Apathy towards relationship, but still cares about me? What?

April 24, 2011

awas keeping in touch with his ex-gf whom he had just broken up with. He took her phone call outside, thinking I was in the shower, but I overheard him as I came back out to grab something. I made it clear I was uncomfortable about him keeping in touch with his ex, but he didn't really take steps to assure me, or he would get touchy when I brought it up.

Fast forward to 7 months later, I find out that he had been emailing her in the past months while I was already in the picture, not just casual emails, but ones that included "what is happening to us?" and emails where he is asking her what she has planned for that weekend. Something just didn't feel right.

When I confront him about these emails, he admits that the reason he kept in touch with her was because they had an abortion in June that year and he felt guilty about that. The abortion was in June, and into October they were still emailing each other. What is this! He also lied about the abortion earlier when he told me he had never gotten anyone pregnant.

We decided to work on things, I almost dumped him because I was livid that he lied about several things. It took me a really long time to get past the fact he lied about things, he kept in touch with his ex even when he knew it made me unhappy and he insisted nothing much was going on, when in fact that those emails felt like an emotional affair.

I was resentful abit in the relationship, and the lies made me feel insecure. I was so sad because I was so happy in the beginning, and he was not upfront about things. My insecurities created alot of issues and arguments.

He ended things with me in March, saying that even though things have improved and we managed to resolve things faster it has made him feel apathy towards the relationship due to the number of arguments we've had. I reminded him on so many occasions that if he ever had anything he wants to tell me that he is unhappy about he should feel free to communicate it with me. I never felt like he did, or that I never understood.

The first week into the breakup I knew he felt conflicted and had doubts about his decision to end it, but it felt like further away we got from breaking up, his reasons became more and more such as "we have different personalities", "nothing would be different if I was truthful anyway".

It really hurts because it's like he doesn't want to take responsibility in the fact that his dishonesty early in the relationship shaped the nature of our relationship months after that.

A month after we break up, I'm still living in his condo, he has moved out to give me space. I'm leaving in 3 weeks (thank GOD). Last week he asked me 3 times "how are you"' How are you doing". I ignored the whole week and finally wrote back

Me: "You said you have apathy towards me and the relationship. Why do you want to know now?

Him : Because I still care about you alot, and just want to know you're ok

Me: Why bother?! What happened to apathy?

Him: Apathy was towards the relationship, not you

Me: Well, I made 50% of the relationship. So apathy towards the relationship, feels like apathy towards me as well.

Then I proceeded to tell him from now on if we talk it should be about the condo and cats, and that's it.He can try to contact me 3 months from now but I'm in no position to talk about "feelings" now.

I miss him terribly though. Why do they end things and then come back and haunt you. And then want to be friends "so I can check in with you and see how you;re doing"

What the heck for?

April 24, 2011

Cheer's effect.

The contact keeps them on your mind.

It appears to be working.

April 25, 2011

Sorry, noticed my post was not correct earlier, here's the correct version:

"My boyfriend was keeping in touch with his ex-gf whom he had just broken up with. He took her phone call outside, thinking I was in the shower, but I overheard him as I came back out to grab something. I made it clear I was uncomfortable about him keeping in touch with his ex, but he didn't really take steps to assure me, or he would get touchy when I brought it up.

Fast forward to 7 months later, I find out that he had been emailing her in the past months while I was already in the picture, not just casual emails, but ones that included "what is happening to us?" and emails where he is asking her what she has planned for that weekend. Something just didn't feel right. "

Carhill:

Why would he want to do that to me?

I even had to tell him to stop asking how I am and telling me he cares about me. It's really annoying.

April 25, 2011

He could be a 'collector'; a person who collects people to fill needs, perhaps even innocent ones, which he cannot fill alone. It's possible he has a hard time being alone, even incidentally, so keeps people around to fill up the time. I've known a few men who keep in close contact with multiple ex'es, not for sex, but just to have them around.

