tell-me-more Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 I'll keep this as brief as I can...! I dated this ex almost 10 years ago. We stayed on reasonable terms and kept in touch from time to time. She now has two children and has no contact with their father. She has a current "boyfriend" She got in touch recently regarding their guardianship should anything happen to her. She's asked me to play "daddy" should she exit this world. I'm not looking for legal or moral advice, that I can take care of... But two things spring to mind bearing in mind the nature of the request 1. If she trusts and values me that much, shouldn't we date again ( I could be tempted! ). Could she be angling for that? 2. The current boyfriend can't be up to much or she'd ask him. Right? What do you all think?
poorguy Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 I'm going to have to go with the -you were the one who got away on this one. Any woman who would ask someone to parent their children god forbid something should happen, holds you in the highest regard. It could be that it's a reason to contact you to segway into something else too. If so that's a new one and may I add a creative one at that! I have an ex that I was engaged to maybe six years ago who's now married with a child. Her husband is a great guy and they have a beautiful little son. Anyway she told me about a year ago that I was prohibated, by her, to ever get married. I was at a party at their house one night when she told me this. The reason for it was because God forbid something should happen to her husband that she and her son would be at my door to start over again and live happily ever after lol. It was funny when and how she said it. Bottom line is she holds me in a high regard. As do I her. So that's what I think she was really saying
Trovador Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 She thinks you don't have a life of your own and that you, sir, would make a perfect "godfather"...
Hhhh Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 You have been around for ten years, she probably doesn't have anyone else to ask.
betterdeal Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 Take it at face value. Are you happy to be this child's godfather?
Jdw_Icequeen Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 I'm going to have to go with the -you were the one who got away on this one. Any woman who would ask someone to parent their children god forbid something should happen, holds you in the highest regard. It could be that it's a reason to contact you to segway into something else too. If so that's a new one and may I add a creative one at that! I have an ex that I was engaged to maybe six years ago who's now married with a child. Her husband is a great guy and they have a beautiful little son. Anyway she told me about a year ago that I was prohibated, by her, to ever get married. I was at a party at their house one night when she told me this. The reason for it was because God forbid something should happen to her husband that she and her son would be at my door to start over again and live happily ever after lol. It was funny when and how she said it. Bottom line is she holds me in a high regard. As do I her. So that's what I think she was really saying I completley agree with this.. She obviously really likes you to trust you with such a position of honor.. Obviously children are very precious.. As for you 2 dating again.. Who knows right? Dosen't sound like her and this boyfriend are serious if she is asking you..
Author tell-me-more Posted April 25, 2011 Author Posted April 25, 2011 Thanks for the replies. Not entirely sure this is a good idea. That said her children are truly first class. I can only see problems coming from this ( bearing in mind I'm not in their company that often as it is ) The scenario is unlikely anyhow, but I can understand her concerns as a single mum. Big red flag, however, is her current guy. They've been dating one year and he can't exactly be "the one" or she wouldn't turn to me on such a serious issue..... I'll contact her and she if she's free to meet for a coffee and talk to her! Thanks again
JasonRules Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 I'll keep this as brief as I can...! I dated this ex almost 10 years ago. We stayed on reasonable terms and kept in touch from time to time. She now has two children and has no contact with their father. She has a current "boyfriend" She got in touch recently regarding their guardianship should anything happen to her. She's asked me to play "daddy" should she exit this world. I'm not looking for legal or moral advice, that I can take care of... But two things spring to mind bearing in mind the nature of the request 1. If she trusts and values me that much, shouldn't we date again ( I could be tempted! ). Could she be angling for that? 2. The current boyfriend can't be up to much or she'd ask him. Right? What do you all think? Always nice to hear that you're someone's backup plan. She's right. You should never marry or get in a meaningful relationship. You should keep your life on hold. She's not "angling" for you to date again. If she were, she's just ask you out on a date. As for your second question; the current boyfriend is probably good just for companionship/sex, but nothing long term.
