geegirl Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Although i'm doing much better, sometimes this NC gets to burning me in my chest. I lost someone who was close, even though she went bad. The NC will burn. Going through a break up is like death. You are losing someone important and dear in your life. We all have to go through that demise. I lost someone whom I loved with all my heart. I would have taken a bullet for that man. But he went bad too. It's beyond our control. We must accept that this is who they want to be and who they really are. We mourn the loss of what we thought we had. But after the tears, your strength will come and soon it will be a distant memory. And you will probably think fondly of her when thinking of all the good times but it won't hurt you anymore. But you must try and let go of that fantasy. Believe the reality of who your ex is.
Sweet_T Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 I still feel a bit stuck at times, she still consumes my thoughts but I'm focused on moving on and forgetting about her, I've accepted there is never going to be a friendship for a multitude of reasons. That's where a lot of people screw up. You can not be friends with someone you were in love with for so long after a break up. At least not so soon after.
Author fetish Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 good to hear of your triumph geegirl as I know the ending of your relationship must've been devastating. It takes alot of strength to finally say, "No More". You speak very encouraging words and i 'm motivated on how well you've gotten back up after falling down. I've been meeting with this counselor about twice a month since the breakup, who's been helping through this by reminding me who I was dealing with and there's no way to have changed her. Over the last couple of months, she would continue to text me and sometimes i'd mess up by falling for a few crumbs and guilt trips she'd send me talking about, "I miss you and you act like you want absolutely nothing to do with me!" It made me feel guilty because i really wasn't ready for her to leave my life like that after 8 years, so i'd break NC and say something like "It's not that. I'm trying to regroup!" Before i knew it, we'd be on friendly conversation everytime she initiated contact. I actually had started working out in January before we broke up. When we broke up in February, i wanted to stop because my spirits were so low. I started back reading on Loveshack and saw JasonRules post on how he was dealing with his breakup at the time by going to the gym 2 hrs/day. I was so scared of returning back to my dark, lonley aparrtment (that my ex had just moved out of), i stayed in the gym for more than 2 hrs everyday. I've continued to go to the gym but now, 2 hrs/day. I've been reading books on coping, social dating, and regaining "Self Esteem" because my self esteem really took a toll through this all. I've even started back songwriting, although i haven't really been doing it as consistently as I'd like. I even started meeting people at church groups, stuff i never did before! So i've been doing things, or at least trying to do things for myself, but there's moments where i slip back in to thinking, "Wow! She's never gone this long w/out contacting me! She's definitely slipping further away!" This little bit of doubt makes me feel like i'm taking 10 steps backward and i'm in the dumps again. The crazy thing is, I don't even necessarily want my ex back knowing how selfish and reckless she is, but i still miss the bond we had at one point. This isn't even my first broken heart, but i always managed to get on with life alot faster.
geegirl Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 So i've been doing things, or at least trying to do things for myself, but there's moments where i slip back in to thinking, "Wow! She's never gone this long w/out contacting me! She's definitely slipping further away!" This little bit of doubt makes me feel like i'm taking 10 steps backward and i'm in the dumps again. The crazy thing is, I don't even necessarily want my ex back knowing how selfish and reckless she is, but i still miss the bond we had at one point. This isn't even my first broken heart, but i always managed to get on with life alot faster. That's great progress Fetish. It's good to hear that you are heeding advice and trying. That's already a big step to recovery. Slipping into those moments is perfectly normal. I still do that here and there. What matters is that you don't react and you don't dwell. Ok, those little devils will pop up here and there. Let them pop up in your mind but then you quickly counter them with the reality of the situation. Tell yourself 1) so what if she hasn't contacted me, it's best this way because I am determined to move on and not let her derail me 2) So what if she is slipping away, I don't want to be with someone who abuses me emotionally and mentally, I want someone who loves me, cares for me, etc...you get my drift. You must counter the negative and defeating thoughts with empowering thoughts. You feel like you are taking ten steps back because when you get these thoughts, you dwell and feed them with the analyzing and pondering. Then you feel you are slowly sinking. The moment you get a devil sitting on your shoulder, brush him off! Replace it by telling yourself what you want in a new relationship, what you want in your new partner, what you want for your future. Focus on you and the future. No more of this why she did that, why she did this, etc. Sometimes the more toxic and damaging the relationship, the harder it is to get over because you are left with so many unanswered questions and mostly you are confused by your partner's shift in behavior leaving you lost and consumed with trying to make sense of it all. So you dwell and obsess and you do this for a long time never realizing that you will never find the answers. It's like trying to fill a bucket full of holes with water. No end to it. You just have to accept the bucket has holes and will never be able to hold water. You will miss that bond. No matter what they did to you, you will miss them and that bond, for awhile. It's normal. You shared your life with them and you had hopes and dreams. It's not easy to let go of that and it won't happen overnight. Part of you wants to let go, part of you holds on. But as time goes on, and you stay NC, you will gain clarity and while you may remember that bond you had with this person, it won't hurt you anymore. You will slowly let go. Give yourself time. Encourage yourself to heal. Stay NC. It will be your saviour. Post here when you are discouraged. Or maybe you should start posting about your recovery and things you are doing as a step towards focusing on you.
