lookingforyou Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 A friend mentioned this evening about introducing a guy she knows to another friend. I jokingly punched her and asked why she didn't think of me. She was surprised and said she thinks I'm strong and it doesn't look like I need a man. She said she and her friend are lonely so need men more. Huh? Am I hearing it right? So I told my friend "not actively" looking doesn't mean I'm not looking. How do I send signals that I am? Help!
BiscuitXOXO Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 Just tell her you are. And lol at "jokingly punched her."
Author lookingforyou Posted April 24, 2011 Author Posted April 24, 2011 Just tell her you are. And lol at "jokingly punched her." I did. But are there other girls with the same situation? Any ways to overcome this "strong" look?
BiscuitXOXO Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 Better to be strong than needy. But... Towards a man: Flirt. He should get the hint. Towards a woman: Talk about men. She should also get the hint. Idk...
Author lookingforyou Posted April 24, 2011 Author Posted April 24, 2011 I decided to drive myself to the beach and spend sometime alone. Then it dawned upon me that I can do things without other people. And it sort of scares me, if you know what I mean. How many of you like and do things alone? And have an SO?
SmileFace Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 I would say it is good to do things on your own. However, my alone is only a defense mechanism to keep people out, soooooooo.... Yeah, I am not much help.
Author lookingforyou Posted April 24, 2011 Author Posted April 24, 2011 I would say it is good to do things on your own. However, my alone is only a defense mechanism to keep people out, soooooooo.... Yeah, I am not much help. Why do you need to keep people out?
Author lookingforyou Posted April 24, 2011 Author Posted April 24, 2011 I really think needy people or those that need people more tend to be those in relationships. People I know that haven't been single for a long time each time are married already.
SmileFace Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 Why do you need to keep people out? Do you really want to know the answer to that question? Probably not, but I will answer anyway. To protect myself. Yeah, I am learning that doesn't work. Since I am just running people away from me. I don't know, shrugs.
carhill Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 Watch how you interact with men every day and, if possible, take a girlfriend and get her assessment. Usually people form such opinions, if honest, from observing behavior. Conversely, socialize with a female friend who seems to garner the attention/interest of/from men. Observe. If you are 'strong', proactively approaching men should not be an issue. Try it the next time you're out. It doesn't mean ask them out, merely make proactive contact. See where it goes.
Author lookingforyou Posted April 24, 2011 Author Posted April 24, 2011 Do you really want to know the answer to that question? Probably not, but I will answer anyway. To protect myself. Yeah, I am learning that doesn't work. Since I am just running people away from me. I don't know, shrugs. I understand it. Because I've been there. I sometimes find that not having to deal with someone else (in a relationship) is easier. Take for example my drive to the beach. If I had wanted to ask a friend along, I would have to call him/her, coordinate a time, tell him/her where I'll be on the beach, what we'll do there, or carpool. By the time the logistics is done, I would probably have been on the beach. There are things I like being single. There are things I miss about being in a couple.
Author lookingforyou Posted April 24, 2011 Author Posted April 24, 2011 Watch how you interact with men every day and, if possible, take a girlfriend and get her assessment. Usually people form such opinions, if honest, from observing behavior. Conversely, socialize with a female friend who seems to garner the attention/interest of/from men. Observe. If you are 'strong', proactively approaching men should not be an issue. Try it the next time you're out. It doesn't mean ask them out, merely make proactive contact. See where it goes. I've observed female friends before. They look "innocent" (or are genuinely innocent) and are friendly when chatting with men. It probably helps that they aren't shabby looking. Sometimes the stronger I am, the more I think I shouldn't let a man feel I need him or want to go out with him. I haven't had a female friend observe me interacting with men though.
Professor X Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 I've observed female friends before. They look "innocent" (or are genuinely innocent) and are friendly when chatting with men. It probably helps that they aren't shabby looking. Sometimes the stronger I am, the more I think I shouldn't let a man feel I need him or want to go out with him. I haven't had a female friend observe me interacting with men though. Here, this is how you should be thinking and acting as a strong person: You don't need a man but you want to be with him. You're strong, therefor I take it that you're independent. Cause as you said, most of your more "needy" friends are already married, cause they can't "walk" on their own.
carhill Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 Try forming thoughts of wanting to share your strength and love with a deserving man and see where that takes you. Do it actively, even when in their presence. It can change how people perceive you. Perhaps an old cliche, but 'thinking positively' can change your aura. I think having a girlfriend assess your behaviors and mannerisms could help a lot. It's difficult for any of us to objectively assess how we 'come across' to others IRL, other than by the social clues which are returned to us, and that presumes we can read them accurately. Myself, I happened to have been socialized by a strong female role model, so have no fear of a woman not 'needing' me in the classic way men like to feel needed. I focus in more on want and desire and shared intimacy and find the desire for interdependence to be an attractive aspect. As always, each of us is unique and compatibility will affect those men and their responses to your 'strength'. Hope it works out
Author lookingforyou Posted April 25, 2011 Author Posted April 25, 2011 Here, this is how you should be thinking and acting as a strong person: You don't need a man but you want to be with him. You're strong, therefor I take it that you're independent. Cause as you said, most of your more "needy" friends are already married, cause they can't "walk" on their own. Yep, positive thinking. Try forming thoughts of wanting to share your strength and love with a deserving man and see where that takes you. Do it actively, even when in their presence. It can change how people perceive you. Perhaps an old cliche, but 'thinking positively' can change your aura. I think having a girlfriend assess your behaviors and mannerisms could help a lot. It's difficult for any of us to objectively assess how we 'come across' to others IRL, other than by the social clues which are returned to us, and that presumes we can read them accurately. Myself, I happened to have been socialized by a strong female role model, so have no fear of a woman not 'needing' me in the classic way men like to feel needed. I focus in more on want and desire and shared intimacy and find the desire for interdependence to be an attractive aspect. As always, each of us is unique and compatibility will affect those men and their responses to your 'strength'. Hope it works out These days I'm not sure men are tuned to some positive aura that says I don't need you though. I find men these days need women to need them. Or am I wrong? According to LS, they feel bad if their women earn more than them, they feel the women don't like them if the latter don't let them pay for her meal etc.