April 25, 2011

With every paragraph I read I was ready to come to a new conclusion. By the time I reached the end all that I could think of was that he seems like a very, very confused person. It's one thing to try to work things out on some level with a person that knows what they want (jerk or not), it's a whole other to deal with someone who makes a new conflicting or confusing statement all the time. I'm no expert, but the guy sounds like a he's leading you on a road to pain even if he doesn't know it.

April 25, 2011

I know. I feel like he is confused as well.

When we broke up he said he was unhappy about the arguments had taken the wind out of his sails and he just didn't feel enthusiastic about the relationship anymore. He said "we get on fine and have a good time and all that, but when we argue it just takes too long to resolve. And we STILL argue about silly stuff"

I countered that arguments and disagreements are bound to happen, but just pick yourself up and keep going. He said "Some of those arguments shouldn't have happened, they were assinine and energy sucking things"

But then, he acknowledges that things have gotten better and we resolve things faster. If this is the case then why quit now?

It really sucks too when he says "even if I had told you what I'm unhappy about i don't think it would have made a difference and there is only so much you can bend or change to meet someone else in the middle"

The guy :

-never told me what he was unhappy about until it was too late

-doesn't know what he needs from me to feel better. Like he can't verbalize it

-but yet thinks it wouldn't make a difference if he told me anyway (you don't know till you try, right?)

-Sites personality differences. An example he gave was the fact that he is ADD and interrupts people when they talk, and I just told him to TRY not to. He interrupts me alot when we argue and gives off this rapid fired bursts of words. It's hard to argue like that, and when I ask him to let me finish what I'm trying to say, he gets frustrated. He can ask the same of me when he talks, but he chalks it down to "That is just the way I am!"

Aren't relationships about being open and communicative?? I cannot believe I wasted 3 years of my life on this, and now he just walks away.

April 25, 2011

I know. I feel like he is confused as well.
When we broke up he said he was unhappy about the arguments had taken the wind out of his sails and he just didn't feel enthusiastic about the relationship anymore. He said "we get on fine and have a good time and all that, but when we argue it just takes too long to resolve. And we STILL argue about silly stuff"

I countered that arguments and disagreements are bound to happen, but just pick yourself up and keep going. He said "Some of those arguments shouldn't have happened, they were assinine and energy sucking things"

But then, he acknowledges that things have gotten better and we resolve things faster. If this is the case then why quit now?

It really sucks too when he says "even if I had told you what I'm unhappy about i don't think it would have made a difference and there is only so much you can bend or change to meet someone else in the middle"
The guy :

-never told me what he was unhappy about until it was too late
-doesn't know what he needs from me to feel better. Like he can't verbalize it
-but yet thinks it wouldn't make a difference if he told me anyway (you don't know till you try, right?)
-Sites personality differences. An example he gave was the fact that he is ADD and interrupts people when they talk, and I just told him to TRY not to. He interrupts me alot when we argue and gives off this rapid fired bursts of words. It's hard to argue like that, and when I ask him to let me finish what I'm trying to say, he gets frustrated. He can ask the same of me when he talks, but he chalks it down to "That is just the way I am!"

Aren't relationships about being open and communicative?? I cannot believe I wasted 3 years of my life on this, and now he just walks away.

Can you give an example of what your arguments were about & who started them?

April 25, 2011

Here are a few examples:

Timing:

He'd say he'll be home "9 or 10 p.m., probably" but rolls in the door at 12 midnight. No phone call or text saying he'll be late. When I explain this upsets me, especially since he knew i was feeling blue that night, he gets defensive and says I didn't promise you anything tonight.

It's also hard to reach him on the phone sometimes. He rides his motorbike out and when he reaches his destination, he could at least text me to let me know he's good, but when I text him once , twice and get nothing, I get worried. And then about an hour later I get a text from him saying "oops, forgot to look at my phone". Why let your loved one worry about you like that?

One time early in 2009 I even recall making a nice roast for dinner and waiting like 3 hours before he got home!

Forgetfulness:

Says he is going to do something with me, but forgets and okays something with his friends. Granted he is ADD, and this was difficult at first, but eventually I learned to work around it and just gently remind him that he already agreed to do something with me.

