OW with MM

[pixiewytch]

I'm posting my story hoping to not get bad feedback because I already feel bad enough about this.

In February my serious 6 month LTR ended and I didn't want to fall in love again, ever. A guy named Eric (name changed) added me on FB and I didn't think anything of it. He messaged me two weeks later and said he enjoyed reading my notes and stuff, so I replied.

After a few hours of talking, he confessed that he was already married with two kids, but he was very unhappy with her. He met his wife when he was 17 or 18 and she told him she had a disease that made her infertile. They had unprotected sex and she got pregnant because she was lying. He married her to make it right (well he thinks that's right, I don't) and then she had their son. She told Eric that she was taking birth control, but she wasn't, so she got pregnant again and had their daughter. All this time during their marriage, she had been cheating on Eric with numorous men.

Eric is planning to divorce her soon because she's very mean to him and their children. She has bipolar and refuses to treat it. At first I counseled Eric unbiasedly about it, saying if he really loved her he should help her get treatment. He said he didn't love her and didn't want to stay with her. He knows she's hurting his children by her behavior and wants to get them away from her.

Now my parents marriage was ruined because of an OW, but over the years I've realized how happy my dad is with his girlfriend. If I hadn't realized that and accepted it, I probably wouldn't have gotten involved with Eric.

Anyway, Eric and I became fast friends, talking everyday. I told him my boundries, that I wouldn't do anything sexual with him until he got a divorce. I also made it very clear that our relationship would change back to platonic in two seconds if he chose to stay with his wife and that if he strung me along, I would be very very angry. I refuse to be treated like that, even from someone I care about.

After about three weeks of talking, Eric and I met and had a very nice first meeting, both feeling something very strong between us. I caved-in the next day and told him over FB that I wouldn't object to our relationship becoming intimate. Marriage is sacred to me, but the LTR I had last year was in such a way that I never got to hold him in my arms. I vowed I would never ever miss out on showing my love for someone again, that I'll seize love when I find it, even if it blows up in my face.

We haven't done anything yet, two weeks later, and haven't met again because he's been busy.

I know I'm swimming with sharks now and probably making a bad choice, but I'm seeing it through to the end. We both have laid it out on the table, him not promising me anything long term (only because he doesn't want to promise and have to break it without a choice) and me demanding my rights. I'm not demanding he leave his wife, but I do tell him it needs to happen sooner rather than later for his children's sake.

I'm still not sure about being intimate with him. If IF I marry him, I want to be an example for his kids, not be that girl their father slept with and then married. Plus if I denied him sex until he got a divorce, he'd make it happen faster, I suppose.

I just need some friends who understand and will support me. My friends don't understand and this is really stressful for me, so I need someone to talk to.

Insight? I'll be happy to answer questions if I left anything out.

Edit: I forgot to say, he's 21. I'm 24.

Edited April 25, 2011 by pixiewytch

[BB07]

I see several problems with your story pixie. First you were having a emotional affair with a mm, then you said you wouldn't let it get physical but you did if I'm understanding your post correctly. So you crossed your own boundaries and a vow to yourself, right? I would think compromising your own stated principals gave your mm a good stroke on his ego and now you are also at a disadvantage of him knowing that you don't mean what you say, in other words you are wishy washy.

 

And........to completely trust the word of a man who is having an affair in regards to what he says about his wife and his marriage is foolhardy at best. Unless you've actually been in the walls of their house and observed their interaction, you just can't really know if he is truthful about it or not. He may be, but he may not and it wouldn't be the first or the last time that a MM has lied in order to justify an affair.

 

Also when I read of a woman saying that she is in love with the man but then they say oh I never asked him to leave for me or I don't expect him to leave, I call BS on it. Every thing else you've said does indicate that you want him to leave and be with you. Also if you think denying him sex will hinder him actually leaving, I think you are wrong as I believe when you start giving everything you have to a mm, that makes it that much easier for him to become a cake eater. Why? Well because if he is getting his needs met while he is married what is his incentive to leave??

