RP39 Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 See?? This here is your problem. Your lack of confidence. No one finds that attractive. And in my life I've not come across a lot of bad kissers (it's probably only been about 5% to 10%), so you'll probably do ok! What is kissing someone romantically? You just do it! And then see where that leads you! YOU are hindering your chances. Stop overthinking things and just go for it! At least, even if it sucks, you can at least know what it's like! And next time will be better! If one fails at something repeatedly, they are not going to be confident at it. One could fake confidence but you all can see right through that. Over and over I hear the guy must be the leader and the woman don't want to train. 39 and no relationship expereince means I'm in no position to lead and for some reason it's too much of a burden to many of you to be his first. I don't have much of a chance. How many people would want me flying an airplane if I had never gotten anywhere near a cockpit before?
Author Saraswati57 Posted April 25, 2011 Author Posted April 25, 2011 The extreme social anxiety would likely be a bigger hindrance than your lack of experience. Yes, I agree. According to the human development science, the point of no return is about after 40. From 20 to 40, every person is in the stage called 'intimacy vs. isolation' (the scale of human development of Erickson). If a person was not able to achieve intimacy during the time, he is not probably capable of doing that later in life. Interesting concept, but I know the older I get the harder it will be for me to connect, I think that is true for any human being.
veggirl Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 Most women will not date a virgin or someone with no relationship experience over 25. Especially not way over 25. Where exactly are you pulling this "data" from? The other thread that had maybe 20 people who commented w/ various POVs? Why are you ignoring the folks who said they WOULD date, they WOULD f*ck a man who is older and inexperienced? How do you get your dates? Online? You need a woman who is socially awkward as well, clearly, because you don't seem to want to better that about yourself. I'm very sorry but if you come across IRL how you do online then yes you are 100% shooting yourself in the foot.
Author Saraswati57 Posted April 25, 2011 Author Posted April 25, 2011 I suppose I'm looking for a way to effectively change my behavior/responses to things. My current pattern is unhealthy and isn't going to improve my situation. Basically I want to improve my situation.
Kelemort Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 There is no "point of no return." Is it a little unusual to meet someone in their mid-20s who has never dated? Well, yes. But I have several friends in the 23 - 26 range who haven't, and that's fine - for a variety of reasons. Some just because guys haven't approached 'em, some just because they're content that way. I don't want to know about a person's past relationships when I first start going out. If you're anxious about bringing up your history, smile politely on a date and change the subject. Depending on who you're with or your own style, cheesy lines the likes of, "I'm not interested in the past, but I am interested in you" could go over well (cheesy senses of humor for the win), or even just a simple, "I don't know if I feel like talking about any of that yet. How did you like the movie/golf outing/etc.?" If you turn out to be a remarkable boyfriend, then your past history doesn't matter now does it? If you fill all my needs, I could care less if you've been with somebody else.
Author Saraswati57 Posted April 25, 2011 Author Posted April 25, 2011 There is no "point of no return." Is it a little unusual to meet someone in their mid-20s who has never dated? Well, yes. But I have several friends in the 23 - 26 range who haven't, and that's fine - for a variety of reasons. Some just because guys haven't approached 'em, some just because they're content that way. I don't want to know about a person's past relationships when I first start going out. If you're anxious about bringing up your history, smile politely on a date and change the subject. Depending on who you're with or your own style, cheesy lines the likes of, "I'm not interested in the past, but I am interested in you" could go over well (cheesy senses of humor for the win), or even just a simple, "I don't know if I feel like talking about any of that yet. How did you like the movie/golf outing/etc.?" If you turn out to be a remarkable boyfriend, then your past history doesn't matter now does it? If you fill all my needs, I could care less if you've been with somebody else. I know that women can vary in their preferences--and the limits to what they'll accept in the form of baggage. At the same time, I know it's not unreasonable for a women to prefer someone with experience, as that in itself connotes many positive things. I guess my question is, how can I gain experience with my current predicament firmly in place? I liked your suggestion of playing the mystery card, that can have a double benefit. It can allow me to dodge revealing my questionable past, but I'm sure there's plenty of women out there that love mystery. But, I can only do this for so long, and not all women go for this.
gaius Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 There is a point of no return and it's way before 39. RP, it doesn't matter how old you are, if you approach a woman and have all the qualities shes seeking she will want to sleep with you. Virgin or not. I say this with much respect, you seem to have a lot of very deep, crippling insecurities. Have you ever tried any therapy? I have and found it extremely helpful in a lot of areas. 39 years is a long time to suffer.
