tigressA Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 BF and I were in the grocery store picking up a few things and he was on the phone with a friend of his who he hadn't talked to in awhile. After he got off I asked him, "Why'd you mention the apartment?" He said his friend was flying to NY from L.A. and asked if he could crash at BF's place for the night and he had said no because he only has a studio, I live with him and on top of that we're several hours away from NY. BF mentioned that his friend is flying out to meet some girl--but he already has a girlfriend back home, who he's been with for over a year. I said, "And...you didn't say anything to him about what he's doing?" BF said, "He's my friend, what he does isn't my business. I don't agree with it but I'm not going to tattle on him, particularly when I don't even know his girlfriend." What would you do in this situation? If you had a close friend who told you they were cheating on their SO/spouse, and you didn't know their SO/spouse at all--would you keep quiet? Would you tell? Would you be their confidant or tell them to take any news of their infidelities elsewhere?
jerbear Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 I would leave them alone. They are adults and can be able to handle their own problems. You just be their confidante and friend. Do tell them that you can't bail them out of their consequences.
Jazzari Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 I wouldn't tattle but it would certainly make me think less of them. I'd be willing to be their confidant if they were willing to listen to my honest opinion.
eerie_reverie Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 I'd think anyone who tattled was a real btcvh. It's really none of your business.
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 I would stand by my friend. At the end of the day, that's where my loyalty lies.
thatdog Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 I wouldn't tell But my friend wouldnt hear the end of it from me and he/she would definitely plummet in my opinion. generally speaking if it wasn't my best friend or close to it they would probably not be my friend for much longer. My best mate has never cheated on a gf but he did get involved in a married woman for a while and I let him know every time i saw him what I thought of his actions. He did end it eventually. He should have been stronger but from the time first spoke to him he said he would and actively tried to avoid her (he is very bad at confrontations).
Lilmisus Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 This pretty much happened to me. My best friend who is currently engaged and has been for almost two years now, was interested in cheating on her fiance for quite some time earlier this year. She was trying to get my ex and I to help her cheat by going out on double dates with her and other guys. Though at first I chose to just stay quiet and say that I trusted her judgment, I didn't stay quiet for long. My ex told me that if we went out with her and these guys or didn't say anything, then that would be condemning her cheating and he wouldn't stand for that. So, when she asked me to go out with her and a guy or two again, I told her how I felt. How I felt it was wrong, and that if she wanted to be engaged to him, then she needed to remain faithful to him. If she wanted to see other guys, then she could, but she'd have to breakup with her fiance in order to do that first, and that I wouldn't stand by and listen to her talk about these other guys or go out with her while she was still with him. Every time she mentioned any other guy beside her fiance, I would act very uninterested and push the subject of her fiance to an annoying level, until she got the hint that it wasn't cool at all. She's no longer considering cheating on him, and things are much better (last I heard).
johan Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 I would most likely cut off the friendship. I don't respect that, and by making me aware of it he would be making me an accomplice. I don't know how I could look the girl in the eye.
Star Gazer Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 Like Johan, I'd likely cut off the friendship. P.S. Why do people keep posting non-dating questions in this forum? This and many other threads belongs somewhere other than "dating." I'm finding it really annoying.
johan Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 Like Johan, I'd likely cut off the friendship. P.S. Why do people keep posting non-dating questions in this forum? This and many other threads belongs somewhere other than "dating." I'm finding it really annoying. Take another aspirin, Star.
zengirl Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 Re: sections Star Gazer, I think this is related to dating for tigressA because she's reacting to her BF's view on the situation as much as anything. I could see it here or "Cheating" but it's more about values in dating than actual cheating, so I get the logic. Now, the tipping thread, that's got no reason to be here. Re: cheating friends If it's my close friend, and I don't know their SO (i.e. wouldn't consider the SO a friend), I wouldn't say anything except to my friend. I wouldn't even badmouth them to a partner, likely (I might say something akin to what tigressA's boyfriend said, in that "I don't agree with it" but that's about it). I'd tell my friend I disagreed with their behavior when it came up. If that ended the friendship, so be it, but I'd never call them out on it in front of anyone else. I just don't operate that way. Loyalty first. However, if I was friends with the couple and one person stepped out, I'd first have to talk to the stepper-out and tell them that if they didn't stop the behavior or tell their SO, I would have to, as their SO is also my friend. In situations like this, I imagine I'd lose both friends and cut off all contact, as it's never going to go well for me or them. Way too much drama. I wouldn't think less of a person for staying WAY out of it; I just couldn't abide to see a friend cheated on.