 

I know I sound a little harsh but you need to think about these things and I'm not sure what you wanted here unless it was for someone to pat you on the hand and say oh it will be alright. If you spend some time reading here you'll find that most of these things don't turn out well for anyone and they can cost you a great deal more than you would be willing to pay.

[carrie999]

Wait- let me get this straight. You don't actually KNOW Eric; he added you as a Facebook friend, pretended to be single, and then told you a story about how he was tricked into marrying someone? And even after she supposedly lied to him about being infertile, they conceived a second child?!? And he now claims she has an untreated and very serious psychiatric disorder, but he won't help her seek treatment because he doesn't love her anyway??? RED FLAGS all over the place!!!

 

And now after basically a few weeks of chatting on Facebook, you've gone from refusing to become sexually involved to being perfectly fine with it. And you're already talking about marrying him.

 

Honey, your instincts are right: you shouldn't be involved in any sort of LTR for a LONG time, until you realize just how screwed up your thoughts really are. I'm sorry to be so blunt about it, but there's not a single thing that you've said that makes me think you have even an ounce of perspective into this giant mess.

 

Please do NOT get involved with Eric, and consider telling this story to a trained professional. And keep posting here. People on this forum are often blunt and sometimes judgmental, but sometimes we all need some tough love. I'm really not judging you, but I think you need some serious support from every available source if you think that you can trust this guy in any way.

 

At 21, I was engaged to a guy who seemed great at first, and had even my closest family members fooled, and it took years for all of us to see what an awful person he was at a very fundamental level. And they were the ones who realized it before I did. I know that if I met him at this stage in my life, I would have seen through him long before they saw the signs. You need to keep reaching out to your friends and family with all the facts...I guarantee that if they knew what you are telling us, they'd tell you to run far away from him, too.

[Rose1977]

Even if we take the A aspect out of this, I can't imagine how in 2 months, without so much as a proper date you can honestly be thinking about M. Are you, at 24, prepared to be a stepmother to two young children with an unstable woman for a mother? I am in no way trying to be harsh here, but I would put money on it that this guy has many FB friends like you that he feeds the same lines to. You have met him once, and you are laying down the law about divorce, etc... I don't think he is leaving her. She may not even exist. You know nothing about this man except that he friends women on FB and sends random messages to these women. I know you recently got out of a R and probably really want true love and the fairytale ending, but trust me, there are many AVAILABLE honest men out there and I think you need to get out of this situation before you get too involved.

[Leelou]

Well, you ask for insight, even though I am pretty sure you are getting exactly that from your real life friends.

 

You felt cheated in your long distance relationship, which failed miserably. Now you say you will 'seize love wherever you find it'. Sweetie, I don't know if this Eric is Love, but you most certainly don't need to seize him.

 

First off, when you are already talking about marriage, that is totally unrealistic. He is already married. And, you barely know him. For all you DO know, he could have been feeding you a story he has made up. She may not be bipolar, he may simply be one of those narcissistic personality disordered guys who points the finger at his wife when he is no longer idealizing her, and makes out as if she is insane. And everyone around him buys his act.

 

She may not have conned him into two pregnancies. For all you know, he may have rushed her into a commitment, as a lot of these pathologicals do. The reason they push the relationship along quickly and give and get a commitment is because they know they cannot sustain their 'act' for long.

 

Once they begin devaluing their partner, they begin looking for their next narcissistic supply, in this case that could be you.

And you are buying into it because you are in a very vulnerable position at this point in your life, with being 24 years old and unsuccessful in getting a man to commit to you. That man in the LDR did not want you enough to commit to you, or to move you to him, or for him to move to you.

That has got to hurt. Then comes a wonderfully charming man (he IS charming, isn't he? All NPD men carry that as their passport - it gets them in any female territory) and pours out the pity story to you (they always hook you by showing themselves as 'vulnerable' themselves, but believe me, they know YOU are the emotionally vulnerable and needy one - ripe for the picking).