MissJoness Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 I'm 26, and only had one real relationship and that was about 3 years ago. Usually when I'm around my peers, I just lie about my experience. I pick up on things that I've heard acquintances say or things I've heard in the media about relationships, kinda exaggerate the intensity of the relationship, etc It's really not that hard. When they ask why Ive taken such a long break I just fib and say he cheated on me a lot or that he was so abusive that it took me a few years to recover..you hear this stuff all the time. I even lied and said I lived with my boyfriend for 2 years. You have to learn tactics on how to survive in the dating world. Most of the time, ppl dont like hearing you dwell on past relationships anyway, it makes you sound bitter. Usually I make this stuff up so I can relate to my peers when they're talking about relationships..
thatdog Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 RP - really. It might not be the most exciting and romantic way to lose your V, but if you really are too anxious about your inexperience with kissing and ****ing when just starting out on a first date then yu might as well go out and get some experience. Save up and go get yourself a 'girlfriend experience'. If prostitution is illegal in your state, take a holiday somewhere it isn't. It might not get you a leg up on the relationship inexperience but at least you won't be going on dates already preoccupied with the worry you won't know how to 'do it' if/when the time comes...
Nexus One Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 I'm 26, and only had one real relationship and that was about 3 years ago. Usually when I'm around my peers, I just lie about my experience. I pick up on things that I've heard acquintances say or things I've heard in the media about relationships, kinda exaggerate the intensity of the relationship, etc It's really not that hard. When they ask why Ive taken such a long break I just fib and say he cheated on me a lot or that he was so abusive that it took me a few years to recover..you hear this stuff all the time. I even lied and said I lived with my boyfriend for 2 years. You have to learn tactics on how to survive in the dating world. Most of the time, ppl dont like hearing you dwell on past relationships anyway, it makes you sound bitter. Usually I make this stuff up so I can relate to my peers when they're talking about relationships.. Do you also lie about it against (potential) boyfriends?
MissJoness Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 Do you also lie about it against (potential) boyfriends? Yeah, I do. I would like to be more truthful about it, because there is something so bittersweet about being able to tell a guy he was the first man I ever spent the night with, or the first guy I've ever done xyz with--its very fulfilling to be able to share that with someone but at the same time I fear potential suitors may view me as being inadequate for my lack of relationship experience. But I'm not really sure if men care all that much about past relationships; I've met a few potential suitors in the past and they'll briefly ask me about it but then its not a topic thats ever brought up again.
Ross MwcFan Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 RP - really. It might not be the most exciting and romantic way to lose your V, but if you really are too anxious about your inexperience with kissing and ****ing when just starting out on a first date then yu might as well go out and get some experience. Save up and go get yourself a 'girlfriend experience'. If prostitution is illegal in your state, take a holiday somewhere it isn't. It might not get you a leg up on the relationship inexperience but at least you won't be going on dates already preoccupied with the worry you won't know how to 'do it' if/when the time comes... I doubt he'd ever do that. He doesn't even like looking at porn.
Eeyore79 Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 Most women will not date a virgin or someone with no relationship experience over 25. Especially not way over 25. I dated and had sex with a 26yo virgin; I never had better sex in my entire life Most men think they know what they're doing, and insist on doing it their way even if it's entirely wrong - plus they've had previous girlfriends who faked orgasms, so they insist there's something wrong with you if you don't "cum" porn movie style when they as much as breathe in your direction. In contrast, the virgin guy had no false expectations and was willing to do things however I told him to, resulting in numerous (real!) orgasms for me, and therefore the best sex ever
Hurtbunny Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 Omg. This thread makes me want to slit my wrists. Its so depressing. You sound like you have a lot more issues than just dating. I think you are depressed, and should work on those issues and then social awareness and confidence will come back as those issues are dealt with. I'm 24, I would easily date a man in his thirties who was a virgin, it wouldn't bother me in the slightest if I liked him as a person. You need to think about all the good qualities you have. Yes you are unusual but its just a case of finding other people who embrace that, value and admire it. There will be plenty of women who don't want to 'train' as you put it. But there will be plenty of women who could't care less. People fall in love with people, not with sexual skills or fantastic kissers. Someone is going to want all of you, the whole package, but if you stay feeling this sorry for yourself you aren't going to find it. Sorry about the tone of this message it just kills me to see people so unhappy when I know they can change it. IMHO you can all find love but you need a little self inprovement first - exercise, diet, etc. You need to feel better about yourself first - then you can attract love. So that means socialising with people, getting to know people. I don't see you as having lost out on anything at all - if anything most men in their thirties have 2 rubbish marriages behind them anyway - you can work on yourself as a mature person and find a suitable life partner. Sex is something you can pick up with the right person you trust so I don't see this as the huge issue you are making it out to be. If you don't work on your social skills, however, you will never get to the stage where that right person will accept your past history and want to have sex with you. Volunteer, meet new people, (men and women), you will meet women through friends of friends, don't just go out and focus on 'finding women', because life doesn't work like that. These things nearly always happen as you are in the middle of focusing on something else. Make yourself dateable, be the sort of person that YOU would want to date if you were a woman. So working out, going to the gym, dressing smart, working on your manners, socialising, all of that stuff. Just live live to the max - don't think about relationships. Also the OP's friend sounds like he has asberger's IMO.. in which case he can easily meet and date other aspie's or people more understanding. Extreme social cock ups like that are common in my friends with asberger's - who literally don't understand that what they are saying is offensive or embarrasing until I explain to them later.
