Judged due to minimum dating history.

[irc333]

The other night, I went out on a date, I typically don't date that much, because I rarely get offers, I probably get a date once every few months.

 

When Iw as out with her, she asked me how often I dated and when my last relationship was.

 

I was honest with her, that was in a bit of a dry spell, and I hadn't been in a long term relationship in a while. So after revealing this to her, and other women while on a date...I wonder if I'm being judged that I'm not the big "Casanova" like some men are.

 

Of course, she was married once, and she asked me "So how come you never married?"

 

Of course, also, I gave her the same stock answer, "I suppose I haven't met the right person yet that shares my values and beliefs."

 

Of course, I don't find many women that are interseted in me...except for the women I'm actually talking to that happen to have actually agreed to go out with me.

 

Do people judge you based on your LACK of dating history?

 

I recall the TV show "The Love Connection" where Chuck Woolery would announce the prospect on stage, and he would say, "THis is Bill, he dates around 2 to 3 times a week...blah blah blah"

 

I was like "Yeah right, like I'd be able to get that many dates in a WEEK?"

 

I've always wondered how lack of experience would be a deal breaker, when it really could be a good thing.

 

Like a twice divorced woman would have anything going for her, BECAUSE of her 2 divorces, as opposed to the guy/gal who didn't make the wrong choice in a spouse.

Edited April 24, 2011 by irc333

[Professor X]

All in all you're right.

 

But this is what some of them think when you tell them it's been a while since or that you've never been married, etc etc:

 

"How come he was never married? Probably means he's afraid of commitments"

"How come he was never in a long RS? Probably he's a player"

"How come it has been so long since his last date?" Probably he doesn't care that much.

 

etc etc.

 

Again, I'm not saying it's 100% true, but it part of their chain of thoughts - I sat one day with a friend of mine and asked her those questions, that's what she told me.

[zengirl]

I judge guys by the relationships they've been in, but not how often they get dates. Someone who dates around 2-3 times a week would not be attractive to me, but then neither would someone who hadn't had a couple significant relationships and already knew how to be a good boyfriend (something you only learn in relationships) already. At 26, I'm not into training someone.

[irc333]

I judge guys by the relationships they've been in, but not how often they get dates. Someone who dates around 2-3 times a week would not be attractive to me, but then neither would someone who hadn't had a couple significant relationships and already knew how to be a good boyfriend (something you only learn in relationships) already. At 26, I'm not into training someone.

 

Chances are, you would not be relationship material.

 

It saddens me to hear a woman say, "I'm not into training someone"

 

That means, they're selfish, and don't put work into relationships anyhow.

 

I mean, if one won't put up with the inexperienced, chances are there's other diffulties you'll bail on as well.

 

I mean no offense by this, but it's the truth.

 

It's kind of like when someone applies for a job that doesn't have experience, you have to GET experience in order to get the job, but if you can't get the job to GET the said experience, well...it's a paradox.

 

Kind of like trying to establish credit.

 

If you're not willing to give someone a shot, then chances are you're not marriage material, or maybe not even long-term relationship material

To put it blankly, you're lazy.

[fortyninethousand322]

I judge guys by the relationships they've been in, but not how often they get dates. Someone who dates around 2-3 times a week would not be attractive to me, but then neither would someone who hadn't had a couple significant relationships and already knew how to be a good boyfriend (something you only learn in relationships) already. At 26, I'm not into training someone.

 

Wow, I guess I only have 3 more years until I get into "undateable" territory. You're welcome to your own preferences, but I do hope you realize how crushing that kind of statement is to guys like me (the inexperienced ones). When I read a statement like that I only come to two conclusions: 1) if you reach that age and you're inexperienced you should give up or 2) you need to lie (or engage in historical revisionism as I'd like to call it).

 

It's not your job to uphold my self esteem but this is how a lot of the more inexperienced guys will see it.

[irc333]

You know, the ironic thing? I'm the complete opposite of a player or non-commital. lol

 

 

All in all you're right.

 

But this is what some of them think when you tell them it's been a while since or that you've never been married, etc etc:

 

"How come he was never married? Probably means he's afraid of commitments"

"How come he was never in a long RS? Probably he's a player"

"How come it has been so long since his last date?" Probably he doesn't care that much.

 

etc etc.

 

Again, I'm not saying it's 100% true, but it part of their chain of thoughts - I sat one day with a friend of mine and asked her those questions, that's what she told me.

[chuckles11]

Chances are, you would not be relationship material.

 

It saddens me to hear a woman say, "I'm not into training someone"

 

That means, they're selfish, and don't put work into relationships anyhow.

 

I mean, if one won't put up with the inexperienced, chances are there's other diffulties you'll bail on as well.

