I know it can work,but does she!?

April 23, 2011

Hello everyone,

My story...I am 32,wife 33 been Married almost 9 yrs (together almost 13) 3 children,my 13 yr old step daughter and 2 boys from the marriage ages 11 and 7.

2 days after christmas I caught my wife in our home with another "man".He was a friend and he was and still is with his wife, who happened to be my wifes b.friend at the time!

I immediately went into panic mode, I threw him out of the house and wanted answers from my wife. I was in a massive state of shock. To make it worse my youngest was actually in bed at the time and he came down because he was woken by all the noise.

Wife went to her brothers house with my son,as you can imagine he was very upset. This was after she called her mother to the house.

I constantly tried ringing for a day or so,couldnt eat or sleep.She was basically ignoring me.My 2 other kids were already at their uncles,so I was alone and going out of my mind.

I discovered the affair had been going on for approx 5 months. I have found out a lot of the details from him. During the 5 month period she actually left me for 5 weeks between oct/nov.She claimed she needed a break and was stressed with her studies.In my heart I knew their was something wrong, and at one point even asked her if she was seeing anyone else.Only because their was nothing left that could be wrong.

She has claimed she came back to "try and get on". My obvious response was how can that possibly be the case when you were embroiled in an affair! She has never spoke about anything, I have been the one that has had to instigate everything. It is so frustrating, how can you be married with kids and basically just go away. Not even talk about things and just leave it at that!

In the previous years we were together I have been a very attentive partner. I was always their for her in every way. I worked full time,done everything around the house, and was a constant in our kids lives. I was always doing things,the little things that I so miss now.

Currently she is still with her brother, 2 kids there and my eldest son with me.

I honestly just want my family back and I have thought of everything 100 times over! I thought of all the deceipt and the hurt she has caused. How utterly selfish she is etc etc. But it always comes back around to me thinking it can actually work out. I would be prepared to forgive, because I think what we have built over the years is precious. But the major problem is she isnt a talker,she just seems to show no emotion and does what she needs to do to get through the day.She appears to be getting on with her life and has said its over. But all i have said is we cant leave it at that, at least clear things up,because i dont actually know why it happened and i dont even know if she does! I also think she must have some guilt and she possibly cant believe in what i am saying and see the bigger picture. Another thing that makes it harder is the fact we spoke about seeing each other,but it never happened. We also kissed only 3 wks ago and then still no progress.

I have never had any reason to believe this has happened before. We were just a nice normal family enjoying life and then it was all torn apart. I know the common sense things to do like thinking about myself,mixing with other people etc,but as i said i keep having the same thoughts and feelings.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated and thanks for reading my story.

Regards, Craig

April 23, 2011

Another Craig,

This isn't a Craig year apparently. Sorry to hear of your circumstance I know that it is no fun having your heart ripped out your ass and handed to you by the person who is supposed to love you the most.

Alright, go to Divorce Busters, maybe read After the Affair and Divorce Remedy.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/blog/how-to-prevent-a-divorce-the-last-resort-technique/

Hope you find everything that you need to heal one way or the other.

April 24, 2011

Thanks for the advice Craig. I have been looking at the links you sent,some great practical advice. I just think she must be unique! I feel no matter what I do she won't react. I am trying the nc approach,but v.difficult with kids involved!

April 25, 2011

Do you truly know its going to work? What about the loss of trust? She committed adultery and you want your family back. I get it. You want the way it was or somehow maybe you think it could be that way, but it will NEVER be that way. In rare rare occassions it will be better or in most cases when the woman has an affair, it will just dissolve. Having said that, 5 months is along time and its quite possible she fell in love with the guy. If that is the case and SHE doesnt want the family back, I'm sorry to say it is done.

Now what can you do? Expose the affair if you havent done so. She is likely still seeing the guy despite hers and his denial. Affairs die usually when exposure occurs (but not in all cases). You cant ever get anyone back unless she makes the choice to try and she is peobably not going to leave her affair fantasy world if it is still a secret. The feelings are too intense for them. Good luck. I've been down your road and it is a bitch. This site helped me immensely.

April 25, 2011

You're right f.pad,I realise she has to want it. I suppose I do want it the way it once was. I also realise that when I finally accept it and do let go. I can hold my head high,knowing I put my heart and soul into the relationship.

I know it can work,but only in my mind so far! If she truly wants me she will express that one day. But that one day might be too late?

Finding this site very helpful

April 26, 2011

Why I am still frustrated and confused......

Facts....

wife left 4 months ago,appears to be settled at bros house

said its over and i need to move on

she has said nothing other than some harsh words (aswell as me!) during 2 phone arguments. But never had the real reason why she cheated, seems as if she doesnt want to face up to reality,yet wants me to move on?

In between this we kissed 3 wks ago,we spoke about meeting up, but it never happened.

She knows all I want is some clarity,if she really wants me to move on why cant she be clear and explain,even write down why she believes it cant work.

