Adam Kadmon Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 THIS IS LONG BUT PLEAS I THOUGTE IT BEST TO PUT EVERYTHING OUT THERE. P.S. I had to be funny in writeing this to cope. Ok so I have never posted anything like this before and I am in my most desperate hour I feel and something has pulled me here. Me and my girlfriend had been together for a year as of march. We made it up until April 19th. We have had very minor argument/breakups that were resolved within a days time before and it rarely occurred. I walked up to greet her at a event we frequently volunteer at and was approaching to embrace her when she grabed me by the arm and looked me in the face and said the dreaded words....."we need to talk I do not wanna make a scene". At this point I already know whats coming as we walk outside away from prying ears. She looked me dead in the face numbly for the first time and told me that she just was not feeling it anymore. I asked if we could talk about it go get something to eat and converse over dinner. Her repeated response was no. We talked more in her car and within it's confines she seemed to be more open but still more withdrawn then ever before. She sated she had been thinking about it for a while now and that this week was it.She sounded sad as she said no to all of my attempts to have her stay. With her then uttering the word babe in a attempt to get me to listen. She smiled nervously and put her head down and blamed it on habit.I opened the car door after saying in a plain voice "you just dont give a **** do you" and walked over to my car jumped in and sped off. After trying for about half and hour around 9 pm on the phone to go out to dinner and see if we could get the spark back and reminding her of all the good times we had she started to sound warmer and more keen to the idea of going out and giving it another try. We agreed to do it after she got home from school the next day. Not 10 minutes later did she call back and exclaim that she just could not do it in a frantic voice and how she was done. Done as in she was just done no reason. She just said she no longer saw us growing old together and she still cares about me immensely as a friend. I was able to then get her to agree to at least let me drive her home the next day and talk about it then and then no more. I had a interview before hand the next morning and after coming home found on my Facebook a message saying and I copy paste this- I'm staying home with my dad today. I've thought about it and I just want to be alone, if you want me to answer your questions then call me. But, today is the last day we're going to talk about this because I'm done. I don't want to end this on a bad note.Good luck at orientation and starting school. The message she sent before this - I'm sorry! The last thing I want to do is hurt you! You've had enough of that bullcrap, and I don't want to add to that. I don't mean to leave you hanging, I just don't want to lie to you! I respect you more than that. Before that- I don't hate you or anything, and blocking you would be dumb and dickish. You arn't asinine, you weren't bitchy, there's nothing wrong with you. You are a great guy and I enjoyed our time together. But, I'm just done. This isn't what I want. I don't want to talk it over. I don't want this to drag this out, I want us to just apreciate what we had, learn from it, and move on. I'm sorry, and I hope for nothing but the best for you and your future. Please understand. ______________________________________ I go over to her dads to drop off some stuff to her and we sit out on the dock alone together.I began breaking the ice by talking about religion and politics sense both her and me love intellectual conversations. Then I began to talk to her about how I really felt that we could work things out and how it would be horrible not to even try and find the spark again. I asked her to hold my hand and she barely grabbed it and then I laughed and said a real hold and she laughed nervously and said she was not going to get any closer than that but I got her to cave after looking at her and going "come on".It was not long before she started to cry...This ****ed my head up alot she is a little Bi polar but she controls it by numbing up to everything everything except me up until this point. Her dad came out when I went in to grab her a glass of water and she told me we would have to wrap it up cause her dad was not wanting to see her get so worked up. So taking it as GET THE **** OUT NICELY I told her to give me a hug and she did!.!. I told her I would call her later and talk more and she said babe no. "Is it me or is babe twice in two days in a emotional cluster**** stage something else besides habit". Anywho I leave and decide I have gone to far and risk losing her forever. So I send her a message saying I was sorry for making her cry and hope we can stay great friends and that maybe down the road something will change and that I understand all the while searching my mind of where the bullets were and listening to love songs. She sends me a message in all caps saying thank you so much. About 5 hours later messages me and says I got some stuff you asked me to hold on to I keep holding on to it if you need me to. I told her I would pick it up another day. Skip ahead to today the 23rd I have been walking tanning and working out and only replied to pick up the stuff today. At the same place where we volunteer she avoids direct eye contact and seems confused of where she put the stuff in her car even though shes in a rush. I showed up late and told her I got sidetracked working out-BS by the way "Psych warfare" I told to hold on to a video game I loaned her cause she said she liked to play it and then told I had to go take care of my errands and to call me in a week so I could see my friend she is picking up from another city.I did my best to act happy and ok.Nobody knew this was gonna happen not even her friends.As I walked away she did not look back.2 days before she broke up with me were drinking and having a ball and talking about about the nastiest sex in the world then nightmare land. My question is I love this girl I can go on with the details of how I wanna go kill myself but that is not gonna solve this. Besides that I am doing No contact for about 3-4 weeks and then go out as friends and try to remind her of the guy she fell in love with cause admittedly things have changed on my part. I cant explain it but I feel she still loves me and God knows I love her enough to type this worthless manifesto/suicide note of a explanation of failing to avoid this calamity. I need help. I love her so much I will do anything at all. I have been around enough. To be honest I really dont want anyone else because she is the perfect package. Anything else is just settling for me. She is burdened with Advanced placement dual enrollment coursework and is under alot of stress from it and IDK if that is what caused this." she Denys it" If it means anything she still has the valentine stuff I gave her out in the open even in her room. Any other info I can give with a post but this pretty much is it. Somebody give me some advice or experienced insight.I have had my share but I cant trust my mind when the hearts holding it hostage.