 

I mean no offense by this, but it's the truth.

 

It's kind of like when someone applies for a job that doesn't have experience, you have to GET experience in order to get the job, but if you can't get the job to GET the said experience, well...it's a paradox.

 

Kind of like trying to establish credit.

 

If you're not willing to give someone a shot, then chances are you're not marriage material, or maybe not even long-term relationship material

To put it blankly, you're lazy.

 

People date to get their own needs met, not to cater to others. No one is under any obligation to give you "a shot". If you feel that women are being turned off by your lack of experience, stop volunteering that information.

[irc333]

You're welcome to your own preferences, but I do hope you realize how crushing that kind of statement is to guys like me (the inexperienced ones).

 

Yeah, and at 26....that's pretty young, too.

 

I recall watching the TV Show "Blind Date", and there was this clean cut guy that was on a date with a woman, they talked about how many sex partners they had, and they were both early 20's

 

He had been with only 3 women.

 

She giggled, and said she had been with about a dozen guys. She was probably thinking, "Oh my, he probably thinks I'm a slut."

 

He didn't have a problem with the amount of men she been with, but ironically, due to major guilt on her end, she probably put him out of the running due to his having being conservative in his sexual choices, where she basically slutted herself out to many men.

[irc333]

People date to get their own needs met, not to cater to others. No one is under any obligation to give you "a shot". If you feel that women are being turned off by your lack of experience, stop volunteering that information.

 

I never volunteered it, she solicitated the question to me.

 

Should've I've lied?

[fishtaco]

Chances are, you would not be relationship material.

 

It saddens me to hear a woman say, "I'm not into training someone"

 

zengirl, well, at least her online persona, is NOT someone I'd even be interested in being acquaintances with. So I would not disagree that she's not relationship material... for me personally. I'm sure plenty of other men do like her. And I'm sure the feeling is mutual.

 

But I have to come to her defense in this case that it's unfair for you to say that.

 

It is her right to not want to train anyone. The world is not a giant babysitting service. We are all adults. If you can't play the game, you lose. You don't get to cry and suddenly someone gives you a mulligan.

 

Dating scene is a harsh place. Life is not fair. You do what you have to do. If you're worried about your history, you can do two things to fix it:

 

1) lie

2) date practice girls

 

Not nice. But what's the alternative? This is the game. Learn to play it, or you lose.

[fortyninethousand322]

Yeah, and at 26....that's pretty young, too.

 

I recall watching the TV Show "Blind Date", and there was this clean cut guy that was on a date with a woman, they talked about how many sex partners they had, and they were both early 20's

 

He had been with only 3 women.

 

She giggled, and said she had been with about a dozen guys. She was probably thinking, "Oh my, he probably thinks I'm a slut."

 

He didn't have a problem with the amount of men she been with, but ironically, due to major guilt on her end, she probably put him out of the running due to his having being conservative in his sexual choices, where she basically slutted herself out to many men.

 

Well I think saying that she "slutted herself out" is a little harsh. I don't really care how many partners (within reason) a person has had but more the quality of partners, I don't want to date someone who has a habit of picking up strangers in bars just to sleep with them, our life values wouldn't match up. I just don't want to feel like if I don't get to dating soon that I might as well give up on ever having a normal relationship. I feel like I'm a good person and I have a lot to offer, and I'd like to find someone with the same. I don't think most people realize how much pressure there is being an inexperienced guy in his 20s when everyone expects you to either be dating or out having sex with as many people as possible. The idea that I have only 3 years before people will no longer want to "train" me is severely disheartening. I already feel bad enough as it is having never kissed a girl at 23, I don't need to feel any worse.

[fortyninethousand322]

zengirl, well, at least her online persona, is NOT someone I'd even be interested in being acquaintances with. So I would not disagree that she's not relationship material... for me personally. I'm sure plenty of other men do like her. And I'm sure the feeling is mutual.

 

But I have to come to her defense in this case that it's unfair for you to say that.

 

It is her right to not want to train anyone. The world is not a giant babysitting service. We are all adults. If you can't play the game, you lose. You don't get to cry and suddenly someone gives you a mulligan.

 

Dating scene is a harsh place. Life is not fair. You do what you have to do. If you're worried about your history, you can do two things to fix it:

 

1) lie

2) date practice girls

 

Not nice. But what's the alternative? This is the game. Learn to play it, or you lose.

 

To be fair though, she did say "relationships" not just "dating". So the OP would have to have "practice relationships" not "practice dating girls". All things being even I go with lying.

 

Remember, it's not a lie if other people believe it to be true.

[irc333]

Not nice. But what's the alternative? This is the game. Learn to play it, or you lose.

 

You are wrong. Of course, there are people who do play games, and lose as well. So it's all moot.

