Eternal Sunshine Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 I am just curious... I saw him last night and tonight. Both nights went kind of meh. Last night we went to a dance class and then just walked along the river afterwards and chilled at some lounge. When we first started dating, the conversation was always lively and exciting. Now it was just OK...almost like not having much to talk about..(this has happened to me in the past around this stage in relationship, it's like boredom sets in). It's not really his fault, I could feel myself being boring and feeling bored. Tonight, he cooked me dinner and we watched movies at his place...again it wasn't really lively. We couldn't do anything too sexual because I got my period yesterday. It's always heavy and painful for me so I wasn't really in the mood for even giving him a BJ. We made out for a bit. I decided to tell him that my periods are extra painful and heavy (for the sake of being open and him not thinking that I don't desire him) and he just looked awkward This has always been my problem. I can generate fun and exciting atmosphere for few weeks or up to 2 months, depending on the guy but then my normal boring self just sets in. It's like I told them all my funny stories, my usual jokes and there is nothing else left. NO changes in his demeanor yet, he just texted me "good night beautiful". He also seems to still strongly sexually desires me. But still...I feel like if this continues - I will get bored too. It's like ever since we have upped seeing each other to 4 times a week now, it's gotten like this. But then again, for a LTR we will need to spend even MORE time together than that. I just dunno...I really think that I have some serious personality flaw.
jerbear Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 Stop finding faults. Having quiet nights and walks is kinda normal after awhile. You two won't be having wild adrenaline dates every time. The dance class should be a little exciting. It seems like you two have settled into a routine. If routine is what you dislike maybe you should suggest things and spice things up. It seems like you like spontaneous things.
Ross MwcFan Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 ^ Yup. And once your period has gone, you can both start banging away at each other again.
Darren Taylor Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 OP, I read quite a few of your threads before I joined. You always seem to be looking for faults. Always looking for something wrong so you can say that it wasn't your fault if things go sour. You can't have spontaneous dates all the time.
Mrlonelyone Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 Yes that's normal. However let me put it this way. Is this the man your going to marry? Married life is in the end the every day grind day in day out. For most people it does get boring. BUT NOT FOR ALL PEOPLE. There exist couples who get married are married for decades and maybe not every single day, but most days is an exciting adventure. They go and do things they excite eachother in more ways than just sex. (Sex is really cheap in the end.) If he is not "the one" then you are under no obligation to stick around if you are bored. You look like a young person. You are at a point in your life where you can date man after man after man. Until you find a man who never ever bores you. Don't be so quick to tie yourself down.
welikeincrowds Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 I just dunno...I really think that I have some serious personality flaw. Yes, you do, it's called Neuroticism. It doesn't help that you also have a knack for drama. A good SO is a good friend, and a good friend is someone you get to be mundane around. How awesome is that? Here you have someone with whom you can perform, and god forbid be the yourself when you're not "on", that lies around in your underwear and eats chocolate chips or whatever it is you women do. A general theme to your post is that you want security, and it's a tangible goal. You're plotting out all this data: what his texts mean, how sexual you've been, the average amount of time spent per week that qualifies for LTR. You're just afraid of losing the relationship, as per usual. Hopefully you can chill out and see this to its end, rather than trying to predict it. It will end, you know. I know you want to protect yourself from heartbreak and disappointment, but you can't. Keep in mind, by the way, that at 2 months, this person is still a stranger to you, in obscure ways. Picture some close friends of yours, whom you can call up at any time to have a wonderful conversation, or spend hours a day every week, and it's the best thing in the world. That's a sort of love, and with it comes the comfort of forgiveness. They'll still like you if your jokes are bad, if you have a ****ty haircut, if you have a fight with them. That's because you know who these people are, and they know who you are. They saw the gradual bits and pieces of you and each time they said "I like it", until they came to a gestalt fundamental acceptance of who you are, and you of them. How great is that? But it takes years to get to that point. Anyway, he's been entertaining and a distraction for you, and with any luck he will continue to be, despite not being "on" all the time. However, there's all sorts of other interesting **** in the world, way more interesting then whatever it is you two do together. He doesn't have to be your primary source of entertainment, I mean I'd hope there will be more to it than that.
iris219 Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 Having nights where nothing super exciting happens and the conversation isn’t profound, yes that’s normal. But when my ex and I had these nights, I wouldn’t say I was bored. I was simply glad to be spending time with him. Being there was very enjoyable. I was content, which is very different than bored. I stayed with my ex for so long, even though we weren’t compatible, because I was rarely bored with him--and I get bored with others easily. There have been times in the past with other guys where I’ve felt very bored (and like I wanted to run away or scream). For me it depends on who I’m with.
