hollygirl Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 Been in R with MM for nearly 2 years. Read a lot on this forum over the time and related to so much. The highs and lows, the excitement of the texts/e-mails phone calls and also the pain of periods of NC and LC (he has always instigated them). We have had recent period of LC, only communicated when absolutely neccessary about work related issues. I was beginning to feel better, less obsessed, more focussed on everyday life.....even able to leave my phone at home! Then 2 weeks ago he texed me, he was clearly testing the situation out .....wanted to know if I was still interested I guess. Well, despite what my head told me, I said yes. Things went quiet again but suprise suprise I went right back to square one, missing him, checking phone making plans in my head. But perhaps not totally back to square one because for the first time I began to realise that NC and space had begun to heal the pain. I hate myself for being so stupid as to let all those bad feelings, false hopes and the constant internal turmoil return. At times it felt as if my head would burst trying to rationalise and second guess what he was thinking, how he was feeling. 'was he missing me' ' was he out of touch because he was unable to phone' 'is he just using me' on and on and on. anyway he contacted again and suggested we meet, for the first time ever in the R I said 'no'. told him that I couldn't carry on like this, needed more from him. He just said ok thats fair enough, you are right, it can never work out and it needs to stop. Now I feel in despair, I know this is right, but sometimes I feel I can hardly breathe, the pain is like a physical pressure, a heavy ache in my chest. Whilst I knew it had to stop, now that it has happened I can't believe it has actually happened. That it was me in the end that pushed him away. Maybe if I'd not said anything then he would have come around....I know, I know this is maddness but I guess I just wondered if others have ever felt so confused. How can doing the right thing be so painful. How can the right decision keep coming back into your mind totally transformed into the wrong one! Sorry to ramble, I've read this post back and I am stuggling to follow my own train of thought. If anyone can follow it then I would really like to know that I am not going mad. Thanks for reading.
Jane Deaux Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 Doesn't sound like your going mad to me. You seem to be at a certain point in your R and you know what you have to do to get past it. You need more out of life and a R than secrets and half truths and you realize that even though you love this man, he won't give it to you. It's quite possible you were hoping this stance would cause him to see what he was missing. And for him to say that you were right and it wouldn't work out and you did need to stop was probably a huge blow to your heart. So yeah, the pain is normal. It's also not going to go away anytime soon. What you have to do though, is try to live through the pain. Don't just exist and wallow in the pain for any extended period of time. That makes it harder to move on. Take care of you, get up, get dressed nice, put makeup on, feel good about yourself. Go do stuff. Listen to happy songs. Roll the windows down, take a walk, and be around people. Everything that can make you forget just for a few minutes that your heart is broken. If you get out of solitude for just a little while each day, the process of moving on won't take quite as long. And you have to be strong knowing its a possibility for him to contact you again. Maybe even tell you things he thinks you want to hear in order to resume contact. Heck, he may even believe and intend to do things to be with you, but chances are, it will be just like it was. Him being married and you needing a real relationship. I know it seems as if you can love no one like you loved him. That it isn't just about his qualities, that you guys had a connection that you can't possibly have with another man, ect. ect. ect. But that's not true. But right now, you can't focus on that. You can't believe those things about him or think like that. You don't even have to think about other men yet. Just focus on YOU right now. And when the time is right, you will know. If you try to force any kind of chemistry with someone else before you are ready it will only serve to make you feel that you were right and there is no other man for you. You have to get past this one to be able to fall for someone else. So right now, get your heart healed. Go do things that make you feel strong. It can feel so good being a strong, independent woman in the world enjoying life!!!