phineas Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 I had a friend from work that was the guy who could go out whenever he wanted & bring a chick a home from the club. Then he started banging two different women from work. While still pulling club rats. I stopped hanging with him. But, as far as I know, the people I have kept as my true friends arn't the type to do that. I guess the question to Tigress is, if one of her GF's were stepping out on her man what would she do?
Author tigressA Posted April 24, 2011 Author Posted April 24, 2011 Re: sections Star Gazer, I think this is related to dating for tigressA because she's reacting to her BF's view on the situation as much as anything. I could see it here or "Cheating" but it's more about values in dating than actual cheating, so I get the logic. Now, the tipping thread, that's got no reason to be here. Re: cheating friends If it's my close friend, and I don't know their SO (i.e. wouldn't consider the SO a friend), I wouldn't say anything except to my friend. I wouldn't even badmouth them to a partner, likely (I might say something akin to what tigressA's boyfriend said, in that "I don't agree with it" but that's about it). I'd tell my friend I disagreed with their behavior when it came up. If that ended the friendship, so be it, but I'd never call them out on it in front of anyone else. I just don't operate that way. Loyalty first. However, if I was friends with the couple and one person stepped out, I'd first have to talk to the stepper-out and tell them that if they didn't stop the behavior or tell their SO, I would have to, as their SO is also my friend. In situations like this, I imagine I'd lose both friends and cut off all contact, as it's never going to go well for me or them. Way too much drama. I wouldn't think less of a person for staying WAY out of it; I just couldn't abide to see a friend cheated on. I generally agree with this. I've been in this scenario before--going both ways. I have a really close friend who at one point was cheating on her short-term BF with her ex. I knew her BF, but only because he had started hanging out with us when they started dating, so my loyalty was to her. In that situation, I didn't tell the guy but I did tell my friend that I didn't agree with what she was doing, and I didn't want to hear about her ex-escapades. Whenever she told me I would say, "So are you going to 'fess up or what?" Not too long after, they broke up but as far as I know, he still doesn't know what happened. When I cheated on my long-term ex, I told a couple of my friends but I didn't give them a chance to tell my SO because I told him the day after I did it. I don't think they would've told him though, as they only knew him through me and they weren't really "friends" with him.
mr.dream merchant Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 I wouldn't say anything personally. Would be pretty upset if a friend of mine told my GF I was cheating on her. :/
johan Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 However, if I was friends with the couple and one person stepped out, I'd first have to talk to the stepper-out and tell them that if they didn't stop the behavior or tell their SO, I would have to, as their SO is also my friend. That wouldn't work for me. If you know it has already happened once, then you're in on the lie. Even if they cave in to your threat and stop. You still have to look the one who was betrayed in the eye and pretend you don't know.
Woggle Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 I don't agree with cheating at all but I doubt I would rat out my closest friends for murder so I sure wouldn't snitch for cheating.
freestyle Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 That wouldn't work for me. If you know it has already happened once, then you're in on the lie. Even if they cave in to your threat and stop. You still have to look the one who was betrayed in the eye and pretend you don't know. That's the part I can't stomach---I just had to drop a friend of many years, because I found out she was repeatedly mate-poaching. I refrained from judging the 1st time she was an OW--but when I found out about the 2nd time, I started looking at her differently.... I ran into the betrayed party a couple of months after I found out, and I felt very uncomfortable, and had a hard time looking her in the eye, knowing what I did. So-- I really resent my friend for putting me in that position, of having to be dishonest---it's not my nature. And, I just found out that she came on to one of my closest male friends, who's married and has a young child. He turned her down--but at this point, I'm disgusted with her--she knows his wife. I'd rather make new friends that have a similar moral compass--I don't enjoy being an accomplice, or getting dragged into drama that isn't mine.
