Lying, Facebook, Cheating. Busted? Or what now?

[Am So 5crewed]

Ok, so this is complicated but I will just post the bare bones.

*edit* We are 30+ so immuturity doesnt come into what I have written below, but I think she suffers from low self esteem and flirts (and possibly more) to build her esteem up. I also am away a lot due to work, I am currently away which makes the situation slightly more complex.

 

I have caught my g/f lying. A lot. I have also caught her in an emotional relationship that involved some kissing, cuddling and back rubs. I also caught her sending sexual IM's, etc. A year later, and only because she knew that I was about to find out, she admitted to another emotional affair that went along similar lines, including sleep overs but not sex, *ahem*.....

Anyway, she promised that she would mend her ways and begged for a last chance. About 6 months ago 1 of the guys tried to skype her and she didn't answer and blocked him. A good step I thought.

She hasn't realized yet that her facebook profile is public. We are not friends on facebook, I did make a request but she ignored it and I deactivated my account. But, as her profile is public I look at it occasionally to see who her friends are. Then I see that she is friends with a guy with the same christian name and the same location, hobbies, and interests as the guy she didnt block on skype. I am sure it is the guy. But, I cant let her know that I found out because then she will make her account private. I kind of think that I should keep that area of knowledge quiet until I need my nuclear option. Thats the only thing I have currently.

So, I am wondering how to handle the situation now? I found out a week ago but have not said anything.

Shall I just ask her if they are friends on facebook? If they are would that be loosing your last chance? Shall I tell her what I know? Would it be unreasonable for me to say that I want to see what she does online considering the things she has done in the past, and that I want to see her facebook account? Obviously if it is the same guy she is going to start lying so how can I solve this issue?

Or am I over reacting? Personally I am very confused about exactly how to handle this. I dont want to react emotionally. At the moment I am 95% positive it is the same guy. If it is the same guy she knows that I would find it completely unacceptable. She also knows that it would probably be the final rift between us. Or is that unreasonable? Would it be too controlling of me to make demands and ultimatums about who she can and cant see or be friends with. Frankly, I think continuing contact secretly with a guy you have had a 'thing' with is crossing the line. Anyway, I am obviously confused and I would really like to hear some advice and/or thoughts about how to handle this situation.

[Kinder-Horror]

It's always easier to say "walk away" than do it.

 

Walk away.

 

This girl needs attention - and apparently not from you. You don't think it is extremely shady that she ignored your friend request on facebook? You didn't ask why? You're her boyfriend. It is really weird - and that is the most minimal detail... without even addressing her past indiscretions (BTW, kissing and cuddling isn't really an emotional relationship...kissing someone else is cheating).

 

You know she is lying to you . If you don't want to tell her about the facebook thing, don't. Or at least wait until you see something concrete before confronting her about that detail... otherwise you're not going to get anywhere.

 

I think you need to reexamine why you are with this woman - a woman who disrespects and lies to you and needs multiple chances to be faithful to you.

[Aveenolover]

I would say wait until you guys are together alone and around a computer. Tell her you have been feeling insecure and that you would like to view her facebook and possibly see her messages. If she says something like later or tries to put it off(she would only do that so she can hurry and get on there to clean stuff up) Then tell her no, you want to see it now. You have to put her on the spot when she doesnt expect it cuz thats when you have the chance to find anything. I mean, if she had done nothing ever to screw up your trust then that could be invading privacy...but at the same time she did screw it up already. Also, honestly if my boyfriend told me, "hey, im feeling a lil insecure and i want to see your facebook and messages and stuff (even though i have never cheated and i have done nothign to warrant this distrust) i would not feel mad at all, show him my facebook and ask him what i did to make him feel like i wasnt trustworthy to try to fix our trust. The only time i can see anyone getting MAD about being asked to have their stuff viewed if they know the person theyre with is feeling upset, are normally people that have stuff to hide. But maybe im just a very open person and ill share whatever.

 

ALso, the fact that she isnt your friend on FB is just weird. She doesnt seem to be treating you right.

 

But thats my opinion and thats what i would do if i were in your shoes.

[PegNosePete]

We are 30+ so immuturity doesnt come into what I have written below

Umm. Since when did physical age have anything to do with maturity??

