LarsenB Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 Here's the synopsis: A co-worker and I have become close friends over the last year. I'm 27, single, and she's 35 with a LT boyfriend. Over the last year, she's only mentioned him to me once, and that was only to tell me that she knows he's not the one, she's not in love, but she's just comfortable (BTW, she has major self-confidence/esteem issues, as well as self-proclaimed commitment issues; she's absolutely gorgeous, highly intelligent, self-motivated ... guys hit on her daily ... while her boyfriend is an overweight, self-absorbed, selfish, lazy sack of hammers). Since we've gotten closer, I've become more attracted to her, and she to me. We've never talked directly about our feelings, but she can tell I like her, and I'm 100% sure she likes me, as well; however, age differences, us working together, and she having a boyfriend have all been unspoken, yet understood barriers to anything progressing further. I could list all of the reasons as to why I'm sure she likes me, but for the sake of a list, I'll just say this: it takes a LOT for me to think a woman likes me, much less to be 100% sure of it. Anyway, this is where it really gets confusing: about three months ago, a mutual friend of ours told my friend that I have a thing for her (as if she didn't already know). My friend's response was "I know, I like him too. He's so young and we work together ... I just can't. He and I wouldn't have a chance." After this conversation, she started getting closer and closer to me: flirting constantly, texting constantly, texting until we went to bed on a daily basis, etc. This lasted for about two weeks, then just one day ... nothing. She went totally cold on me. Wouldn't speak to me and would go out of her way to avoid me at work. Yet, when our paths would inevitably cross, she would smile and wave at me. Every now and then, she would approach me, only to initiate a short and rude conversation. One conversation (in which she made the effort to stop by my desk) went like this: Her: Hi there. Me: Hi, how are you? Her: Great. Bye. I came to find out through our mutual friend that she was acting this way because "I was getting too close to her", and she had to put a stop to it ... even though she was the one that was getting closer to me. Anyway, this behavior went on for a month, and I pretended like everything was fine. I was friendly, but never went out of my way to talk to her, nor did I ever ask why she went cold on me. I gave her her space and figured that if she valued our friendship, she would come back around eventually, as long as I remained friendly. Well, about two weeks ago, she finally came back around. We've begun talking again (still no texting), and she's very slowly starting to get back to her normal self. Neither of us have brought up anything as to why she stopped talking to me. I have a hunch as to why this all happened, though (other than the possibility of her being crazy), and I want to see what you all think: (Enters the drama-ridden facebook) She and her boyfriend have best friends (a married couple) in LA. This married couple is the reason my friend and her bf met/got together several years ago. Anyway, my friend and her bf go to this couple's house for vacation several times a year, and it's just the four of them. Every time my friend goes, her bf goes with her. My friend doesn't have facebook, but the couple from LA does, and I am friends with them, so I can see the pics they post. There is one album in particular dedicated to these vacations, and the pics have been up for a couple of years now. There are about 20 pics total, and there were four or five pics in particular of JUST my friend and her bf. The pics made it obvious that they were a couple ... one of them was even titled "The happy couple." Well, my friend went to this couple's house again for vacation right when all of this mess with she and I started ... and her bf didn't go with her. So I get on facebook one day while she's gone and see in the feed that changes have been made to this photo album. When I check it out, much to my surprise, all of the same pics are still up ... except the ones of just my friend and her bf. They've been deleted ... which leads me to believe she and her bf are no longer together. Am I crazy for assuming this? So here's my theory: I think she distanced herself from me, not because I was getting too close to her, but because she felt she was getting too close to me. She's told me before that she has trust/commitment issues with men because she's been burned so many times in the past. I think she and her bf were having trouble, then they broke up, and she felt vulnerable and scared of something maybe happening between she and I, so she backed off completely. Or maybe he found out about our close friendship and that's the reason they broke up, so she distanced herself from me. Agree? Disagree? Any ideas?
mo mo Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 The solution to this problem is simple. You guys are talking again so this should be very easy. "How's your boyfriend doing? You haven't mentioned him in a while" I could say some other stuff about what you posted but the fact of the matter is you and I are just guessing. You need some kind of confirmation before moving forward (and we both know that's exactly what you want to do).
johan Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 She's taken. She's a coworker. She has come right out and said why things couldn't work between you. She cut off communication when she felt things were getting too close. Whether she's crazy or scared hardly seems important.
Professor X Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 The solution to this problem is simple. You guys are talking again so this should be very easy. "How's your boyfriend doing? You haven't mentioned him in a while" I could say some other stuff about what you posted but the fact of the matter is you and I are just guessing. You need some kind of confirmation before moving forward (and we both know that's exactly what you want to do). +1 Stop playing the detective and just ask.
Author LarsenB Posted April 24, 2011 Author Posted April 24, 2011 I totally agree, I think the easiest and best approach would be to ask her about him; however, I've brought him up twice in the past, just to see how she would respond. Both times, she pretty much brushed it off and changed the subject. The thing that gets me is that she has no trouble talking about him to other people, even other men. But with me, she shies away from the subject. It's like she's embarrassed of him, but only when talking to me. Plus, if they have broken up, what if it's still a sensitive topic to her?
mo mo Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 I totally agree, I think the easiest and best approach would be to ask her about him; however, I've brought him up twice in the past, just to see how she would respond. Both times, she pretty much brushed it off and changed the subject. The thing that gets me is that she has no trouble talking about him to other people, even other men. But with me, she shies away from the subject. It's like she's embarrassed of him, but only when talking to me. Plus, if they have broken up, what if it's still a sensitive topic to her? MAN UP that should solve it
Author LarsenB Posted April 25, 2011 Author Posted April 25, 2011 MAN UP that should solve it Haha, alrighty then. I'm predicting a change of subject, but I'll go for it. Or, be on the lookout for a thread titled "I made my friend cry -- what to do now?"
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