tman666 Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 Yeah, I do. I would like to be more truthful about it, because there is something so bittersweet about being able to tell a guy he was the first man I ever spent the night with, or the first guy I've ever done xyz with--its very fulfilling to be able to share that with someone but at the same time I fear potential suitors may view me as being inadequate for my lack of relationship experience. But I'm not really sure if men care all that much about past relationships; I've met a few potential suitors in the past and they'll briefly ask me about it but then its not a topic thats ever brought up again. It's so hard for me (as a guy) to imagine being somehow turned off by a girl sharing those kinds of "firsts" with you. I would absolutely love it if I was dating a girl and we were sharing those times together. The only way I can see those details becoming a problem is if they're shared in a creepy, possessive sort of way (think Wedding Crashers). To me, it's much, much more of a turn off to find out that a girl has seemingly had every experience in the world, both sexually and non-sexually, prior to meeting you: "Yeah, I used to do anal A LOT, but not anymore", "My ex-boyfriend and I went to Peru for two months and lived with a shaman in the mountains and blah blah blah", "My family and I have a vacation home in Malta that we go to twice a year." "I've messed around with probably 50 guys, but you're the best so far! :rolleyes:" I'd rather be with a girl that I can experience life with TOGETHER. It's not like she has to be a virgin, but there's a happy medium...
Author Saraswati57 Posted April 27, 2011 Author Posted April 27, 2011 Omg. This thread makes me want to slit my wrists. Its so depressing. You sound like you have a lot more issues than just dating. I think you are depressed, and should work on those issues and then social awareness and confidence will come back as those issues are dealt with. I'm 24, I would easily date a man in his thirties who was a virgin, it wouldn't bother me in the slightest if I liked him as a person. You need to think about all the good qualities you have. Yes you are unusual but its just a case of finding other people who embrace that, value and admire it. There will be plenty of women who don't want to 'train' as you put it. But there will be plenty of women who could't care less. People fall in love with people, not with sexual skills or fantastic kissers. Someone is going to want all of you, the whole package, but if you stay feeling this sorry for yourself you aren't going to find it. Sorry about the tone of this message it just kills me to see people so unhappy when I know they can change it. IMHO you can all find love but you need a little self inprovement first - exercise, diet, etc. You need to feel better about yourself first - then you can attract love. So that means socialising with people, getting to know people. I don't see you as having lost out on anything at all - if anything most men in their thirties have 2 rubbish marriages behind them anyway - you can work on yourself as a mature person and find a suitable life partner. Sex is something you can pick up with the right person you trust so I don't see this as the huge issue you are making it out to be. If you don't work on your social skills, however, you will never get to the stage where that right person will accept your past history and want to have sex with you. Volunteer, meet new people, (men and women), you will meet women through friends of friends, don't just go out and focus on 'finding women', because life doesn't work like that. These things nearly always happen as you are in the middle of focusing on something else. Make yourself dateable, be the sort of person that YOU would want to date if you were a woman. So working out, going to the gym, dressing smart, working on your manners, socialising, all of that stuff. Just live live to the max - don't think about relationships. Also the OP's friend sounds like he has asberger's IMO.. in which case he can easily meet and date other aspie's or people more understanding. Extreme social cock ups like that are common in my friends with asberger's - who literally don't understand that what they are saying is offensive or embarrasing until I explain to them later. "OPs friend", are you referring to my roomate? Not sure why you would think about asperger's except for it took him so long to lose his v-card. As for the rest of the post, was it directed towards me or that RP dude? Sorry, it is late for me here.
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