4 weeks NC

[calndn]

So its been 4 weeks of NC now between me and my ex, its a long story but we split 6 months ago, he then back in Jan got in contact again and we met up, started to talk quite a bit, met up lots, slept together a few times. Then there was a 3 week gap of nothing, then I saw him out one night and he thought i'd followed him there (i hadnt!!) and long story short...something happened that night in the club and he stuck up for me...then as soon as we left he told me i was lying about the whole thing (a guy basically majorly came on to me and i felt rly uncomfortable so told my ex who went after the guy). Shouldnt have got him involved i know but for him to turn around say i was lying and to leave him alone etc from now on. Told me to stay away from him....makes it sound like i turn up out the blue where he is!! He followed me to a mates bday night out and then to a restaurant he knew i was at one night!! Rich coming from him thats ffor sure! Also it was him that wanted to get back in touch etc. So anyway its been 4 weeks of strict NC...he blocked me on fboook so I did the same. I deleted his number etc. I feel ive come far, but I hate the opinion he has of me now...that im apparently a liar and that I follow him around when I know its not true, but I hate that he thinks that. I hate how it had to come to this point, although I know that talking and meeting up with him wasnt good for me because I wanted a relationship back and he didnt. But I'd rather it have ended amicably like it did in the first place 6 months ago (he said he was young and wanted to have fun and not be in a relationship anymore even though he moved 200 miles to live in the same town as me). So now I subconsciously look out for him whenever im out, his car, his mates....I wish I could stop myself but I cant?? Im moving in a month thank god. Not because of all this I was going to anyway but its almost become a godsend that I am...because I can get away from all of this too..in my own home town! It angers me!

 

I have got to the point where I know that I dont want to be with the person he has become...he used to be the loveliest guy i'd ever met then bam he just turned into an egotistical bastard I still saw the lovely him on occasions after we split mostly when it was just us two hanging out. So I know its still there, I think hes putting this ****ty side up to fit in with his friends hes made down here I dont know. But although I hate the person hes become, I still dont want to never ever speak to him again? We have loads of friends in common etc, so its difficult. Im not going to get ion contact with him thats for sure but part of me just wants him to even just send me a how are you or an apology message to me...I know I wont get one but why am I feeling like this? I have to avoid him now, if I know hes out im paranoid ill bump into him for fear of him accusing me of following him.

 

I think ive done well with deleting his number and facebook etc...but I just am still not over him not over how our relationship could have been if he hadnt have changed like this, I dont understanf why he has and no I know I wont ever understand. Its been 6 months...and im still not over him...I hate that.

 

I think maybe its also to do with the fact that I hate being single, absolutely hate it. And I'd love to find someone that treated me the way I should be treated all the time not just when it suits him. But it feels like im never going to meet someone like my ex once was. I think its going to take meeting someone before I fully get over him but not only am I not interested in anyone else...there is noone else in the pipeline...nothing . I dnt want to look/feel desperate. I just keep getting upset over my ex and I hate it.

 

I always wonder if hes thinking of me because I dont go a day without thinking of him and I wonder if he thinks of me fondly or with disdain. . I wonder if by that night Ive ruined any chance of us even being on good terms? I got home and I was so depressed that I took some painkillers....too many...and txt him telling him that and that if something happened to me It would be his fault...yeah that was stupid. I think ive ruined all chance of us being on good terms. But then he thought by me doing that that I 'needed to sort my life out' and not a are you ok like all his friends asked me.

 

I think ive ruined everything. 4 weeks NC doesnt sound a lot but god does it feel a lot!!

 

Sorry rant over x

[GrayClouds]

Good rant! hang in there and focus on being kind to yourself, it will get easier.