D-Lish Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 I've been in that situation. I had 2 married gf's that carried on affairs, and I have a room mate that has a gf that he isn't faithful to. I don't agree with cheating, but I try not to judge people. I base my friendships on how well they treat me. I've known my gf's my entire life- so I lended them an ear whenever they needed it. The only thing I refused to do was be a party to what they were doing. One time my gf told her husband she was staying at my place when she was out with her bf. he called me in the morning and of course I had no clue she had said she was staying with me (nor would I allowed her to use me in that way had she asked). I made it clear I was never going to be a party to the cheating. My advice to my friends that have cheated has always been to end the relationship and seek out happiness. In the case of my gf's, they were unhappy in their marriages- they were lonley in their relationships and I always encouraged them to leave the situation- but i've never found it my place to judge. Don't start worrying that just because your bf has a friend that does this that he condones it or does the same thing in his relationships. My friends do a lot of things I don't agree with and would never participate in myself. I know I do things they don't agree with- and they'll often tell me so or offer guidance. I've had friends that have judged me, and those friendships rarely lasted long.
zengirl Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 That wouldn't work for me. If you know it has already happened once, then you're in on the lie. Even if they cave in to your threat and stop. You still have to look the one who was betrayed in the eye and pretend you don't know. In that instance, I don't think you would necessarily. It would be something I'd say as soon as I learned (to the cheater) pretty much. I think it's always more productive to give that person a chance to confess, rather than tattle on them. It's the same way I approach problems between my students.
sally4sara Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 A friend that lives far from me cheating on a BF/GF I've never met? I probably wouldn't hunt down their SO to rat them out. I would be super pissed if the friend tried to tap me for help in pulling it off. They would know I was pissed about it too. But a friend that is local cheating on an SO I might have to be or am around? That "friend" would be soooo busted! The thing about sneaks and liars is they eventually get around to lying to you too. I don't believe that they were a good, honorable person till one day - they just went bad. Nah. They were dishonorable all along.
johan Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 In that instance, I don't think you would necessarily. It would be something I'd say as soon as I learned (to the cheater) pretty much. I think it's always more productive to give that person a chance to confess, rather than tattle on them. It's the same way I approach problems between my students. I misread your first post the first time. I agree with what you said though.
betterdeal Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 Ugh. I like to think that if I knew both parties as friends, then I'd make it clear I was unhappy being told about it thus made complicit and my integrity being tarnished. If I don't know both, much easier to say "I hope you know what you're doing" and leave it at that. The less I know, the better.
Kelemort Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 Especially if I knew both people in the couple, I'd for sure have to break off the relationship. I wouldn't want to keep a lie from the partner and to pretend I don't know that they're getting hurt. I wouldn't condone the cheating. If a friend called me to tell me she was cheating, of course I'd grant my honest opinion. I wouldn't go out with her and this guy, and I'd ask her not to tell me anything more about it, as I don't need nor want to know. And from there, the decision is hers. I'd never tell anybody else.
carhill Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 In the two instances I've personally been aware of, I suggested marriage counseling and shared that one of the abject betrayals of my own M was the sharing of our personal marital business with long-time friends, similar to what I was/am to these people and that I think it best that such information be kept between the marital partners and/or discussed with a neutral third-party professional. I didn't like that my best friend, amongst others who looked me in the eye, knew the details of my bedroom and financial life spun by my now exW. Not good at all. So, I told the ladies to keep their counsel and get help and that I wouldn't be listening any further.
reservoirdog1 Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 Wow, what a dilemma. And it's a shytty position for somebody to put their friend in. Being good friends with somebody for years means that you're probaby going to experience them doing dumb, thoughtless or questionable things at least once. And a close friendship -- i.e. for guys, having a friend for whom you'd take a bullet, or who you figure would do that for you -- isn't something to be taken lightly or disposed of easily. I think my approach -- especially where the friend's SO is also a friend of mine -- would be to tell my friend that I'm not going to judge them, but that I'm not going to be any kind of alibi, aid/abet the cheating, or lie for them. Which also applies to any questions the SO may ask me. The cheating will be the friend's business, not mine, and I want it kept away from my life and our friendship. I would probably also say to my friend that, when (not if) the situation inevitably blows up in his/her face, I'll be there as a friend.
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