Author Rooke Posted April 24, 2011 Author Posted April 24, 2011 Rooke, did he ask you to relocate? Yes he did, but let me explain, perhaps it's not as bad as I'm making out! He's from London and I used to live in London so that's where we met. After about a month, he moved to Bath with BS and I stayed in London. He vanished on me for a month, then asked me to go and see him, which I did, that went on for about a month, then BS found that (that was the second time she found out) then after 9 months he got back in touch, last August was the first time he said he would leave, then I text him when I wasn't supposed to, then he changed his number. Then I moved back home so it was impossible for us to see each other so he said instead of going back to London I should move to Bristol and I said I would but only on the understanding he would leave her... So he said yes, just come and I'll leave.
Author Rooke Posted April 24, 2011 Author Posted April 24, 2011 P.s that was in January, we even looked at flats and furniture, then he dropped that bombshell and expected me to carry on business as usual, I pressured him to tell her, then he called and said his phone was broken, that I'd left him with nothing, no relationship and no roof over his head and he said goodbye, look after yourself, that he was going to kill himself etc, that was two weeks ago today and his phone has been switched off ever since and heard nothing from him, despite everyone saying he will be in touch.
turnstone Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 Rooke, why have you tried to call him? Do you not see the emotional blackmail he is using on you? He's going to kill himself? Uh huh. And how did you leave him with nothing? He was supposed to be with you if he told his wife, wasn't he? As far as relocating, I can think of worse places than Bristol, but I hope you've got friends there that can support you in this. What are you doing to distract yourself?
Author Rooke Posted April 24, 2011 Author Posted April 24, 2011 Rooke, why have you tried to call him? Do you not see the emotional blackmail he is using on you? He's going to kill himself? Uh huh. And how did you leave him with nothing? He was supposed to be with you if he told his wife, wasn't he? As far as relocating, I can think of worse places than Bristol, but I hope you've got friends there that can support you in this. What are you doing to distract yourself? I haven't tried to call him, I sent him a text that day that hasn't come back as delivered. I pressured him to tell her because he was telling me he wanted to be a good Dad so the way I saw it, was that he couldn't go on living a lie if he wants to be a good Father. The way he see's it is that if I hadn't pressured him, he wouldn't have told her and she wouldn't have kicked him out. I don't really know many people here, I've just gotten a part time job in addition to my full time one so I'm hoping that will help me meet new people and keep me busy.
turnstone Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 You say his phone has been turned off ever since you last spoke with him. How would you know that if you hadn't called him? Your text would have been undelivered if he had blocked your number. As far as losing everything, wasn't the point that he would have had a roof over his head if he'd told her because he'd have been with you? If you don't want to run a million miles from this guy, you have a problem.
Author Rooke Posted April 24, 2011 Author Posted April 24, 2011 You say his phone has been turned off ever since you last spoke with him. How would you know that if you hadn't called him? Your text would have been undelivered if he had blocked your number. As far as losing everything, wasn't the point that he would have had a roof over his head if he'd told her because he'd have been with you? If you don't want to run a million miles from this guy, you have a problem. He can't block my number because we're on the same network and I called them about blocking his number and they said it's not a service they offer. In theory yes, but then he told me he'd been lying to me, so therefore in his eyes, I shouldn't have pressured him, I should have let it lie and let things carry on and just be happy being his bit on the side. I do want to run away from him, it's just a turbulent process. The prospect of him making contact scares me, if he just leaves me alone, I'll be fine.
Hazyhead Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 Rooke, when I read your posts I learn far more about your xMM, or your speculations about him, than I do about you. At the moment all your thoughts are taken up by how he might be dealing, in the hope I suppose that he's crushed and is about to come running back. I remember this phase... when I was in NC for him, because he had initiated it, rather than for myself - to help me move forward and recover. During this period, where everything you do, or think, relates to him, your self-esteem suffers massively. Sure, you think that he won't manage without you and will come running back, BUT your every move is still controlled by him. Do you see? You don't do things for yourself, you do them according to how it could lead you back to him. Or maybe I'm wrong, in which case, I apologise. Think about this: what could you do during this period of NC which may or may not last, that will benefit you? Just you. I know you'll still be thinking about him and pining over him - that's natural, but there is a time when faking it until you make it really pays off. So, is there anything you can do during these next few days, for instance, that takes you away from the obsession about the A for a bit. If there is it will help you move closer to learning how NC can be about what's good for you, too. I haven't responded to your worries about your MM or his wife because my concern is only for you, and those thoughts, at this time, won't help you. Try to remember who you were before you gave yourself up for him. What would Rooke have done with her time before him? You are a better person than he allows you to be and you deserve more. Take care and please try to think more about yourself. Hugs Hazy
turnstone Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 He can't block my number because we're on the same network and I called them about blocking his number and they said it's not a service they offer. Really? I've never heard of that. I use Vodafone and O2 when I'm in the UK, and I have used Orange and TMobile, all of which do offer the service. You must be on a different one. Either that, or maybe, shock horror, he has killed himself. In theory yes, but then he told me he'd been lying to me, so therefore in his eyes, I shouldn't have pressured him, I should have let it lie and let things carry on and just be happy being his bit on the side. I do want to run away from him, it's just a turbulent process. The prospect of him making contact scares me, if he just leaves me alone, I'll be fine. That's extremely convoluted and twisted. So you mean so little to him that he wants you only as his bit on the side, but he still told his wife about you. Doesn't stack up. And besides, why tell if he wasn't going to be with you - in the hope that what? She'd agree to him having a mistress? That you'd be fine with that arrangement. Someone somewhere hasn't thought it through. His demise is looking more and more appealing, although I'm sure you won't have to worry about what shade of black to wear, men that treat others like this, are far too self-absorbed to do themselves much harm. I think you need to examine why you won't be fine if he gets in contact, despite knowing what a **** he is, and start dealing with that part of yourself. I'm about to go get a massage, I recommend it.
