Back to NC and feeling crappy again

[fetish]

I know i made a mistake but my ex and i broke up 2 1/2 months ago. Been feeling crappy. Went NC immediately and eventually fell for some breadcrumbs and guilt text messages saying she still loved me and wanted to have a relationship. When i didn't reply, she'd say" So i guess you don't want anything to do w/me. You don't love me anymore!" But i couldn't forget that she moved out in the middle of our lease resulting in our ending our engagement after i approached her of an ongoing gambling problem. So we've been pretty LC for over the last month.

 

Anywany, i've seen her a couple of times since the b/u, had sex maybe once. I guess i made it available because i was still as confused as she was and still missed her. Anyway, i saw her last week for my birthday, she said she wanted to see me. We met for pizza. I kind of wanted to see her anyway since it was my first birthday without her in 8 years.

 

That night, she accidently called me "Babe" and then tried to correct it. Then she said " I don't care i'm a call you babe if i want to!" I asked her, "Why we're not together?" She then joked "I'll call you whatever i want. I'll call you bonehead if i want to!"

 

Later on throughout the night, I was reminded by why we broke up. Mind you, She didn't even want me to come pick her up. She said she wasn't ready for me to know where she lived because she's afraid that i would get mad at her and take her car (that i cosigned for 2 years ago). She got behind in january without telling me which marked my credit. That was part of what led up to our break up. Plus, she started just reverting back to her selfish ways after being around her too long.

 

Now i've been in NC since last saturday (7 days). She sent me a message on Mon (5 days ago) saying that she has bronchitus from smoking. I never replied. Haven't heard from her since. Even though i know she's selfish, manipulative, bad with money, gambler. I guess i miss the ego boost she was giving me the last week with her text messages saying "I miss you!" (which i never replied to and she tried to guilt me on that too later)

 

I know i can't rely on anyone to make me feel good but i'm finding myself somewhat caring and backsliding a little as i haven't heard from her. I know i can't be with someone like her because she's a runner. She never wanted to talk about problems and tried to carry on like luvey duvey after the break up, but never addressed the isssues in the relationship. But hearing from her did ease the pain a little.

 

Any advice? NC i know is the way to go, but some little part of me is thinking the more NC, the more she'll be slipping away and after 2 1/2 months of a 8 year RL, i guess that kind of bothers me still.

[fetish]

c'mon ls. hurtin'. need some input.

[Fufu]

NC is for yourself solely only, not about getting her back.

 

It hurts, but I can tell you it does get better.

[sonic3]

For the initial stage of NC for me, I was quite confused about weather it was the right thing to do.

 

Logically, I knew this was not the right girl for me and the relationship was never going to work but I kept having conflicting feelings that if I don't maintain contact she will slip away and I'll lose her from my life altogether.

 

It took some time before I fully accepted things and made the move from wanting to get her back, to wanting her out of my life and moving on.

 

In saying this though, I haven't had any contact with her in over 5 weeks, but I know if I spoke to her, or even worse - seen her, I would be back to square one so I can imagine how you feel.

 

I'm dubious about even talking to people in contact with her, I don't want to know anything about her, I don't think I can handle it yet, total NC seems to be the only way to go really.

 

I still feel a bit stuck at times, she still consumes my thoughts but I'm focused on moving on and forgetting about her, I've accepted there is never going to be a friendship for a multitude of reasons.

Edited April 24, 2011 by sonic3

[fetish]

thanks for the support guys. fufu, i know nc is really for myself, and in my heart, i know she's not the right girl for me.

 

I often struggle with letting go of the past and past memories. I mean 8 years with a person is a long time. I feel i should be ready to move on and start dating again, but i think that would just make me miss my ex more.

 

I'm so confused and don't know what to do. It's like i can't really eat or have any energy to do anything. I've been talking to a counselor and for a while i thought i was doing better, but seems ever since friday (Apr 22), i'm back to caring and missing her again.

 

This girl was so selfish and had addictive behaviors which tore us apart. I'n thinking to myself, why do i care if i ever hear from her again when i know she's bad news? It's like i'm trynig to be miserable.

