AzaleaBelle Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 I've lived with my bf for a year, but he doesn't make any time for me. He thinks our time on the couch is sufficient. I feel like I'm getting his leftovers. If we go anywhere, its with his friends. We've been talking about how it bothers me that we never have outings for us. Romantic outings. It is always things he wants to do, if we do. So, last weekend we had planned have a day of it. My choice. I wanted to check out this exhibit at the science and nature museum. We were also suppose to go to dinner. Well, today was the day we were suppose to go and I'm sitting here alone because he went skiing instead. And I'm the a**hole because I'm trying to prevent him from skiing the last day at this one resort. Apparently, he forgot and he said he doesn't make solid plans with me anyway. Everything is optional. It isn't this one incident. He won't make plans. He says the beauty of living together is that you don't have to make plans, you get to play it by ear. I see this as him leaving his options open so if something better comes along, he doesn't have solid plan he has to break with me. I'm so tired of being upset about this. I'm tired of crying. Am I overreacting? How do I handle this?
Els Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 I don't think you're overreacting exactly, no. There is no point in living together like roommates. It's harder to to have the same sort of romance in dates as when you were just starting out, but that doesn't mean he has carte blanche to not bother about even trying and going out with you at all. As you have talked, I think it is probably time for a gentle ultimatum, if this issue is truly important to you.. Perhaps tell him that you are really not happy with this, and if he doesn't make effort to compromise then you don't see yourself lasting with this.
Author AzaleaBelle Posted April 23, 2011 Author Posted April 23, 2011 Thanks for the reply. I have. And this is still the result.
Els Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 How happy are you with him overall - how much does this issue contribute to your unhappiness? And, do you foresee yourself being able to accept this at least a few years down the road? If your answer is negative to either one or both of the above, I think you know what you should do. Sorry, hon.
Author AzaleaBelle Posted April 23, 2011 Author Posted April 23, 2011 I know what I have to do. We talked about breaking up last night because I wasn't happy anymore. I feel like he just doesn't give a crap about me. And he punched a hole in the door. He hurt his hand, making it bleed. He looked at me like it was my fault. Today, he left his ski jacket here, I guess he is riding in 11 degree winter storm in a hoodie with no shell. I suppose him and his friends will put that off on me, too. I hurt. Everything was so good - and he still sees everything as perfect. I don't.
threebyfate Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 If you really want to retain this relationship which I wouldn't advise since he takes you completely for granted, start going out and having fun with your friends, doing the things you want to do without including him. If plans are made with him, cut him out at the last minute. Overall, never tie your entire life and happiness into one person. It's not good for either one of you. Balance it by having a life of your own.
Author AzaleaBelle Posted April 23, 2011 Author Posted April 23, 2011 I moved up here to be with him and I haven't made any friends yet. I'm kinda shy and I work at home. I don't care if he spends time with his friends - both of us shouldn't be miserable shut-ins, but I would like a day out of 7, even if I have friends. I should mention that all his friends are his work friends. He sees them more than he sees me. He comes home from work late, I cook dinner, we have sex and he passes out. I go home pretty regularly to see my friends. Like weeks at a time.
threebyfate Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 Let's pretend that he gives you one day a week. Will this be enough for you? Are you satisfied to live your life being his convenience?
Author AzaleaBelle Posted April 23, 2011 Author Posted April 23, 2011 (edited) I'm willing to compromise. He isn't. He straight up told me that he refuses to make any solid plans with me. He won't do it. I mean, to spend time with him I have to do what he wants, when HE wants to do it or nothing at all. It would be nice to hear, "Would you like to go X on X." The fact that he and I will do something together, instead of sitting around the house or waiting for his friends to want to go out. It will give me something to look forward to. Edited April 23, 2011 by AzaleaBelle
threebyfate Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 He's a blatantly selfish guy and is telling you this. So why are you with him again?
Cee Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 This sounds like a miserable situation. It's been a year and you still don't have your own friends yet. And he comes home late from work every day, eats your home cooked dinner, has sex with you and falls asleep. Unless you get your own life and you also get quality time from your BF, this move isn't working. Unless you love the city you are living in, I suggest you move back. But that's a big decision and I am a stranger from the internet. I suggest you call your friends and have a long talk with them. Since your BF is away this weekend, you have a good opportunity to think this through. Good luck.
Author AzaleaBelle Posted April 23, 2011 Author Posted April 23, 2011 I guess I just didn't see it until now. So far, its been really good. But since he's made friends and I haven't, I'm just a burden. I don't know why it has to be like that. I don't give him a hard time about him having friends, why should I suffer because I haven't had any luck with real friendships? I just wanted to know that I was important, and I guess he is giving me the answer. And he does take me out sometimes, but its at the last minute after all his other options didn't come through.
