What do you do to stay NC? Post here! :-)

[26pointblue]

I have really been trying to use this break-up with xMM as a time of re-growth & focus, which seems particularly appropriate with it being Easter [i just posted another thread about my thoughts regarding NC on Easter]. I was wondering what those of you in NC do to stay focused on yourself & resist the urge to contact xMM? I am hoping we can share some motivation.

 

Here is a list of some of the things I'm doing to concentrate on me & not xMM, & so to gain a rebirth/revitalization of myself:

 

Things I'm Actively Doing:

 

- I try to run & work out every day to de-stress. My sis & I just signed up for the full [i was thinking half but she convinced me to do the full ] Nike Women's Marathon in San Fransisco in October [around her birthday]. We have six months to train & our goal is to get into the best shape of our lives!

 

- I'm focusing on being more dedicated to my job & career, not for my boss or salary's sake but for my own sake. I've come up with a plan to go out into business on my own within a couple years & I'm using this time to gain experience & knowledge & a good business reputation [which doesn't include being xMM's OW as he is also in my field!]. At one point through all of this I was so depressed & wanted to get away from xMM that I was considering a total career change, just giving it all up. Luckily more recently [even before I went NC, but especially now] I've gained a new passion for my field & I have started to value the education & hard work that has gotten me here. I think I have found my niche & I have my own goals & plan instead of just going through the motions of doing whatever my bosses want. [i do get along great with my boss & appreciate her. :-) But I just mean I am doing this for only me, no one else. ]This may be a bit off-topic but I have been thinking that one of the reasons I got with xMM was that I was insecure/unsure in my career & I admired his success in it, I wanted to be like him & learn from him. But instead I learned there's no secret to success except hard work & dedication & that comes from within & must be learned on my own, not from dating xMM or any other way.

 

- I'm downsizing my life & clearing out unnecessary clutter/possessions. I have always been quite the pack rat & I think it was my way of finding security/comfort in the wrong places. For some reason just taking bags of stuff to the trash dumpster or to Goodwill makes me feel totally new & invigorated! I'm also planning to sell some of my nicer stuff on eBay & make some extra cash.

 

Things I Want/Plan to Do or Things I 'Think About' Rather than 'Do':

 

- I would like to join some kind of secular 'church' or group of people with similar values to me so that I can have a support network & live according to my morals. I would also like to meditate or think about what is important to me every day & aim to be true to myself. Another LS member recommended I read the book 'The Power of Now' & I plan to do that. I have always been an anxious perfectionist yet procrastinator, who wants everything right & right now, but who rarely stops to appreciate what I really have right now & to be patient & accepting. So I'm going to work on that goal.

 

- I would like to get Rosetta Stone & really brush up on my Spanish. I used to be completely fluent but so much time has passed since I've lived overseas that I've really let it slide. I think that re-learning it will help with my eventual career goals because I live in an area with many Spanish speakers, I also like to travel & it would obviously come in handy for that, & I just want to re-gain that feeling of being comfortable conversing in another language.

 

- I am making it a point to be grateful & appreciate of the people in my life. At the same time, I am trying to celebrate being alone. Maybe that sounds crazy so let me try to explain. For awhile I felt miserably depressed being without xMM, & I didn't know what to do with myself all alone. It was all made worse by the fact that my beloved dog was hit by a car & had surgery & is trying to recover. It is so hard to take care of her on my own & for the past couple days I've been sitting around crying about my dog & about xMM at times & wishing I had him [or anyone really] here in a relationship with me to be able to help me & help my poor dog. :-( Well today I decided, enough of that. I am strong & I can do it on my own, I don't need xMM. It's just me & my dog & that's how it should be. And I do have people who care about me/her & I have been reaching out to them for their comfort & support. So hopefully whenever things get hard & I feel lonely I can continue to remember that I'm strong & self-reliant, & that I should make use of all the people in my life who love me for me & who are really here for me unconditionally.

 

- On that note, & I've mentioned this elsewhere, but, whenever I miss xMM I just tell myself that he couldn't give me what I want, need & deserve, & so I need to leave that relationship behind because I deserve better. I think that being sad & lonely is much better than hoping he has time to see me or call me, or wondering what is really going on with him, or if he's telling me the truth, etc. [He wasn't, it was all a lie- I found out on my own & also from a phone call his wife made to me . . . nothing I hadn't already known/suspected but things he totally lied about. I do believe he loved me but other than that it was all built on a lie & I deserve something built on the truth & respect. I'm so glad I no longer have that crazy feeling of knowing in my gut that he is not giving me the real or whole story but not being able to verify it or find out what's really going on.] I would rather be alone than in a 'relationship' like that.

 

----------------------------------------

 

Thanks for listening & please share your own tips, tricks, goals, thoughts, etc. on getting over xMM & staying NC. Good luck to everyone.

[cerridwen]

This thread deserves a bump.

I've found that setting goals was instrumental in helping me maintain NC.

My relationship didn't involve a married man but the ideas of change and growth are the same.

