jlola Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 I have taking a break from dating and really happier on my own for now. But I seem to have friends with so many relationship issues, I wonder if I attract them or is this the new norm. One of my best friends is going through a divorce. Her husband was having an affair for years with a MW. When she found out she kicked him out. He and the OW were "soulmates" and "in love". they continued the affair behind OW's husband's back for another year or so till the affair ended. Anyway, my friend has always been a very good wife and they were married for close to 10 yrs. In fact everyone always said she was too good for him. He had a horrible temper and would lose clients for his bussiness because of that. So financially they were always struggling, but she always backed him up and was there emotionally for him. She is beautiful and could have had many men who were financially better off, but stuck with him thinking he would be loyal to her. Though he gave her little, he demamded alot. He would threaten to leave her because he thought the small partment they lived in was not as clean as he liked it to be, even though they both worked equal amounts of hrs . actually she worked more hrs. He also felt when in a group of people, he was unable to talk as he thought she was talking too much. Suprisingly, everyone else in the group would get a chance. So anyway, she wanted to go to therapy and get closure during the divorce. She thought perhaps he was not fully honest about why he lost his love for her and had to have an affair. He kept telling the therapist for years he would ask her to do certain things and she would not. Eventually he could'nt take it anymore. He said he gave her warnings and she just would not listen. When the therapist pushed, he eventually told her the exact same thing he told my friend. She was not keeping the house clean enough. She also talked too much when they were with a group of people. This Mr. Perfect then thought it was ok to have an affair because of those reasons. Meanwhile my friend was putting up with lack of funds,living in a tiny apartment because they put all their money into his business, his temper and hypersensitivity to what anyone said to him that he did not like ands his selfishness. To top it off, the way she found out about the affair was by him accidentally dialing her on his phone while with the OW. He was very sweet and romantic with the OW. She heard him telling the OW how he would never be happy without her in his life. How they are meant to be,how her love was everything he would ever need from a woman etc,ect,ect. Also calling the OW pet name he called her. She says she will never heal from this because the hurt of hearing him saying that to another runs so deep. I feel so bad for her because throughout their marriage I saw her sacrifice and literally stand by her man. But it seems so many who cheat are just so shallow. It's all about what you are doing for them. Meanwhile, they cannot see how little they actually give to the relationship. Even less when the affair is going on. So reason for the affair is because the house was not clean enough and she talked too much when they were in a group and he felt he could not get a word in ,yet everyone else in the group was able to talk. BTW, even her therapist took her off to the side and said it was a ridiculous reason for an affair. But that is his truth and he believes it a valid reason and my friend has to accept that. What other shallow reasons have you heard to have an affair. If this is how selfish and shallow society is becoming it is scary to marry.
Woggle Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 I hate men like that who have a good woman which is not an easy thing to find these days and craps all over them. I hope some woman chews him up and spits him out in the future.
Baroness67 Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 My favorites for why my husband said he cheated were: 1. We had nothing in common anymore; 2. All I cared about was the kids; and 3. He decided he didn't think he was actually 'meant' to be a husband or a father. He also pointed to the housekeeping. I realized it was a no win situation. Even when everyone who came into our house told me we had a beautiful house, he'd find something to point to. He would call me lazy if the house wasn't picked up to his liking. I briefly hired housekeepers and the house was shiny all the time, but then he said that it wasn't me cleaning the house, it was HIS money that was hiring the housekeepers, so really HE was keeping the house clean. I actually ended up firing the housekeepers but continued to take out the cash that we were paying them from the bank, and put the $$ into a new, separate account. I ultimately stopped doing this and told him that I had fired the housekeepers, but by then things were better. (And I had a nice emergency fund.) As for the other excuses, I loved the "we have nothing in common" because how are you going to have anything in common when you live 98% of your life separately? Early on in his career he asked me not to come to work functions because too many people try to get personal details out of the wife. Then he complained later that I didn't come to work functions. When I offered, he said "there would be no point, I couldn't talk to you and you would not fit in." Next one: I cared too much about the kids. Guilty. Someone has to be their parent. There were entire years when he didn't make even one soccer or baseball game. He doesn't know the names of our kids' teachers. A few times, he even had to confirm with me what grade they were currently in. Last one: he wasn't meant to be a husband or father. Well, sorry. Too bad about that. So yes, at certain times the cheaters can get incredibly shallow. They have to be, as long as you stay at the surface you don't have to look too deep into the water and see anything you don't want to see.