 

After telling you what you want to hear, and dangling the shiny romance-at-home-right-now token in front of you, you have taken the bait, hook, line and sinker.

 

You are just conning yourself by inserting yourself in your father's OW's position... I am sure you can see this in your minds eye, with YOU in the successful outcome, but just because she did it doesn't mean you can, or will do it.

 

This con man is going to hurt you.

Edited April 25, 2011 by Leelou

[Rooke]

Oh dear. I read this and it made me sad

I'm with Carrie on this one, this is red flag city.

You've already had some excellent advice so the only thing I can say is RUN away from this man as fast you can because I promise you it will not end happily and at 24, that's far too young to be handling a situation like this.

[Woman In Blue]

A guy named Eric (name changed) added me on FB and I didn't think anything of it. He messaged me two weeks later and said he enjoyed reading my notes and stuff, so I replied.

After a few hours of talking, he confessed that he was already married with two kids, but he was very unhappy with her.

What a little snake. A woman with more self-respect would have cut him off right at the knees at that point. This isn't rocket science - you know what the little weasel was up to.

 

He met his wife when he was 17 or 18 and she told him she had a disease that made her infertile. They had unprotected sex and she got pregnant because she was lying. He married her to make it right (well he thinks that's right, I don't) and then she had their son. She told Eric that she was taking birth control, but she wasn't, so she got pregnant again and had their daughter. All this time during their marriage, she had been cheating on Eric with numorous men.

Wow, this poor young man is just a victim of his evil, she-devil wife, is that it? Because everyone KNOWS a dumbass 17 or 18 year old boy is always sexually responsible and uses protection, so it would stand to reason that it was all HER doing that she got pregnant. He'd like you to believe he was 'tricked' into having unprotected sex by this insidious witch of a woman whose sole goal in life was to 'trap' him, is that it? What a little douche nozzle.

 

Eric is planning to divorce her soon because she's very mean to him and their children. She has bipolar and refuses to treat it. At first I counseled Eric unbiasedly about it, saying if he really loved her he should help her get treatment. He said he didn't love her and didn't want to stay with her. He knows she's hurting his children by her behavior and wants to get them away from her.

OK - so what has the little liar actually DONE to get his plan into MOTION to get these poor, mistreated and abused children away from this monster? Oh yeah, that's right - he took to Facebook and started soliciting pretty girls so he could tell his tale of woe (after LYING about his marital status). If soliciting pretty girls on Facebook is PART of the plan, then I don't think he's going to get too far.

 

Hey and let me ask you - while HE'S spending hours a day telling you what poor, innocent victims he and his children are (via text, telephone, chatbox, email and Facebook messaging), whose actually taking CARE of these oh so neglected kids he's crying over? And who was caring for these poor abused children when he snuck out to meet you in person for your "innocent" first meet?

 

Now my parents marriage was ruined because of an OW, but over the years I've realized how happy my dad is with his girlfriend.

Oh, stop with the bullsh*t justifications. So because your father chose to be a cheater and totally disrespect his wife AND children and seemed 'happier' for it, that means that you should do the same? Grow up.

 

I also made it very clear that our relationship would change back to platonic in two seconds if he chose to stay with his wife and that if he strung me along, I would be very very angry. I refuse to be treated like that, even from someone I care about.

LOL. Out of the mouths of babes. You're just too young to undersand how you're being played and manipulated. One day when you're older and have more life experience you'll see the 'ride' you were taken on. Would he also like you to believe that you're his first female 'friend' since he got married? He didn't know you from Adam the day he solicited you on Facebook - do you honestly think it was just YOU he threw the bait to and no one else? Do you honestly think you'll be the LAST one he throws the bait to?

 

I caved-in the next day and told him over FB that I wouldn't object to our relationship becoming intimate.

Well, his hard work and lying has paid off. Score!

