Sassygirl2 Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 I don't want to go through my whole situation again but here it is in the short version. My bf and I and all of our kids (5) went on a trip last weekend that I didn't want to go on. Since I didn't want to go in the first place, I was having a hard time controlling my bad mood. He and I got into a big fight and I had a melt down and pushed him. That was the end of it. He broke up with me the day after we came home and said, "I don't love you anymore". Ouch! This is a man who spent almost every free moment he had with me and me with him. We were planning on moving out together in the next few months. We purchased a puppy two months ago and were taking her to training together, etc....we spent lots of time doing activities with our kids, going to each others kids soccer games and such. Our families were close....they love me but he doesn't? I haven't contacted any of them because everyone has told me not to. He said he would still take the dog part time but that would entail us seeing each other. He dropped off his key and returned my stuff. I did the same as it was the right thing to do. I wrote a heartfelt apology for my behavior and sent it. I am having a really hard time understanding. He was one of the best parts of my life. We had a lot of fun together and I would say most of our relationsip was good (80%). The last few months we were fighting more and it was because I would get upset over small things because I have been stressed. Instead of trying to talk about it or work it out, he would say, "Oh, here we go again!" "Do we really have to do this again?" He would get annoyed and sarcastic and then that would make me more mad. Obviously not a good way to communicate for either one of us. He has a disabled daughter and has been through a lot. He had a rough marriage and divorce as well. I think I am the first serious relationship he has had since his divorce 3 years ago. I may have reminded him of the fighting, bitching and nagging he didn't want to have to deal with again. I wish I could go back and change it but I can't. He called me about the dog after NC for a week BUT he hadn't made any decision about sharing the dog. He said it was up to me. He sounded terrible. I asked him if we could get together to talk about it and he said, "not this weekend, maybe next week." I said OK and suggested he call me when he has time. I am taking this time to work on myself. Started exercising again, getting caught up on things I've put off for a long time because I was always with him, etc. I know I have to do this anyway.....with or without him. I just miss him terribly. He's a good man and I blew it. What should I do about the puppy? Should I just take care of her and go NC? Or should I try to work out a schedule with him? His kids love the dog and I want them to be able to see her.
PinkChic Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 I went through a very similiar situation... 5 year relationship, just bought me a dog for valentines day, just bought a home together, suppose to have been walking down the aisle in 6 months, bam we break up. I think dealing with the dog situation was even harder than dealing with the house/wedding stuff. He was our BABY... we were so proud of ourselves for raising him together, etc... I ended up keeping him and I KNOW it was not easy for my ex to give him up... he even said in court "There is no way I can take him from her as I would always think of her for the next 15-20 years everytime I look at him"... It took me a long time also... It has been 3 years since we broke up and we have not spoken once since the break up .... I found old pictures in my desk at work this past week from when my dog was a puppy and it brought back tons of memories (atleast now, i'm able to smile, laugh and put them back where i found them without opening up a womb)... Although my dog is litterally my baby and I don't really ever think about my ex much... everytime someone asks me why his name is "Romeo" I have to go into the storie of my ex surprising me with him on Valentine's day... but I will say... now, after all the bitterness and anger and hurt from the break up wore off I tell the story, I smile and I move on... Please do yourself a favor and do NOT do a shared custody with the dog. It WILL make things difficult for BOTH of you, including the children... It's best for EVERYONE... you, him, children and dog... to just go your seperate ways... It's not fair to anyone to have to live with those feelings when they see the dog... and it's even more difficult to say goodbye at the end of the visit. I think also in my case... out of the legalities of our break up my ex stalled for the longest with our dog situation in hopes that "we would share custody and have to see each other and maybe we would get back together"... He finally realized this was not healthy and not rational. I kept our dog, he bought a new dog shortly after, we all moved on. If his children are that bent over not seeing the dog... he can buy them a new dog. Children are children, they love animals. Sorry to sound harsh it's just that reading your thread brought back crystal clear for me all the dog conversations the judge said to us in court... Please please please just decide who should have the dog and leave it at rest.
TaraMaiden Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 .... Please please please just decide who should have the dog and leave it at rest. As an experienced Dog behaviourist - I'm afraid I must agree with this statement. Children are one thing. they grow up with you, are linked inextricably and genetically, can be reasoned with and have things explained, and as they grow, understand more and accept things, by questioning, listening and discussing. A dog - is no such animal. Being shunted pillar to post, between environments and not having the cognitive intelligence or communication ability of humans spells disaster. It really doesn't matter who has the dog. And permitting this issue to be a hurdle to moving on is truly futile and fruitless. Just decide who's going to have the dog, agree sole custody and responsibility and either keep it, or hand it over. no middle ground on this.
Hhhh Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 The dog will tear you apart and delay your healing, if you decide on sharing custody. I am afraid i have to agree with the above posts. Good Luck!
Author Sassygirl2 Posted April 24, 2011 Author Posted April 24, 2011 Thank you for the words of advice. In my mind I know it's not right to shuffle the dog back and forth. Like you said Pink, it's just a way to delay the inevitable. Having to see him when we exchange the dog would be hard. I just want him to come back to me and the dog. The selfish part of me wants him to realize he loves us and needs us. Sounds so stupid. When we adopted her I was uneasy about getting her because of the commitment of owning a dog. He reassured me that he would help financially and physically. He did for the last two months and we got her spayed and all her shots, etc. She is a lot of work but she brings me such joy and love. She gets me out and about and thats good too. I'm not fooling anyone, I still have hope that he may want to see the dog in the future and when he sees that I have been working on myself maybe he will change his mind. Who knows, by then, I may not want him back at all.
2sunny Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 you're using the dog as an excuse to stay connected. he said he doesn't love you anymore. accept it. move forward. you exhibited behavior that he told you early on that he isn't going to tolerate. he's a healthy man... he wants a healthy woman. that's not YOU for HIM. you can't change the past. keep the dog. show the dog stability and love. let the rest go. there's NO reason for him to stay in touch with you when he said he wants to cut and run. stop asking to see him.
orangelady Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 why do you want to do that to yourself? It sounds like he wants to be single. When a man tells you he doesn't love you anymore, it means it's over. I think it's ridiculous to even 'share' custody of a pup. I think you should forget about him, the pup, his kids and move on. You don't even know if he is thinking of seeing other women. All the best.
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