Also, he forgot to make reservations for my birthday. I threw him a surprise birthday party in 2009 and organized it and invited his friends and for my birthday in April 2010, he didn't really make any effort. I know he is forgetful, but something like a birthday? It's kinda important! I wasn't asking for a HUGE birthday or expensive jewels, I just wanted to have brunch at this nice place and he forgot to reserve a table for us. It was booked out and we couldn't go. He felt bad and apologized, and I was alittle upset but I let it go.

Quality Time

We live together, and so a year into moving in I started to request date nights. Just twice a month, because his job is contract based and going to end soon and so he was trying not to spend money outside so much. Totally understandable! But even then it was hard because he said we spend time at home together all the time anyway. It's like he doesn't understand the concept of quality time and the importance of connecting. We argued about this as well.

And we've also argued at the fact that sometimes he will talk to me about doing something fun "Hey we should do this and that..." and then at a social gathering he invites like a group of people to do that activity. I thought it was just going to be me and him! It just always catches me by surprise! I enjoy a good get together like anyone else, but it just felt like he doesn't understand the importance of intimacy.

Helping out

I work further away from home and when I moved in with him, we had his agreement that he would help get me to the park and ride to catch my bus or he told me I could wake him up if I needed a ride directly to work.

One morning in December we both woke up late, I needed to be in by 8:30 a.m. and he doesn't have to be in until 10 a.m. I asked if he could help me out and give me a ride, and he refused, not because he couldn't, but because it was inconvenient for him. I don't have the options of staying late at work, but he does, but he still refused to help me out that day. I would have bent over backwards to help him out. He didn't want to do it because "it's alot of driving". Takes only 20 minutes to get me to work and 20 minutes back to his work place.

Facebook

So he doesn't exactly have a history of being upfront with me, but I got past it eventually! One day in December I saw a German girl on his FB profile that he just added. Curious to me, since I wasn't aware he had friends in Germany. I'm always talking about going to Europe because I have so many friends over there, but he has this girl-friend in Germany and never talked about her. So I asked him

Me: "who is this girl"

Him: oh, she works at some big gaming company in Germany. I thought she was a recruiter

Me: Oh! so you don't actually know her?

Him: no, I don't.

Me: but you added her? (I'm confused, because I only add people I know on FB, not strangers, so here, I'm trying to understand)

Him: Yes, I did. Why are you interrogating me?

Me: I'm not interogating you. I just thought it's odd you have a friend in Germany, this pretty girl but you never mentioned her. Hmm. She plays video games too

Again, the fact I mentioned she plays games, was because it's the only thing I COULD see on her profile. I wasn't being mistrustful. He got mad at me and accused me of interrogating. I even apologized to him saying "yeah, ok, maybe I shouldn't phrase it that way. I can see how you felt put on the spot"

He is still mad about it and thinks I shouldn't have asked so many questions. Why not? I'm in a relationship with you dude, for 3 years almost. What's wrong with a question or two. If there is nothing going on why so defensive? Why so jumpy...which brings me to the next topics

Jumpiness

He gets jumpy when I ask him simple stuff. For Christmas he got me a nice jacket and a nice teapot + infuser. Loved it!

Then I just casually asked

Me: "so, how come you didn't get me the color markers? Were they expensive

Him: Oh, I didn't think you wanted it that much

Me: oh ok. I just was curious because it was the least expensive thing on the list. I thought you would get that because we were trying to save money.

Him: Are you not happy with your gifts? Did I ruin your christmas or something?

Me: omg! No, I didn't say that!

He was unemployed for 5 montsh last year. I encouraged him to pick up his work abit and work on his portfolio. I stood by him all those months and assured him he will never be alone to face this, I'm there to support him.

My reminders to him stressed him out but he said he was glad I'm there to motivate me. Then I just said "I wish I had someone motivate me too sometimes when I'm stuck inthe rut". (I said this because ALL this time, it's been about his unemployment, his doubts & insecurity with his art like he's not good enough or something). We have focused so much on him that I started to feel consumed by it and so mentioned I wish someone could motivate me the way I motivate him. THIS, made him feel bad.