whichwayisup Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 (edited) In theory yes, but then he told me he'd been lying to me, so therefore in his eyes, I shouldn't have pressured him, I should have let it lie and let things carry on and just be happy being his bit on the side. I do want to run away from him, it's just a turbulent process. The prospect of him making contact scares me, if he just leaves me alone, I'll be fine. I said it before and yes it's a pain in the butt, but change your number. Moving new numbers, letting people know your new number but it'll be worth it as he won't be calling you on that new number. You cannot rely on him just not contacting you. YOU have to be strong as well and be able to not answer if he does call. Question, would you let a single guy treat you the way your MM does? or has? And then still pine away for him? Where's your anger and disguist? This guy is scum and you've been letting him treat you like crap. Why would you want to hear from him? Imagine the ego feed he gets! In his mind he knows he can lie, be rude, treat you like crap, make you feel anything he wants you to, and then play games with you, yet you still want him... I'm sure that makes him feel like a KING. To have a woman who he can do anything to and she still comes back for more. Do NOT answer that phone if calls. Find YOUR ego and pride! Don't give him that boost of knowing you'll cave to him. Edited April 24, 2011 by whichwayisup
hollygirl Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 so he said instead of going back to London I should move to Bristol and I said I would but only on the understanding he would leave her... So he said yes, just come and I'll leave. He has treated you so badly. How could he have even suggested you moving if he was never going to follow through on his plan to leave BW. You have to hold firm, please do not let him have this hold on you. From my own perspective, when I was in the full throws of A, days when I didn't see or hear from him were like 'dead' days...days just to be got through. Since it has ended....I really hope it has and I can be strong....everyday seems like a dead day and even though I feel such despair at times I think I still realise that this is no way to live. Going back will inevitably lead to more of the same. We have to realise we are at risk of wasting a huge bit of our lives. We are worth more.....keep repeating that!!
TurboGirl Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 Rooke, what kind of man would ask you to move across the country... and then disappear!? Mean spirited, self serving, and sounds to me like he will contact you when HE is good & ready. I think he wants both of you. I know this time without hearing from him has felt like a lifetime to you and you probably just can't believe someone would do such a thing. Please don't attempt to contact him, and PLEASE PLEASE do not even think about paying back any money that he lent/gave to you! You "sending him money" is just an attempt to reestablish contact and open the door. Might not get you the result you are hoping for and at this point I sense you are still hoping to get him back, but chances are very high (IMHO) that he will cash the check and go back to his wife! Then if you think you feel badly now, it will be quite worse. No man, and you will be out the money. Obviously he doesn't need it, or he would have contacted you for the money by this point, sweetie. This MM, IMHO, is a complete cake eater, and wants it all. Plus, he is mean and cruel to have done that to you - take you away from everything you know, to a different town and then bail on you! I can only imagine what this has done to your self esteem. Your posts indicate that you are still pretty concerned & worried about him, and you must get beyond that! You are worth much more than the half attentions from this MM, and deserve the full attention and love from a man who is free to give it. One who will be there for you, not disappearing when he chooses and popping back into your life when he chooses, expecting to be allowed back in. I know you are in a new town... why not try & make the best of it there, with your new job? Make some new friends and start fresh. Do anything to keep your mind off of this xMM. He is no good. Once guys start behaving like this, and you take them back once/twice/thrice it sets a pattern and erodes your self esteem. TAKE BACK YOUR POWER! This guy is not worth anything, and he has shown it. (((HUGS)))) stay strong, you will feel better in another few weeks. When he contacts, don't let him in.
