Accepting it's over.

[Rooke]

I think I'm ready to accept that it's over.

That I'll never see him again and hear from him and that I've no choice except to move on.

It's going to be hard. But it's a worse choice to continue being in love with someone who isn't a good person.

I've made mistakes and bad choices but hopefully I can redeem myself somehow.

[hollygirl]

Hi Rooke,

 

I think you are doing really well, keep it up, think positive and know that things will get better.

 

I have followed your story and now I am trying to cope with the end of my own R with MM. Seeing you move forward is helping me to stay focused on what I know I have to do.

 

Good luck and keep moving forward

[Rooke]

Hi Rooke,

 

I think you are doing really well, keep it up, think positive and know that things will get better.

 

I have followed your story and now I am trying to cope with the end of my own R with MM. Seeing you move forward is helping me to stay focused on what I know I have to do.

 

Good luck and keep moving forward

 

That's good! I'm glad I'm keeping you positive. I must admit my positivity comes and goes!

Are you expecting to hear from your MM? How long has it been for NC?

[so-wrong]

I think I'm ready to accept that it's over.

That I'll never see him again and hear from him and that I've no choice except to move on.

It's going to be hard. But it's a worse choice to continue being in love with someone who isn't a good person.

I've made mistakes and bad choices but hopefully I can redeem myself somehow.

 

Rooke, whatever you do, please don't beat yourself up. At the end of the day, having an A was wrong but he's the one in a M, not you. We're all human & in the wrong place at the wrong time, we can all make mistakes. So forgive yourself first & foremost.

 

I'm not convinced you're totally ready to let go of MM but it's good that you're trying. Every day without contact is a step towards greater strength for you. Like others on LS, I record the number of days NC using a phone app, which does give me a (small) boost.

 

You asked me the other day why I'm in NC with my MM & whether I believe he'll break it at some stage. To cut short a VERY long story, he was initially the one who initiated NC, though for the last month I have done the same. He is older than me & has been with his W for the whole of his adult life. He wants me to let him try to rescue his M & regain the love & trust of family including his adult children who have lost so much respect for him. For these reasons he will not break NC, but knowing how selfish & egotistical he is, there will come a time when he will crave the love & attention I gave him. At that point & if things remain difficult at home, I believe he may come back. Then again I could be way off the mark, time will tell. And time will also tell as to what I do if & when that time comes?

 

Hope you're still making the most of your mum's company. You really must be so strong to cope being so far from home, I live really close to mine & would struggle without her. Does your mum know of the A?

[Rooke]

Yes she does. She's been supportive but at the same time, she's convinced he'll be in touch, she's always been right about this before and I think in a way it's really not helping. I can't be completely honest with her and tell her I still love him and miss him because she'd just say "how can you want someone like that?"

Can you tell me what that phone app is? I'd like to do it.

It sounds as though you're coping really well, it also doesn't sound as if he will keep to NC, as you quite rightly say, I think my exMM will miss the adulation he had from me and won't be able to live without it.

[Rooke]

Although I must admit, I'm surprised he hasn't been in touch because I owe him some money, and money means everything to him. I have offered to pay him back but he doesn't seem interested!

[TaraMaiden]

While they still exist(!) send the cheque to him, and leave it at that.

Just a cheque.

nothing else.

Not even a stamp.....

[so-wrong]

Yes she does. She's been supportive but at the same time, she's convinced he'll be in touch, she's always been right about this before and I think in a way it's really not helping. I can't be completely honest with her and tell her I still love him and miss him because she'd just say "how can you want someone like that?"

Can you tell me what that phone app is? I'd like to do it.

It sounds as though you're coping really well, it also doesn't sound as if he will keep to NC, as you quite rightly say, I think my exMM will miss the adulation he had from me and won't be able to live without it.

 

How sad is it that we think our MM will miss us because we show them adoration!? Crazy really. A good iphone app is called Streaks - Motivational Calendar, which tracks days since a particular event (obviously in our case days without contacting MM).

 

My mum also knows of my A & although she has been as supportive as she can, she finds it difficult because she just wants me to forget him & move on, as if it's that easy! She just worries I guess, so I can't be as honest as I'd like to be.