Like, everything little thing makes him feel bad.

Passiveness

Sometimes when he's upset about something, he won't come out and say it to my face or deal with it. Instead, he sneaks in snarky comments or sarcasm. It hurts!

A week before we broke up we went to get pet food, and we were running late to a concert...so when we got inside I said "ok, hurry let;s get the food and go". He responds by 'Geez, YES Ma'am!" and throws me a dirty look.

Like, if my tone of voice wasn't so cool or whatever, couldn't he just say "Hey, don't talk to me like that, you're being too bossy". Instead of being sarcastic. And I recoiled from that look, and he doesn't get why it hurt me, and instead laid the blame at my feet saying "oh it was JUST a look. If you weren't bossy, I would have never said that".

Granted I probably shoudln't have been bossy, but we were in a hurry, and it wasn't personal.

It's like he thinks I'm out to get him or something!

April 25, 2011

I'm so sad about this because we are like best friends. I just miss hanging out with him, mostly. I wish we didnt argue so much, but now that we're almost "there" he chooses to let go.

To redeem himself from the lies he told me, he said I should bring something up with him as soon as I can, so I don't sit and stew in it and become resentful. Most of the heart of the arguments revolved around me feeling insecure that I was his first choice, and because he lied about his ex to me. I found a whole folder of her pictures in his porn folder on his PC. I found it by accident! It made me feel like S***! He said he never looked back after he met me, and here was a folder with her pictures in it. And all those emails back and forth between them too.

So he told me whenever I wanted to talk it out with him, I could. Talkign about it with him helped me move past. I just wasn't aware HE started to slide downhill and feel bad about the relationship. He never told me.

April 26, 2011

Here are a few examples:

Timing:
He'd say he'll be home "9 or 10 p.m., probably" but rolls in the door at 12 midnight. No phone call or text saying he'll be late. When I explain this upsets me, especially since he knew i was feeling blue that night, he gets defensive and says I didn't promise you anything tonight.
It's also hard to reach him on the phone sometimes. He rides his motorbike out and when he reaches his destination, he could at least text me to let me know he's good, but when I text him once , twice and get nothing, I get worried. And then about an hour later I get a text from him saying "oops, forgot to look at my phone". Why let your loved one worry about you like that?
One time early in 2009 I even recall making a nice roast for dinner and waiting like 3 hours before he got home!

Forgetfulness:
Says he is going to do something with me, but forgets and okays something with his friends. Granted he is ADD, and this was difficult at first, but eventually I learned to work around it and just gently remind him that he already agreed to do something with me.
Also, he forgot to make reservations for my birthday. I threw him a surprise birthday party in 2009 and organized it and invited his friends and for my birthday in April 2010, he didn't really make any effort. I know he is forgetful, but something like a birthday? It's kinda important! I wasn't asking for a HUGE birthday or expensive jewels, I just wanted to have brunch at this nice place and he forgot to reserve a table for us. It was booked out and we couldn't go. He felt bad and apologized, and I was alittle upset but I let it go.

Quality Time
We live together, and so a year into moving in I started to request date nights. Just twice a month, because his job is contract based and going to end soon and so he was trying not to spend money outside so much. Totally understandable! But even then it was hard because he said we spend time at home together all the time anyway. It's like he doesn't understand the concept of quality time and the importance of connecting. We argued about this as well.
And we've also argued at the fact that sometimes he will talk to me about doing something fun "Hey we should do this and that..." and then at a social gathering he invites like a group of people to do that activity. I thought it was just going to be me and him! It just always catches me by surprise! I enjoy a good get together like anyone else, but it just felt like he doesn't understand the importance of intimacy.