 

If you can't be honest with yourself, then one cannot mature in a relationship.

 

People are under this impression that it's all a big "game", this is something I refuse to be a part of at all.

 

If not being part of it means being single for the rest of my life, then so be it, while others partake in rising divorce rate and abusive relationships.

 

Ironic, even though people in their profiles state constantly, "I don't like to play games" That's something little kids play. Sure, it probably works in highschool or the college days of dating though.

[irc333]

Well I think saying that she "slutted herself out" is a little harsh. I don't really care how many partners (within reason) a person has had but more the quality of partners, I don't want to date someone who has a habit of picking up strangers in bars just to sleep with them, our life values wouldn't match up. I just don't want to feel like if I don't get to dating soon that I might as well give up on ever having a normal relationship. I feel like I'm a good person and I have a lot to offer, and I'd like to find someone with the same. I don't think most people realize how much pressure there is being an inexperienced guy in his 20s when everyone expects you to either be dating or out having sex with as many people as possible. The idea that I have only 3 years before people will no longer want to "train" me is severely disheartening. I already feel bad enough as it is having never kissed a girl at 23, I don't need to feel any worse.

 

12 men by the age of 24? Well, in my opinion, though harsh, it's the truth.

 

I think I"m seeing a pattern as to why people don't appreciate the inexperienced.

 

Typically, the inexperienced are holding out for the right person, are making wise choices when it comes to dating.

 

In fact, I even had turned DOWN sex from women I thought I wouldn't be dating or right for me. I even turned down sexual favors from a FWB opportunity, I wanted to date her, but not be an FWB.

 

So yes, I'm one of "those" guys who has a somewhat high moral compass.

 

I don't look down on those who don't, but I'm just saying, I do like to keep it in the pants, suprisingly, even as a man.

[chuckles11]

I never volunteered it, she solicitated the question to me.

 

Should've I've lied?

 

 

To put it bluntly, yes. Obviously you shouldn't lie about having been married or about having recently gotten out of a long term relationship, but I wouldn't recommend telling someone that you've hit a dry spell recently.

 

At the very least, I'd recommend making up an excuse to explain why you haven't dated in the past few months other than admitting that women usually aren't interested in you.

[irc333]

To put it bluntly, yes. Obviously you shouldn't lie about having been married or about having recently gotten out of a long term relationship, but I wouldn't recommend telling someone that you've hit a dry spell recently.

 

At the very least, I'd recommend making up an excuse to explain why you haven't dated in the past few months other than admitting that women usually aren't interested in you.

 

Hm, I suppose somehow find way to make it seem like I haven't hit a dry spell by doing that. Mix a lie with the truth.

 

Who knows, she might've not even thought much about it. <shrug>

[fortyninethousand322]

12 men by the age of 24? Well, in my opinion, though harsh, it's the truth.

 

I think I"m seeing a pattern as to why people don't appreciate the inexperienced.

 

Typically, the inexperienced are holding out for the right person, are making wise choices when it comes to dating.

 

In fact, I even had turned DOWN sex from women I thought I wouldn't be dating or right for me. I even turned down sexual favors from a FWB opportunity, I wanted to date her, but not be an FWB.

 

So yes, I'm one of "those" guys who has a somewhat high moral compass.

 

I don't look down on those who don't, but I'm just saying, I do like to keep it in the pants, suprisingly, even as a man.

 

You have to do what's best for you, I personally wouldn't want an FWB situation with a girl either.

 

I think the reason people look down on inexperienced people is that they get a little "creeped out" by guys who don't have much luck. They think (if even subconsciously) "what in the world is wrong with him that no woman would have him?" Seriously, I have seen guys worse looking than me, guys without a job, guys who dropped out of college, guys who live at home, etc. all do better than me, primarily because they started dating at a reasonable age, got comfortable with dating and now do fairly well.

 

I know I need to get going on actually getting experience, I just don't like people implying that I've got an expiration date or a deadline to meet.

[irc333]

LOL

 

Yeah, they should have a message board for people like us.

 

 

The "Dry Spell" club and the "Expiration date" club or some kind of club.

 

But it is kind of shocking and actually rather disturbing to hear people say "They won't train someone". They, well, I feel that they don't feel sympathy for said peoples who aren't experience, and don't have a "routine" dating life like so many others have.

 

What irks me is, when I finally land a first date with a woman, she must've been attracted to me for some reason to respond to my email and agree to meet me in person.

 

Then THAT woman starts to question my dating history, and then she gets wierded out by my dry spell.

 

It's a perpetuating cycle, and they're perpetuating the problem,and her judging him harshly doesn't help him out at all.

 

I figured she'd go, "Now this guy is a CATCH, I'll continue to see him! He's got so many other qualities, perhaps I shall consider myself lucky I crossed his path."