counterman Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 It is normal to have those ordinary days. I agree with what others said. Mix it up and spice things up once in a while. And if he is your only source of entertainment, then you do have your friends and others things you can do with or without him.
zengirl Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 To answer the initial question: I have, on occasion, felt bored on dates in a perfectly healthy relationship. I've also felt bummed, restless, annoyed, blah, or whatever, mostly because of MYSELF and nothing having to do with the date. Sometimes, I'm just not in the mood, but plans are already made, and you roll with it. That definitely happens. Sometimes the plans pull me out of a funk; sometimes they don't. But we all have funks, so if the boredom/blahness was internal (i.e. It wasn't like HE bored the crap out of you, but you were just a bit on that vibration anyway), I think that's totally normal. Once and awhile. Two nights in a row, I'd count as one, because it could just be the mood you're in, especially with your period being painful and such. Being in pain doesn't tend to lend itself towards being exciting and dynamic. HOWEVER, I am rarely bored, so rarely bored on dates. Are you often bored by yourself? I sort of disagree with the notion that other people should entertain us or make us happy. You have to make yourself happy. (That's not to say that all people allow me to remain happy. There are definitely people that bore me. In that case, I think, "Wow, I'd have more fun doing this alone!" And that tells me all I need to know.) A few points: Last night we went to a dance class and then just walked along the river afterwards and chilled at some lounge. When we first started dating, the conversation was always lively and exciting. Now it was just OK...almost like not having much to talk about..(this has happened to me in the past around this stage in relationship, it's like boredom sets in). It's not really his fault, I could feel myself being boring and feeling bored. What you've done here is take a miniscule event --- one night, where you weren't even feeling all that well --- and turned it into a pattern and allowed it to be way stronger than it needs to be. That makes it much more likely the conversation will be muted again because of this belief you have of "what happens" to you. You'll probably have to release that limiting belief to have a strong relationship. The way you word your thoughts controls a lot of your thoughts and actions in the moment. There is an issue with spending a lot of time together, if you talk about so many things, in theory, I guess, but in spending that time together, I've always started to have inside jokes and things to talk about. So, it's a double-edged sword. However, you have to keep having a life outside the relationship if you want new things to talk about constantly. I'm not saying what that life has to be. Hell, some people watch reality TV and talk about that. Personally, I do activities weekly, I read articles daily, I watch shows regularly, I see my friends. . . I get new stories, interests, and things to discuss weekly and daily, and I cannot even tell stories from work all that often (it's borderline unethical IMO to tell stories about current students, as a teacher). Most people have work too! I don't understand how people lack things to talk about, but I guess I'm talky. Tonight, he cooked me dinner and we watched movies at his place...again it wasn't really lively. We couldn't do anything too sexual because I got my period yesterday. It's always heavy and painful for me so I wasn't really in the mood for even giving him a BJ. We made out for a bit. I decided to tell him that my periods are extra painful and heavy (for the sake of being open and him not thinking that I don't desire him) and he just looked awkward Well, that IS awkward. Doesn't mean it's bad. You've just told a man about lady problems (which they're naturally socialized to think is awkard to hear about) AND you said you were in pain to a guy who cares about you and theoretically doesn't like it when you're in pain. You also just made a big deal about not having sex, probably --- from the way you word it here. I've told a guy I was in that time and that's why no sex before, but never like it was a big deal. Because it's really not. I've never met a decent guy (BF material) who was upset we couldn't have sex for a few days. It's just like a "Bummer, I really want to, but not for a few days --- it'll be even better sex then" kind of thing for both of us.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted April 23, 2011 Author Posted April 23, 2011 Thanks guys, lots of good points here. Yeah, it mostly was me. I felt blah all day yesterday and today. I know periods are not an issue for most women but I have endometriosis (meaning really bad pain). I need my bf to know this even if he feels awkward. I really wanted to cancel today's date because I knew I wasn't feeling that great. But bf was pretty excited about cooking for me and has been texting me all day about it. I just didn't have the heart to cancel. I just hope he is not getting bored with me BTW zengirl, I am naturally not a big talker so doing a lot of talking is not easy for me.
zengirl Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 Thanks guys, lots of good points here. Yeah, it mostly was me. I felt blah all day yesterday and today. I know periods are not an issue for most women but I have endometriosis (meaning really bad pain). I need my bf to know this even if he feels awkward. I really wanted to cancel today's date because I knew I wasn't feeling that great. But bf was pretty excited about cooking for me and has been texting me all day about it. I just didn't have the heart to cancel. I just hope he is not getting bored with me BTW zengirl, I am naturally not a big talker so doing a lot of talking is not easy for me. I think it's okay to have silences too. If you're not a big talker, when you get married, you won't suddenly become one. You'll have silent times. I think accepting that and being true to who you are is just fine. My parents aren't huge talkers. They have a great relationship, and they certainly speak everyday (it'd be weird if they didn't, living together) but they do lots of things without a ton of chatter. I'm just a chatterbox. Everyone is different! It doesn't sound like he's at all losing interest. And I'm sure he understands you weren't feeling well.