 

Marriage is sacred to me, but the LTR I had last year was in such a way that I never got to hold him in my arms. I vowed I would never ever miss out on showing my love for someone again, that I'll seize love when I find it, even if it blows up in my face.

Oh goodie. MORE bullsh*t justifications for doing what you know isn't right.

 

Don't you think lover boy's time would be better SPENT putting his escape plan into motion than spending hours meeting up with you in hotels or the back seats of cars to get laid? Seriously, don't you? And I'd have to ask AGAIN - who would be caring for these oh so abused children while he's out getting his d*ck wet? Oh yes, that's right - that crazy, abusive, manipulating, lying bi-polar witch he was tricked into marrying. Hmmmm, seems odd that he's been SO willing to leave them in her care while he's been spending all his time seducing you, doesn't it?

 

We both have laid it out on the table, him not promising me anything long term (only because he doesn't want to promise and have to break it without a choice) and me demanding my rights. I'm not demanding he leave his wife, but I do tell him it needs to happen sooner rather than later for his children's sake.

Oh, give me a break. His kids have been the LAST thing he's shown any concern about while he cultivates his affair with YOU. Who the hell is he KIDDING?

 

I'm still not sure about being intimate with him. If IF I marry him, I want to be an example for his kids, not be that girl their father slept with and then married. Plus if I denied him sex until he got a divorce, he'd make it happen faster, I suppose.

OMG, you're so naive. Witholding sex just means he'll find another victim on Facebook and work her over like he worked YOU, painting himself a victim so he can get into HER pants - like he's trying to get into YOURS. Don't monogram those towels just YET, ok? :laugh:

 

I just need some friends who understand and will support me. My friends don't understand and this is really stressful for me, so I need someone to talk to.

You mean your friends and family see how ridiculous this whole thing is - that you're wasting time with a dumbass 21 year old married kid who doesn't understand the first thing about CONTRACEPTION and already has TWO kids at his age?

 

Golly, I hope he's making progress with his "escape plan." I'll be losing sleep over those poor, neglected kids until he gets them safely away from his sea-hag wife. :laugh:

Edited April 25, 2011 by Woman In Blue

[TurboGirl]

 

You mean your friends and family see how ridiculous this whole thing is - that you're wasting time with a dumbass 21 year old married kid who doesn't understand the first thing about CONTRACEPTION and already has TWO kids at his age?

 

 

That was pretty much my first thought. This guy is a REAL WINNER, certainly worth your time... NOT!

 

I think just about everything this guy has told you is a lie. Ummm OP, please don't engage with men you don't know on facebook. It is very dangerous, a) you don't know them b) they are probably looking for sex and c)YOU DON'T KNOW THEM AND CAN END UP DEAD IN A DUMPSTER IF YOU MEET UP WITH THEM!!!!

 

 

Not trying to be too harsh here... but seriously. Look at the situation. You are a 24 year old woman, YEAH you really need to start something with some loser who is 21 married with 2 kids and hitting up on girls on fb, and lying (I would bet) about his entire life to get some sympathy sex. So he's been "too busy" to see you? Take the clue, sweetie. He's trying to line you up for when he's good & ready to meet up with you for sex. That's it. You are worth more. Don't start this, END IT, please, and preserve your self esteem, your sanity and perhaps your life as well.

 

 

Assuming this is a "for real post" and not a troll making up bizarre scenarios, that is.

Edited April 25, 2011 by TurboGirl
adding "troll" exception.

[TigerCub]

PixieWytch - that's a cute name btw

 

I'm sorry but I'm with everyone here - this doesn't look good at all.

 

I saw a distinct change in you during the post.

I like the YOU in the beginning of the post - you seemed strong, had set boundaries, didn't want to settle for crap, etc.

 

Then after you meet this douchebag, you transform into someone that's bending their own rules, forgetting what they stand for, finding ways to justify and 'ok' what they're doing - not cool at all!

