Far&Away Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 I met my fiance on an online forum over a year ago. Both of us just out of long marriages, him almost 30 years, me 10. He is over 10 years older then me. We met because, I started posting on a forum where he was a terrible flirt and flirted with every woman that posted. When I joined he started flirting with me. At first I just thought nothing of it, and just enjoyed chatting to him because he was funny and very flattering, and we clicked. Then He stopped flirting with everyone else and only flirted with me, I just likened this to any guy, before they meet the person they really love, they flirt, and i really enjoyed it when he directed it my way. During this time we began talking over other chat mediums and eventually began talking on web cam. He pursued me quite relentlessly, and told me he loves me and we decided to meet in person. Just before we meet in person, he tells me his ex has met someone new, his behaviour towards me changed, he no longer flirted, stopped wanting to see me on web cam, he said he felt very depressed and felt like not waking up (I was so worried he would harm him self and was beside my self). He was very focused on the fact that his ex was with another man again (she was a serial cheater that's why he left). I really didn't know how to handle this, as to me it meant he was still in love with her, and when I questioned him, he said he wouldn't lie, that he did love her, and that it hard after you love someone with all your heart for so long and that I just didn't understand. At this stage I had paid for the plane ticket to visit him and I almost just completely cut contact with him, as I felt I had been mislead. He made me feel that he was over her, didn't love her any more, and when he said this I felt lied to and like my trust in him was shattered. Also before this he was so sure about me, his attraction for me and he was sure he loved me and wanted me to be with him. then he started saying things like "lets wait untill we meet and then take it from there". Then all of a sudden he started behaving like he did previously, wanted to see me, was very loving, flirty etc. So i decided to go ahead and meet him, but was very unsure. So we meet in person, have a wonderful time together, he tells me he loves me and doesn't want me to leave. I start to feel like everything is good between us, and he is really great to me attentive, sexual etc the whole time. After three weeks i head back home. We start skyping again. But he is very different again. he stops being so loving, doesn't seem to notice much about me, stops being very sexual, and stops flirting with me. When I bring it up he tells me more or less that all I care about is sex, and acts like I am some weirdo. this hurt me very much, because he claimed when we first met that he was a very sexual person and flirted with me all the time, and was very sexual. I felt very rejected about this, and so hurt and undesired. We talked about it quite a few times, and I would allways feel that i got him to understand how rejected I felt by this and how I needed to feel desired by him, but he would do a few things, then stop. This made me feel worse, like i was forcing him to say things, and his heart wasn't in it. A long the way there were a few other things that made me feel uncomfortable, like I caught him in a few little lies, and all of this made me extra untrusting. However on the flip side, he talked to me every single day and allways told me he wanted to be with me, and I still enjoyed his company and loved talking to him. Then i had another visit. This one was slightly different from the first, in that he didn't touch me as much, and didn't flirt with me at all really. But we still had sex and kissed, just not as much as the first visit. In fact one day we were getting dressed to go out to dinner and I looked in the mirror on the way out and he said "Yes you look fine" almost like, why are you checking your self out? not "You look beautiful baby" or something flattering. I felt for two people who had not spent much time together that it would still be like the honey moon phase where he couldn't keep his hands off me. This felt very different to that. But he asked me to marry him, and he gave me an engagement ring for christmas. So now we are engaged. Since the last trip we have discussed his lack of flirting or apparent sexual desire for me about once every two weeks or so. I have never been in a relationship where I felt the man I with didn't really desire me and let me know it. I feel like I have become this needy insecure person, and no matter what I say and how he professes to understand, nothing changes. He tells me he loves me very much, wants to spend the rest of his life with me, tells me I'm the only one for him. I'm almost certain he has no porn addiction, he is not seeing any one else, and has since told me he does not love his wife, and from when he met me has loved me deeply and only wants me. I feel so bad that he used to flirt so easily with strangers and me before he knew me, but doesn't seem to be able to do this with me now. His reasons have been that his ex rejected him a lot and he is just not used to behaving that way with someone he loves. I really feel that in a relationship, that you need to have a good intimate and sexual connection to have a good relationship, and this is something that makes me feel like our relationship won't make it, no matter how good all the rest is. He does do loving things though, and in a non flirting non sexual way, he tells me he loves me, and that he misses me, he tells me he can't wait to hug me, and I wonder if hes just saying those things so I won't be upset. This has killed my desire for him, I used to think about him all the time, and have a very healthy sex drive, now when I go to bed and think about it, i just feel sad. I want to feel the spark between us. Please tell me what you think, sorry for the length, I still have left things out but I didn't want to bore everyone to pieces.