TaraMaiden Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 He can't block my number because we're on the same network and I called them about blocking his number and they said it's not a service they offer. which network? AFAIK (and I've used the 3 main ones, so far - O2, Orange, TMobile....) I've been able to deny access to certain numbers on all 3. O2 even offer a series of different responses to give to blocked numbers. hell, my phone doesn't even ring! A friend of mine is on '3Mobile, and she can block numbers... Here - try this.... http://uk.ask.com/question/how-to-block-numbers-on-a-mobile-phone I hate to say it, but all your protests are half-hearted. Like I said - stop making excuses. comments like this - There's part of me that thinks that if I send it, he has no reason to get in touch. - Just go to prove how hopeful you are that you can still be in his life, be a priority and still mean something to him. This is INSANE!! You need to quit saying one thing but meaning, hoping, wishing and praying for the opposite. If you're going to call an end to this, your every thought, word and deed must be resolved to it being completely over. If you believe that you have not the strength nor the determination to end this, but feel that his reappearance will simply tip you back into his life at his whim, to do with as he so chooses - then say so. But do not prevaricate. You're not fooling us - and the only thing you're doing is kidding yourself. C'mon, kiddo - get tough!!
Author Rooke Posted April 24, 2011 Author Posted April 24, 2011 There's an iPhone app that blocks numbers, I promise I will do that. However I don't have to worry about that for a few days because I left my charger in a hotel so will have to wait til they send it back. Perhaps I left it on purpose to give myself some breathing space and hopefully when I get it charged again, I won't be too concerned about whether he calls or not. I thought it only fair I return him the money, we did agree I would pay it back at the end of April and I don't like to be in debt to people. Perhaps I can let this slide, seeing as he's such a scumbag and consider it compensation I doubt he has done him self in, he's too much of a coward, I know people say it's the cowards way out, but it must be pretty scary going through with it, and he's far too much of a coward to face up to the fear of pain if he was to kil himself. The NC probably is to make me think he has done it, and that I will have to live with it, but when he realises I haven't come to chase him, then he'll probably think I don't care, which sometimes, I really don't, and I dare say that if I was suicidal, then he wouldn't care if I went through with it either, so I'm not going to offer him the same concern. I think the hardest thing to come to terms with, is for allowing myself to believe that he loved me, and that he cared about me, when in fact, he didn't, and also that I moved for him, really thinking we were going to spend the rest of our lives together and when I look back now, I see how stupid it was, that I didn't learn from his past behaviour and that I was so ready to believe he was capable of change. I think I deserve it really, being dragged here when I should have known he was lying, so I've made my bed and I'll just have to lie in it. I really don't think he will be in touch, and that's really not me hoping deep down that he will or not wanting to jinx it, it's just that I've been through various d days before and this one feels different, more final, somehow, So all I can do is take the opportunity of not having him around, to bury my feelings for him I will have a think about where I want to be and what I want to do, and what I want to achieve and work on setting myself some goals and focusing solely on myself, instead of just drifitng along and allowing myself to be swept away by someone else who is full of s***
so-wrong Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 He told me he didn't want children, he told me when they met they'd been married two years (and that was two years ago) Whether any of that is the truth or not...I don't know, and will never know. The previous two d days we've had he's never said goodbye, just vanished and this time he did call to say goodbye. So as far as he's concerned I guess it's over. So what predicament would that leave you in with your H if he was to get in touch? Hmmm.... I really can't answer that as I haven't even allowed myself to consider what would happen if he got in touch. I have assured my H that I won't have an A ever again & I mean it, so if anything was to happen with MM, it would have to be totally above board & serious decisions would have to be made on both sides. Chances of that ever happening are probably about 5% (at best) so not really worth considering. I know for a fact that I couldn't tell H if MM got in touch because he'd go seriously mental. Hope you've had a good day today & are feeling positive about things?
Emme Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 :bunny:HUG:bunny: Yay Rooke! I am so happy to read your post. At first I thought you weren't going to make it for a while with him not calling you. Now look at you. You are a strong woman and I am gald you've choosen to walk in another direction. I'm not saying it's going to be easy because it's like going through withdrawl... it is actually. I am happy for you. Keep it up!
Author Rooke Posted April 24, 2011 Author Posted April 24, 2011 :bunny:HUG:bunny: Yay Rooke! I am so happy to read your post. At first I thought you weren't going to make it for a while with him not calling you. Now look at you. You are a strong woman and I am gald you've choosen to walk in another direction. I'm not saying it's going to be easy because it's like going through withdrawl... it is actually. I am happy for you. Keep it up! I had a bad day today, you know one of those days where everything goes wrong?! So I'm feeling pretty low right now, but good news is I don't think it's him related, I am generally just feeling sorry for myself cause my day sucked! Well, there's a thought, if he and I were still together, would he have even been here to give me a hug and make things better? Nope. So I may as well be alone. Thanks for the big hugs, big hugs to you too :bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny:
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