carhill Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 IMO, the synergy comes from a compatible man who naturally gravitates to your intrinsic emotional and relationship styles. Generalizing about men and women is fine for discussion purposes, but IRL it comes down to the individuals and their unique psychologies. That said, IMO a man does feel more valued when he feels there is room in a woman's life for him. It might not be a need to feel needed but rather that space is available and his occupancy is valued. A super-independent woman can give the impression there is no space in her life for a man, like she has everything covered. That impression may not reflect her perspective, but it can be quite real to the man. So, if what you're currently doing isn't working, try something else, mindful of your own healthy boundaries and style.
Author lookingforyou Posted April 25, 2011 Author Posted April 25, 2011 IMO, the synergy comes from a compatible man who naturally gravitates to your intrinsic emotional and relationship styles. Generalizing about men and women is fine for discussion purposes, but IRL it comes down to the individuals and their unique psychologies. That said, IMO a man does feel more valued when he feels there is room in a woman's life for him. It might not be a need to feel needed but rather that space is available and his occupancy is valued. A super-independent woman can give the impression there is no space in her life for a man, like she has everything covered. That impression may not reflect her perspective, but it can be quite real to the man. So, if what you're currently doing isn't working, try something else, mindful of your own healthy boundaries and style. I suspect people can tell that I'm independent. I don't even know how they picked it up. If I knew, I would be able to tame that part of me. But I'm not "super independent!" I'm tired of coming across as independent and strong.
Author lookingforyou Posted April 25, 2011 Author Posted April 25, 2011 So you don't want a man? Then whats the issue, don't date men. Date other women or stay alone, simple. Nope, completely straight and happy with my choice. What I said was that I'm unsure, not that I flat out want to switch or not date at all.
Author lookingforyou Posted April 25, 2011 Author Posted April 25, 2011 Feeling a little sappy now. I told another friend what the first friend said about me seemingly happy and not looking. The second friend said that was what I gave out. It's good that I have friends that tell me that so I can change. But it scares me wondering how I can do this better.
Graceful Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 I really think you need to define "strong" because it can have many connotations and meanings. Not sure, but you seem to be giving it a negative connotation for some reason, that's why I ask. Strong women? Assertive? Aggressive? Independent? Opinionated? Or are strong women problem solvers? Resilient and can roll with the punches? Helpful and supportive to their friends and the men in their lives? Are they women who don't give up when the going gets rough? There for you when you need them. Not wishy washy. So which is it? See what I mean? It sounds like you don't show that you're vulnerable very often. That's a very attractive quality, and letting your guard down to admit when you need help, or need support. Also, being a good, if not great listener when you meet a guy. Don't sit and anticipate your response, just listen. It's nice to have an active part in a conversation, but make sure you're giving the guy your full attention, and that you don't appear to be waiting for your turn to respond, just be more at ease. In general, there's a difference between being capable, competent, and taking charge of your life as a single person, rather than being "strong" and seeming like you've got it all nailed. Maybe start envisioning when it would be really great to have a guy around to support and help you, and how you'd let him do that. How would you let him into your life and how nice it would be. Hope this helps. Good luck . I suspect people can tell that I'm independent. I don't even know how they picked it up. If I knew, I would be able to tame that part of me. But I'm not "super independent!" I'm tired of coming across as independent and strong.
Author lookingforyou Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 I really think you need to define "strong" because it can have many connotations and meanings. Not sure, but you seem to be giving it a negative connotation for some reason, that's why I ask. Strong women? Assertive? Aggressive? Independent? Opinionated? Or are strong women problem solvers? Resilient and can roll with the punches? Helpful and supportive to their friends and the men in their lives? Are they women who don't give up when the going gets rough? There for you when you need them. Not wishy washy. So which is it? See what I mean? Oh no, there was a negative connotation because of how it made me, unapproachable and giving the "wrong" vibes. Otherwise, I'm glad while the right guy is in my future, in the meantime I'm not needy. You see, it's a double-edged sword. It sounds like you don't show that you're vulnerable very often. That's a very attractive quality, and letting your guard down to admit when you need help, or need support. True. I'm slow to trust because I feel I'm the most reliable person on earth and it pains me when others don't give what they promise. Also, being a good, if not great listener when you meet a guy. Don't sit and anticipate your response, just listen. It's nice to have an active part in a conversation, but make sure you're giving the guy your full attention, and that you don't appear to be waiting for your turn to respond, just be more at ease. In general, there's a difference between being capable, competent, and taking charge of your life as a single person, rather than being "strong" and seeming like you've got it all nailed. Maybe start envisioning when it would be really great to have a guy around to support and help you, and how you'd let him do that. How would you let him into your life and how nice it would be. On the contrary, if you ask my closest friends, they'll tell you that I'm vulnerable and far from strong. I only show this side to a handful of people I trust. I guess a lot of times I hate to think of the time if I break up with a guy and I have to run into him in places we frequent, the hurt to my ego after someone thinks I'm not good enough or the pain should he cheat on me. Writing this, it seems I've found my problem. Hope this helps. Good luck . Thanks.
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