I'm feeling lost...

[geekygirl]

I'm new to this forum and hope to get some advice here or talk to people who have similiar problem like me.

 

Last year, I met a man who has been divorced several times, much older (20 years) than me, we got together as I was badly depressed and he offered emotional support as he told he has been there before and we got to know each other and fell in love.

 

We were together for few months before he left for his country as he lost his job here & needed to settle some problems in his country but promised he will come back. Since then we communicate almost every single day through internet. He asked me to tell my family about us, so we get married and settle down. But I find it hard to tell family about his background and our age differences and I still havent figured out a way to tell family yet, and I feel I am not ready for a marriage yet and have some fear for marriage perhaps because I have personally seen/heard many failed marriages. And he's upset with the fact that I'm not ready for marriage and to him it shows Im not serious about our relationship.

 

And of course I told him all my concerns, and he responded that he won't leave his country and everything there for good and come here just for a 'gf' he only wants a marriage to feel secured, and that since he's struggling badly financially, it's impossible for him to come here to visit me every now and then, or get visa/permit to work/live here. The only thing he can do is to try getting a job & earn some money in his country then come here to settle down with me. We have been arguing about that many times and end up getting upset with each other.

 

I cried very often, having no clear direction how to cope with that, hopeless, confused, depressed and most days, go to work in the morning with a swollen eye. That relationship problem along with other problems in life just make me feel like taking a long break and quit my job, but I cant afford loosing source of income at this stage as I have some financial burdens too.

 

I doubt if I am suffering from any form of depression, as sometimes I feel happy sometimes I feel extremely down, and cry quite often. I have very low self confidence. Always wonder why life is unfair and feel self-pity. I feel I worry a lot, I need friends, and most importantly I am feeling very LOST. I am not social person and do not have lots of friends either whom I can confide in. I miss him and I know he has been patient with me but I feel can't make myself committed to a marriage yet. Is there something wrong with me?

Edited April 24, 2011 by geekygirl

[GrayClouds]

GG I know you care for this person but the red flags should be waving faster then the wings of a flock of humming birds. This guy is not a good investment for you, you deserve better. His history proves he is not stable in relationships and his action proves he does not put your concerns and needs first. You deserves someone who is stable and puts you first. You deserve a relationship that your proud of and can not wait to tell your family about. Deep down in your heart you know all this.

 

Looking towards this relationship to make things better will not work. For relationship to be successful you need find your own happiness before you can share it. And you will it going to take hard work but it will be worth it.

 

It is time for you to find a professional to talk with, there is so much going on for you right now and your not in any good place to be making important decisions. It may takes some time to find someone you can really talk to but keep trying. I suspect you been dealing with depression for a long time, so long that it feels normal. I have been there and know what it is like but there is help and it can get better.

 

This guy is just a distraction but it is time to focus on yourself and getting strong. Be kind to yourself and good luck.

 

.

[geekygirl]

I suspect you been dealing with depression for a long time, so long that it feels normal. I have been there and know what it is like but there is help and it can get better.

 

 

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GrayClouds, thank you for your feedback. I suffered the pain of loosing my father many years ago, and last year, prior to the mentioned relationship, I had 2 brief relationships which got me cheated badly. You could be right that I could have been depressed for a long time. Guess I need time to calm myself down but I find it difficult to stop caring and contacting that someone and he wants only either us being couple or nothing.

 

Normally, what sort of professional treatment are available for a depressed patient? How does a doctor diagnose one with depression? I've never seeked any professional help yet so far.

Edited April 24, 2011 by geekygirl

[Duckduckgoose]

He's been divorced several times and he's pushing you for marriage.

 

RUN LIKE YOUR ASS IS ON FIRE!

 

There are several other red flags in your original post, but this one is pretty serious all on its own. Just saying.

[GrayClouds]

GrayClouds, thank you for your feedback. I suffered the pain of loosing my father many years ago, and last year, prior to the mentioned relationship, I had 2 brief relationships which got me cheated badly. You could be right that I could have been depressed for a long time. Guess I need time to calm myself down but I find it difficult to stop caring and contacting that someone and he wants only either us being couple or nothing.

 

Normally, what sort of professional treatment are available for a depressed patient? How does a doctor diagnose one with depression? I've never seeked any professional help yet so far.

 

GG start with a professional councilor. Your work Human resources may be able to help find one or you may just need to call around. It may take meeting a couple before you make a good connection with one that you can talk freely with but it is worth it so do not get discourage. Once you do find one you like they may be able to help you referring a doctor to for a check up or meeds if needed. Councilor and doctors uses a verity of ways to determine if someone is suffering, from test to just talking. But it does seem like you experiencing some pretty consistent loss for while now and they can add up. Like I sad I been there too and when you been in it for awhile it difficult to see how much it is influencing you, professionals are pretty good at spotting it when they see it in a person. If you are suffering from it, it sucks but the good news is that you can do something about it and with guard work and patients this is the beginning of a new beautiful life.

 

In the mean time try to get some type of exercise every day even if it is jus walking but more the better. It will help in the short and long run.

 

Finally I know it is hard but his take him up on his ultimatum and choose nothing, I looks like your "Guy" picker has be off for while and you have picked some less then good one of late and this last one is a prime example of that. You deserve better.