 

But shockingly, in many cases, it's rather the opposite, and no one can see this as a benefit. Perhaps they're comparing their long series of abusive boyfriends and bad relationship choices to the person who is holding out for someone special?

 

You see, I'm one of those guys that don't have to put my hand on an oven hot ring to know that it's hot, but some people feel the need to do that in order to learn their lesson.

 

I guess my dry spell is due to my avoiding toxic women and being intimate with them. While others prefer to make the choice to get involved with someone that's bad for them, and this could be numerous people, until they finally learn their lesson by a certain age (if at all).

 

I guess I feel I'm the only person that doesn't feel the need to gain experience by learning lessons of toxic relationships. I guess when I see a person, I can get an idea of what they're like without getting involved, much less sleep with them.

 

 

 

You have to do what's best for you, I personally wouldn't want an FWB situation with a girl either.

 

I think the reason people look down on inexperienced people is that they get a little "creeped out" by guys who don't have much luck. They think (if even subconsciously) "what in the world is wrong with him that no woman would have him?" Seriously, I have seen guys worse looking than me, guys without a job, guys who dropped out of college, guys who live at home, etc. all do better than me, primarily because they started dating at a reasonable age, got comfortable with dating and now do fairly well.

 

I know I need to get going on actually getting experience, I just don't like people implying that I've got an expiration date or a deadline to meet.

[Professor X]

You don't have an expiration date per say, but it will become harder and harder to get out of this cycle the more you wait.

Already now you doubt yourself. Imagine you are 40yo, then what? Think it'll be easier?

By then it means that chances are you'll never find someone.

 

So my suggestion to you is to date a lot more than you do now, blurr reality a bit when they ask you about RS, tell them you were busy with studies, job, family, etc..

[AD1980]

Im 30 and never been in a relationship becasue im shy when it comes to approaching women and have little self confidecne in my appereance..its hard enough for me to approach stange women but the fact that id be judged by my lack of exeprience if i ever did ever get a date also sucks which is why i dont even try anymore..

 

I dont think my lack of experience would hurt me in a relationship im a pretty easy goign guy but if u think a guy going through a number of failed relationships is autoamtcially a better option or if your a status whore who wants your man deisred by other women have a nice life youre not for me..

 

I give up..women are to godamn picky and overanalzye everyhting..

[irc333]

Yeah, it's pretty sad when a man or a woman find sexual or relationship inexperience an actual negative, when it should be thought of as a positive.

 

Fact is, that there's probably more benefit actually.

 

I mean, hey,...disease free? That's a biggie. No worries of disease, right?

 

 

Im 30 and never been in a relationship becasue im shy when it comes to approaching women and have little self confidecne in my appereance..its hard enough for me to approach stange women but the fact that id be judged by my lack of exeprience if i ever did ever get a date also sucks which is why i dont even try anymore..

 

I dont think my lack of experience would hurt me in a relationship im a pretty easy goign guy but if u think a guy going through a number of failed relationships is autoamtcially a better option or if your a status whore who wants your man deisred by other women have a nice life youre not for me..

 

I give up..women are to godamn picky and overanalzye everyhting..

[mr.dream merchant]

It is quite humorous to see a woman say that she doesn't want to train a boyfriend. Since when did being a boyfriend become an employment opportunity?

 

In all honesty, comments like that only make you look like you're full of yourself.

[fortyninethousand322]

You don't have an expiration date per say, but it will become harder and harder to get out of this cycle the more you wait.

Already now you doubt yourself. Imagine you are 40yo, then what? Think it'll be easier?

By then it means that chances are you'll never find someone.

 

So my suggestion to you is to date a lot more than you do now, blurr reality a bit when they ask you about RS, tell them you were busy with studies, job, family, etc..

 

I absolutely agree with this. I don't doubt that time's a wasting, but I've already put so much pressure on myself to finally "get the monkey off my back" so to speak, that I don't need to feel the additional pressure from other people.

 

I'd love to date more than I do now. But where in the world do I actually find dates?

[irc333]

By then it means that chances are you'll never find someone.

 

No offense, but this was probably the most absurd post made in a while.

 

Sorry, but I don't agree with this.

[irc333]

Im 30 and never been in a relationship becasue im shy when it comes to approaching women and have little self confidecne in my appereance..its hard enough for me to approach stange women but the fact that id be judged by my lack of exeprience if i ever did ever get a date also sucks which is why i dont even try anymore..

 

 

You also have to admit, we live in a rather superficial society where peopel are judged more harshly and aren't really given a chance to prove themselves to be a suitable mate.

 

This society is so obsessed with sex, that being chaste (until the time is right) is seen as a bad thing.