 

I'm really not trying to be mean to you. I've been there, I've done the exact same thing you're walking into, and it was the worst experience fo my life, that's why reading your post made me so sad, I really hope that you turn back now and spare yourself the loss of dignity, the heatache, the tears and all the frustration.

 

This guy is telling you this whole big long story of why he's a victim of his circumstances, but honestly hon, all I've learned from my own experience and from most of the posts here is that the usual MM story goes like this:

 

"blah blah, kids, blah blah, no love, blah, no sex, blah, bitch, blah, wanna get out, blah, not happy, blah blah, you're amazing, blah, never felt this way, blah blah blah, getting out, soulmate, blah, can't leave - kids , blah blah blah, only u in my heart, blah, can't leave - money, can't leave - she's crazy, blah blah, someday we'll be together, wait?"

 

and if wife or gf or whoever finds out it'll be most of the same stupid convo said to the wife, but where he says can't leave, he will say don't want to leave

everything else will stay the same, and he'll also add a few 'she came on to me', 'she seduced me', ' i don't love her, I love you baby'

 

you say IF you guys get married - don't need to worry too much about that, since it most likely wont happen.

But then actually, he's 21, it could happend, he could leave, but do you really want this guy to be you husband?

would you trust him?

while you're at home taking care of HIS kids, wouldn't you worry that he's out cheating on you?

 

Honey, you're 24, you're so young, you can meet anyone and you can write your future, don't waste more time on this loser - spare yourself what could be the most traumatic experience of your life.

 

I think you should go back to the YOU you represented in the first half of your post - the strong one with boundaries and standards.

 

I'm really not judging you, I'm just trying to warn you.

 

Good luck

Edited April 25, 2011 by TigerCub

[JadedAmore]

I have to agree, there are so many red flags here that you should turn and run, and never look back.

 

He sounds like a narcissist, and a con man. Hey, he may be my xH!

 

Seriously, at 24 you do not want to end up with this individual. It's going to be hard, but you really should just walk away from it with NC. I'll bet if you were a fly on the wall you would see that he would simply turn around and feed these bullsh*t lines to the next naive individual who will buy it.

 

It's going to hurt, but ultimately it will be better in the long run. Come back to LS and post, it will do a lot of help during the healing process. Good luck!

[OWoman]

Pixie, you can't save him from himself.

 

From what you describe, he has a history of bad choices and not accepting responsibility for them - which is probably age appropriate, many kids are like that at that age. Do you want to become part of that pattern?

 

He needs to grow up - and fast, seeing as he has kids he's responsible for. Growing up involves owning your problems and addressing them - not finding an older woman (and yes, a woman of 24 is typically considerably more mature than a boy of 21) to solve them for him.

 

You set the tone by counselling him. He'd like to offer you that job full-time now - only, it's an unpaid and a lifetime commitment (from your side - don't count on it from his...) Is that what you want? A project you can grow into a man you'd be happy to be with? Is that a safer bet than taking on a grown man who might let you down - the way your previous R did?

 

Pixie, I fail to see from what you've described what's so compelling about this kid. He's broken. Toss him back in the Facebook pond and take another one.

[jthorne]

Forget about this guy. I'd be willing to bet that if you took a gander at his friends list, the majority of them are women, and I'd also be willing to bet that the majority of these women are getting the same sob story you are. This guy's just fishing to see who will bite.

 

Someday, it will bite him in the arse. He'll friend the wrong woman, and her H will show up at his door to kick his a$$ or something like that.

 

The bigger issue is why are you accepting friend requests from men you don't know? This guy just so happened to come across your profile and friended you? Not a friend of a friend, just found you out there in the ether? And you accepted? Sorry, I realize that you are young, but in this day and age, giving strangers access to your personal information is very risky. I could sort of understand it if it was on a dating site, but...

 

Anyway, if you have your heart set on this guy, contact some of the women on his friends list. Might be a real eye opener.