[nlpman]

Hi,

"The Power Of Now" has to be in my opinion one of the greatest books ever written.

Recently on a trip to New Zealand whilst visiting a wilderness Marae(maori Camp) in search of Maori knowledge the first thing the head of the Marae asked us was had we read the power of now?

Also check Eckhart Tolle on Youtube you can feel the vibrations of enlightenment coming frm him.

Ehen you have completed Power of Now, its worth buying "practicing the power of now" as it helps you to use the techniques in your daily life.

Good luck with your plans.

[26pointblue]

This thread deserves a bump.

I've found that setting goals was instrumental in helping me maintain NC.

My relationship didn't involve a married man but the ideas of change and growth are the same.

 

Thank you Cerridwen. I have moments of empowerment & strength, & moments of depression & weakness. When I feel down I try to remember my goals, think positively & be proud of myself for doing something so hard. So yes the goals & self-motivation are very important. I'm glad they've helped you & I hope they continue to help me. :-)

[26pointblue]

Hi,

"The Power Of Now" has to be in my opinion one of the greatest books ever written.

Recently on a trip to New Zealand whilst visiting a wilderness Marae(maori Camp) in search of Maori knowledge the first thing the head of the Marae asked us was had we read the power of now?

Also check Eckhart Tolle on Youtube you can feel the vibrations of enlightenment coming frm him.

Ehen you have completed Power of Now, its worth buying "practicing the power of now" as it helps you to use the techniques in your daily life.

Good luck with your plans.

 

Thank you for the follow-up recommendation. It sounds very helpful & I can't wait to start reading it. I found it for only $5.00 on the Kindle. :-) It's just that I haven't had time yet to start it . . . which I guess is a good thing since it means I'm keeping myself busy/preoccupied.

[Carrot2000]

Good for you, 26PB! I think you'll find a real sense of peace and joy once you get back in touch with yourself. Enjoy the journey!

 

:bunny:

[26pointblue]

Good for you, 26PB! I think you'll find a real sense of peace and joy once you get back in touch with yourself. Enjoy the journey!

 

:bunny:

 

Thanks, Carrot. Yesterday I started my marathon training plan & this morning I went for another run. It does feel good to focus on myself & my own goals.

 

I have been debating for some time now whether to move into a cheaper place. I keep trying to extend my lease month-to-month & now my landlord is saying he will raise the rent starting in June & wants a new lease signed by September. I know it sounds horribly stupid & naive, but one reason I was delaying is that xMM kept talking about moving in with me temporarily, or renting or buying his own place that his kids could come to & then I could move in once they had adjusted etc. My plans changed with his- like the wind.

 

I'm kind of off on a tangent here but bear with me. It's like whenever his wife got fed up & threatened to or did kick him out, he'd come over to my place & ask if he could stay, or he'd call me up & ask if I'd be willing for him to come stay with me, etc. I would tell him I don't think that's a good idea due to his children- they need for him to get a place where it's just him & them when they come over, with no obvious reminders of me even though they or at least his daughter knows about me. So then he would say I was right, & plus he could never live in my place anyway [he would always put it down because he has a McMansion but I have a very nice townhome in a desirable area of town - the same location as his although the exact area in that part of town that I live in would be considered the Park Place to his Boardwalk . . . but I have a lot of space for one or even two people & all the amenities anyone would want, including a yard where land is scarce in this area, & a garage w/ storage but he would claim I didn't have enough room for his stuff so he had to take it to his relative's house, & later changed it to keeping his stuff at his house which was code for moving back in, etc . . . anyway I never liked how he would subtly put down my place & I'm glad I don't have to deal with that anymore], & that he would just stay with me long enough to find his own place & then it would be our place after awhile, etc., & he would ask me if I could really do this, could really jump with him & live with him eventually & handle it all, & I would say yes, & he would say okay he's ready. Then things would blow over with the wife & he'd forget all about these plans he'd told me about. He expected me to just act like he never said them! And if I reminded him that he had just said last night that he was ready to leave, he would say things like, 'well it's not a good idea to live with you, you're right,' & when I said 'I know but you were talking about buying a place for us to eventually live in together, & anyway the concept I'm talking about is not us living together when or where, but the fact that you asked me if I was ready to do this with you & I said yes & you said you were doing it, & there was such urgency in your voice, & now you're back to the status quo with no sign of change,' & he would try to placate me like I'm dumb & say 'I am ready to leave, I've decided, it'll just take time is all," so then I'd get angry & say, 'whatever, you just wanted to make sure I'd take you when you thought your wife was at the end of her rope, but now that she has a little more tug, you don't want to be with me, you were just using me.' He would get angry & defensive & say that wasn't true & his wife doesn't call the shots.

 

Wow, I guess I have some anger at him! Anyway my whole point is that one day he would tell me to rent a small cheap place because I'd usually be at his new place all the time except for when his kids came over, & other times he'd tell me to stay put in case he needed to move in, & other times he'd say we would just get a new place of our own right away . . . he was all over the place & I allowed myself to go this way & that way with him. It was a disaster.

