I'm a wreck

[IfiKnewThen]

it is hard to hear everyone all jubilant. that's understandable. just try to look at it like this. at least you don't have to take care of them. because any of their load would be a lot for you now. anyway, all i can say is this is a normal feeling youre having. hang in there. i really know its not easy..but keep going. you really have been doing great. give it more time.

[Sassygirl2]

Hi Katt - Your words are ringing true for me the past few days as well. I was doing pretty good until Monday of this week. The last few days I have been missing him terribly - even after all the crap and how he broke up with me! I think when we are angry at them, it's easier to get through the days but when we are sad and missing them, it's much harder. I know that every day is different but it would be nice if it just got better every day. Not this one step forward, two steps back. Today we had to say goodbye to a bunch of people who were laid off at my school and everyone was crying. It was really hard for me as I feel like everyone is leaving! I still have a job - thank you god! I am grateful for that.

 

I'm also afraid to ever date again. I just can't imagine myself going out again and going through the process. I don't want to be hurt ever again and like you, thought my ex was the one! Last week I said I wouldn't take him back anyway, but today I feel like I would. I miss him so much I just want to go to his house and hug him but I know if I did that - he'd probably freak out and call the police or something. It's so sad that someone we talked to every day, several times a day, and told everything, is just not there anymore. I mean they are alive but just don't want to talk to us. I think this is worse than if they had died.

[Katt22]

I know, its been horrible lately. I don't know what it is. Your right about the hating them thing, its so much easier to get up and face my day when I can cling to anger. But after a while it burns off and just leaves you empty again. Its awful.

 

I don't know how they live with themselves, I honestly think I would jump off a bridge before I hurt someone like me the way he did.

 

Its just so frustrating to stagnate sometimes. Its so hard. I'll be okay for awhile and then I just collapse for a little while. Sometimes I'm afraid that it means that I'm not moving on. He's constantly on my mind and I think sometimes its driving me crazy.

 

I'm so sorry about those people who lost their job at your work. It must have been really hard to be around all that sadness and try to keep it together. I don't think I could have dealt with it.

 

And the dating suggestions just terrify me. Sometimes I think I'm damaged goods somehow, like I will never be able to trust when someone tells me they love me. I've been having a hard time believing it even when my parents say it, part of me just wants to scoff. Its like if he doesn't love me I don't think anyone will. Its a horrible feeling, its like this bottomless hole in my stomach that never really goes away. Bleah, this sucks.

[Sassygirl2]

Well, we had better get out of this funk and soon! That's all I can say! I'm kind of tired of it!

 

It has been hard to pack everything at work and see everyone hugging goodbye. We are all excited about moving to a new location (those of us who have been able to stay employed) but we feel bad that half our staff was laid off.

 

Let's make a deal and do something every day that's going to help us get over these guys! What do you think?

[Katt22]

I absolutely agree! I was thinking of starting a little ritual for myself but I really don't know what I would do. I guess I have to work on it.

 

Yeah, this funk is really crappy, I hate it. Its effecting everything I do now. Its so hard to think of him just moving on without a care. I wonder if he thinks about me at all? Then I think of him with some other girl and my stomach just knots up. Honestly I wish I had never met him.

 

I've been thinking about writing that letter again. Its seems like every time I find myself in a funk like this I think about it. When I'm doing okay I have this "screw him!" attitude about it. But lately it seems like I have all these things I haven't said to him just weighing me down. Maybe I'll write it, maybe I won't.

 

Its hard at work to. I work at this hotel and there are all these weddings lately. God those are awful. Every time I see some triumphant bride at work I have to go to the bathroom and cry off my mascara.

 

Sometimes I think that I am being ridiculous, I honestly wasn't with him for that long and I'm only 22. Everyone says that I should just go out and party and be young and have fun but I really just don't feel like it. Its hard to go from looking at wedding dresses and venues to waking up alone everyday and having to soldier on. Sometimes I feel like its never going to get any better. I hate that thought.

 

So I defiantly want to be able to do something everyday that just for me. I will have to think about it.

[climbskirun]

I'm no expert but I know what I would do and have done when I felt this way about my last gf.

I would tell him everything how much you miss him and his warm body etc. Tell him how you don't feel right your stomach is in knots etc... just like how you have been explaining here.

 

If you really love this person lay everything out there to him and do it in person. You have nothing to lose at this point. Give him time to respond and if he doesn't then it will be his loss.

wish the best for you!