 

I think coping is getting a bit easier but then there are times when I can barely breathe because of the panic I feel. This forum helps so much, plus I know I'm still expecting to see/speak with him at some unknown time & date in the future and it helps me deal with things. The thought of never crossing paths with him again would be too hard for me to take on board right now...

[Rooke]

While they still exist(!) send the cheque to him, and leave it at that.

Just a cheque.

nothing else.

Not even a stamp.....

 

Ha ha not even a stamp! That made me smile

I did think of that but I only know the school he works at and I'm worried it'll get into the wrong hands!

Obviously I don't know where he lived with BS, and I don't know if she's had him back yet or not so I definitely don't know where is he...

[TaraMaiden]

If you write 'private and Personal' on it, it won't.

Opening someone else's mail without permission, is illegal, in the UK.

Besides, a crossed cheque can't be cashed or banked by anyone else.

 

Oh and one last thing -

 

Stop making excuses.....

 

[Rooke]

Thanks for the App tip

I think if BS doesn't forgive him this time then he will come crawling because he'll think "Well I'd rather be in a relationship with her than not at all"

If they work it out I don't think he'll take the risk a fourth time because the pattern of our relationship is that she finds out.

Although I doubt she will ever show him the same adoration I did, simply because she'll never be able to trust him.

I think it's better to think that at some undisclosed time in the future they will be in contact, because I've always made the mistake of thinking I'll never see/hear from him again and then I've felt really grateful when he has made contact, so if I expect it and then feel let down, it'll be easier to stay angry at him...it'll also make me think "You t*** I knew you would do this, go and **** yourself!!"

[Rooke]

If you write 'private and Personal' on it, it won't.

Opening someone else's mail without permission, is illegal, in the UK.

Besides, a crossed cheque can't be cashed or banked by anyone else.

 

Oh and one last thing -

 

Stop making excuses.....

 

 

Oh yea my Dad taught me about crossing cheques. I'm not sure how you do it though?

I'm scared that that will invite me to write a letter that I really shouldn't..

[so-wrong]

Thanks for the App tip

I think if BS doesn't forgive him this time then he will come crawling because he'll think "Well I'd rather be in a relationship with her than not at all"

If they work it out I don't think he'll take the risk a fourth time because the pattern of our relationship is that she finds out.

Although I doubt she will ever show him the same adoration I did, simply because she'll never be able to trust him.

I think it's better to think that at some undisclosed time in the future they will be in contact, because I've always made the mistake of thinking I'll never see/hear from him again and then I've felt really grateful when he has made contact, so if I expect it and then feel let down, it'll be easier to stay angry at him...it'll also make me think "You t*** I knew you would do this, go and **** yourself!!"

 

Straight up though Rooke, if he rang you tomorrow & told you he missed you & wanted you back but couldn't leave his BS right now, what would you do?

[Rooke]

Straight up? I would say yes please. It'll be two weeks tomorrow since I last heard from him and it feels like a lifetime.

[so-wrong]

Straight up? I would say yes please. It'll be two weeks tomorrow since I last heard from him and it feels like a lifetime.

 

Honesty to yourself is good & I feared you would say that. 2 weeks is nothing though. For your sake I hope he at least keeps away until such a time that you have stronger defences against him. I remember you saying that his BS may be pregnant but do they have kids & if so, how old are they?

[Rooke]

Honesty to yourself is good & I feared you would say that. 2 weeks is nothing though. For your sake I hope he at least keeps away until such a time that you have stronger defences against him. I remember you saying that his BS may be pregnant but do they have kids & if so, how old are they?

 

No they don't have kids, and although it sounds ridiculous, the reason I refuse to believe that she's pregnant is because I really, honestly can't imagine that anyone would be low enough to ask someone to move across the country, not even because it's based on a promise they knew they couldn't keep, but simply because none of this would ever have happened.

If it is true then I will never, ever understand til the day I die WHAT was going through his head.

I think he hates me enough to leave me alone for a long time to come, my Mum thinks it'll be another nine months and christ only knows where I'll be by then.

How did your xMM BS find out? Or do they not respect him for another reason?

[so-wrong]

No they don't have kids, and although it sounds ridiculous, the reason I refuse to believe that she's pregnant is because I really, honestly can't imagine that anyone would be low enough to ask someone to move across the country, not even because it's based on a promise they knew they couldn't keep, but simply because none of this would ever have happened.