 

I have caught my g/f lying. A lot. I have also caught her in an emotional relationship that involved some kissing, cuddling and back rubs. I also caught her sending sexual IM's, etc. A year later, and only because she knew that I was about to find out, she admitted to another emotional affair that went along similar lines, including sleep overs but not sex, *ahem*.....

If there was kissing, cuddling, backrubs and "sleepovers" then it was not an emotional affair, it was a physical one.

 

Right. You've written 2 things here.

- She lies a lot.

- She told you there was no sex.

Do you think these are unconnected? Do you not think she might have been maybe, gosh, lying when she told you there was no sex?

 

Just ditch her dude, she's a lying cheating ho.

[JusChill]

From my point of view...you are the one who is attached to her. You are hoping that she will change, or become someone who you might trust in the future...but trust me, based on experience...the more you drag this the more you will hurt yourself..and the more disappointment you will have. Breaking up isn't an easy thing to do...but you gotta know one thing, all the time you are spending with her right now...you could use it to find someone else who will treat you right. Someone who is compatible, to you... she isn't ready for a commit relationship, she is stepping all over you cause you never get mad or never confront her about something. And even if you do, you probably surrender half way through, cause she can talk you out of it... isn't it?

 

...You know what is right and wrong, is time to face reality. Man up bud.

[reservoirdog1]

Ok, so this is complicated but I will just post the bare bones.

*edit* We are 30+ so immuturity doesnt come into what I have written below, but I think she suffers from low self esteem and flirts (and possibly more) to build her esteem up. I also am away a lot due to work, I am currently away which makes the situation slightly more complex.

 

I have caught my g/f lying. A lot. I have also caught her in an emotional relationship that involved some kissing, cuddling and back rubs. I also caught her sending sexual IM's, etc. A year later, and only because she knew that I was about to find out, she admitted to another emotional affair that went along similar lines, including sleep overs but not sex, *ahem*.....

 

You do know that the "emotional affairs that only involved kissing, cuddling and backrubs" most likely involved sex as well, don't you? She told you only as much as she figured you could find out from others. Cheaters NEVER reveal the extent of their cheating.

 

Dude, you're being comprehensively taken for a ride by this woman. Sucks that she may have low self-esteem, but that's not an excuse for her to override her moral compass and her supposed commitment to you as her BF.

 

And why the hell wouldn't she be your facebook friend? That's just weird. Unless she didn't want to because she had things to hide from you. Which she pretty obviously did. Then it's not weird, it makes total sense.

 

You're not overreacting. That woman cannot be trusted. And if you stay with her, she's going to continue to lie to you and cheat on you. And probably give you an STD. Don't you think you deserve somebody better than her? There are tons of women out there who WON'T cheat on you repeatedly.

 

Tuum est.

[Am So 5crewed]

I would say wait until you guys are together alone and around a computer. Tell her you have been feeling insecure and that you would like to view her facebook and possibly see her messages. If she says something like later or tries to put it off(she would only do that so she can hurry and get on there to clean stuff up) Then tell her no, you want to see it now.

 

Yep, that's basically what I have decided. When I made my original post I was a little bit annoyed. A few days down the line and I was thinking rationally. I actually took a screenshot of her FB page with the recent activity and the friends name, if she somehow denies me access or happens to delete him between now and when I get home in a few weeks I still have the proof. It was nice to hear that someone else thinks it is a reasonable idea and suggestion.

[Am So 5crewed]

Cheaters NEVER reveal the extent of their cheating.

.

I guess, I had kind of hoped that she has been honest, but of course it is easy to convince those that want to believe, right?

 

What can I say? I dug a hole and now its hard to get out. I must admit though that as it is uncomfortable to disscus things like this with people you know, it is nice to be able to throw a thought 'out there' and see what bounces back. Basically everybody is posting what I know.

[Am So 5crewed]

Yep, its called Knight in Shining Armour Syndrome. Its catch 22.

 

Thanks for the support and advice. I know everyone is right. Thanks for the different perspectives.

[betterdeal]

You're confused and upset. Not a good place to be. She doesn't make you feel good, she makes you feel bad.

 

I have meals like that. The food that makes me feel bad, I tend to avoid, throw away, not buy. Sure, sometimes it might just need a bit of salt or cooking for a little longer, but the rest of it, it's just not for me. The food that makes me feel good, I tend to eat, buy, enjoy.

 

It's a simple strategy.