Helping out
I work further away from home and when I moved in with him, we had his agreement that he would help get me to the park and ride to catch my bus or he told me I could wake him up if I needed a ride directly to work.
One morning in December we both woke up late, I needed to be in by 8:30 a.m. and he doesn't have to be in until 10 a.m. I asked if he could help me out and give me a ride, and he refused, not because he couldn't, but because it was inconvenient for him. I don't have the options of staying late at work, but he does, but he still refused to help me out that day. I would have bent over backwards to help him out. He didn't want to do it because "it's alot of driving". Takes only 20 minutes to get me to work and 20 minutes back to his work place.

Facebook
So he doesn't exactly have a history of being upfront with me, but I got past it eventually! One day in December I saw a German girl on his FB profile that he just added. Curious to me, since I wasn't aware he had friends in Germany. I'm always talking about going to Europe because I have so many friends over there, but he has this girl-friend in Germany and never talked about her. So I asked him
Me: "who is this girl"
Him: oh, she works at some big gaming company in Germany. I thought she was a recruiter
Me: Oh! so you don't actually know her?
Him: no, I don't.
Me: but you added her? (I'm confused, because I only add people I know on FB, not strangers, so here, I'm trying to understand)
Him: Yes, I did. Why are you interrogating me?
Me: I'm not interogating you. I just thought it's odd you have a friend in Germany, this pretty girl but you never mentioned her. Hmm. She plays video games too

Again, the fact I mentioned she plays games, was because it's the only thing I COULD see on her profile. I wasn't being mistrustful. He got mad at me and accused me of interrogating. I even apologized to him saying "yeah, ok, maybe I shouldn't phrase it that way. I can see how you felt put on the spot"
He is still mad about it and thinks I shouldn't have asked so many questions. Why not? I'm in a relationship with you dude, for 3 years almost. What's wrong with a question or two. If there is nothing going on why so defensive? Why so jumpy...which brings me to the next topics

Jumpiness
He gets jumpy when I ask him simple stuff. For Christmas he got me a nice jacket and a nice teapot + infuser. Loved it!
Then I just casually asked
Me: "so, how come you didn't get me the color markers? Were they expensive
Him: Oh, I didn't think you wanted it that much
Me: oh ok. I just was curious because it was the least expensive thing on the list. I thought you would get that because we were trying to save money.
Him: Are you not happy with your gifts? Did I ruin your christmas or something?
Me: omg! No, I didn't say that!

He was unemployed for 5 montsh last year. I encouraged him to pick up his work abit and work on his portfolio. I stood by him all those months and assured him he will never be alone to face this, I'm there to support him.
My reminders to him stressed him out but he said he was glad I'm there to motivate me. Then I just said "I wish I had someone motivate me too sometimes when I'm stuck inthe rut". (I said this because ALL this time, it's been about his unemployment, his doubts & insecurity with his art like he's not good enough or something). We have focused so much on him that I started to feel consumed by it and so mentioned I wish someone could motivate me the way I motivate him. THIS, made him feel bad.
Like, everything little thing makes him feel bad.

Passiveness
Sometimes when he's upset about something, he won't come out and say it to my face or deal with it. Instead, he sneaks in snarky comments or sarcasm. It hurts!
A week before we broke up we went to get pet food, and we were running late to a concert...so when we got inside I said "ok, hurry let;s get the food and go". He responds by 'Geez, YES Ma'am!" and throws me a dirty look.
Like, if my tone of voice wasn't so cool or whatever, couldn't he just say "Hey, don't talk to me like that, you're being too bossy". Instead of being sarcastic. And I recoiled from that look, and he doesn't get why it hurt me, and instead laid the blame at my feet saying "oh it was JUST a look. If you weren't bossy, I would have never said that".
Granted I probably shoudln't have been bossy, but we were in a hurry, and it wasn't personal.
It's like he thinks I'm out to get him or something!

Wow Rosa, thanks for the detail!

Sounds to me like he is very selfish, very similar to my recent ex whom is also ADD. She was almost identical to the way you describe yours.

