cerridwen Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 I have distanced myself from a friend after she let me down when I was in need. We have known each other 3 years. We only have 2 mutual friends so it's not likely I'll run into her socializing. My question is: Do we need to have a "breakup talk" with me explaining why I haven't been in contact? Her last two texts and one call have gone unanswered. I just planned to fade out as I have no desire to keep her in my life. But, I want to do the right thing. If that means having an uncomfortable conversation, so be it. Thanks.
orangelady Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 It depends on where you want to see this friendship going. Why would it be a breakup if you're not a couple? She's just a friend. But if you want to let her know how she's let you down, have a chat with her. Or text her, whatever it takes. Just say "Honestly, I feel you have let me down because..........a, b and c." See what she says, then take it from there. Don't just stop talking. People would be at loss. I've been there - wondering why a friend just stopped talking to me and it hurt a lot. It may be a big misunderstanding after all.
Author cerridwen Posted April 25, 2011 Author Posted April 25, 2011 It depends on where you want to see this friendship going. Why would it be a breakup if you're not a couple? She's just a friend. But if you want to let her know how she's let you down, have a chat with her. Or text her, whatever it takes. Just say "Honestly, I feel you have let me down because..........a, b and c." See what she says, then take it from there. Don't just stop talking. People would be at loss. I've been there - wondering why a friend just stopped talking to me and it hurt a lot. It may be a big misunderstanding after all. I've been there too, Orange. That's why it feels...wrong. It feels unkind to just let someone hang in the wind. Yet, I question how productive having a talk is, when I'd have to say: "I've done countless favors for you; supported you through trying times; been generous when you've been the opposite and when I was sick and alone, you disappeared. You only reappeared once to ask for ANOTHER favor. When I didn't grant it, you disappeared again only to resurface weeks later asking how I am via text. WE LIVE 10 MINUTES FROM EACH OTHER! I TOLD YOU HOW MUCH PAIN I WAS IN AND YOU RESPOND WITH A SAD FACE OVER TEXT?!?!..I tell you they're screening for cancer and I'm greeted with zero response?.." There's more but you get the gist. What do you think?
ALonerAgain Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 (edited) I've been there too, Orange. That's why it feels...wrong. It feels unkind to just let someone hang in the wind. Yet, I question how productive having a talk is, when I'd have to say: "I've done countless favors for you; supported you through trying times; been generous when you've been the opposite and when I was sick and alone, you disappeared. You only reappeared once to ask for ANOTHER favor. When I didn't grant it, you disappeared again only to resurface weeks later asking how I am via text. WE LIVE 10 MINUTES FROM EACH OTHER! I TOLD YOU HOW MUCH PAIN I WAS IN AND YOU RESPOND WITH A SAD FACE OVER TEXT?!?!..I tell you they're screening for cancer and I'm greeted with zero response?.." There's more but you get the gist. What do you think? I think speaking to her about it is sound advice, especially if it's bothering you this much. Although I wouldn't launch straightaway into 'attack' mode. Maybe start off by telling her how you feel let down by her and that she doesn't seem to take the friendship seriously. If she acts confused, then maybe list the examples you've described above. Perhaps she's not a person who knows how to deal with sensitive issues involving others? Her insensitivity may not come from malice, just that she may lack 'people/friendship' skills. Then maybe say what you expect from a friendship and if she doesn't feel the same way, then part ways. But at least you would have given both of yourselves a chance to explain and 'clear the air'. However you decide to handle it, good luck! Edited April 25, 2011 by ALonerAgain
writergal Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 (edited) ceridwen, I've been where you are with your mid-term length friendship of 3 years, who it sounds like from your post, only wants a one-sided friendship with you: you do all the emotional support for her and she gives you nothing in return because she doesn't view you as someone she wants to invest in. Clearly there's a power imbalance here with you having emotionally invested far more than she has. I'm sorry about your cancer screening experience. It was very shallow of your friend to respond with a lame frown face text when you told her you were being screened for cancer. If she really cared about your feelings and wanted to emotionally support you she would have called. Plain and simple. She doesn't view you as good of a friend as you may have viewed her. Look on the positive side, her lack of proper sympathy etiquette shows her true character. She is not someone you could go to if you are diagnosed with cancer (which I hope is not the case). Who wants a friend like that when you may have to go through something as scary as disease. You need real friends to rally around you, not shallow acquaintances, which is what she sounds like. I agree with AlonerAgain about speaking to her...but for your benefit only. Your friend clearly lacks any empathy or sympathy for you. For god sake, you told her you were being screened for cancer and she can't pick up the phone and call you to reassure you?! After 3 years of friendship? Her lame frown face text is very shallow and frankly, she doesn't deserve the "closure" talk. Just let that friendship fade into the ether and don't look back or regret it. Sometimes it's justifiable to walk away from a friendship in silence when you know the other person involved won't give you the kind of emotional closure you need anyway. I've had several mid-term length friendships end that way with silence from myself or the other person. Why would I waste the emotional effort trying to tell my hoarder friend (see my hoarder post in friendship) why I can't be friends with her anymore when after 3 years she's proven to me that she doesn't value my friendship based on her inconsiderate behavior, and inability to respond to my pleas to hold herself accountable for her actions when they hurt my feelings (her response is always to change the subject or to say nothing, just silence = both are horribly shallow responses). Do what is best for your own conscience. If it would make you feel better to have the last word with your bad friend, send her an email. Do not call her since she's shown you the same discourtesy by not bothering to even call you when you announced the stressful news of being screened for cancer. She doesn't sound like she's as invested in the friendship as you may have been, and that's a common reason for friendships to end - when there is a power imbalance where one friend's needs get met but the other friend's needs get completely ignored. Your friend isn't worth it. Walk away and go find someone else who you're more compatible with personality-wise. You deserve better in a friend. Edited April 25, 2011 by writergal
