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 Well, I got the feeling there's more than meets the eye here. 2yrs together but is yet to meet your kids you say? well, if he says it alright with him for you to bring you kids over, than by all means, do it. You should really. From the sound of things, your kids are the last wall the 2 of you got, so to speak, before you can really get things going. So the sooner you get them to meet, the better I reckon. Well, in any rate, he has said he'll come to your kids B-day. So just wait it out and see what happens. If he comes great! if he doesn't, well... tell him you're coming next week with them.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 That is an excessively strange situation and raises a big red flag for me. How has he managed to avoid this for two years?
anne1707 Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 This is going to be an extremely stressful situation for him, and this time he's aware of it upfront. He wants to remove part of the stress by handling it on known territory so he's not willing to do it at your place. He also tries to delay it, which is a natural reaction. But it will also be stressful for the children - one who is only 9 and the other who is autistic and quite possibly needs clear, structured routine. Taking the children out of their safe environment to meet someone is not ideal. Jehammer - does he not recognise and appreciate that the children will also be stressed about this meeting? Propose to bring your kids over to his place, "just to see what it's like". See how he reacts, you can persuade him if he has doubts. But whatever you do, don't keep going on about this, as you will most likely not change his mind and only cause alot of irritation on his part by bringing it up again and again. However if the boyfriend is not willing to come to the OP's home then the above might be the only option. At least the OP will finally know whether the boyfriend is genuine about taking things further. Also understand that in his eyes he's making a sacrifice by willing to take your kids and provide housing and food for them, and while he doesn't need to be "rewarded" for it, he definitely shouldn't be "punished" for it. But if he does view it as a sacrifice then that is not a healthy start to living as a family. It will just lead to resentment. Passive aggressive behavior is asking for problems here. Comfort him as much as you can the hours beforehand, act like it's his birthday and try to get the atmosphere as relaxed as possible. I may be wrong but I have read this as a suggestion for how the boyfriend should be treated. The OP already has two children to look after - does she also need to treat the boyfriend like a third child to coerce him to see her kids?
Jynxx Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 But if he does view it as a sacrifice then that is not a healthy start to living as a family. It will just lead to resentment. I disagree. There are positive aspects about a partner and negative aspects. As long as the positives outweigh the negatives there's no problem. I may be wrong but I have read this as a suggestion for how the boyfriend should be treated. That was sort of the question, or at least that's what I thought it was. If the question in the op was whether or not the relationship upto now was close to ideal, then I apologize. I try to be problem solving rather than judgmental in these spots. The OP already has two children to look after - does she also need to treat the boyfriend like a third child to coerce him to see her kids? No you are absolutely right! She just needs to dig her heels in, be passive aggressive and cause as much drama and stress as possible out of spite for him waiting 2 years. Then she should try to manipulate him into meeting her children even if he doesn't feel ready for it, all the while ignoring his feelings and doubts. That will do the relationship much good. Seriously, she needs to stand behind and support her partner in what he will feel is a tough moment for him. That's what partners do. It's even more obviously the correct thing to do when she is the source of the stressful situation, even if it's indirectly.
anne1707 Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 I disagree. There are positive aspects about a partner and negative aspects. As long as the positives outweigh the negatives there's no problem. I would say that possible resentment of the OP's children would far outweigh any positives. He should be wanting to build a relationship with her children just as much as build one with her if they are all to live together. To view it as a sacrifice is just a completely negative viewpoint. That was sort of the question, or at least that's what I thought it was. If the question in the op was whether or not the relationship upto now was close to ideal, then I apologize. I try to be problem solving rather than judgmental in these spots. OK No you are absolutely right! She just needs to dig her heels in, be passive aggressive and cause as much drama and stress as possible out of spite for him waiting 2 years. Then she should try to manipulate him into meeting her children even if he doesn't feel ready for it, all the while ignoring his feelings and doubts. That will do the relationship much good. Did I suggest she should behave in the such a way? No. All I said was that she should not have to treat her man like a third child to get this relationship on track. He is an adult and should be treated as such. The relationship should be built on mutual respect and commitment with BOTH taking each others feelings into consideration. Seriously, she needs to stand behind and support her partner in what he will feel is a tough moment for him. That's what partners do. It's even more obviously the correct thing to do when she is the source of the stressful situation, even if it's indirectly. Seriously, she needs to stand by her children. That's what parents do. This man has avoided seeing them for two years. This is one huge red flag in my opinion if he has not wanted to take any real interest in the lives of the OP's children.
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