She seems to want to be friendly for kids arrangements etc, which is fair enough. But I feel I cant pretend I am happy with things. I feel the minimum she must do is to explain things in a clear way and then that would at least be a platform to move on from. She has never been able to really open up to anyone, not even close family. But considering whats happened and the fact so many lives are being affected how can it be just left like this. Or is she still leaving the door open. I simply have to guess all the time.

April 26, 2011

First and foremost, pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get hold of yourself. Realize that YOU WILL be just fine without her if it comes to that. Your kids will survive, you will go on to lead a happy life.

No woman will respect a doormat or someone that walks around with their head hung low. They just won't.

Remember something very fundamental here, SHE CHEATED. She BROKE and DESTROYED your wedding vows. In your own home for heavens sake.

Get back some control. If there is ever going to be hope for any reconciliation it will be done under a very specific set of circumstances otherwise it will fail miserably. However, at this point IMHO it is way too early to even think of that.

Take this time to gather yourself and deal with the shock of this first. After you have managed that then and only then will you be able to think clearly.

Has she ended the affair? Will she be willing to lay all cards out on the table and expose the entire affair and all the details if you demand them?

Lots of questions, very few answers just yet.

Oh and be ready for the 'special few' posters that are likely going to come into this thread demanding an immeadiate divorce, challenging your manhood if you don't do so etc etc. Just ignore them and they'll continue on their merry way. With that being said though I don't think I could bring myself to forgive if I were in your shoes, but I'm not in your shoes so I cannot make that determination.

April 26, 2011

Thanks what next,

You make a great point when you say their would need to be v.specific circumstances. I know she isnt capable of commiting to anything like that.

Also she would never own up to anything. I have found out all the sordid details from OM. In fact she dismissed my questioning as "irrelevant" at the very start(bizarre I know!!) when I was asking the obvious questions.Its the type of person she is and always will be i suppose. I just need to get my head around that fact.

She just seems to want to do whatever suits her best to get through things, again utterly selfish I know. She has been very lucky that she just picked up and was able to stay with her brother.I dont know how she would cope if she had to face real hardship.Ultimately she may end up lonely, because in all honesty I couldnt have put much more into it,but I wont be worrying about that then!

I seem to have took a step back these last few weeks, which is strange because I was far more optimistic and getting out and about more etc before. I even dated someone else and it was going fine,but it just wasnt the right time i suppose. I know things will get better in time, but I might just have to face the fact I will probably never get answers. So no way will I be able to do the "friends" thing.

April 27, 2011

she believes it cant work.

Women act on their emotions, these emotions change or maybe not. At the moment she FEELS that it can't work. She checked out of the marriage probably years ago. However, instead of telling you "I don;t feel right lets work on this and go to MC" she took the cowards way out and cheated.

She's probably justifying her actions at the moment by Blameshifting, ie blaming you for everything. What can you do?

Drop her like a bad habit (very hard I know). No texting, calling, let any of her calls go through to voicemail. The only exceptions are when it's related to kids. Lawyer up, get a legal seperation agreement make sure you get 50/50 access to you kids. Do not give her any money apart from legal child support.

You then need to start getting your life back old hobbies, friends, join social groups, start acting happy. Eventually you will be happy fake it till you make it. Actions speak louder than words, 1000 times louder. Word will get back to your wife lol, often at this point she will wonder why you are all happy and having fun. She will wonder why your not pining and crying for her still, her ego will take a battering. This is when you will start hearing from her again.

April 27, 2011

Thanks rob

Yes,she done the blame shifting thing.

In my case it is hard to know when she checked out because she has told me very very little. I had to get the info out of OM regards dates etc. She said it was irrelevant!

I know this is going backwards,but i know he text her at an opportune time when he knew we werent getting on great. Thats when it all started,texts were exchanged then a meeting arranged. She even went away with his wife for the weekend around the time texting started,then the following weekend we went out as couples. This woman was her best friend, this OM actually text me to ask if I was ok the 1st time she left, in the middle of the affair. Considering all this I have handled things well,the hardest thing is I feel like I lost my youngest son. I was with him every day doing normal dad,son things. I now only see him 2/3 times per week and he wont stay at my house (he was in with me the night they were caught) so probably holds bad memories for him.

May 1, 2011

I have had nc for almost 2wks (other than 1 v.brief call re kids) . I have wrote a letter outlining everything. I will not write again,their won't be any need as I've said it all. I just want her to realise. It has to be one way or the other,we either keep it amicable for kids sake or I never want any contact with her again. This might seem petty,but if she can give me answers I will at least know why even if I don't like it!

This site is really helping me,but I get the impression most people on here who have been cheated on know why. I am trying to be patient,but I feel if I am to truly move on I need some answers. Surely its not too much to ask.

I would prefer not to give the letter,but its one last chance either way??

May 8, 2011

Any update on this?

Did you still want a chat?