Author cerridwen Posted April 25, 2011 Author Posted April 25, 2011 I think speaking to her about it is sound advice, especially if it's bothering you this much. Although I wouldn't launch straightaway into 'attack' mode. Maybe start off by telling her how you feel let down by her and that she doesn't seem to take the friendship seriously. If she acts confused, then maybe list the examples you've described above. Perhaps she's not a person who knows how to deal with sensitive issues involving others? Her insensitivity may not come from malice, just that she may lack 'people/friendship' skills. Then maybe say what you expect from a friendship and if she doesn't feel the same way, then part ways. But at least you would have given both of yourselves a chance to explain and 'clear the air'. However you decide to handle it, good luck! ALonerAgain, thank you for responding. You've helped me clarify some things within myself. Namely, that I'm not interested in salvaging anything. I'm okay with moving on without a conversation. Your advice is solid but as I imagine following it, I recognize I'm asking her to be a completely different person. Regarding the bold text above, I would tell her, "As a friend, I expect you to demonstrate caring by calling, offering to come over, asking if there's anything you can pick up at the store, showing some interest, asking what the doctor said..."? Basically, all the things I've done for her. I'm asking her to be a different person. And we all know how THAT turns out!
Author cerridwen Posted April 25, 2011 Author Posted April 25, 2011 ceridwen, I've been where you are with your mid-term length friendship of 3 years, who it sounds like from your post, only wants a one-sided friendship with you: you do all the emotional support for her and she gives you nothing in return because she doesn't view you as someone she wants to invest in. Clearly there's a power imbalance here with you having emotionally invested far more than she has. I'm sorry about your cancer screening experience. It was very shallow of your friend to respond with a lame frown face text when you told her you were being screened for cancer. If she really cared about your feelings and wanted to emotionally support you she would have called. Plain and simple. She doesn't view you as good of a friend as you may have viewed her. Look on the positive side, her lack of proper sympathy etiquette shows her true character. She is not someone you could go to if you are diagnosed with cancer (which I hope is not the case). Who wants a friend like that when you may have to go through something as scary as disease. You need real friends to rally around you, not shallow acquaintances, which is what she sounds like. I agree with AlonerAgain about speaking to her...but for your benefit only. Your friend clearly lacks any empathy or sympathy for you. For god sake, you told her you were being screened for cancer and she can't pick up the phone and call you to reassure you?! After 3 years of friendship? Her lame frown face text is very shallow and frankly, she doesn't deserve the "closure" talk. Just let that friendship fade into the ether and don't look back or regret it. Sometimes it's justifiable to walk away from a friendship in silence when you know the other person involved won't give you the kind of emotional closure you need anyway. I've had several mid-term length friendships end that way with silence from myself or the other person. Why would I waste the emotional effort trying to tell my hoarder friend (see my hoarder post in friendship) why I can't be friends with her anymore when after 3 years she's proven to me that she doesn't value my friendship based on her inconsiderate behavior, and inability to respond to my pleas to hold herself accountable for her actions when they hurt my feelings (her response is always to change the subject or to say nothing, just silence = both are horribly shallow responses). Do what is best for your own conscience. If it would make you feel better to have the last word with your bad friend, send her an email. Do not call her since she's shown you the same discourtesy by not bothering to even call you when you announced the stressful news of being screened for cancer. She doesn't sound like she's as invested in the friendship as you may have been, and that's a common reason for friendships to end - when there is a power imbalance where one friend's needs get met but the other friend's needs get completely ignored. Your friend isn't worth it. Walk away and go find someone else who you're more compatible with personality-wise. You deserve better in a friend. WriterGal, so much of your post resonates with me. You tapped exactly into how I'm feeling and articulated what I couldn't. Thank you. It's great to feel understood! I'm launching the habit of letting go of bad relationships, romantic and otherwise. I'll be sure to keep the concept of "power imbalance" in mind as I do. *sigh* I feel so much better.
writergal Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 Glad to hear it! Remember that a real friend is someone who will show you respect, reciprocate communication, be honest, bring out the best in you and show you support when you need it. Communication. Activity. Support. These are the basic building blocks for any friendship. When one of these gets out of balance, that can throw the entire friendship into chaos and an imbalance of power results. Know when to leave an unhealthy friendship behind you and when to try and recover a good friendship, and you'll be okay. At least that's how I'm starting to look at things these days with the people in my life.
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