LittleTiger Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 Hi Far&Away, welcome to LS. I'm a bit confused. Do you love this man? I may have missed it but after reading through your post I didn't get any sense that you do. You mention how he says he loves you but not much about your feelings for him - other than your feelings of rejection etc. So I'm a little surprised that you're engaged to him. Can you give us a bit more info about your relationship? You met online a year ago but it's not clear (to me) how often you have met him, how often you talk or even why he proposed. It may be the way you have worded your post but it all sounds very negative from what you've written and it's not really clear what you're getting out of this relationship.
Author Far&Away Posted April 25, 2011 Author Posted April 25, 2011 Hi thanks for the reply. Well we talk every day, and I do love him very much. He does tell me he loves me, and that he thinks i'm beautiful and sexy, but doesn't really act like he finds me beautiful and sexy, if that makes sense. It feels like he's saying those things because he doesn't want me upset. before I metioned how I felt he would go days and days with out saying something affectionate to me unless I initiated. The reason why I fell for him was because he was very passionate and caring and sweet and attentive when we were first together. Like he couldn't wait to talk to me and could hardly contain himself, because he loved me so much and found me so sexy. He would allways be saying something that made me feel like he wanted me. We agree on most other things and enjoy talking to each other, and have a lot of the same interests. We have met in person twice for over three weeks each time. We are about to get togther again. He proposed because he says he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I don't know if our difficulties are because of the distance between us. but I just feel if we are to be a part for months at a time untill we marry then I can't live not feeling intimate and close with him, not feeling desired. In other respects he can be very thoughtful and we seem to be compatable in the rest of our relationship. This issue though is lessening the joy I feel about him, and how much I want to talk to him and think about being with him. It's killing my desire for him. I don't know if I'm just in love with the guy he told me he was and I thought he was. It is breaking my heart because I want to believe what he tells me, but his actions say other wise.
LittleTiger Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 Thanks for the additional info. Do you think it's possible that this man is just afraid to be alone and he 'latched on' to you as you were the first woman to come along? Even though you say you get along well, it doesn't sound as though he is that romantically attached to you. His initial behaviour could well have been down to infatuation. Someone/something to take his mind off his heartbreak. When you met him, how long had he been out of his marriage? After 30 years with his ex it's likely to take him some years to get over her. If the reason you fell for him was that he was passionate, caring, sweet and attentive and all of that has now stopped - are you sure you still want to marry him? Are you sure you love the person he has turned into because you don't seem convinced that he's the same person you fell in love with? Another possibility is that he's fallen into the 30 year routine he was used to with his wife. He's comfortable with you and treats you as he did her - not very flattering and not something I would feel happy with in a brand new partner. You mentioned he's older than you so maybe he no longer has a strong sex drive. The flirting could have been a means to an end or just the younger him being let out after 30 years of captivity. After a brief 'playtime', perhaps that part of him has been buried again. He does seem very unsure about his feelings though, as he seems to be blowing hot and cold towards you, so I would tread carefully before you allow him to put a ring on your finger. LDRs are tough at the best of times and if you're not getting what you need from your partner that will make it even tougher. Do you have a timeframe when you will be together permanently? Perhaps, next time you're together IRL, you could sit down and have a long talk about what's going on and what you both want and expect from your relationship. At this point, it seems you have little to lose.
HeavenOrHell Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 My first thoughts are this is a rebound r/ship for him and his heart isn't really in it. How long after his marriage did you two meet face to face? It is much too early to be thinking about marriage, I've been in an LDR for a year and met about 8 times and I feel very sure about us, but it would still be too soon to think about marriage (if we were the marrying type). You need to spend much more time together before you make any sort of commitment like that, you can't know how you get along in day to day life unless you spend much more time together. Rushing into things rarely works. I don't think it will work if you don't feel that close to him, if you're feeling like this and things don't look like they will change then this won't work I think you have to lay your cards on the table once and for all, and say again that you're not happy the way things are, if he truly wants to change back to the way things were at first then he will, if he doesn't/can't then that's your answer. I hope you can work things out, but from what you've said it doesn't sound hopeful I agree with LittleTiger's post.
TokyoG33kyGal Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 experienced same thing in the past with a guy I dated (though not long distance). i posted the story somewhere here but i will give you a shortcut. he was also very attentive, passionate and flirty in the beginning but he started to distance himself after he talked with his ex-wife. his ex-wife also cheated on him three times while he's in Iraq. i thought he was over her from the sound of his stories but then he told me that he did not want to hurt me. IMO, it is a red flag and i cannot blame you if that kills your desire for him. if your "ideal" guy is someone who is attentive and passionate, then go find that guy. you two aren't just a match and he needs time to heal.
Author Far&Away Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 Thank you for the replies. I appreciate them. Sometimes I wish I didn't feel like I loved him so much.
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