 

Any more input would be greatly appreciated.

[Graceful]

Hiya Fetish,

 

Not sure what to say to you. I don't know if you realize that you have to put all of your strength and effort into staying NC and I'm not sure you're doing that. Not sure you understand that "no pain, no gain" either. You know, when you're going through hell ... keep going. How else do you expect to get to the other side?

 

i know she's not the right girl for me. I often struggle with letting go of the past and past memories. I mean 8 years with a person is a long time. I feel i should be ready to move on and start dating again, but i think that would just make me miss my ex more.

Your ex is clearly not right for you, and you know that. So all you're saying here is that you're in your comfort zone with her, nothing more. Means nothing in the way of a future, means nothing in the way of a healthy relationship and if you ask me, dwelling on the 8 years should by now be making you furious with the very thought of wasting another day on someone and a relationship that is taking you no where but down. She brings you down, she puts you down, she's headed down in her life, it's all negative.

 

So how this gives you an ego boost, I have no idea. I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but it's all part of that old enabling behavior that you are used to b/c your ex has a gambling addiction and you enabled her for a long time. If you can't see that by now, then you need to do more reading, go to a 12-step meeting or do some of the things that have already been suggested to you here. Talk to your counselor about what else you could be doing.

 

You need to get it through your head that 8 years went down the drain, it's not the end of the world, it's not the end of your life, it's not the end of ever finding someone new, it's not the end. Period. If you cannot see a future with someone after that period of time, there is no if, and or but -- it's over. Done and done. I honestly don't understand why you continue to dwell on the length of your relationship as an excuse, when it should be the very REASON that compels you to stay away from her. Quantity is not a reason to stay with someone. You have no quality to your relationship, it eroded over time, it did not evolve. Not only that, but your ex had to practically threaten you to get you to propose in the first place.

 

She made an ultimatum for a proposal. What kind of relationship requires that? You should have been doing hand stands, running around tripping over yourself with excitement to propose. Not being given an ultimatum. That is no way to proceed with an engagement, IMHO. So you must have had second thoughts from the very start. That's not the way it should be.

 

To me, a couple of years is sufficient to know if someone is right for you. The very idea you stayed in a relationship that long that resulted in something this destructive tells me all I need to know with regard to your current expectations because you are badly hurt and have no idea how to start over. I don't blame you. So just take one day at a time for now, stay away, go NC and stop convincing yourself that there is anything other than sick, manipulative, twisted, unhealthy behavior coming from you ex, and the further you stay away from her, the better. Stop listening to her like she is normal. She is not normal. Until you can get that through your head and stop using "normal" rationale to deal with her, you will continue to slide. It's okay to feel bad, it's okay to feel terrible, just stay away from her and stop using every excuse in the book to allow her to treat you like you are a doormat, because including what she did on your birthday, that is what it looks like. She's playing you. Please stop letting her do that and take charge of yourself and your life. Seriously. Please, I don't know how to stress this enough, but you are allowing this, it's not her fault, it's your own fault. Take responsibility and the sooner the better.

 

This girl was so selfish and had addictive behaviors which tore us apart. I'n thinking to myself, why do i care if i ever hear from her again when i know she's bad news? It's like i'm trynig to be miserable.

BINGO.

 

Miss her, be miserable, be anything you want. Just start facing the truth, and as long as you keep NC, you're not going through anything that everyone else doesn't go through. Join the club.

[fetish]

Hey Graceful,

 

Thanks for still checking in on me.

 

Your advice is always helpful and wakes me up a little. I've actually been coping with this by reading my previous threads rather than starting new ones. I guess as time passes on since the break up, i start getting a little fearful.

 

The fact that she's trying to hide where she lives from me in fear that i'll get mad and take her car tells me to be on the lookout that she'll give me a reason to. Its almost feels like she'll know she'll get behind on the car payments again. Little does she know, it's not hard to find out where she lives.