jeweleestar Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 Holly First, good for you for saying no! I am on Day 6 of NC attempt number 3. It hurts, I question so many things that I have done and that he is doing. These doubts always seem to be in the back of my head, and heart. I know that saying no is not easy. I am struggling with it every day. I have not heard from him since Sunday, so that makes my NC a little easier, but I know that more than likely he will "test out the waters" as you say. It won't be the first time he has done that and I respond just how he wants me to. I have told myself that I am not going to be accessible to him anymore via texts, emails, whatever. I keep telling myself that a true relationship is not built over texts and stolen moments. Hang in there. Many of us are in your same spots and struggle with the same thing you are. Your post came at a point where I was needing a little moral support, so thank you! Hugs and keep it up! I am proud of you and am going to follow your lead.
seren Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 Holly, beside wishing A's never happened, I wish more OW/OM would say No and say they aren't putting up with being available when the MP expects them to be. In this way, I think that the MP has to make a decision to be honest with both the AP and the BS. It would save a whole world of hurt and gaslighting and prevent both BS and OP wasting their time with someone who wasn't committed to either the marriage or the affiar. I think that you are drawing your own line in the sand is admirable, I understand it is hurtful, but you have stated what works for you and at the end of the day, we are all responsible for our own happiness and boundaries. I hope you can maintain NC and things get easier.
fooled once Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 Been in R with MM for nearly 2 years. Read a lot on this forum over the time and related to so much. The highs and lows, the excitement of the texts/e-mails phone calls and also the pain of periods of NC and LC (he has always instigated them). We have had recent period of LC, only communicated when absolutely neccessary about work related issues. I was beginning to feel better, less obsessed, more focussed on everyday life.....even able to leave my phone at home! Then 2 weeks ago he texed me, he was clearly testing the situation out .....wanted to know if I was still interested I guess. Well, despite what my head told me, I said yes. Things went quiet again but suprise suprise I went right back to square one, missing him, checking phone making plans in my head. But perhaps not totally back to square one because for the first time I began to realise that NC and space had begun to heal the pain. I hate myself for being so stupid as to let all those bad feelings, false hopes and the constant internal turmoil return. At times it felt as if my head would burst trying to rationalise and second guess what he was thinking, how he was feeling. 'was he missing me' ' was he out of touch because he was unable to phone' 'is he just using me' on and on and on. anyway he contacted again and suggested we meet, for the first time ever in the R I said 'no'. told him that I couldn't carry on like this, needed more from him. He just said ok thats fair enough, you are right, it can never work out and it needs to stop. Now I feel in despair, I know this is right, but sometimes I feel I can hardly breathe, the pain is like a physical pressure, a heavy ache in my chest. Whilst I knew it had to stop, now that it has happened I can't believe it has actually happened. That it was me in the end that pushed him away. Maybe if I'd not said anything then he would have come around....I know, I know this is maddness but I guess I just wondered if others have ever felt so confused. How can doing the right thing be so painful. How can the right decision keep coming back into your mind totally transformed into the wrong one! Sorry to ramble, I've read this post back and I am stuggling to follow my own train of thought. If anyone can follow it then I would really like to know that I am not going mad. Thanks for reading. You aren't going mad. You have realized you are no longer willing to be someone who sits and waits for any kind of acknowledgement from a married guy. You have realized you are not going to be used. You have realized you are not willing to settle for less than being #1 with someone. GOOD FOR YOU! Yes, the pain of it ending hurts. But you need to feel the pain, to go through it, to let yourself understand that while you cared for him, he cared more about himself and his wife/family. Do not ever settle for being an option for anyone. Cry, grieve and then slowly start to heal. Start to realize you are worth more than an occasional booty call. Have more respect for YOU and don't let anyone ever disrespect you like this in the future. Good luck. I hope you work through this quickly and you begin to realize life is better without him in it.
TurboGirl Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 Good for you! Understand the fear/despair/turbulence in your heart. Stand your ground, don't go back to the guy. He can't really ever be there for you, and deep down you know. Have been there -- very confused about 2 months ago.. at 8 weeks of NC, because I stood my ground and my xMM didn't like it, and dumped me via text message after 2.5 years! So I quite understand the confusion, like your world is spinning, and you have to figure out how to get your feet back on the ground. Please... stay in NC. Give yourself time to grieve, cry, wail... and start doing things that make you happy... get your nails done, clean your closets, go for a ride, see some friends, get a mocha frapp at Starbucks, whatever it takes to stay in NC. Trust me: the dust will settle, you will start to feel better in a little bit, the confusion will fade and you will see that you said NO in a moment of true clarity, a gift - where you stood up for yourself and said I AM WORTH MORE!!
