xpaperxcutx Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 (edited) At the current stage in my relationship, I feel like my gf and I have reached a standstill. We have far too many downs than ups and communications have broken down ( most of which is my fault). I'm very prone to withdrawing into myself; inadvertently lashing out by playing the passive aggressive role. Due my personal issues, I have repeatedly disappeared on her which all led to a confrontation two weeks ago when she had a " talk" with me- either I clean up my act or I risk losing her. It was not so much an ultimatum so much as an admonishment of my behaviour, but it stung nonetheless to be called out on. I know I have my faults but it also made me realize that being in a relationship with her has been suffocating. She can be extremely outspoken always to the point where she will call out things she doesn't like, and much of her displeasure has been directed at me. I do try to avoid upsetting her, doing things to her liking but everything has made me feel like I'm walking on eggshells. In addition, I feel underappreciated or valued by her. I understand that she has to juggle job and schoolwork at the same time, but even when we're together, her attention is so divided that I'm always left to fend for myself ( ie. she always has to finish her work before she actually turns away from her computer to look at me). I hate to say I'm whining here because I'm not, and neither do I want to fight her school and work for 1st place. However, I don't feel like this relationship is going anywhere at this rate and being that I do have personal issues of my own, do you think I'm being too selfish for doing this? It isn't that we're incompatible, we're like identical twins ( in terms of compatibility) borne to different parents, but sometime during the relationship, so much resentment has build up that tainted my feelings for her. On a sidenote, I also feel like I don't really know what I want and I feel like being a in relationship right now only holds me back. As I've said, I have personal ( medical) issues and I'm too stressed to want to worry about making other people happy when I myself, am not. Edited April 24, 2011 by xpaperxcutx
fishtaco Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 I tend to be passive aggressive too. And I try really hard not to be that way. I can tell you now, 100% of the time, it makes the situation worse. The issue here is how much is your commitment? If you are committed, then you should try to work out the problems, especially since you know you are at least partially at fault here. And you should tell her you don't like her way of letting you know. So both of you try and meet each other in the middle. She gives you time to get your act together, you give her time to change to use "softer" means of letting you know these things. If you're not committed, then it's time to bail. This is definitely an incompatibility, and when it comes to compatibility, there's no right or wrong. One that likes to punch is compatible with one that likes to get punched. They are compatible. But only you know the best of how committed you should be. And that's a hard question to answer. I've bailed on women many times before. Sometimes it was the right choice, sometimes, it was not. And in fact I may have bailed on "the one", and that's a regret I'll have for the rest of my life. So good luck to you in deciding what to do. Hope you make the right choice.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted April 25, 2011 Author Posted April 25, 2011 I agree. Go for it. Taramaiden as much as I love reading your posts, it unsettles me that you didn't feel a need to at least give me a lecture or some tough love to spur me on. I tend to be passive aggressive too. And I try really hard not to be that way. I can tell you now, 100% of the time, it makes the situation worse. The issue here is how much is your commitment? If you are committed, then you should try to work out the problems, especially since you know you are at least partially at fault here. And you should tell her you don't like her way of letting you know. So both of you try and meet each other in the middle. She gives you time to get your act together, you give her time to change to use "softer" means of letting you know these things. If you're not committed, then it's time to bail. This is definitely an incompatibility, and when it comes to compatibility, there's no right or wrong. One that likes to punch is compatible with one that likes to get punched. They are compatible. But only you know the best of how committed you should be. And that's a hard question to answer. I've bailed on women many times before. Sometimes it was the right choice, sometimes, it was not. And in fact I may have bailed on "the one", and that's a regret I'll have for the rest of my life. So good luck to you in deciding what to do. Hope you make the right choice. I never thought about it that way. I don't know how committed I am because sometimes I feel like this relationship has been a burden on me. Alot of things have gotten in our way- her job, school, my issues,etc. it's gotten immensely hard to focus on developing and deepening the relationship. I don't want to bail on her but I also know I'm being unfair towards her feelings. If we can take a break and let each other focus on our own personal things for a while, maybe we can slowly rebuild what we once had. I'm just really cowardly when it comes to confrontational and I really do not know how to go about letting her know about how I feel. I
TaraMaiden Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 Oooooh....didja all see what "little miss spammer" did there....?