 

Oh and Graceful, since you're familiar with the story, you remember when i said she was keeping the $250.00 auto deposits to the joint account we had? She initially said she was going to keep that going until August. Well, recently she said she needs money and might have to stop it soon. Just a reminder that she can't keep her word and also a reminder that she can't manage her funds. I was putting that money aside to cover her upcoming car payments anyway, not even to help me with the rent. I've actually been managing the rent. I only have about 3 months left on this lease.

 

I know the ego boost claim is a bad choice of words. I really mean to say that i feel good when i know she misses me because i want her to miss me. Not because i want to get back with her, but because i want her to realize that she had a man who genuinely cared for her.

 

After being broken up for a while, mixed feelings have gone through my head to where I remember when times were good. It sometimes caused me to phase out the negative things. I had written them down in a journal. Wrote down that she got behind on a car note, didn't tell me about it, continued to go gamble, AND talked trash to me about it when i confronted her which led to our break up.

 

She recently has told me that she hasn't been going to the gameroom. She had told me she went to the casino 2 weeks before that and not won any $ but "broke even". Not that i really believe anything she says because if she had lost, she probably wouldn't have told me. I'm just going to have to take it one day @ a time and stick NC. She actuallly did text me :Happy Easter" today but haven't texted back. first couple of years, things were great. I was 25, she was 21 and still in college. I wasn't ready to get married at that time and i didn't think she was ready either as a college student, even though she had said she was.

[Graceful]

No problem, Fetish. But just remember, no trust, no relationship. The very fact she feels the need to tell you about her casino trips and what they entail, tells you all you need to know. This is all part of addictive behavior, just like an alcoholic will check in and tell you that he hasn't had a drink, like he's accountable to you. She's not accountable to you anymore, and if she says something like that, you need to tell her that she's not accountable to you and that it's her issue and her problem. And you're right, she's not being truthful anyhow.

 

It's not the life you want. I honestly understand how hard this is, but if you don't extricate yourself from this person, you'll go down along with her, and you know that. A relationship with her doesn't stand an iceberg's chance in hell. Sad, I know. And frankly, an addict really doesn't care about anybody but themselves, and the last person that you need to miss you, is someone who has used you for your kindness. She doesn't even respect you, so what does it matter if she misses you?

 

The person you want to miss you left a long, long time ago, the person you're dealing with is not the person you fell in love with. She's long gone. Just remember that. That's the problem with a LTR that has ended badly, you figure out you're living in the past, and you need to let go. Relationship gone. Person gone. That's the reality you have to put into focus. Sorry.

[fetish]

thanks graceful.

 

Not trying to make another excuse but another thing that is making this NC hard to keep up is i still have my phone under her plan (she works for verizon) and my name is tied to that carnote i cosigned to 2 years ago (when we had plans on getting married).

 

im kind of worried out about the car note seeing there's still 36 months left. I asked her if she would be able to get someone else to cosign for her, but the only person in her family who has decent enough credit is her grandmother. I asked my ex about 2 months ago if she could get her grandmother to refinance and cosign. She said, "She won't do it. But don't worry, i'm going to keep the payments going". Her grandmother has been used up by all her children for $$$ (my ex's mother included).

 

I just don't want to have to watch this for the next 36 months. Even though she kept up the 1st 19 or 20 payments, she slipped up and and was 30 days late in January. Didn't even bother to tell me. And her mom will help her sometimes, but my ex will leave it up to her mom and her mom has been known to pay late too.

 

I guess i still got off easy. I dodged the bullet and didn't marry her, but i still tied myself to her and its messing with my head.

[whatdoido1717]

No problem, Fetish. But just remember, no trust, no relationship. The very fact she feels the need to tell you about her casino trips and what they entail, tells you all you need to know. This is all part of addictive behavior, just like an alcoholic will check in and tell you that he hasn't had a drink, like he's accountable to you. She's not accountable to you anymore, and if she says something like that, you need to tell her that she's not accountable to you and that it's her issue and her problem. And you're right, she's not being truthful anyhow.