[Katt22]

What you suggest is tempting but what gives me pause is the thought of humiliating myself yet again and tossing what small amount of pride I have managed to scrape together out of the window. Being further rejected is just too horrible to imagine, why would I give him the chance to let me down once again.

 

There is just too much doubt and fear inside me about contacting him and pouring myself out once again. He would probably just shut me down and I don't know if I could recover from it again.

[IfiKnewThen]

omg i am so impressed that youre 22 and so intelligent and articulate like this. not that you cant be at 22 ..but you seem so much more matured.

 

 

he got back to you and you ignored him when you couldnt handle it. so just say something about him starting to mail some stuff out, maybe. you can begin to get things off your chest like that. slowly chip away. bit by bit or all at once but dont yell. they say a guy doesnt care what you say as much as how you say it. your tone.

 

anyway, i am really impressed with you

[Katt22]

Aww thank you. I just don't think I'm ready to talk to him, especially when he acts like everything is so wonderful when I talk to him. Its sickening.

 

Ironically he's kinda dumb and really immature. Sometimes I wonder why I pine over him so much.

[Sassygirl2]

Katt - I don't know about telling him how you miss him and how you feel. I think if he doesn't respond positively it WILL take away what pride you have and you've worked hard to get that. I have wanted to call and tell my ex bf the same stuff but I am so scared to be rejected again. I think the fact that I'm not hearing from him is rejection enough.

 

Maybe we could just keep posting here every day or write a letter to our ex bf's each day on how we are each doing in a journal or something. I hear that actually hand writing the letters is therapeutic.

 

That would be so hard to see weddings and girls in their gowns all the time! I'm sorry! I feel for you. You are handling it so well though and the fact that you are so young is impressive. Just think, by the time you reach my age (45) you may be happily married with a family and will have learned how to have a healthy relationship! You have a lot to look forward to! (I hope this happens WAY before you reach 45!)

[Katt22]

Thank you Sassy. I agree, it would just throw me back. Its this really annoying urge I get when I get down, and thats been a lot lately. I know what you mean about not being contacted, its almost as bad as just being plain rejected.

 

Its so hard working there lately, theres a wedding like every weekend for months. The good news is I might get offered a better job so I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I defiantly would appreciate the change, and maybe for once something good will happen lately.

 

I really hope your right about the family thing. I think that this guy probably did me a huge favor. I'm too young to marry, especially to some douche bag who would throw me away after I stood by him through so much. I guess I just got caught up in the excitement of it all and it clouded my judgement.

 

And even if it doesn't happen till I'm 60, I think I will be okay. I just have these bad moments sometimes where I just can't see it ever getting better. I know everyone goes through it, its just kinda intense lately. Even if it never happens, I will find a way to be happy because I deserve to. As does everyone here.

 

This grieving process is worse somehow then when someone actually dies, its crazy. I've been meaning to start a journal actually, maybe that will be my little ritual we we're talking about.

[IfiKnewThen]

ok kat is so awesome at 22 and sassy is smart and looks real good too if that's her pic!!! wow 45 and sassy that is not so old at all. hehe i got you beat in the age dept. yikes!! but either way, whether that is a pic of you or your daughter or some actress, i am sure you still look great and you both are 2 good for these guys.

 

they may have been good ONCE ...but if they cant appreciate you now. it both their loss!!

[Sassygirl2]

Well thanks for the compliment IFIKNEWTHEN! Yes, I am 45 and that is a picture of me. I don't think anyone has complimented me in awhile. Even the ex didn't say much in that dept. Well, let's not GO there! I appreciate your comments and I'm sure KATT does too! She is a smart cookie for 22!

 

Katt - I'm happy to hear you may get a new job! That would be great! I think as women we are not suppossed to have expectations of men. At least that's what a lot of my friends tell me. I have been married, divorced and have two girls. I never thought I'd want to get married again but I knew I wanted a partner/companion. After I met my exbf last year, I actually thought this guy was someone I wanted to marry.

 

So I guess I'm saying that things change, our perceptions change, our beliefs and wants and desires change. So I guess we have to just go with the flow which I hate.

[IfiKnewThen]

i am telling you you look great in that pic. go you!

 

quote: So I guess I'm saying that things change, our perceptions change, our beliefs and wants and desires change. So I guess we have to just go with the flow which I hate

 

 

 

 

wise words. how true

[Katt22]

Thanks IfIKnew. That whole not having expectations of men is kinda depressing. All I ever asked him to do was be there for me and treat me with some kind of respect. Its like he couldn't even do that. Sure everything seemed great at the beginning, but then slowly everything started to shift. I just don't understand it, maybe I never will. I don't think that he is a very nice person, he seems like he is. When I met him I thought I knew I was going to marry him, and then he asked and I thought thats how these things work.