 

So now that I am done with him I am in the process of deciding where I really want to live for myself [& pets . . . which complicate things b/c what I would really like is to get a much smaller place & save money], & I have definitely decided that what I'm going to do, it involves moving. It will feel really good to live somewhere where xMM doesn't know I live. He used to act like my house was his when it was convenenient - he'd just walk right in without calling in advance or knocking or anything. Which I didn't mind because I wanted us to be together, but then the times that he couldn't see me I was there thinking, hrmph, so much for making himself at home. I was also thinking about how during this whole entire chaotic situation - I moved to this place kind of in the beginning of my A with xMM], I never decorated or even really unpacked or made myself at home in this place. It's like it was all very temporary & up in the air & chaotic. And it is very much tied to xMM & has the negative connotation in my mind of being our 'loveshack' or whatever. So I'm going to just start all over & get a new place he doesn't know about it & actually decorate it nice. Although hopefully it will cheaper because I'm trying to save money to start my own business in a couple of years. I can only imagine what xMM would have to say about a cheaper place if he thinks mine - which is actually quite costly in rent - is so beneath his standards. But I'm going to try not to think about what he would think & just think about what I myself want, which is right now to downsize, to rebuild my life, & to find my reset button for a new start!

 

So I'm in the process of apartment/house hunting & de-cluttering my possessions so that I can easily move. It's empowering to take charge of my own life & I don't know why I left so much up to him for so long, especially when he wasn't ever moving in any one direction. At the same time, as I try to move forward, I end up looking back & starting to have anger, sadness, & regret, & I don't like that! I want to remain positive but maybe I was fooling myself that there was anything positive about this situation. Yeah, we loved each other madly [probably too madly], but at what cost? I had nothing good in my life except that feeling of love for him, or actually what I mean is that the rollercoaster of being with him obscured anything else that was good in my life, & so I don't know if that can really be love, although I do know it was an amazing feeling.

 

That is where I'm at today & I'm just trying to stay focused on my goals & move forward. At times I do feel a new sense of peace & joy & I hope I can continue feeling that as I move ahead. Thank you for your support Carrot.

[Carrot2000]

Years ago, I had to move to a different city to get away from my ex-was married but now divorced-man. I had to go where he couldn't find me...and where I couldn't find him! I hated my new city, but it was probably the smartest thing I ever did. I wouldn't have the life I have now if I hadn't made the choice to free myself from him once and for all.

 

Good luck in your apartment search; it's actually kind of exciting. New home, new neighborhood, new you!

[26pointblue]

Years ago, I had to move to a different city to get away from my ex-was married but now divorced-man. I had to go where he couldn't find me...and where I couldn't find him! I hated my new city, but it was probably the smartest thing I ever did. I wouldn't have the life I have now if I hadn't made the choice to free myself from him once and for all.

 

Good luck in your apartment search; it's actually kind of exciting. New home, new neighborhood, new you!

 

It's funny that you say that because one reason my life has been so in flux & my living conditions have felt so temporary is that I was seriously, seriously considering totally moving away. I have no family here, just my career, & I was really unhappy in my career but I couldn't figure out if it was just because I was unhappy in general, or unhappy due to my relationship with MM, or whatever. I couldn't concentrate at work & I never really enjoyed my career & I was considering just changing everything! But then I kept thinking . . . if I run away from my problems, won't they just catch up with me, maybe in new or different forms, whereever I go?

 

I do think it would feel great to start over & it's nice to know it worked well for you [because I may still need to do that, I'm not sure.] At some point I decided that I needed to love my life as it is right here & now. Ironically that's about the same time I got back with xMM & I was happy as his OW. In a weird way I was working on myself, on loving myself & my life & not needing him but also being grateful for what I had with him & accepting it for what it was. In that time things started to go very well for me at work & I started to value it more & not want to give it up, especially just because of xMM.

 

Well now I'm kind of at a loss again because circumstances changed [i knew they would- I knew my time period of being a happy OW would be very short-lived] & it's very hard. xMM is in my industry & it's a pretty small field here & I just always worry that I will run into him or someone who knows him or about us etc. It's very hard to start over without him & stay here. But still I don't want to give up my career because of him. Or at least I don't think I do & I think I need time to figure that out. I suppose I could always start it over somewhere new, even though it's the kind of thing that depends a lot on connections & reputation, & I have those things here & no where else. I have realized I can do anything I really want, if I work hard at it & focus on it, it's just that I'm not sure right now what I want. I did have a plan to go off on my own in this career in a couple years rather than working for other people. I guess I get afraid that doing that will always make me think of xMM for some reason.

 

Anyway I'm having a down day & it's nice to hear from someone who was able to start over fresh & have it work out. :-) [Did your xMM get divorced while he was with you or later?] Since I'm not sure I want to totally move away & I would actually like to try to make it work here on my own [i think], it does feel good to be moving to a new place here & doing that without xMM being involved at all. Thank you for the support.