Author hollygirl Posted April 24, 2011 Author Posted April 24, 2011 Thank you all for your support and encouragement. They have been a great help over the last 24 hours. What you have to do though, is try to live through the pain. Don't just exist and wallow in the pain for any extended period of time. That makes it harder to move on. Take care of you, get up, get dressed nice, put makeup on, feel good about yourself. Go do stuff. Listen to happy songs. Roll the windows down, take a walk, and be around people. Everything that can make you forget just for a few minutes that your heart is broken. If you get out of solitude for just a little while each day, the process of moving on won't take quite as long. Jane, thank you for this advice I did try to follow it, went for a walk, and spent time with friends. It does help, the distractions work but just when I start to feel better the waves of saddness catch me off guard and it is a real battle not to let them overwhelm me and reach for my phone to send a text. I haven't done it yet, I really want to be strong. First, good for you for saying no! I am on Day 6 of NC attempt number 3. It hurts, I question so many things that I have done and that he is doing. These doubts always seem to be in the back of my head, and heart. I know that saying no is not easy. I am struggling with it every day. I have not heard from him since Sunday, so that makes my NC a little easier, but I know that more than likely he will "test out the waters" as you say. It won't be the first time he has done that and I respond just how he wants me to. I have told myself that I am not going to be accessible to him anymore via texts, emails, whatever. I keep telling myself that a true relationship is not built over texts and stolen moments. Hang in there. Many of us are in your same spots and struggle with the same thing you are. Your post came at a point where I was needing a little moral support, so thank you! Hugs and keep it up! I am proud of you and am going to follow your lead. Jewel, I am so sorry you are going through the same thing. I can so relate to all the questions that go through your mind, there are times when I just wish there was a switch in my head that I could turn off. Lets try and be strong together...we are worth more. You aren't going mad. You have realized you are no longer willing to be someone who sits and waits for any kind of acknowledgement from a married guy. You have realized you are not going to be used. You have realized you are not willing to settle for less than being #1 with someone. GOOD FOR YOU! you will see that you said NO in a moment of true clarity, a gift - where you stood up for yourself and said I AM WORTH MORE!! You are both so right, I think it was a moment of clarity, probably the first bit of sensible thinking I've had for a long time!! I do feel a little better today, I know I have done the right thing. I am just terrified that I will crack and make contact in a moment of weakness. Why can't I accept there can be no future with him. I think that 'hoping for the best' and 'being optimistic', whilst positive feelings in other situations, are coping mechanisms which are so detrimental when applied to feeling for MM. Thanks again, here's to keeping strong.
Holding-On Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 That it was me in the end that pushed him away. Maybe if I'd not said anything then he would have come around....I know, I know this is maddness but I guess I just wondered if others have ever felt so confused. How can doing the right thing be so painful. How can the right decision keep coming back into your mind totally transformed into the wrong one! Sorry to ramble, I've read this post back and I am stuggling to follow my own train of thought. If anyone can follow it then I would really like to know that I am not going mad. Thanks for reading. Nope. You did nothing "wrong". If you had responded as per usual he would have kept going as per usual. He was never going to come around based on how easily he dropped you when you put up a boundary. I am saying this to support you! Clearly you made the right choice.
Hazyhead Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 Wow, Holly, you should be so proud of yourself. I totally get that, right now, your head is spinning with the potential consequences of your actions, particularly the part that cuts him out of your life after loving him for so long, but grieving is the first part of getting over him and the A. You do deserve better than what he offers and please keep this in mind when missing him so much encourages the urge for contact. Stick with the NC. You've been incredibly strong - keep it up.
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