I think that people like you and I who give, give & give with people like this, just end up getting taken for granted. I was the one though who ended it because of similar reasons you state. Someone asked me recently when I was feeling down though "Why would you want to go back to someone who's still just going to treat you like SH_T?" That sunk in & that's what I remind myself when I am down about her.

You need to ask yourself the same question when you start feeling down about him. Just remember, you will one day & I promise this, think back about his behaviours and wonder why the F-ck you ever put up with it for so long! You will get over this and eventually be with someone WAY BETTER who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve!

April 26, 2011

Scorpio:

I looked back at my post and oh my it's sooo long! Mental diarrhea!

Yeah it is hard to date someone with ADD. It would be different if they acknowledge it and just go with it and not be defensive. But I find that when I point something out to him, he gets SO defensive about it, even though he knows he was wrong. It's ok to make mistakes. I goof up on a regular basis too and I own it. So what?

The painful thing I'm dealing with now is that I wish he was not so angry about things when I pointed it out to him....it's not like he got horrible and angry all the time, but he got defensive and I feel like it prolonged the arguments. I'm sure I played a part too. But I worked on myself quite abit a learned to be patient, learned a different way of looking at things. He has ADD, and is off medication, which is fine, but never worked on himself. So when I pointed things out to him, he gets mad at me. Even when he was giving me the breakup speech, he says things like "that's just how I am".

I never asked him to change or anything, i just wanted him to learn about his habits and improve them.

*sigh

And then when things got better, he just drops it. Because he is afraid of what the next argument is going to be about...even though we've gotten better at resolving things.

April 26, 2011

Scorpio:
I looked back at my post and oh my it's sooo long! Mental diarrhea!

Yeah it is hard to date someone with ADD. It would be different if they acknowledge it and just go with it and not be defensive. But I find that when I point something out to him, he gets SO defensive about it, even though he knows he was wrong. It's ok to make mistakes. I goof up on a regular basis too and I own it. So what?
The painful thing I'm dealing with now is that I wish he was not so angry about things when I pointed it out to him....it's not like he got horrible and angry all the time, but he got defensive and I feel like it prolonged the arguments. I'm sure I played a part too. But I worked on myself quite abit a learned to be patient, learned a different way of looking at things. He has ADD, and is off medication, which is fine, but never worked on himself. So when I pointed things out to him, he gets mad at me. Even when he was giving me the breakup speech, he says things like "that's just how I am".
I never asked him to change or anything, i just wanted him to learn about his habits and improve them.

*sigh
And then when things got better, he just drops it. Because he is afraid of what the next argument is going to be about...even though we've gotten better at resolving things.

I know what you mean, when my ex would not return or call when she said she would, I would bring it up the next day & she'd say 'But you know I forget things', like I was just supposed to forget it myself. She would talk with random men(boys) on the internet every day & just expected me to accept it, even though there was sex talk involved.. She just didn't get it..sigh... They didn't deserve us.

April 26, 2011

omg, she did that? Really? Geez, sorry dude.

My ex was scatter brained but I know he didn't do things on purpose. he was just selfish and clueless at times, but not blatantly horrible like that. He never had "sex talks" with girls online.

Although, I did come home early one day and found him masturbating to porn. After he had said he couldn't join me and my friends for dinner downtown because he had "too much work to do"

Hmm. :-/

April 26, 2011

omg, she did that? Really? Geez, sorry dude.
My ex was scatter brained but I know he didn't do things on purpose. he was just selfish and clueless at times, but not blatantly horrible like that. He never had "sex talks" with girls online.

Although, I did come home early one day and found him masturbating to porn. After he had said he couldn't join me and my friends for dinner downtown because he had "too much work to do"

Hmm. :-/

She was very scatter brained too, very difficult to have a phone conversation without her interrupting & then my having to repeat myself over & over. Or her just abruply saying she has to go when I'm in the middle of saying something. Like your ex, she seemed to steer away from important conversation. I found that she would white lie about little things, including her online activities.

If you like, you can read about my experience here, I just never talked about her ADD.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t270633/

Soo sad really..

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Apathy towards relationship, but still cares about me? What?

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