 

It's not the life you want. I honestly understand how hard this is, but if you don't extricate yourself from this person, you'll go down along with her, and you know that. A relationship with her doesn't stand an iceberg's chance in hell. Sad, I know. And frankly, an addict really doesn't care about anybody but themselves, and the last person that you need to miss you, is someone who has used you for your kindness. She doesn't even respect you, so what does it matter if she misses you?

 

The person you want to miss you left a long, long time ago, the person you're dealing with is not the person you fell in love with. She's long gone. Just remember that. That's the problem with a LTR that has ended badly, you figure out you're living in the past, and you need to let go. Relationship gone. Person gone. That's the reality you have to put into focus. Sorry.

 

Very well said and I read that at the perfect moment. It was like a deep sigh of relief (I've been harboring a lot of anger all weekend and this really helped me relax right before bed). Thank you for sharing that with fetish and the entire forum.

[Fufu]

thanks for the support guys. fufu, i know nc is really for myself, and in my heart, i know she's not the right girl for me.

 

I often struggle with letting go of the past and past memories. I mean 8 years with a person is a long time. I feel i should be ready to move on and start dating again, but i think that would just make me miss my ex more.

 

I'm so confused and don't know what to do. It's like i can't really eat or have any energy to do anything. I've been talking to a counselor and for a while i thought i was doing better, but seems ever since friday (Apr 22), i'm back to caring and missing her again.

 

This girl was so selfish and had addictive behaviors which tore us apart. I'n thinking to myself, why do i care if i ever hear from her again when i know she's bad news? It's like i'm trynig to be miserable.

 

Any more input would be greatly appreciated.

 

 

I can understand 8 years is really very long, even a year of serious relationship ended can be very heart wrenching too. All I can say is it takes time to heal, don't rush and don't over force yourself. You will always get better and better

[Thatguyintx]

I guess i still got off easy. I dodged the bullet and didn't marry her, but i still tied myself to her and its messing with my head.

 

I feel the same way, even 7 months later. I know I dodged a bullet, but still finding it hard to completely dislodge her from my head and heart. But, on a good note, every day gets easier.

 

I suspect there are many others that can relate to your feelings.

[fetish]

thanks for the replies everyone. thatguyintx, how long were you together?

 

This morning my ex text me and asked me if she could borrow $220.00 until thurs when she gets paid due to an emergency. With that amount, i'm suspecting its a student loan payment. I haven't replied.

 

It's funny, when she moved out 2 almost 2 months ago, she was trying to act like she was doing sooo well. Bragging about how she had paid her rent up for 6 months, getting new furniture for her place, just acting like she'd be doing soo wel on her own. Not that i was hoping for bad luck, but I knew it would only be a matter of time because i knew she didn't have the skills and maturity level to survive on her own. I really did want to see her succeed though.

 

I guess its a sure bet that those $250.00 payments she's been making to the joint account we had are nearing an end. I've put aside those to stock up on a couple of months car payments, but i'm thinking i might have to look into getting a lawyer and seeing what my options are. I'm a little scared. I'm eventually going to try tohave another talk w/her first and give her a chance to get another cosigner.

 

I think what's going to happen is she's going to eventually move back home to Colorado with her mom, forget about finishing school, and run from the situation like she always does.

Edited April 25, 2011 by fetish

[Graceful]

This morning my ex text me and asked me if she could borrow $220.00 until thurs when she gets paid due to an emergency. With that amount, i'm suspecting its a student loan payment. I haven't replied.

Do not respond. Do NOT respond. Do I make myself clear? You're not lending her any money, not for an hour, not for a day, not for a week. I don't care what the problem is, and neither should you. She is using you. And she has to come to terms, bottom out, what ever you want to call it, that her gambling and lack of fiscal responsibility will destroy her.

 

Do NOT lend her one dime. It is time to face this full on. And I do remember that she told you how well she was doing, but that is what an addict will always do, they will tell you about all the "good stuff" to get you on board with them. All text book.

