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7 months out - sex w/ another man - still hung up on ex

makelemonade1974

By makelemonade1974
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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makelemonade1974 Established Member

makelemonade1974

Posted
Posted

So I guess I need to just not date. I have a good male friend and I thought maybe something would happen with us, but I can't deal with it. I was supposed to spend the weekend with him and I stayed one night (yep, had sex - emotionless sex) and then bailed (like wanted to literally RUN). I still talk about my ex all the time - can't get him out of my head. I am just stuck.

 

Anybody 7 months out and still feeling like your heart is broken forever? I'm doing everything right - or at least everything people are telling me to do. I just feel like my ex is the only man in the world. And I know he's never coming back to me. Maybe I'm supposed to be alone forever? Maybe this was my one chance at love?

 

Might be overreacting just a bit - I'm really good at that - but I thought sex with someone else would cure me. It didn't. And now I feel worse. Yay.

 

Why can't I just go back in time and erase his existence. And I work with him. Woo hoo. He is not going away. He's always going to be there happy and hating me, while I'm wishing I could just touch him one more time - run my hands through his hair. And he's a jerk! Hurt me, cheated on me, abused me. WTF is my deal??

Kilty Established Member

Kilty

Posted
Posted

Sorry to hear of your situation.

 

I am a year out and feel the way you do too however my situation is totally different in that it was me that walked away without trying till it was too late.

 

I have also had a couple of flings to try and straighten myself out 6 months down the line but they didnt work and i was back to square 1.

 

The question is though why would you want to go back to someone who cheated and abused you ?

 

Did he play mind games while you were together which has lowered your self esteem ?

 

I know of someone who was constantly cheated on and physically abused for years but put up with it.

 

He made her feel worthless to such an extent that she believed she would never get another man and that was his hold on her.

 

Even when he eventually left her for someone else she seriously considered taking him back for the kids sake.

 

Do you see how that kind of mental torture can work ?

 

A lot of females always go for the bad guy and only a properly trained psychologist can explain that one - maybe it's the danger thats an excitement rather than a nice, caring, safe partner.

 

Id say you are probably just missing what you were used to especially if you were together a long time.

 

It's not surprising the good friend you had sex with didnt work out - its highly unusual for "good friends" to become compatible sexual partners especially when you have been friends for a while, otherwise they wouldnt be just your "good friend" in the first instance.

 

There has to be a sexual chemistry there and im sure you will meet someone that fits that bill soon - someone new and mysterious :)

 

But more importantly - never sell your self short and go back to a cheater or an abuser under ANY circumstances because there is nothing surer than it happening all over again.

 

Some women put up with it because they are desperate and fearful of finding someone else - i doubt that is the case with you.

 

Nostalgia is a wonderful thing - but not when it comes to ex partners

Hhhh Established Member

Hhhh

Posted
Posted

It's been eight months for me, I am also still stuck. I have NC the whole time but I can't seem to move on. I defiantly healed a bit, and learned how to live with the pain but i still think about her everyday, I miss the life I had with her. I am still staying strong, I guess it just takes longer for us to heal, but I am always Hopeful I will meet somebody new when I am ready. What I am trying to say is keep your head up you never know what is coming. There's a saying "if you ever want to make god laugh, tell him your plans in life" life never turns out the way you plan it

poorguy Established Member

poorguy

Posted
Posted

I know how you all feel because I feel sort of the same way. I've done the same thing Lemonade has done (only more) and for some reason I'm still thinking of her. There has to be an actual reason as to why. If I find out i'll tell everyone. If one of you guys do-please tell. I'm tired of this

VJohnson32 Established Member

VJohnson32

Posted
Posted

It takes time, believe it or not it might even take up to a year.

Don't make stupid mistakes by going out there and dating again. We have become such sissies that we cant stand being alone for more than a few months. The time span between my relationships is about 5 years. I remember my life before I met my ex and it was wonderful and enjoyed it. Until I get to that mindset again I am not dating again. Casual hook ups, yes but nothing beyond that. You cant have the same sexual experience as you have had with your ex for the simple reason your still healing. Until you get healed completely you might as well use sex for stress relieving purposes. ;)

I'm 28 and had only 2 serious long term relationships. I read on here pretty much every thread I see and its mostly young college kids that jump from relationship to another then they wonder what went wrong down the years.

 

I came across a great article few weeks ago regarding monophobia. Im afraid a great number of people suffer from this but they don't know they have it and its one of the reasons why relationships don't last.

 

http://www.articlesbase.com/health-articles/monophobia-and-your-relationship-4475173.html

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makelemonade1974 Established Member

makelemonade1974

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Posted (edited)

I agree that we need to just be comfortable being alone. In some cases - short, less intense relationships perhaps - a new person will heal your pain. But I think if you were truly in love and truly invested in your partner, it's going to take a good long while to get past the pain.