 

And then things we're up and down, every 5 or 6 weeks he would tweek on me and say insane things, to the point where I honestly suspected that he was bipolar. He would say a lot of things that this little voice in the back of my head would say "and now you run away!" but I thought that would make me disloyal and weak. I guess I know better now.

 

And your right about going with the flow, it sucks. The loss of control over something as intimate as a relationship is terrifying. When I felt like things were spinning out of control I would just cling to him harder. Honestly I wish that I had just quietly packed my things and bowed out gracefully. I would still be so hurt but I would have kept my sense of self.

[climbskirun]

What you suggest is tempting but what gives me pause is the thought of humiliating myself yet again and tossing what small amount of pride I have managed to scrape together out of the window. Being further rejected is just too horrible to imagine, why would I give him the chance to let me down once again.

 

There is just too much doubt and fear inside me about contacting him and pouring myself out once again. He would probably just shut me down and I don't know if I could recover from it again.

 

Hey Katt,

 

See you can't think that way! You are setting yourself up for faliure before you even try. You will not be humilating yourself at all! imo. I would have a lot more respect for someone that tries then someone who just gives up.

You have to have the outlook of I'm going to lay everything out to him on your feeling towards him and if it works out you win. If it does not work out for you then you tried which imo is better then just giving up. Your pride will not be destoryed you will have tried and gave it your best to have things work out. That way you can say I gave it my best and your pride will be there w/ you. If not then call me an a hole.

 

Don't let fear overcome you. It's like standing on cliff ready to jump into the water. You're all scared before you jump then you do take that plunge and it was great.

 

I have been through this. I loved my exgf so much that i would take a bullet for her. I wanted to marry her and had the ring made just for her. Well She Hurt me big time 3 times and I was able to recover so you can too. So if it doesn't work out go on a vacation where there is blue ocean water and it will help heal you.

 

best of luck to you!

[Sassygirl2]

Hi Katt - I broke NC today. I just had to. Can I tell you what happened?

 

I sent him an email this morning asking him his thoughts about the dog we are "sharing". She has been acting very scared and timid this last week since I got her back from his house so I "nicely" send a short email about it. He responded within an hour saying he noticed it too and doesn't know what's happening. He was kind of cold in his email to me.

 

Then I called him around 2pm to say Hi and tell him that I had talked to the dog behaviorist and what she said. He was fairly nice and actually asked me HOW I'm doing. I was shocked. He also asked how my move at work was going. Anyway, I didn't say anything else besides asked how his kids were and how he was and about the dog. 5 minute conversation.

 

THEN, I sent him a text telling him that "I missed the good times with him sometimes" and that "I hoped we could be friends someday". I also said that "I hope he finds someone who makes him happy (really)". He didn't respond and probably won't but at least I said it.

 

I've been wanting to tell him that I miss him sometimes and that I am actually doing well so I was able to do that. Who knows if he even gives a crap but at this point, I am OK with that.

 

What do you think?

[Sassygirl2]

Hey Katt,

 

See you can't think that way! You are setting yourself up for faliure before you even try. You will not be humilating yourself at all! imo. I would have a lot more respect for someone that tries then someone who just gives up.

You have to have the outlook of I'm going to lay everything out to him on your feeling towards him and if it works out you win. If it does not work out for you then you tried which imo is better then just giving up. Your pride will not be destoryed you will have tried and gave it your best to have things work out. That way you can say I gave it my best and your pride will be there w/ you. If not then call me an a hole.

 

Don't let fear overcome you. It's like standing on cliff ready to jump into the water. You're all scared before you jump then you do take that plunge and it was great.

 

I have been through this. I loved my exgf so much that i would take a bullet for her. I wanted to marry her and had the ring made just for her. Well She Hurt me big time 3 times and I was able to recover so you can too. So if it doesn't work out go on a vacation where there is blue ocean water and it will help heal you.

 

best of luck to you!

 

Wow - you have been through a lot. That must have been so hard to be that close to marriage and then she dumps you. I'm sorry. You seem like you are doing OK though. How did you get through it?

[Katt22]

So I caved yesterday and I texted him. I apologized for not answering his texts and calls. He didn't get back to me for two hours. When he did get back to me he asked if I wanted to meet up this weekend so I could retrieve my things. I told him I work all weekend, which is true. He then accused me more or less of using this as just an excuse to meet. I was so offended, I asked him to just mail me my things, he was the one who insisted to meet up.

