Lentil Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 My situation is unusual. Married 16 years but we've had an open (in principle) relationship. For the most part this has not been in practice. When we married we both thought (philosophically) monogamy wasn't really possible and we agreed that we might stray physically (not emotionally) and if we did it would not spell the end of the marriage. Truthfully, we both rarely have. I had two brief flings over ten years ago one longer fling about 5 years ago. I know he's had encounters at some conferences -- also some time ago. There may have been more on his end but the fact is I never felt unloved or ignored. He never made me feel like I wasn't the center of his universe. We were happy. No children by choice. We also are not swingers (parties etc.) -- we had a don't ask don't tell policy for the most part. And a rule that safety was paramount. Odd yes. But it worked for 16 years. Flash forward: last month my husband told me he has feeling for business associate and she shares these feelings. They had not had sex. I was upset -- I said that a physical fling is one thing but if you have love feelings it is over. He says he does have "feelings" and is confused. So he moved into the guest bedroom. We yelled and cried. I said cruel things. He didn't. He cried mostly. They are now seeing each other. We are -- I guess -- separated. I have met her before all this went down. My thoughts about her are not kind. In a nutshell, before I knew any of this, I found her very "needy" and eager to please. Not a confident woman to my mind. Never married and 50ish I am a few years younger. We don't have NC, after a week of yelling and crying things have calmed down and we co-exist. We chat cordially but try to give each other space. It is very strange. We decided yesterday that we would try our best to be pleasant moving forward. We agreed that we like talking to each other very much and miss each other if we don't talk so we still do that. Just no relationship talk...that's painful. We don't do anything as a couple though. So our friends are starting to wonder why we have not accepted dinner/theater invitations. I am just making excuses. It is odd. (None of our friends know about our "deal"....we seem like a typical middle aged married pair...and I'm not going to tell my girlfriends now. It would be too shocking I imagine.) He has begun seeing a therapist because he is not sure what he want to do; stay in the marriage, leave the marriage, get together with the OW, leave the OW and the marriage both....he's confused about his entire life. He says he totally committed to the sessions. After the first session he told me the therapist said our relationship sounded very unorthodox...(but no more and I didn't ask as it is private). Our marriage is atypical, I guess, but hopefully he can help. He says he will see how it goes -- if they click or if the doctor is too freaked out by the situation (which I hope as a therapist he is not.) I told him I need him to commit to to therapy -- no matter what happens it will help him. He says he has 100 percent. Yesterday when I was grocery shopping he sent me a text saying. "I have not checked out. You think I have but I have not." When I got home I asked: what did that mean? He said he's on an emotional rollercoaster an he has not checked out of our life. He feels like he's "waffling". He asked for time to work this out as he's in no place to decide his life. I told him I also don't know what I want either anymore. I love him and do want to work it out. But I know I can move on if we break up. I would do my best to make a new life for myself. I'm sad, angry and sometimes okay. I don't know where to turn for advice though. I can't tell my family or my friends what's going on. So I am telling you. I have been here for a while now reading and now am ready to post. That's my story. Sure it's strange but I love him and I don't want to lose him or our life.
melenkurion Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 In a way, I am not sure that your situation is that unusual in its essential elements. Your husband has started having an emotional attachment to someone else, and you feel hurt and betrayed by that. Your feelings are identical to anyone else's in the same situation, and understandably so. Your rules were "physical involvement is OK, emotional involvement is not". Your husband broke those rules. A line has been crossed here in just the same way as in any marriage. I guess the point I am making is that you needn't feel isolated about this. Your slightly unconventional marriage isn't that relevant. I wonder if you feel guilty in that somehow you feel that the arrangement you have has given him a sort of permission to do this? If that is so, you shouldn't feel guilty: he was the one who crossed the line you had both agreed on.
Author Lentil Posted May 2, 2011 Author Posted May 2, 2011 Yes that's it. I feel like I almost "asked" for this to happen by living this unconventional life. Since my post my husband told me that the OW had cold feet. He's still in therapy and we are still living together -- but in our own rooms. I have no idea what happened with her. I went away for a few days to visit my elderly Mother. And he's been away on business since I got back. He texted me asking me how my trip was. But he's away and I was hoping he'd be here when I got back. I guess that should tell me something.
SingVoice Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 I think people who are in long term relationships get "blinded" by the newness of a new relationships. In reality....(not to quote Dr Phil here...but..) less than 5% of relationships that started as infidelities actually work out. LESS THAN 5%!!! So what you have to consider...is that lets say he DOES pursue this other relationship fully. And when it doesn't work out...what do you think he is going to do? Probably come crawling back to you. I think you need to think about this scenario as a real possibility. Are you willing to take him back now if he is done with the relationship? And are you willing to take him back if he pursues the relationship more and it doesn't work out? At some point...you have to stand up and say "I deserve better."
ricky72361 Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 Wow, I thought the 80/20 rule from Tyler Perry was BS but it just might be right.
Author Lentil Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 I don't know if I would take him back. Today when he came home from work he was very chatty asking me about my trip. I was pleasant but not chatty. He said I though we were being cordial. I said we were but that does not mean chatty. He said I thought we were friends. I said that I didn't want to be his friend. He said oh and went up to his home office. Odd. The whole thing felt odd. I don't know how to act around him. Help. Advice needed.
melenkurion Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Yes that's it. I feel like I almost "asked" for this to happen by living this unconventional life. It may have been unconventional, but you had very clear rules. You stuck to the rules, your husband did not. I can understand why you feel the way you do, but you did NOT ask for this to happen. I know it's difficult to disentangle everything, but try not to feel any guilt.
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