 

What are you waiting for? Get an attorney as soon as possible. You need to find out how you can get your name off as a co-signer, or what your alternatives are. If one alternative is to sell the car, then you have to get ready and prepare yourself, with an attorney, to tell your ex that you are going to sell the car.

 

You have to grow up here. Really time to look at this situation, as it's very serious, and can have serious long-term damage to your credit rating and to you psychologically. You need to get this business taken care of and make it a priority.

 

I guess its a sure bet that those $250.00 payments she's been making to the joint account we had are nearing an end. I've put aside those to stock up on a couple of months car payments, but i'm thinking i might have to look into getting a lawyer and seeing what my options are. I'm a little scared. I'm eventually going to try tohave another talk w/her first and give her a chance to get another cosigner.

No more talks with her. It will do you no good and you need to talk to an attorney FIRST so you can have control of the situation.

 

My ex owed me money. $$$$. Lots of money. He tried to pay me back and rip me off at the same time, but I didn't let him get away with it. You should have seen his face when I told him I had spoken to an attorney. All the color drained out of his face. He knew I was not fooling around anymore. You have got to put your foot down, and stop being afraid to empower yourself. She has no boundaries at all, so if you don't start putting them up, she will continue to control the situation.

[Graceful]

Very well said and I read that at the perfect moment. It was like a deep sigh of relief (I've been harboring a lot of anger all weekend and this really helped me relax right before bed). Thank you for sharing that with fetish and the entire forum.

 

Hey, whatdoido,

 

Makes me happy that my words were a comfort to you. Timing is everything, so when you find a post that fits your situation, it can help you feel that there is hope.

 

I don't know if you and your ex were in a LTR and you're having a hard time letting go, and / or, if you ex has addictive behavior. It's easy for your mind to play tricks on you when you come out of a LTR because great memories and all of the reasons you fell in love with your ex are from long ago and far away. One of the reasons that Fetish's situation is also made more complicated is b/c his ex is an addict (gambling) and this adds another layer of complication. The mind games when you are around an addict are diabolical.

 

In any event, hang in there.

 

Oh, just saw you're the guy with the thread about the exGF who is an addict, so now I understand. All my best in working through all of the issues involved with that.

Edited April 25, 2011 by Graceful

[fetish]

Graceful,

 

thanks for your strong words. And yes, it is going to take some growing up on my part to be able to get that forceful enough especially to take the car. I'm just scared of this getting UGLY but that may be iminent. It will be one of the hardest things i've ever done. But like the example you gave in one of my previous threads of the parents who have to lock their own children out of the house or not lend them a dime of $$$$ when they're on drugs. It's time to look out for myself. I've been trying to look out for her for too long!

 

whatdoido1717. I guess i have to read your thread again. I've been doing my best to give advice on this forum to help others out over the last couple of months. What i'm discovering is i may not be in such a good position yet to give advice because i haven't really finished working through my own situation and go through periods where i may backtrack and start doubting myself. The last thing i want to do is come off as a hypocrite.

[fetish]

well she just texted me again.

 

before our break up, we were planning a road trip together in may to our hometown of colorado springs from houston, tx to go to her two brother's graduation. since our break up, she hasn't really mentioned it. she claimed at first she was going to fly, but then said the flights were too expensive. Then she said last week when i saw her for my birthday, that her mom was going to get an old friend of the family who stays in Dallas to ride with her.

 

now today she texted me and asked me if i would still ride with her. i haven't replied but that would be too painful. Bringing up the good times when we used to have good times on our road trips to colorado.

 

Back in january, when i was trying to talk sense in to her, i told her that we needed to start saving and putting money aside for the roadtrip in may. But all she would think about at the time was gambling, at the same time promising her brothers extravagent, expensive gifts like ipad laptops, stuff we couldn't afford even for ourselves.

 

Her family is cold blooded. They can't even come together and put money together to fly her back home for her 2 brother's graduation? Well i'm not surprised. They couldn't even get her a car when she was a$$ed out after her last car broke down.