 

I was trying to keep my temper and texted him back something generic, not really answering the question. He then didn't answer. I told him that I did miss him, and I was hoping that we could at least be civil with each other. He then told me rather coldly that he didn't "want anything with me" and that this business about my belongings was "stressing him out". I just wanted to cry. All I wanted back were my things and he couldn't even treat me with the same respect that you would a stranger.

 

I kinda felt something break inside me. Like this little glimmer of hope that I had been feeding lies to keep alive. Honestly I let it torture me for so long, telling myself that he missed me and that one day soon he'd snap out of it and realize how wonderful I am. Suddenly, almost three months after he shattered my world I finally realized he wasn't. He's a horrible person, he's narcissistic and cruel. He doesn't know the first thing about being a real man, honestly he was rocking more estrogen that I am at any given time. He will die alone and angry, the good Lord was watching over me and protecting me by taking him out of my life. I can't tolerate a man with cruelty in his heart.

 

I told him just to keep my things, that I wouldn't bother him anymore. He didn't answer for another hour. When he did he thanked me and then said "Sorry, I'm bad at this. But how is work, and your family?" I couldn't believe he was playing the I wanna be your friend card after everything he had put me through. I said "You don't have to pretend to be interested" to which he replied "I was just trying to be nice. I was hoping we could be friends from afar" What a joke! I told him "Honestly this is the first attempt you've made to be my friend. You don't have to humor me, if you want to be friends than make the slightest effort. I know dogs that have treated me like a better friend than you have, so escuse me if I'm just a little unconvinced."

 

He then replied "Ok, then I won't be a friend because I choose not to be. I'm sorry for all the trouble I put you through. Goodbye."

 

I said "I really don't understand your choices. The only thing you've ever been good at is letting me down, even now. I guess I forgive you for that. I always hoped that I was good to you and I always wished that you'd have been better to me. So Goodbye I guess."

 

He hasn't answered my back. I deleted his number. I don't expect to ever hear from him again. In a really weird way I feel like all this weight has lifted off me. On the way home from work I cried like a baby, but not for him. I cried about everything I had been through in the last year. I haven't cried since, I just don't feel like it for the first time in a long time. Part of me was ashamed for contacting him, but then I kinda realized I was using NC to keep this sense of false hope and it was just killing me inside. I was ready to know the horrible truth, and that was he's truly a broken person, a complete coward, and I deserve so much better.

 

The question is now, what do I do with my worthless engagement rings? I kinda wanted to dispose of them in some kind of ritual, any suggestions?

[Katt22]

So its been a few days since our last conversation, probably ever. I guess the shock of it has worn off and I'm really dealing with it. In a weird way I feel better, its like I've managed to scrape some closure out of this nightmare. A little bit of the heaviness and sadness I have been feeling really acutely the last few weeks has begun to lift a little bit. In a weird way this feels sad on a whole new level, I think I've clung on to this weird depression for so long its kinda scary having to let it go. Its like a sad, cold security blanket.

 

I've been so up and down the last few weeks that its left me pretty emotionally exhausted. I've now gone from the extreme of sleeping all the time to hardly being able to sleep at all. I have to exercise at night to even start getting fatigued and even then when I lay down my mind just races. I'm so angry and hurt and frustrated that I just want to scream sometimes. I feel like he got away with everything so easy, I guess I just have to keep faith that he will get whats coming to him, not that it really matters. Its petty I know.

 

Its been kinda hard to keep my head up lately. I keep taking inventory of all the things I've lost, dreams, plans, mutual friends, the security. I miss the friendship and having stupid laughs, I miss feeling close to someone. I feel very alone a lot of the time, but I guess I will get used to it again. As scary and pathetic as it seems. So I guess this is healing. It kinda sucks.

[IfiKnewThen]

dear katt22 i am sorry for ALL that you are going through.

 

quote: I cried about everything I had been through in the last year. I haven't cried since, I just don't feel like it for the first time in a long time. Part of me was ashamed for contacting him, but then I kinda realized I was using NC to keep this sense of false hope and it was just killing me inside. I was ready to know the horrible truth, and that was he's truly a broken person, a complete coward, and I deserve so much better.

 

omg this is so proufoundly TRUE. its better to know. i personally think its good you faced him. faced down the deamon and fear. i hate that he put his stupid bullcrap spin on it and said you wanted to see him. i wish to gawd, that you told him "he is a legend in HIS OWN MIND"!!!!! and just kept repeating..."send my stuff in the mail. send it!!!!!!!!!!! (in a firm and serious tone). send it with delivery confirmation!!!! send it this week!!! no more waiting!!, all of it, everything...the money too" whatever belonged to YOU.

