How do I get through/fix this???

[Puzzled79]

So I met the man of my dreams. After a long search and pretty much giving up on the whole dating thing, he came along at a time when I needed someone in my life.

 

A few months into our relationship, we decided to go on an overseas trip together for a few weeks. Everything was fine until I noticed he was getting very anxious, worried and paranoid that people were staring at him and talking about him. It was starting to worry me. When we returned home, he went to hospital and was admitted for a week. They ran lots of tests and he was diagnosed with Schizophrenia and Depression. I was shocked and didn't know what to think or do. All I did know was that I loved him and that I was going to be there for him no matter what.

 

After he was discharged, he moved into my place and we began our lives together. I supported him as much as I could, cared for him and was just there for him whenever he needed me. He was on a lot of medication, some worked and some made him like the lights were on but nobody was home. I understood that, I never judged him and continued loving him the same as always.

 

A week ago he had to be admitted to hospital again after a relapse, and they only kept him in a few days. When he came home, I could see he still wasn't really himself, so I gave him some space and just supported him as best I could. A few days ago, we had an argument. I guess the stress and frustration for me finally came to the surface, because throughout all this, I have felt so helpless because I can't help him get better, nobody can. We had an argument about something unrelated and the next thing I know he has stormed off. The next day I got home from work to find all his stuff packed and he is gone. No goodbye, no thanks for being there for me, no nothing.

 

I panicked when I got home and tried to ring him - no answer. I rang his Dad to find out what was going on and he said that he isn't thinking clearly at the moment and to give him some time. I finally spoke to my b/f, I apologised for my part in the argument and he said that because of his illness, he can't be in a relationship at the moment. When I asked if he still loved me, he said he didn't know. When I asked if he had feelings for me, he said he didn't know. I know that the illness is not making him think clearly at the moment, and when he is in this state of mind, he can't make rational decisions about anything. If I knew that he was thinking clearly, it would make it a bit easier, but he just cannot comprehend what he is saying or doing when he is having a relapse like this.

 

I am so frightened right now. I am even suicidal, I can't live without him. He was the best thing to happen to me for a long time. I still love him, I miss him so much and I can't eat or sleep. All I did was care for and support him and I can't believe he can just walk away after a year together. We had to face so much heartache early in our relationship and we got through it, I just can't understand why it is so easy for him to walk away, after everything we have been through together? I know other girls would not have been so understanding and probably would have bolted at the first sign of trouble, but not me. I have a big heart, and a very caring nature and I accepted him, warts and all.

 

Please somebody help me, I am in tears writing this. I am living a nightmare at the moment and don't know what to do. I don't have many friends who I can go to for support and no family. Last time I spoke to him he said that the conversation wasn't helping his condition and he may have to go back to hospital. Do I wait a while until he is thinking more clearly? I want to fight for this relationship, but I don't want to push him away either. I don't want to go no contact either because then he will just forget about me and think that I don't care about him. HELP!!!

Edited April 24, 2011 by Puzzled79

[iamenough]

I don't think there is much anyone can say to take away your pain. I do understand it though, because I have literally been there. In my early twenties, I fell in love with a schizophrenic before he was diagnosed. Was 100% he was the man I'd marry. That didn't happen and I'm actually really thankful today. It's a long drawn out story but.. trust me when I tell you it doesn't get better / easier. He's mentally ill, that part is very real and doesn't go away. Yes, it can be treated with medications and such, (which is a process and journey in itself) but he will always be mentally ill. There is the possibly that he will be unresponsive to meds as well, some never reach ANY relief via meds. He will probably "relapse" or have "episodes" frequently in life.

 

I don't think it's "easy" for him to walk away, but there is probably A LOT he is dealing with outside of the relationship already. If he's the typical schizophrenic who hears voices, then it might help to be aware that those voices can be unrelenting and very disturbing. In the case of my ex, his voices didn't like me. They even "told" him I wasn't real and there was a period where he very much believed I was a figment of his imagination. Long story short, it got scary and ugly and it was time to bail. You have no idea what's really going on inside his head right now and he might not even be able to tell you. The illness is bigger than the two of you combined. Sad, but absolutely true. I am NOT a doctor by any means but I've spent enough time with him (and work in a psych hospital as well) I'm tellin ya.. it doesn't get better. I know you want to "fix" it and be there for him, trust me I really do get that. But.... you cannot do a single thing for him except to back off and let him seek treatment. Here comes the hard part....

 

You are better off. I know that's really hard to hear, but.... a life with a mentally ill boyfriend/husband is really NOT an easy / happy one. If his illness is particularly bad it can be an outright nightmare. That's not to say I don't believe he deserves love... etc, just.... he's not in a place to fully receive that from you. The best thing for the both of you is to cut it off... take some space and maybe in time you can be an understanding friend to him.

 

I don't know if any of this helps you at all.. but... I hope you feel better soon.