Baroness67 Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 IMO all the reasons are shallow. Bentnotbroken, your response is best of all.
ladydesigner Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 My H reason for his cheating was that we were not having sex often enough (we were intimate about 1-2x week). My reason for cheating was to get revenge. Yep very shallow reasons.
nyrias Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 Cheaters are self absorbed chumps. It's no surprise their excuses for cheating are as shallow as they are. I worry about this new generation of spoiled self-entitled kids. They only know instant gratification. There is no need to worry. Values and cultural standards changed all the time. 60-70 years ago, you were NOT a good woman if you were not a good house-wife. That value has changed. 100-200 years ago in China, men have multiple wives and that was viewed as normal. That value has changed. So in another 20 years, may be fewer will marry and they hook up with whoever they want, with little string attached and no guilt. Surely not how we are brought up and who can say that is a bad thing.
Author jlola Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 My sister cheated on her last husband because she said he would drink a couple of beers after work and he snored. I would imagine he would have stopped drinking the beers if he asked.Snoring, you can't do anything about:confused:. Meanwhile she was allowing her son to disrespect him, had him sell his old house and build her a brand new one with pool and guesthouse because she had her standards, his money was their money, her money was hers, was rude to his sister,made condescending remarks about him behind his back, had him take her on vacations twice a year. Was a shopoholic and racked up CC bills cared more about her friends than she did him. Drank a couple of glasses of wine with dinner which just meant she is sophisticated. Does seem most people who are cheaters somehow think they get the shorter end of the stick. Meanwhile they are usually the takers who have their own spin on their situation, ignoring their own shortcomings and somehow get someone else to believe they are the VICTIMS.
Woggle Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 I hope you don't agree with the way she treated him.
Author jlola Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 I hope you don't agree with the way she treated him. Mr. W, I hope that was tongue in cheek:eek: Of course I do not agree. My other sister and I were so upset with her we did not speak with her for over a year. My mother sent her a long letter to let her know her dissapointment since she had reassured my mother she changed . But I let her have it this Christmas. I told her how selfish and self absorbed she has always been. Told her she is a liar and a cheater. She actually tried to deny she has ever cheated on any of her 4 previous husbands. She tried to lie to me!!!!!! when she knows I know her HISTORY. I know she has told her new fiance she was a goodwife who never cheated. She then tried to tell me I cannot judge her. I told her I could. We lived in the same household and saw my mother die emotionally because of my father's affairs. So I could judge her because she knew what a horrible man he was and how his affairs hurt everyone. She saw how my mother suffered. Yet,she willingly did the same. We all stood up for her ex-husband. We still call each other on holidays. He has a new GF and we are all so happy for him.Wrong is wrong and just because she is family does not mean we cannot see it. I was a teenage when she left her first husband and baby for her affair partner. But even at that young age I told her if I ever was asked in court about her I would say she was a lousy mother and did not deserve the baby when she decided she wanted him back. I was more than willing to testify against her,so was my other sister. I cannot stand family who stand behind their blood when they are doing wrong because they are afraid to take a stand. I would not feel a bit sorry for her if her new fiance ended up doing to her what she has done to others. In fact we have met him and we all think he is not trustworthy. If he ends up betraying her I would say karma does really exist and it finally came to visit her.
Woggle Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 Good for you. Sometimes it does feel like all women secretly support each other when they act like this but I admit that is my paranoia talking. Maybe she is secretly trying to get back at her father by treating him this way. I know people who were betrayed by an opposite sex parent and end up making innocent people pay.
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