If it is true then I will never, ever understand til the day I die WHAT was going through his head.

I think he hates me enough to leave me alone for a long time to come, my Mum thinks it'll be another nine months and christ only knows where I'll be by then.

How did your xMM BS find out? Or do they not respect him for another reason?

 

Must say it does sound pretty screwed up on your MM's behalf to drag you so far from your home for nothing. Guess it must've made sense to him on some level at some point. I guess it's probably not something he shared with you, but did they want children? Have they been married long?

 

My MM's BS found out via Facebook as my H logged in as me & contacted their eldest daughter revealing the A. His BS then phoned him whilst he was with me & quizzed him about it & ended up putting the phone down on him when he admitted it. Both our BS's were devastated, not least because we all knew each other & they never saw it coming. My MM had always (until me) prided himself as a respectable family man & hated the way he lost so much respect from people that had always looked up to him. He told me that he now has to be seen to be doing everything he can to fix what he's done but based on things he told me during the A, I feel that if his BS makes life too difficult, his patience will end up being stretched to the limit & he will end up feeling like the victim rather than the villain. At that point, I wouldn't be surprised if he contacted me.

[Rooke]

He told me he didn't want children, he told me when they met they'd been married two years (and that was two years ago)

Whether any of that is the truth or not...I don't know, and will never know.

The previous two d days we've had he's never said goodbye, just vanished and this time he did call to say goodbye.

So as far as he's concerned I guess it's over.

So what predicament would that leave you in with your H if he was to get in touch?

[BB07]

He told me he didn't want children, he told me when they met they'd been married two years (and that was two years ago)

Whether any of that is the truth or not...I don't know, and will never know.

The previous two d days we've had he's never said goodbye, just vanished and this time he did call to say goodbye.

So as far as he's concerned I guess it's over.

So what predicament would that leave you in with your H if he was to get in touch?

 

 

Rooke, maybe you aren't familiar with what usually happens on a d-day. Usually the BS insists that they have to go NC with the OW, so that explains his vanishing act and don't miss the fact that he done it purely of his own accord as he could have walked away if he had really wanted to be with you as it would have been the perfect time, after all, it was his chance to come clean and start living what he has been telling you he really wanted. Rooke.........he had 2, no three chances, right? There are no kids..........so he can't use that excuse. He either is screwed up and doesn't have a clue what he wants or he does know what he wants and it's his wife and his mistress. It's not complicated and you shouldn't consider it flattering to you that he came back the other time, in fact you should get pissed off as he just disappeared on you instead of giving you the courtesy of a phone call and telling you that he wanted one or the other, but no.........this man treats you and his wife like the ****e he wipes off his shoes.

 

 

Don't let him do it to you again Rooke..........you are better than this.

[sasha-bunny]

Hi Rooke,

 

2 weeks wow congrats on getting there . I am on day 3 & at least happy to report that I have maintained NC silence, albiet it is killing me not to. My emotions have been all over the place, honestly staying positive is extremely hard. Making the situation harder is the fact I intiated NC against his desperation to maintain our friendship. I think for me it would have been easier if he hadn't said he couldn't/didn't want to lose me.... Thank goodness I have avoided the wine cause that would for sure do me in to sending a text.

 

Here's to hoping for a better tomorrow.... Happy Easter

Edited April 23, 2011 by sasha-bunny

[fooled once]

I think I'm ready to accept that it's over.

That I'll never see him again and hear from him and that I've no choice except to move on.

It's going to be hard. But it's a worse choice to continue being in love with someone who isn't a good person.

I've made mistakes and bad choices but hopefully I can redeem myself somehow.

 

Straight up? I would say yes please. It'll be two weeks tomorrow since I last heard from him and it feels like a lifetime.

 

Oh Rooke, please don't send him any money right now. YOU aren't strong enough to just send the money.

 

You honestly stated if he came to you today and asked you to resume the affair, you would.

 

He will be back; mark my words. I hope when he returns you shut him down. I hope that you will realize you deserve to be better than 'sloppy seconds' or someone's side piece. I hope you will realize that he does not love you because we do not treat people we love like crap. We don't disappear without a word. We don't disrespect them by not caring if they are hurting OR by thinking that they are only good enough to be an option and not a priority.