[fetish]

on mon 4/25/11

 

she texted me and asked me if i could still ride with her to colorado, i replied and asked why she hadn't told me she still wanted me to ride sooner? She said she was planning on flying but too expensive. I replied back: Well its too late for me to get time off now. I then replied: "what bout greyhound?" I haven't heard back from her since.

 

Now when she was moving out in February, she was acting all big and bold, got her own apartment, and then about a few weeks later was bragging about how she was happy and doing well.

 

Now she expects me to still ride to Colorado with her, probably end up helping her spend money to get to her two brother's high school graduation?

 

Was i a jerk? I mean the flights are expensive but before we broke up, I told her that we needed to start saving for the roadtrip in May. While she was gambling and doing her thing she says, " I got this!" Then we break up in mid February.

 

Any input? I'd love to hear some more replies.

[geegirl]

Why are you still talking to her??

 

You said "greyhound" and she didn't respond any further. Why? Because you couldn't give her what she wanted. Probably pissed you didn't kiss her feet and instead suggested the bus. I bet if you told her what she wanted to hear, she'd be kissing your behind. What does that tell you?

 

NC. NC. NC. Keeping contact does NOTHING for you. Stop putting yourself through this and analyzing it 20 different ways. The end result is still the same.

[fetish]

thanks geegirl for the support

 

well this was mon 4/25, but i was just wondering, does it sound like she was trying to use me in a way?

 

EDIT: Well, i guess i know. I just wanted to hear it from someone else.

Edited April 30, 2011 by fetish

[fetish]

i know i might be overanalyzing again but..

 

one thing i don't understand is why its so important for her to see if she still has me to where i'd kiss her feet and do what she wants? We've broken up. She's a pretty girl and all, but she's not all that. I was her first REAL boyfriend (been with her since she was 18). I know i had my faults but overall, i was still good to her and think i treated her better than anyone has ever treated her.

 

I wonder if it has something to do with her childhood. Her mom was married 3X so she has 3 different men she calls Dad. Her bio dad hardly has much to do with her (an occasional phonecall) and that's it.

 

But why would she want to treat the only man or probably person that's really stuck by her all these years like she's head and shoulders above him?

[fetish]

bump.

 

any ideas to the last post?

 

still maintaining NC. she's always the one to contact me first but ever since that last text conversation on 4/25/11 where i suggested greyhound, I haven't heard from her since.

 

I am working on moving on and have even gone out recently. I've conversated with a few women but everyone of them gave me the wrong number. Has me feeling a little crappy that i have to deal with these dating bs rules again.

Edited May 6, 2011 by fetish

[geegirl]

Why don't you take some time off from dating? You're wounded and going out there and going through crappy dates and rejection intensifies the pain of your already wounded heart. Get involved in other events in life that fulfill you instead of those that beat you down, at least for now.

 

As for your previous post, there could be several reasons. Maybe she sees you as a security blanket, someone she can depend on when she is in need and only that. Maybe she knows she can't find anyone that will put up with her bull**** so she keeps you hanging around but only to satisfy her needs. While she may have a troubled past, she has a choice to change that and live a fuller and better life. But until she becomes self-aware, there is nothing you can do. Trying to understand why she does what she does will never garner you answers.

 

You need to start understanding what about you made you put up with it for so long and what you are going to do to get past this analysing and start moving on.

[fetish]

Why don't you take some time off from dating? You're wounded and going out there and going through crappy dates and rejection intensifies the pain of your already wounded heart. Get involved in other events in life that fulfill you instead of those that beat you down, at least for now.

 

As for your previous post, there could be several reasons. Maybe she sees you as a security blanket, someone she can depend on when she is in need and only that. Maybe she knows she can't find anyone that will put up with her bull**** so she keeps you hanging around but only to satisfy her needs. While she may have a troubled past, she has a choice to change that and live a fuller and better life. But until she becomes self-aware, there is nothing you can do. Trying to understand why she does what she does will never garner you answers.

 

You need to start understanding what about you made you put up with it for so long and what you are going to do to get past this analysing and start moving on.

 

 

Hey gee girl, thanks for the reply. I feel its not normal to be still wounded after this amount of time. I mean, it's coming up on 3 months since our break up.