Author fetish Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 (edited) Yeah geegirl. You're absolutely right. maybe i need to start focusing and posting about my progress rather posting about when i'm feeling like crap. We all get hurt and its part of life, but its important what we do with the pain and if we choose to "dwell" on it like you say. I guess I don't give myself enough credit for the progress I have made but its like sometimes I subconciously try to stay miserable. It's like the voices in my head start going to work on me saying "You're fooling yourself if you think that you can be happy!" "You shouldn't be happy because you're back out here in the single life after 8 years with someone!" "You should've married her without any doubts!" "No one's perfect." "You all shared so many memories" Yes i know it's stupid and those voices truly are devils. I have to realize i was in an emotionally abusive relationship that was unhealthy. I always felt like i was walking on eggshells and when I stood up to her about the gambling, she couldn't take it. I really like your posts. They make sense. You and Graceful (another great L/S poster) on here have really been helpful and you don't know how much i appreciate it. And sweet T. LTR is long term relationship. Edited May 6, 2011 by fetish
geegirl Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Yes, start focusing on your journey now. You're taking the right steps. Post here as if you are journaling. Or just journal on your own. A month from now, you can flip the pages and see how far you've come and that will give you more determination to propel yourself forward. In a sense, charting your progress. And when you see the progress, it will show you proof that you are moving forward and it will reinforce the fact that YOU ARE MAKING IT. When I was coming out of my dark place, there would be times I would be fine and well. Suddenly my mind will go, "Oh, you haven't cried or thought about him in awhile." Then it will start..."Oh, I miss him. Oh, I feel so sad, I wish I was with him. Why doesn't he want me?" and on and on and on. And then before you know it I am crying and broken again. It's almost as if I had to go back to feeling miserable like I always was. After all I was feeling that way for so long, it's as if my mind was telling me, "hey, this feels different, you need to go back to what you've always been doing." That's why you need to reprogram your thoughts and your actions. The mind is a very powerful thing. It's functioning through habit. Dwelling is habit forming. Obsessing is habit forming. Break those bad habits. Kill those little devils! Any type of abuse is hard to get over. It damages your self esteem and it drains you leaving you empty. That's why it takes longer in these types of Rs to recover and regain yourself. But you will recover. It won't always be this way. It won't because you won't let it! You are making progress Fetish. Keep doing what you are doing. You will stumble here and there but you're still putting one foot infront of the other. You could easily be laying in bed, depressed and hating life. But you're not doing that. You're functioning and you are taking all the right steps. Keep going. One foot infront of the other!
Author fetish Posted May 7, 2011 Author Posted May 7, 2011 geegirl. How long was your r/l ship again? And forgot to tell you the "bucket of water with holes" analogy... genious.
Fufu Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 geegirl is right Focus on your life and you are actually making great process.
Author fetish Posted May 7, 2011 Author Posted May 7, 2011 geegirl is right Focus on your life and you are actually making great process. Thanks fufu. One thing i noticed that i've caught myself doing over the last 3 months is wondering what she's doing to deal with this and how? I do believe that is a mistake and its trecherous to my healiing, but it is something that i do think about.
Fufu Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 Thanks fufu. One thing i noticed that i've caught myself doing over the last 3 months is wondering what she's doing to deal with this and how? I do believe that is a mistake and its trecherous to my healiing, but it is something that i do think about. Start to encourage to focus your thoughts away from her and to yourself. I find dumpees put too much energy and focus on their exes, which can be very unhealthy for ourselves in long run.
geegirl Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 R was 5 years. I was also married for 7 and I never thought I would recover from that.
geegirl Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 Thanks fufu. One thing i noticed that i've caught myself doing over the last 3 months is wondering what she's doing to deal with this and how? I do believe that is a mistake and its trecherous to my healiing, but it is something that i do think about. It's normal to think but you must snap yourself out of it and shift that focus and energy on you. 3 months you have been doing that and what has it given you -- nothing. Its not changed a thing and it wont if you keep on the same path. It's just kept you stuck. You've spent enough time being unhappy. Time to change your patterns and outlook on life.
Author fetish Posted May 8, 2011 Author Posted May 8, 2011 Start to encourage to focus your thoughts away from her and to yourself. I find dumpees put too much energy and focus on their exes, which can be very unhealthy for ourselves in long run. we mutually decided to end our r/l, but she cut the umbilicol chord when she darted that door. In the past, whenever we'd get in arguments, she'd try to manipulate and threaten me saying she'd leave. When i got into it w/ her about the gambling back in June last year, she blew up and went to stay at her girlfriends for a night. There was a couple of times i chased after her but i noticed that it became a pattern. I warned her not to ever threaten me. She kept trying me like she didn't believe me. February was the final straw. She said she was moving out after an intense argument the night before about her gambling and a missed car payment. I told her this ain't working out. The next day she packed up some clothes in 3 trash bags and left. She was talking about we can't work this out. I said i agree. When we talked next, she said, "You didn't even try to stop me from leaving. We couldve rekindled but its already been 3 weeks." I knew she wanted me to beg but i told her i was through with it. She said we could still have a relationship and date night on weekends. I told her i wasn't ready, but really I was done. R was 5 years. I was also married for 7 and I never thought I would recover from that. So geegirl, you've been through it all plus some and recovered. Here i am acting like my situation is sooo bad and like i'm the only one. I know i'm not, but i tend to act like i am sometimes. So how long after your marriage ended did you decide to wait and give another r/l another chance?
geegirl Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 So geegirl, you've been through it all plus some and recovered. Here i am acting like my situation is sooo bad and like i'm the only one. I know i'm not, but i tend to act like i am sometimes. So how long after your marriage ended did you decide to wait and give another r/l another chance? Don't say that Fetish. You are entitled to feel the way you feel. Your situation is your own and no one can tell you whether it's trivial or significant. Everyone's situation is different. Ask for help when you need it. I waited for about 2 years before I started seriously dating again. I was very broken from the divorce so I was mostly afraid to put myself out there again. I thought I would never come out of my depression. But I did. Looking back, I can't believe I spent all that time invested grieving for someone who didn't care about me. Applying the same lessons to my recent break up too.
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