Author tell-me-more Posted June 18, 2011 Author Posted June 18, 2011 Hi there. I hate reviving old posts but I'm still trying to fathom out my ex. We've met up for meals/coffee in Feb, March and April. Last time was to see if I'd act as guardian for her son. I haven't contacted her in 3 months and thought it would peter out. But I got a voicemail yesterday saying "hi, I was just passing your house and saw your car was there, I was hoping I could see you for a coffee and a use good chat"....She mentioned that her son asked for me. I left a message saying that I was a bit busy. Anyway, last night and this morning we've been swapping mundane nothingness texts... Meanwhile, pretty sure she's still dating. So why am I missing the point! Is she hooking me in? Just being friends? This guy she's seeing can't be up to much if she wants to see me for a chat. Advice please!
betterdeal Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 (edited) My guess is she is putting out tentative feelers to see if you and her could become something more. She likes you (hence the contact) and you like her (hence the contact). As a mother, she will want to know if you will accept her children as your own. She has to care for her and her children. So, back to you: can you see yourself being their father, taking them in as your own? You don't know the other guy, do you? So that's one complication down. Is she financially secure? What's her general lifestyle like? You said her children are first class, so apparently she's a stable, good mother. Is she good enough to be your partner? What do you want out of this? ("I don't know" is a perfectly acceptable answer) Edited June 18, 2011 by betterdeal
Author tell-me-more Posted June 18, 2011 Author Posted June 18, 2011 Betterdeal Her kids are fantastic and I'd play daddy in an instant. Its my ex that can be a stubborn cow! However I do still have feelings for her, even after all these years. Just trying to decipher why she's in contact after 3 months of nothing. I still reckon her current boyfriend isn't stepping up to the plate. Thanks for your feedback
betterdeal Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 Of course she's interested in you - she has eyes, right?!? My advice is to stop deciphering and start enjoying. That doesn't mean you have to jump in feet first straight away (and it doesn't mean you have to been tentative either). Just be everything you are and aware of everything you are: be aware of your feelings, your bodily reactions, your senses, and use your mind as a tool, just like any other muscle. Rest it occasionally. If you know your boundaries, what you will and won't accept, what is negotiable, you're fine. If you still want to know more explicitly what she wants, ask her. Why did you guys split up in the first place? What's changed in you since then? How will you handle things differently? Especially things that led to you splitting up last time?
Author tell-me-more Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 Was on holiday, sorry for the delay in posting. Betterdeal - we dated in 2003 but things went wrong as my ex lost a close friend and wasn't dialled into a relationship. Latest is that on Wed my ex contacted me re taking her son to the movies. I texted and asked why her current bf wasn't taking him. Reply is that he doesn't have much to do with her kids. I asked to meet in town and find out what was going on. Her 3 year old girl sat on my lap and fell asleep, the young girl then took my hand and we headed for a walk in town ( I'm not a parent but I found it strange a kid would do that! My thoughts were that she isn't getting enough male attention at home ) Anyway, I phoned her later and kinda let rip. Said that her current bf wasn't up to much etc to which she agreed. I went through her for over an hour with good old home truths etc none of which she denied. I asked her if she wanted to try again but she launched in to how much she wants me as a friend. I eventually asked her to stop contacting me as she seems to be cherry picking the good bits from me to help patch up her own mediocre r'ship! Was I too hard on her? Or am I right to bale seeing as she won't give me a commitment?
betterdeal Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 I know this sounds maddeningly trite, but only you can know if you're said the right thing. From what you have written, I think you don't want what she wants and you have confronted this issue candidly and openly with her. Personally, I have taken a similar position in the past, and admire your honesty with her, but foremost with yourself. Try not to decipher too much or get too wound up. Keep your boundaries clear. A friend is someone you have a drink with, tell jokes with, play football with, maybe hug when you greet and, very occasionally, lean on or lend a hand to. It is, essentially and for the most part, quite a superficial relationship (and there's nothing wrong with superficial). If she wants you to do things that go beyond that, and that make you uncomfortable, you don't have to do those things - just say so. You can even say what you do want to do. Something along these lines might be worth considering: "I like you but I don't like to be close to a woman whose in a relationship with someone else. It makes me feel like a third leg / second fiddle / emotional punch-bag and it doesn't work for me. I like the children, and they like me, and you like me. We could be something. When you finish your business with [iNSERT PRICK'S NAME HERE], give me a call."
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