Is this a break or a break-up?

[SummerBrunette]

I'm really confused and would really appreciate any insight.

 

I've been together with this guy for almost a year. We are sort of co-workers and have started projects together and become lovers doing that.

 

He is this old fashioned, very romantic guy. I'm a little older than him and I've gotten hurt many times in love. Mostly things seemed to be wonderful. I'm ready for a serious commitment and he seemed to be too. He has introduced me to his family which he has only ever done to one girl in his past. My family's met him too. We've had this lovely relationship with lots of joy and common interests. He treats me well, like a princess, and sometimes I feel like he might even have an over-idealized image of me.

 

He's very liked at work and within the circle of friends for being jovial and diplomatic at all times. The thing that has been bugging me is that he never gets angry at me. We never fight. I have a strong will and temper, and deep down he seems to have one too (from work I know he has an ego, for sure!), but he seems to be somewhat scared of his. This has frustrated me a lot. I feel like my any frustration over every day matters is somehow irrelevant or to be rejected and it's surprised me how strongly I react to that. I can never really vent my feelings and that raises even more anger-filled turmoil in me. Sometimes I feel like I cannot handle my anger and I never had anger issues before.

 

He once asked me what is the most important thing that keeps me from trusting him and I said it's him never showing me his anger over anything (not even issues at work) and therefore he doesn't show me his boundaries and limits. How can I know that he doesn't deep down gather anger towards me? And how can I know that he would fight for us if needed if he doesn't fight over anything?

 

In the beginning of our relationship his ex-gf had big problems about us being together. She tried to come back to his life and constantly talk to him and win him over. I could tell that this was difficult for him as I saw that the ex-gf still had some sort of hold over him, even though he said and showed me that I'm the one he wants to be with. He didn't do anything improper, but he didn't push her away as confidentally as I'd wished and this made me feel insecure. It lasted several months as the ex-gf would always come up with something new time and time again. It went down to me having a meltdown over it after which he cut any contacts with the ex-gf and things seemed to get back to normal.

 

Which they were for a few months. I was wondering why he didn't tell me he loved me, and he answered without me asking about it. He said he has some long term plans for us, that he is serious about us, but he has to work some issues about himself before we can go there. And he said that he believes "the most meaningful things" (meaning I love you's) should be said when it's clear that people are seriously committed.

 

Sorry, this is a long post... However, we both had been really stressed out because of work pressure and the other day I got really annoyed by him not telling me straight that he needed to have an evening to himself. Instead he acted like he should be apologetic about it and avoided telling me straight. I've told him countless times I don't want to feel like an intruder in his space and time so if he needs time to himself he should tell me straight. I'm not a girl who calls after him, he's the one who initiates most of our dates so he shouldn't act like I was giving him pressure when I'm specifically letting him take the lead.

 

I told him I want to love and be loved and that this consists of him letting me know what he wishes and wants without childishly hiding and running away when he needs his time and space. I also said I want a man who acts like my man and not like my kid who fears I might get angry if he did something wrong. That was a horrible thing to say but... I can say meant it.

 

After this he said he doesn't have anything to say and I said I knew he wouldn't. Then he left.

 

The day after he texted me saying he still doesn't know what to say but that he thinks we should meet. I replied that we can meet, but only when he DOES know what to say. The next day he e-mailed me a work related mail and at the end of it he added that he needs to get his act together before we can meet. A couple of days later he asked me if I was coming to a party that the work-related community threw. I replied I wasn't going, that I'd spend the evening home. I'd felt horrible the whole day, didn't want to risk bursting into tears at a party full of colleagues.

 

Since then nothing, the fight was a week ago. I'm not planning to call him. He might bump into me at work but I don't want confrontation there. I feel really horrible, this is minute-to-minute agony and I can't focus or relax. I don't sleep. I miss him terribly.

 

I'm waiting him to contact me. How long do you think it might take? He's going to a work-related trip in two weeks and will be gone for five weeks. Do you think what I said can be forgiven by a guy?

[sabienne]

Hi SummerBrunette,

 

Your bf sounds exactly like my ex. I too am very strong willed and very straightforward with people. My ex...not so much! We were together for six years, and looking back he usually backed down in any disagreement. He would verbally agree with me, or we would reach some compromise, and all seemed good. I had reservations about whether he was just saying what I wanted to hear and, like you, whether he was building some resentment or whether he'd man up when the going got tough. I was always the stronger one in the relationship. Always. Until things in my life got a bit rocky a couple of months ago...

 

Well, guess what? My reservations were proved right. He blew up at me and left when I was extremely sick, had been through a very difficult personal crisis and needed him more than ever.

 

It might be different with your bf, but from the sounds of it, he, like my ex, is a people pleaser. This is why he wasn't upfront and confident with his ex, and why doesn't like letting you know his true feelings. He hates rocking the boat and wants to be mr nice guy, everyones best friend. He wants to be a hero, not a villain, which is hard when you aren't truly feeling happy. Unfortunately, you can't fake being happy forever, and you inevitably end up hurting those closest to you when the lies come out.

 

In my opinion, I don't think he will contact you. People like this rarely do anything without being prompted by another, and they rarely get into situations where they have to be a bad guy. Good on you for not contacting him. Stick to NC on your end but be willing to hear him out if he wants to talk. Otherwise, just know you are better without immature behavior in your life.

 

Oh, and please know - this has nothing to do with you! It's all about his issues...not yours. Do not beat yourself up, from the sounds of it you have been upfront and honest and communicated all your feelings and intentions and that is the best you can do.

 

Keep us posted on how it goes! Sorry for the long post...

[sabienne]

And (sorry left this out!) what you said was not that bad or rude - it was honest. Honesty is so important in a relationship so yes, he should be able to forgive you. You are not a bad person, try not to beat yourself up!

[SummerBrunette]

Sabienne and LoveLace, thank you for your insight!

 

First, Sabienne, I'm really sorry to hear bout you going through such tough times. Sounds like a serious turmoil! I'm in my early thirties but I have already been through being seriously ill and all that a couple of years back. I have an experience of a boyfriend who dealed with it the best they could and breaking up with him afterwards for various reasons. You're not the person you used to be after such a thing, not to say it's definately for the worse though. I wish you all the best.

 

The bf texted me today saying he'd like to know if we could meet up tomorrow. He said he misses me and that he hopes I can somehow understand "all this". Probably meaning he wishes I can understand him not being in contact for such a long time. I replied we could meet up and that I wish he has a good day off from work.

 

Sabienne, I'm thinking of what you said about people-pleasing guys. I think my guy might definitely be one of them. He's not very demanding of other people, more so he has demands for himself. He is VERY strict and demanding of himself. He has very high moral standards about how he wishes to live his life. He's hard on himself about things in his past when he couldn't support someone who needed them. He downright punishes himself for those times.

 

I wish I could somehow support him and encourage him to be in touch with his wishes and longings and long-term goals. I'd like him to demand things of me, damn it! Though I agree with you guys that there is nothing absolutely wrong about what I said I know I used a tone of voice and put my words in a way that could be insulting towards his manliness. About kid vs. man thing and all that, you know. I'm aware that sometimes a woman being very strong willed and upfront can make a man sort of shrink. I wish this will not be the case with us.

 

Looking forward to seeing him tomorrow and hearing what he has to say.

[sabienne]

I'm glad I was wrong on that front and he did contact you! I hope you can get some answers and you guys can work it, or you at least get some closure.

 

Wishing you best of luck with it all!!