Author AzaleaBelle Posted April 23, 2011 Author Posted April 23, 2011 (edited) This sounds like a miserable situation. It's been a year and you still don't have your own friends yet. And he comes home late from work every day, eats your home cooked dinner, has sex with you and falls asleep. Unless you get your own life and you also get quality time from your BF, this move isn't working. Unless you love the city you are living in, I suggest you move back. But that's a big decision and I am a stranger from the internet. I suggest you call your friends and have a long talk with them. Since your BF is away this weekend, you have a good opportunity to think this through. Good luck. I'm going home in a week for one of my regular visits. I've been thinking for a few weeks its gonna be a one way trip. And I have my own life - of sorts. I spend most of my time reading and writing. I don't require much, really. He isn't away for the weekend. He'll be home tonight. We live within driving distance of the resorts. We go frequently. I think we've logged over 35 on the hill this year. Edited April 23, 2011 by AzaleaBelle
TaraMaiden Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 I'm going home in a week for one of my regular visits. I've been thinking for a few weeks its gonna be a one way trip. Yup. Without announcing it, get someone in a pick-up truck to help you move out. Then, go complete No Contact. Get your life back. as someone famously said, Don't settle for being an option, when you should be a priority.
Author AzaleaBelle Posted April 23, 2011 Author Posted April 23, 2011 He tells me that I should stop getting so hung up over the principle of that matter and just go with the flow. Is this valid? Or just manipulative?
Imajerk17 Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 I agree with you, AB on this. Men and women are wired differently. You show love to us by being sexually responsive towards us, and not towards anyone else. We show love to you by committing energy towards you. That is an overgeneralization, but the underlying concept is true. And what was it you said about him punching a hole through a wall? That is troubling.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 He tells me that I should stop getting so hung up over the principle of that matter and just go with the flow. Is this valid? Or just manipulative? What it is, is Jackass. He's not willing to listen to how you feel and doesn't keep committments and loses his temper and blames you for stupid little things. Next!
Imajerk17 Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 Hey, what are your hobbies outside of the R? You mention that you work from home, do you have time to pursue your own life? Away from reading/writing that is. Wherever you live, you have to make your own life too.
Author AzaleaBelle Posted April 23, 2011 Author Posted April 23, 2011 Hey, what are your hobbies outside of the R? You mention that you work from home, do you have time to pursue your own life? Away from reading/writing that is. Wherever you live, you have to make your own life too. Yeah, I understand that. I just feel like I am floating up here. I've tried to make friends, but it doesn't really take, for whatever reason. At home, I had life-long friends. It is a difficult transition for me. I don't want him to be my life. I just want to be a part of his outside of being his maid/whore, which is what I feel like most of the time. But I enjoy snowboarding, too. I love it, actually. But it isn't my only interest. And I only got involved because of him. Writing is my main hobby. I sew, do crafts. I love our animals.
Imajerk17 Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 Yes, making friends when you move somewhere else as an adult is hard. We typically make friends either through work or school where there is a lot of un-pressured unstructured time to bond. If you work from home, it is much much harder to get that. I agreed with you in a previous post that your boyfriend needs to be putting more of an effort to make plans/making you feel special in the relationship. Also, as I mentioned before, the punching a hole in the wall is troubling.
Author AzaleaBelle Posted April 23, 2011 Author Posted April 23, 2011 Yes, making friends when you move somewhere else as an adult is hard. We typically make friends either through work or school where there is a lot of un-pressured unstructured time to bond. If you work from home, it is much much harder to get that. I agreed with you in a previous post that your boyfriend needs to be putting more of an effort to make plans/making you feel special in the relationship. Also, as I mentioned before, the punching a hole in the wall is troubling. Thank you for letting me know I'm not crazy. I don't want to talk to my friends/family back home about it because if we do work it out, I don't want them to have a negative opinion of him, ya know.
Imajerk17 Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 No, you're not crazy. So again, how did this hole-punching go again? I don't mean to keep harping on that, but it is troubling...
Author AzaleaBelle Posted April 23, 2011 Author Posted April 23, 2011 No, you're not crazy. So again, how did this hole-punching go again? I don't mean to keep harping on that, but it is troubling... I was telling him I couldn't be in this relationship anymore. He blew up -turned red, got up, knocked over the fan, hit the dresser and punched a massive hole in our bedroom door. He then went out front and didn't say anything. While I sobbed uncontrollably in the bedroom. When when get into fights, he just shuts down. I don't yell or get violent. I don't even cry until he starts to shut down or put all the blame on me. But he just sits there, silent. In this case, silent and violent. Scary combo.
Author AzaleaBelle Posted April 23, 2011 Author Posted April 23, 2011 Actually. Let me add to that. I hadn't made a connection until just now. Sometimes when he realizes what an idiot he has been, he tells me slap him. That he deserves it. I never do because I'm not violent - especially toward people. My mother beat me as child. I have a nasty scar on my leg where she whipped me with a switch to the point I was bleeding. It needed stitches, but she didn't take me in. I can't hit anyone. I know how it feels. And I don't want to hurt anyone like that.
Nexus One Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 (edited) Sometimes when he realizes what an idiot he has been, he tells me slap him. That he deserves it. That sounds like a skewed situation. That almost sounds like he wants to allow you to get even with him by punishing him, instead of him actually fixing the root of the problem. I kind of feel bad for you. AzaleaBelle, do what makes you happy. Edited April 24, 2011 by Nexus One
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