TaraMaiden Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 Taramaiden as much as I love reading your posts, it unsettles me that you didn't feel a need to at least give me a lecture or some tough love to spur me on. I unreservedly apologise. Little bit of sarcasm there. You have your post carefully mapped out, and you recognise the factors in your personality, which contribute to the negative aspects of your relationship. You know precisely what the issue is, and you even name the passive-aggressive streak in you. So you know what the deal is. Yet you're still prepared to walk away, rather than recognise and be alert for the triggers, confront the issue, and implement the remedy. Permit me to digress, and tell you a little story (Threadjacking is not my intention here, so just read it for understanding): I had to do this for 4 years. 4 long, stressful, intense, lonely, anxious years. My partner was extremely focused, single-minded and determined. He was taking a Law degree at university, which actually, should have taken 3 years. In his third (and supposedly last) year, on the very first day of his final exams - he fell and broke his right wrist. He is right-handed. He had 4 exams to sit. He only managed 2. The pain and swelling was so intense, he couldn't even grip a pen. he was advised by the University Lecturers and authorities that even with just 2 exams under his belt, accumulating all his coursework marks and the pass level he had achieved with his 18,000 word dissertation, he had actually achieved his degree. he had passed. he had enough to qualify as a University graduate. However, it wouldn't be a top degree. It would be a second class. Well, we discussed it, and agonised and thought about it long and hard, and we came to the conclusion that a second class degree wasn't good enough. So he sat the extra year, furthered his studies in the 2 subjects he'd missed out taking the exams on - and last November, proudly accepted his University degree - 1st Class honours in Law. Out of nearly 1000 pupils, he was in the elite and distinguished group of only 6 students who achieved that level. During these 4 years, I was the sole financial support and money earner. My salary isn't bad, but it can't single-handedly sustain 2 people, and over the 4 years we suffered dreadfully financially. There were days when we couldn't eat, because we had no spare money for food, and had no car to go anywhere. The kindness and goodness of a few friends helped, but it was a bleak, trying, burdensome, stressful soul-destroying and distressing 4 years. But it was worth it. I'm not sure I would do it all again, because it easily counts as one of the hardest things I've ever been through. But my partner now has a job - and his degree helped get him that job. It's not in the sphere of Law, but it's an extremely useful skill and ability to have, and it has opened doors for him. It's a lucrative job, with a good salary. So it's all paying off. Basically, what I'm telling you is that, I definitely took second place, during that time. I had to take a back seat and accept that I wasn't the priority. BUT - that didn't mean I wasn't important. I know for an absolute fact, that without me, he could never have done what he did. My support for him is what enabled him, and kept him going. I had to lay aside my own needs, in order to ensure his focus didn't waver. So yes - you do need to be patient. It sounds as if your GFl is dedicated, determined and studious. You should really admire that, and support it. It may get her far and boost her success, and make her spring ahead of others by leaps and bounds. Being Important to somebody doesn't mean you'll always be their priority. But she needs to rely on your ability to understand that only effort gains the prize. While she is focussed on her studies, it's unfair to want to be the distraction that demands first place. Her studies will chart her future. It's up to you whether you want to help her, support her, and be part of that future. Or not. You know what your flaws are. If you feel you can bite the bullet, modify your behaviour and pull with her instead of against her, then there's every chance for this to work. You can't fix her. But you can fix yourself. Is she worth it? More's to the point - are you worth it to yourself?
threebyfate Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 so much resentment has build up that tainted my feelings for her.On a sidenote, I also feel like I don't really know what I want and I feel like being a in relationship right now only holds me back.As I've said, I have personal ( medical) issues and I'm too stressed to want to worry about making other people happy when I myself, am not. Three very key points. It's over xpaper. There's not enough left inside of you to make this work. Until you get your head and heart together, perhaps a relationship isn't a good idea.
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