May 8, 2011

Hello Jaymz

not much difference,I'm being patient with regards to my youngest boy. I have no set contact days/times,but that needs sorted soon. I have spoke to w about 3 times over past 3 wks,just v.briefly about kids and nothing else. I hate the fact she is now playing mummy when I've been there for kids far more with general day to day stuff,over the years and even more so during the 5 month affair. Often said I was mad! (mum and dad).

You're situation sounds even more shocking than mine. It's amazing how low they will stoop to wriggle out of stuff with pure lies,all very evil.

I hope you're situation improves soon in you're favour

May 8, 2011

Hello Jaymz

not much difference,I'm being patient with regards to my youngest boy. I have no set contact days/times,but that needs sorted soon. I have spoke to w about 3 times over past 3 wks,just v.briefly about kids and nothing else. I hate the fact she is now playing mummy when I've been there for kids far more with general day to day stuff,over the years and even more so during the 5 month affair. Often said I was mad! (mum and dad).

You're situation sounds even more shocking than mine. It's amazing how low they will stoop to wriggle out of stuff with pure lies,all very evil.

I hope you're situation improves soon in you're favour

May 8, 2011

airsign, you feel like you need answers because you have no closure, I know that feeling, my ex didn't give me any reasons for jilting me right after we booked our wedding. I still to this day (over two years later) have no answers, I've been in IC and still no answers but I do know he has issues of his own and this wasn't about me or our relationship, but about him. All I can say in your case is that whatever the "reasons" for her cheating, they weren't reasons, nothing justifies cheating. Try to focus on what she has done to you and your family rather than why, after all, if she had actually been decent and spoken to you rather than cheating wouldn't you have worked with her to resolve any problems there were? You aren't a mind reader, it seems she thinks you have supernatural powers, still does as she thinks you know why, or perhaps not talking with you is a power trip for her? Urgh. I really feel for you dealing with this.

May 9, 2011

Hi willow and thanks for you're support

She has never been one to open up to anyone. She finds it easier to say hurtful things than loving words. I have been clinging onto the memories of the better times. I should be focusing on what she has actually done. But as you say it's closure that you want. I have good and bad days still,but the feeling is constantly there,and it probably will be for some time.

May 9, 2011

Women act on their emotions, these emotions change or maybe not. At the moment she FEELS that it can't work. She checked out of the marriage probably years ago. However, instead of telling you "I don;t feel right lets work on this and go to MC" she took the cowards way out and cheated.

She's probably justifying her actions at the moment by Blameshifting, ie blaming you for everything. What can you do?

Drop her like a bad habit (very hard I know). No texting, calling, let any of her calls go through to voicemail. The only exceptions are when it's related to kids. Lawyer up, get a legal seperation agreement make sure you get 50/50 access to you kids. Do not give her any money apart from legal child support.

You then need to start getting your life back old hobbies, friends, join social groups, start acting happy. Eventually you will be happy fake it till you make it. Actions speak louder than words, 1000 times louder. Word will get back to your wife lol, often at this point she will wonder why you are all happy and having fun. She will wonder why your not pining and crying for her still, her ego will take a battering. This is when you will start hearing from her again.

Robf1971 gives some good advice around here.

May 9, 2011

Hi willow and thanks for you're support

She has never been one to open up to anyone. She finds it easier to say hurtful things than loving words. I have been clinging onto the memories of the better times. I should be focusing on what she has actually done. But as you say it's closure that you want. I have good and bad days still,but the feeling is constantly there,and it probably will be for some time.

Hi, you may find you don't need it as it is still very early days or perhaps you won't need it at all, but I had the same issue, no closure and I only started to really feel better when I got counselling. As I am in the UK it took me over 18 months before I got some IC. I am finished now and I can't tell you how much it helped me. It's over two years since my ex walked out, I still have my down times and my moments of why but for the most part the IC has stopped the constant questions in my mind.

May 9, 2011

Hi, you may find you don't need it as it is still very early days or perhaps you won't need it at all, but I had the same issue, no closure and I only started to really feel better when I got counselling. As I am in the UK it took me over 18 months before I got some IC. I am finished now and I can't tell you how much it helped me. It's over two years since my ex walked out, I still have my down times and my moments of why but for the most part the IC has stopped the constant questions in my mind.

Hi willow

I'm in the uk too. I hadn't really considered counselling at this stage,but it is an option.

Thanks again for the support. Where abouts are you? I'm n.w eng

May 9, 2011

Hi, you may find you don't need it as it is still very early days or perhaps you won't need it at all, but I had the same issue, no closure and I only started to really feel better when I got counselling. As I am in the UK it took me over 18 months before I got some IC. I am finished now and I can't tell you how much it helped me. It's over two years since my ex walked out, I still have my down times and my moments of why but for the most part the IC has stopped the constant questions in my mind.

Hi willow

I'm in the uk too. I hadn't really considered counselling at this stage,but it is an option.

Thanks again for the support. Where abouts are you? I'm n.w eng

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