 

I heard a rule once - it takes half the time you were in the relationship to get over it. If that is the truth, I've got about 8 more months to go. In the meantime, I won't be getting involved with any other men (at least unless I the world moves beneath my feet when he kisses me - no more apathetic sex), I'm going on a hiking trip to the Amazon rainforest, getting a tattoo that reminds me never to go back to that man, writing an article, a ton of poetry, starting a blog, getting back into running competitively, and spending more time with my beautiful children - taking them hiking in the mountains at least once a week since the weather's nice.

 

Somebody told me once that nobody can "fix" me - I have to do the work myself. And he was right. I agree with V about the monophobia thing. I am in some ways scared I will be alone forever, but I have to come to terms with that - it's unlikely. And I do need to be completely healed from this man. His abuse was near the end - and the extent of the mind games he was playing was not clear until the relationship was over. I need to realize that no matter how good the sex was, no matter how well I know him, no matter how "comfortable" he was to me, that he is utter poison.

 

Freedom is a beautiful thing and I'm going to embrace it.

Edited by makelemonade1974
Fufu Established Member

Fufu

Posted
Posted

Don't push yourself so hard.

 

It takes time, although I do accept my ex is not coming back for me, but on and off at times I still feel the ache in my heart.

 

Still, even when there's pain, sadness and tears, we are always still moving on and moving forward.

Movingthrough Established Member

Movingthrough

Posted
Posted
I agree that we need to just be comfortable being alone. In some cases - short, less intense relationships perhaps - a new person will heal your pain. But I think if you were truly in love and truly invested in your partner, it's going to take a good long while to get past the pain.

 

I heard a rule once - it takes half the time you were in the relationship to get over it. If that is the truth, I've got about 8 more months to go. In the meantime, I won't be getting involved with any other men (at least unless I the world moves beneath my feet when he kisses me - no more apathetic sex), I'm going on a hiking trip to the Amazon rainforest, getting a tattoo that reminds me never to go back to that man, writing an article, a ton of poetry, starting a blog, getting back into running competitively, and spending more time with my beautiful children - taking them hiking in the mountains at least once a week since the weather's nice.

 

Somebody told me once that nobody can "fix" me - I have to do the work myself. And he was right. I agree with V about the monophobia thing. I am in some ways scared I will be alone forever, but I have to come to terms with that - it's unlikely. And I do need to be completely healed from this man. His abuse was near the end - and the extent of the mind games he was playing was not clear until the relationship was over. I need to realize that no matter how good the sex was, no matter how well I know him, no matter how "comfortable" he was to me, that he is utter poison.

 

Freedom is a beautiful thing and I'm going to embrace it.

 

Hey lemonade.

 

I do know what you are going through. The other day i actually had almost a little party for myself because i really feel done with mine, but like any human, i still think about it every now and then. My question to you is what is making you hold on? Is it because he is ignoring you? I only ask because from your other posts he seems almost not your type, very immature.

 

I know for me my ex is not my type, i know that now, but i can also admit that i think of her and hurt for her sometimes. I have come to terms that its probably because she is with someone else and the feeling of being so "easily" replaced is what hurts.

 

Make sure to put things in their place, know that you are feeling a certain way because of xyz, not because you actually still love him. Personally i dont think you still do, but the fact that it has been a weird journey for you since it ended makes it hard (like with mine).

EasyHeart Established Member

EasyHeart

Posted
Posted
I agree that we need to just be comfortable being alone. In some cases - short, less intense relationships perhaps - a new person will heal your pain. But I think if you were truly in love and truly invested in your partner, it's going to take a good long while to get past the pain.

 

I heard a rule once - it takes half the time you were in the relationship to get over it. If that is the truth, I've got about 8 more months to go. In the meantime, I won't be getting involved with any other men (at least unless I the world moves beneath my feet when he kisses me - no more apathetic sex), I'm going on a hiking trip to the Amazon rainforest, getting a tattoo that reminds me never to go back to that man, writing an article, a ton of poetry, starting a blog, getting back into running competitively, and spending more time with my beautiful children - taking them hiking in the mountains at least once a week since the weather's nice.

 

Somebody told me once that nobody can "fix" me - I have to do the work myself. And he was right. I agree with V about the monophobia thing. I am in some ways scared I will be alone forever, but I have to come to terms with that - it's unlikely. And I do need to be completely healed from this man. His abuse was near the end - and the extent of the mind games he was playing was not clear until the relationship was over. I need to realize that no matter how good the sex was, no matter how well I know him, no matter how "comfortable" he was to me, that he is utter poison.

 

Freedom is a beautiful thing and I'm going to embrace it.

ZOMG, poor Lemonade!!! :sick:

 

I was thinking of you yesterday because I was expecting to hear stories about your night of wild passion with the guy who doesn't like BJs. I'm sad that you feel so bad.

 

Take your time and don't put a timetable on yourself. You'll know when you're better and there's no point in trying to rush it. Or in beating yourself up about. Be strong, be proud and have fun. All of those ideas sound really good (except the tattoo-one. Ick!!!). Can I come with you to the rainforest? I'm quiet and I don't eat much and I would be a lot of fun!

 

PS: And spend time with ALL of you children, not just the beautiful ones. Sheesh, you sound like my mom!!! :p

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