Mme. Chaucer Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 Every relationship reaches the point of becoming routine, if it lasts long enough. It's up to the people involved to find ways of maintaining the excitement, while at the same time EMBRACING the new phase ... if you both wish to continue. People who are really together can encompass both things. Happy loving couples spend time together reading - separate books! Healthy relationships have to come to a point where the people are not required to give one another undivided attention and thrills, and where drama and excitement are the exception rather than the rule ... or else they cannot survive. Can you deal with that?
Star Gazer Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 You just NEED and CRAVE drama and excitement and OVER-THE-TOP romance in order to remain interested. That's a major problem, and one that I really have no idea how you can fix.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted April 25, 2011 Author Posted April 25, 2011 We went to the winery tour and had a great time. There are so many little things that my bf does that are so wonderful. Like he texted me the morning before to ask me if I want him to make sandwiches for us in case there is not enough food and we are hungry He insisted on buying me my favorite bottle of wine (despite paying for the whole tour) and he also bought two separate bottles for my parents and my brother based on their preferences (which he remembered!). Then I sneaked in and bought him his favorite bottle (I have to REALLY REALLY insist or this guy won't let me pay for anything). My back got stiff from sitting in the bus and he gave me a massage there.. I can't see him again until friday due to my work commitments and even though he asked to see me before friday, he was perfectly understanding. He is just one in a million
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted April 25, 2011 Author Posted April 25, 2011 You'll dump him for the exciting jerkoff on crack within a week. Maybe few years ago but not now. No way, no how. Not letting him go ever (unless he dumps me first)....
MissJoness Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 I had the same type of boredom occur when I had a boyfriend a long time ago. I was so bored with the relationshp that it depressed me. It made me feel very lonely because I had someone right there with me, yet I still felt lonely and bored out of my mind. I figured it was because I wasn't head over heels in love w/ him. Have you thought about planning a trip somewhere? Maybe that will give you something new & exciting to talk about..
ASG Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 Where did that come from? It came from a troll! I've now taken to reporting him, since he's taken to insult. He insulted you cause you weren't completely in love with a man (that he wanted to be) when (in his mind) that man was devoted to you and doing everything right (as he thinks he will/would do) and you just weren't appreciative!
Saraswati57 Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 OP, Blow him silly, that will likely inject a lot of excitement into your lives. I just now realized I shouldn't be allowed to post on internet forums when I'm sleep-deprived.
musemaj11 Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 When Im looking for an LTR potential, I imagine myself spending boring times with that person when I meet someone. If the thought of it still excites me, then I know that person is an LTR material. Sometimes I could meet a very hot girl whom I felt strong attraction for. But when I started to think long term and imagine spending boring times at home doing nothing, I suddenly felt immediate loss of attraction.
kalikula Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 I think it is really important that you enjoy being with your partner especially when you're not doing anything. For me, my significant other has to be someone that I'm comfortable talking to about anything, someone I can be playful with pretty much all the time because that's my personality I guess. I do think it is very important that you really enjoy being with them. For me it is kind of like being with my best friend- we just hit it off so well, have great conversations about anything, and I can be around them all day and not get bored. But you do have to give it time to get to the stage where you're comfortable enough to feel like that.
threebyfate Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 I like "boring" nights since I don't consider them boring. We're home with our son fast asleep in his crib, sitting on the couch watching Game 7. It's nice to relax with loved ones. Enjoy your time together, making it about you and him and your connection, rather than relying on exciting dates to create a good feeling. It's even okay to not talk for awhile.
ScreamingTrees Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 OP needs to stop looking for problems with this guy. You HONESTLY can't be expecting every day for the rest of your life to be some sort of magical fairytale adventure? You're going to go through significant others like cancer-stricken hamsters spending all of their money going out and finding new places to go.. they're all going to die of exhaustion..
John Michael Kane Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 OP needs to stop looking for problems with this guy. You HONESTLY can't be expecting every day for the rest of your life to be some sort of magical fairytale adventure? You're going to go through significant others like cancer-stricken hamsters spending all of their money going out and finding new places to go.. they're all going to die of exhaustion.. You know how a lot of women are. They only live for the thrill.
USCGAviator Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 Invite him to join you with an activity or hobby you enjoy. jogging, bike riding, kayaking, window shopping or whatever. When your sharing moments doing things together you'll find a new spark and appreciation for each others company.
Recommended Posts