 

then got his confirmation to do that and hang up. he is JUST being a lazy a$$$ who doesnt want to have to give you your stuff back. its laziness, trust me and nothing more. they dont want to have to go out of their way for you anymore. i have been there done that and am stilll facing that . i FINALLY this weekend got 2 huge boxes back of some of my things. it took 12 days of being on edge in the mail, because he didnt send it priority mail. sent parcel post, but it did have delivery confirmation with some sort of tracking number. anyway, i kept praying and praying and i feel a prayer answered that it got here safe. but he still has tons more to mail.

 

he kept saying at fiorst that he thought this stuff was his. but he was just being lazy because he didnt want to put himself out anymore.

 

 

ditch this loser. if you want...still get your stuff. tell him mail my things or have someone call him in a very serious tone...(not yelling , but damn firm) and tell him to get your things in the mail, insured with tracking. ASAP!

 

that will give him the message youre done with his chit and he is ONLY being a legend in HIS OWN EGOTISTICAL small mind.

 

sorry for your h..ll. hang in there and thanks be to GOd he is an ex. hhe is clearly obnoxious and a loser. big time. i dont care if he was a saint before...he showed his dark side and good riddance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Katt22]

Thanks IfIKnew, its been a crazy road. I can't believe I couldn't see what an egotistical douche he really is until just then. Here I was dreading the thought of speaking to him, with the thought of having to meet him and see him in order to get my things back literally making me ill, and he accuses me of playing some kind of game. I wanted to cry and throw up and punch him in the face all at once. And then after that insulting display, he tries to take the high road and be friendly. It insults my intelligence, it insults all the anguish I've been through.

 

I stood by him through so much, there I was right by his side when things were horrible and I didn't even mumble one complaint. One day he up and pulls the rug from under my feet and then accuses me of some ridiculous bum-f*ckery. I don't think that ever before in my life could I say that I truly hated someone, but I am truly coming to hate him so much its frightening.

 

Let him have my things, and my money. It will come back to him, he'll pay me back in his future misery with interest, I have no doubt. I hope he comes crawling back to me one day so I can stomp on him like the worm he is, in the mean time I have bigger and better things to do.

[giuliano-3]

Katt, me and your ex sound fairly different and the situations were certainly different. The only thing similar is that we both had stuff at our place which belonged to the ex. In my case I had every reason to throw everything she owned away (computer, clothes, jewelry etc) because she wronged me so horribly. I ended up sending her stuff to her mom because I was weak (and a 'nice guy'). But I also kept some things to remind me for way too long.

 

It took a year and moving to a different apartment to finally get rid of everything. What appeared as "lazy" was really just the inability to completely let go of her. Not sure if this factors at all with your ex, but you might consider it a possibility. Even those who show no outward emotion often are experiencing turmoil in their minds. Maybe this guy regrets what happened, I know for a fact (albeit a year later) that my ex was absolutely gutted by what she did. It will live with her forever, literally. There is no way she will ever be able to put our relationship in the past completely. She will always be haunted by her childish actions. This gives me some closure, and has turned my hatred of her into pity. And allowed me to cherish some of our better memories, things that I can take into my next relationship as positives. I hope time and experience help you reach a similar peace of mind.

 

If he hasn't thrown your stuff away at this point I would bet that you will get everything back eventually. Unless he's an addict or something.

[Katt22]

He just doesn't strike me as the kind of person to keep my few things out of some kind of subconscious need to remember me. He decimated the life we built together on a whim with absolutely no concern for me. He just doesn't want to deal with it probably because talking to me reminds him of how guilty he is. I hope everything reminds him of me, I hope he's miserable. He's probably trashed them by now. Not that it really matters.

 

Thank you for the input but I just can't deal with false hope. He's not pinning over me, not yet at least. I'm fairly confident that it will hit him one day but that might not be for years and years and I'm just not going to wait around for him to extract his head out of his a** anymore. He can keep my things, and my money. I'll take my dignity and move on.

[climbskirun]

Kat proud of you for laying it out there. It seems like you found some answers and sorry it didn't work out for you.

 

Sassy it is hard for me and how I got over it well I haven't yet. She is still on my mind all the time but after the BS she pulled on me it would take a lot of effort on her part for us to be even friends.

I exercise like a mad man yet that doesn't help i've been on dates and that doesn't help either. I just feel like I lost my true love.