WavingFlag Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 That's rough man. However, let me say that the more you try and push to be with her and the more desperate you look, the more you will push her away farther. I know your first response is to do absolutely everything you can possibly do to get her back. I am sure by now you have told her just how much she means to you and that is about as much as you can do. If she really wants to be in a relationship with you, she will come to you. After all, she was the one who broke it off in the first place. I know it is hard but no contact is the best way to go. Give her the time and the space she needs. Give her time to miss you. By giving her the space she wants, you are showing her that she means a lot to you. Again, it is the hardest thing in the world to do but the sooner you do it, the better chances will be in having a future relationship with this girl. I know what you are going through but it will get better with time. It is a ****ty feeling knowing that there is absolutely nothing you can do. You will need at least a month to reflect on your relationship and to truly determine whether this is the girl for you. For me, I confirmed this after almost 4 months being away from my ex and still having the same overwhelming feelings for her. I wish you the best.
Downtown Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 Adam, I'm so sorry for your terrible suffering over the loss of your exGF. How are you doing today? Do you have a friend or family nearby you can stay with so as not to be alone at this time. Depression is such a dangerous thing because, as you say, you cannot trust your mind when your emotions are so intense because they are distorting your perceptions. Intense feelings have that effect on all of us. This is why we cannot trust them. Instead of acting on them, we wait until we have a chance to cool down and see more clearly. Please give us an update so we know how you're doing, Adam.
Author Adam Kadmon Posted April 25, 2011 Author Posted April 25, 2011 Thank you guys for responding I have been doing well with the no contact and have been taking this opportunity to be with my family who have been very supportive. I heard today though some startling but personally frightening news. She has not been eating well at all or resting well. She began to feel dizzy and puked and then passed out. She said that it was not because of us not being together but that she worried what I might do as of a result of us not being together. I am happy to know she cares but am now worried as to her health. As much as I like to think throttling her "j/k" I am concerned over her health. Her family is good in terms of healthcare and money and are class A accepting loving parents. But I never doubt her ability to hide things from people. She is not prone to this behavior or self destruction at all. She did not tell me this and tryed to make dam sure I did not find out but I am 100% confident from the person who told me. All I can think is that she is holding everything in and just numbing herself torwards me without realizing it. I am staying NC regardless....but I dont know if she misses me or is just genuinely worried I haven't gone out and been like "I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF AND YOU AND THE WHOLE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I just went off the radar. Any ideas?
Author Adam Kadmon Posted April 25, 2011 Author Posted April 25, 2011 I have been thinking about it alot and honestly NC is not doing it for me and heres why...I bet what everyone is trying to tell me in my life is that if she loves me she loves me and if she does not she does not. I love her to death but I am not gonna sell myself in this depression by not talking to one of my best friends in this world. I shouldn't have to kill myself and silent myself in a corner and watch her not eat and get sick from afar. I believe somewhere deep down that if it is meant to be it will be and she will see that she still loves. If not well **** it then theres nothing I can do from voodoo to silence. I deserve someone who will walk right up to my face and say I love you take me forever. I already called her and asked her if she is still coming with me to a baby shower we were planning on attending and she said she wants to go and she will ask her parents. When she calls back I am gonna ask her to talk just to TALK! Thats what I love about her is that we can talk like like minded civil individuals. I am gonna ask her to come chill me somewhere and grab something to eat I have hope but its not my main goal anymore. I am not doing this in a lame attempt to beg her to get me back. I am doing this to enjoy my life and be happy. Thank you to all who read and posted and I will be here again because I really needed this these past couple days.
Downtown Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 Adam, given the severity of your depression, you could benefit greatly from a few sessions with a therapist, ideally a clinical psychologist. I've been to several of them myself and found them very helpful. That is, you don't have to be crazy to benefit from talking to a professional. Moreover, it need not be expensive because most therapists charge on a sliding scale, depending on your income level. Also, some therapy is often available free through social services and (here in the States) at public colleges and universities. Have you ever been depressed before this breakup? Are you still in your teens or early 20's?
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