 

Please please please - check into seeing a therapist. Help yourself understand why you moved across country for someone.

 

I can tell from your posts that you are not ready to let go; but you are trying to convince yourself you are. You are doing that reverse psychology thing on him calling -- stating "he won't call" when deep down, you are willing him to call and trying to not jinx yourself by saying he will call.

 

I hope you can find it within yourself to realize you are better than being an other woman. I hope you can start to respect yourself to realize you do not deserve to play 2nd fiddle to his wife. I hope you will start to see how truly wrong he was to play with your heart and that he didn't discourage you from MOVING to where he lives knowing he wasn't voluntarily leaving home.

 

IF he comes to your door saying his wife kicked him out and he has no where to do, would you let him in? If you answer yes, this is why I think you need to see a therapist.

 

Good luck

[hollygirl]

Hi Rooke.

How is it going? I agree that you shouldn't send a cheque at the moment. Although maybe you don't realise it, I think you are looking for a reason to break NC, I know I am doing it as well. I can think of 2 or 3 things that I really have to tell him! I am trying to resist, I really don't want to be back on that merry-go-round.

 

I havent done NC, its difficult without disrupting so much of my life but I have told him its over and he seems to have accepted it. I dont know if he will try to start things again but I do know that if he does, it wont be because he cant live without me or wants to be my soul mate. It will be because he misses the excitement and yes, the sex. I am focusing on the fact that no matter how hard I think I can change him by my words or actions, in reality only he can change and after 2 years, I know that isn't going to happen.

 

Rooke I think this is the hardest thing, knowing that no matter how much you want something to be, you are powerless to make it happen and powerlessness is the road to pain and depression. You have to be the one in control.

 

Be strong

take care of yourself

[Rooke]

Rooke, maybe you aren't familiar with what usually happens on a d-day. Usually the BS insists that they have to go NC with the OW, so that explains his vanishing act and don't miss the fact that he done it purely of his own accord as he could have walked away if he had really wanted to be with you as it would have been the perfect time, after all, it was his chance to come clean and start living what he has been telling you he really wanted. Rooke.........he had 2, no three chances, right? There are no kids..........so he can't use that excuse. He either is screwed up and doesn't have a clue what he wants or he does know what he wants and it's his wife and his mistress. It's not complicated and you shouldn't consider it flattering to you that he came back the other time, in fact you should get pissed off as he just disappeared on you instead of giving you the courtesy of a phone call and telling you that he wanted one or the other, but no.........this man treats you and his wife like the ****e he wipes off his shoes.

Don't let him do it to you again Rooke..........you are better than this.

 

He had 3 chances, in fact he probably had more than that in the grand scheme of things because he could've left anytime he wanted.

You're right, he wants his wife and a mistress. He wants everything his way and obliterates anyone who doesn't give it to him.

She asked him to leave on d day, so he could've have made contact but I guess it's a gesture to her to say "Look I'm totally reformed" whether they've reconciled yet I don't know.

I think the hardest thing for me to come to terms with is that I was stupid enough to believe his lies, I actually believe he would leave her, when in hindsight if he was going to leave he would've done it in the first few weeks.

But then why would he leave her? He has carte blanche to sleep with whoever he wants and she always takes him back, who wouldn't want that?!

[Rooke]

Fooled - I'm not sure if sending the money would be cathartic or not. There's part of me that thinks that if I send it, he has no reason to get in touch.

However if I know it will make it safely into his hands then I will write a letter. And I know that's not going to make any difference.

If I can start saying to myself "he will be back" I can stay angry, because I will think "how dare you blame me for everything, tell me I've left you with nothing and then expect to just pick up where we left off?"

If I convince myself he won't be in touch and then he is...well I'll probably think "oh at last"

As hard as it is, I know this has to be the final straw, that I have to walk away now.

I think I know what my issues are, firstly my self esteem, I've always struggled with that and the second one was losing my Father. I was with him the night my Dad died, he called me the next day to end it, ignored me for 3 days and then as soon as his wife was at work, he text me. And even after that I still convinced myself he was a good guy!!

All he ever said to me, was "I'm sorry"

I don't really understand how he can want to live his life like that.

And I really don't know how to answer that question, I think probably if he was stood in front of me, I'd scratch his eyes out.

[hollygirl]

Rooke, did he ask you to relocate?