[Felixtheecat]

I'm really sorry to hear of all your pain. My best friend whom I have known for 10 years is schizo-effective/bipolar disorder. He was dating for a few years when I first met him, but his illness pretty much made dating impossible. The last year and a half for him have been good and with therapy and medication his made great progress. He's more stable than i've ever seen him and he's dating again. He seems like he could function in a relationship again and i'm really happy for him. It did take him 8 years for him to reach this state though, and one can only be hopeful that things remain steady for him. He is not full blown schizophrentic either. I never say never, but with your circumstance I don't imagine any semblance of normality for years if he ever can reach a point where he's health in enough to be in a relationship.

 

Please don't hurt yourself either. I was just broken up with and the pain is immense. I don't even know what i'm going to do, but I know that I have people that love me that would be forever scared if I took my own life.

[Puzzled79]

I don't think there is much anyone can say to take away your pain. I do understand it though, because I have literally been there. In my early twenties, I fell in love with a schizophrenic before he was diagnosed. Was 100% he was the man I'd marry. That didn't happen and I'm actually really thankful today. It's a long drawn out story but.. trust me when I tell you it doesn't get better / easier. He's mentally ill, that part is very real and doesn't go away. Yes, it can be treated with medications and such, (which is a process and journey in itself) but he will always be mentally ill. There is the possibly that he will be unresponsive to meds as well, some never reach ANY relief via meds. He will probably "relapse" or have "episodes" frequently in life.

 

I don't think it's "easy" for him to walk away, but there is probably A LOT he is dealing with outside of the relationship already. If he's the typical schizophrenic who hears voices, then it might help to be aware that those voices can be unrelenting and very disturbing. In the case of my ex, his voices didn't like me. They even "told" him I wasn't real and there was a period where he very much believed I was a figment of his imagination. Long story short, it got scary and ugly and it was time to bail. You have no idea what's really going on inside his head right now and he might not even be able to tell you. The illness is bigger than the two of you combined. Sad, but absolutely true. I am NOT a doctor by any means but I've spent enough time with him (and work in a psych hospital as well) I'm tellin ya.. it doesn't get better. I know you want to "fix" it and be there for him, trust me I really do get that. But.... you cannot do a single thing for him except to back off and let him seek treatment. Here comes the hard part....

 

You are better off. I know that's really hard to hear, but.... a life with a mentally ill boyfriend/husband is really NOT an easy / happy one. If his illness is particularly bad it can be an outright nightmare. That's not to say I don't believe he deserves love... etc, just.... he's not in a place to fully receive that from you. The best thing for the both of you is to cut it off... take some space and maybe in time you can be an understanding friend to him.

 

I don't know if any of this helps you at all.. but... I hope you feel better soon.

 

Thank you so much for your reply. It really does help to know that you have been in a similar situation and know what I am dealing with. I've studied as much as I can about his illness, gone to appointments with him etc and to be honest, some of what I have read/heard is quite scary. The future is unknown in any relationship, but even more so when your partner has a mental illness. If I am honest with myself, the last few months have been very draining, and most of my needs are not being met in the relationship. The strange thing is, I still love him and I guess I will just have to be patient and hope that the meds he is on really help to turn his life around and have him at least functioning normally again. I have always been a carer-type of person, both in my family and in general, so I guess that's why it's hard for me to just walk away when someone is in crisis. I think I will give him some time, see how the meds work and make the decision about our future once I see how the next few months go.

[Puzzled79]

I'm really sorry to hear of all your pain. My best friend whom I have known for 10 years is schizo-effective/bipolar disorder. He was dating for a few years when I first met him, but his illness pretty much made dating impossible. The last year and a half for him have been good and with therapy and medication his made great progress. He's more stable than i've ever seen him and he's dating again. He seems like he could function in a relationship again and i'm really happy for him. It did take him 8 years for him to reach this state though, and one can only be hopeful that things remain steady for him. He is not full blown schizophrentic either. I never say never, but with your circumstance I don't imagine any semblance of normality for years if he ever can reach a point where he's health in enough to be in a relationship.

 

Please don't hurt yourself either. I was just broken up with and the pain is immense. I don't even know what i'm going to do, but I know that I have people that love me that would be forever scared if I took my own life.

 

Thank you for your reply, it really has given me a little bit of hope that perhaps things won't always be this way for us. I do know that he has had quite a few short relationships in the past and due to his depression, I think the girls he dated didn't really want to stick around. He knows that I'm not like the other girls he dated, and I don't take off at the frist sign of trouble. Whether that's a good thing or not, I don't know.....lol. He's not full blown schizophrenic, apparently the psychs caught it in time before it became really bad, so they all seem to think once the meds take full effect, there's no reason why he can't have a normal life.

 

Thank you for your advice, and I really do hope that you feel a lot better soon. Breakups cause the worst pain ever, if someone could invent a breakup pill to heal a broken heart, they would be instant millionaires!

 

At the moment I don't really know if we are broken up or not, we have spoken and I'm just giving him space, letting him know I'm there when he needs me and basically letting him come to me when he needs the support. He is slowly reaching out to me, and hopefully once the new meds take effect, he will be able to enjoy being in a relationship with me again.

[betterdeal]

Other's have said wise things about you and him, but I was struck by your statement that you don't have friends or family to turn to. This will have amplified the pressure on you during and after the break up. It is also something you may wish to work on whilst you are not pouring your energy into the relationship.