 

To answer your question, I think what made me put up w/her for so long was the way she made me feel. There was a time she showed me alot of attention than anyone (besides my family) had ever shown me. She acted like she was crazy over me, wasn't selfish, and we always did things. Alot of this was in the beginning but she still acted like she cared (even within the last year) as we continued to do things.

 

It seems the last 2 months of our relationship, she started to get distracted and all she wanted to do was go to the gameroom (mini casino). She got lucky a couple of times, won a few dollars and everything (especially me) took a back seat quickly. I always knew she had an addictive personality and her uncontrollable urges for the casino, but it just overtook it towards the end. I know this is addictive personality and for her to let it get that far shows a character flaw on her part.

 

As much as i know she's bad for me, i just feel empty right now. There's a huge void left in my life right now. Most of the friends I had made here are either married, moved away, or we lost contact over time so I basically feel alone. Although I do have family, most of them are either married and live too far, out of my age group to go out with (i.e.grandmother). Although i'm doing much better, sometimes this NC gets to burning me in my chest. I lost someone who was close, even though she went bad.

Edited May 6, 2011 by fetish

[geegirl]

Hey gee girl, thanks for the reply. I feel its not normal to be still wounded after this amount of time. I mean, it's coming up on 3 months since our break up.

 

I think what made me put up w/her for so long was the way she made me feel. She had showed me more love and attention than anyone (besides my family) had ever shown me. Most of this was in the beginning but she still acted like she cared (even within the last year). It seems the last 2 months of our relationship, she started to get distracted and all she wanted to do was go to the gameroom. She got lucky a couple of times, won a few dollars and everything (especially me) took a back seat quickly.

I know this is addictive personality and for her to let it get that far shows a character flaw on her part.

 

As much as i know she's bad for me, i just feel empty right now. There's a huge void in my life right now. Most of the friends I had made here are either married, moved away, or we lost contact over time so I basically have nothing. I do have family but its not like they're in my age group to go out on town with. I feel alone, and its burning me in my chest to know i lost someone who was close, even though she went bad.

 

There's no timeline for how long you feel wounded. Don't be so hard on yourself. I have a couple of friends who are still wounded even after a year from the break up. One reason why you are still wounded is because you are still stuck and focused on her. Once you slowly take that focus off her and back on to you, your wounds will heal. NC does not mean just no contact, it also means taking care of yourself. It means nurturing yourself. It means filling that void that she left with other things that fulfil YOU. If you NC but pine and analyze and focus on her, then you are doing NC an injustice because NC is for you.

 

I am alone in this country. No family. A couple of friends but they are married. When I caught my ex having sex in his driveway with some woman on New Years eve, I was crushed. I wanted to end it all. I felt so alone. Like an empty shell. In a zombie like state. One day I woke up and said no more.

 

I started therapy. I didn't have friends. So I said, "I am going to make new friends." I went on meetup.com and signed up for all the events and hobbies I felt I had a passion for. 3 months later, I have a new circle of friends and I am busy almost every day of the week and my weekends are fun. I jumped back into my love for cake designing and signed up for baking classes. I wrote down a 6 month work out plan at the gym and am pounding it out. I'm toning up already and feeling so great about myself, physically and mentally. It's a slow process but I am getting there. I am still wounded after 4 months but my wounds are not being nourished by thoughts of him anymore because I am too busy fulfilling my life!

 

Fetish, you can do it. You don't have friends then go out and make them. You have hobbies that you are passionate about, then start working on them. You want to look like Popeye, then get cracking at the gym..you'll feel great after every workout. You want to enrich your mind and grow your self-esteem so you don't find yourself dependent on others to validate you, read self-help books. Nourish yourself. You must. You have to. If you don't you will stay the walking wounded for a long time. Life is short. You've pondered and pined for so long and it's given you nothing, not a single thing except more pondering. Time for a change. That wasn't working. Now try something new. Try focusing on you. Your ex knows what she wants -- to drink and gamble.

 

What does Fetish want?