Long, harsh, young and stupid decisions.

[Ladygator]

I'm nearly 19, he's 28. My ex and I were together for 10 months. For 7 of them, we were close - until he moved. We had spoken about kids, I was going to move in with him in 2 months. I had one miscarriage to him (it was a complete accident, we were using condoms most of the time and I was on the pill, no missed pills, no late ones, for a month.. it was a genuine accident and no ones fault) A long, long way away. No excuses, I was a rotten girlfriend long distance. We had our good weeks, and our bad ones - he was always steady, I was hot and cold - I was feeling neglected. Silly girl, I had a good man. I did have some issues with him - he didn't like kissing me, which hurt me a lot, he wouldn't go down on me and I never asked him to after he rejected me a few times, but I would every night and morning, no questions asked.

 

(4 months ago) We had a good relationship, until I started working - and a storeman who is exactly double my age took a lot of interest in me. I ended up talking to him on Facebook.. and talking dirty with him, while boyfriend was still in QLD. BF was in QLD, me in NSW, and he didn't feel like he was coming back. I didn't cope well LDR. I got pretty close to the man at work to the point where he was touching me and I wasn't saying yes or no.. and walking me to my car. Had a risque conversation with him, BF found out.. was very upset. Forgave me.

 

Turns out he had a keylogger on my Mac AND iPhone + spyware.. recorded my phone calls and, lo and behold, the day he left for QLD.. I was talking to the above fellow again. I'm finally an attractive young 18 year old girl, and men were showing me interest left right and centre.. my self esteem hadn't caught up to my appearance. Sometimes, the BF made me feel like I was wasting my youth on him.. no compliments, would not go down on me, would not kiss me found some aspects of sex "gross", and made me feel disgusting sometimes. All that started AFTER the first time I screwed him around. He was perfect before that. No blame. I know that was my fault he didn't want it. He didn't trust me.

 

He left me. After I flew to him and we spent a month off from eachother.

 

We made it work again.

He took me back.

 

In March, I flew up and saw him again. We had a great time, for the second time in 10 months we made love again, instead of sex. We were close. And then we weren't. On the 4th day, having a bad day after he called me fat (bulimic and E.D history) I left (in complete tears) and we split up. The distance was killing us.

 

He basically had me on probation from heronin. We'd split and I went back to the married man, I rebounded. We didn't have sex, but he went down on me, and me on him. Twice.

 

I realised, finally, I didn't want him. I wanted my man. I cut off all contact. I ignored his texts, his phone calls and just left him out of my life for 2 weeks, and talked happily with my ex every night, getting closer. Then, the married guy sent me an email asking for pictures.. I was feeling a bit weak and fragile thinking about my ex, and sent him a few. Bad mistake. My first contact with him in weeks. I told him to eff off and leave me alone after that. I only had 4 phone calls and 1 threatening text after this from him. Nothing else. Good. I had his number blocked today.

 

Then, my best friend told my ex over Facebook what I'd done.

He pushed it on Skype, I denied it. Again.

Then admitted. Everything.

 

It was the first time I'd actually touched this other man.

 

To read his responses last time, he is Digian here: Steve Pavlina forums (scroll down to Digian's response)

 

He cared then. I don't think he cares now.

 

I'd leave it at that, but right now.. well.

 

He's come back for 7 days.

He's less than 100klm away from me right now - something I drive every day.

 

So this is where we are now: I went and picked him up from the airport. 300klm there, 300klm back. We spoke like friend most of the way. Sort of. We pulled over, we had sex.. and the rest of the way he said some horrible things, like he cared about his ex (who shattered him, doing a similar thing, except she had sex with them, twice) more than he ever cared about me, that "why the hell didn't the other girls who did this to me chase me like you are? You're trying so damn hard, and all they did was walk away as soon as they cheated on me.. That's how it's SUPPOSED to be," just because we had sex didn't mean he still wanted me, he'd love to **** her again, and "oh, by the way, my bed isn't big enough for the both of us.. you can have the couch or go home" as we were pulling into his home town. We'd slept in it hundreds of times together..

 

So, I slept on the couch. He kissed me on the forehead.

The emotions were too much for me to take and I was welling up.

He came in 20 minutes later and asked if I wanted to snuggle.

 

I nodded and slipped into his bed.. he wanted sex immediently, and I did, too. After all, I still wanted him.

 

Then, back to the couch afterwards.

 

The next morning, he called me in to come cuddle with him. When I got in his bed he just said "you're a f***ing sook, you know that?" More sex. He wouldn't cuddle me, but wanted me to cuddle him. I did. He asked me what it would take for me to "stop being such a whore."

 

We spent some of the next day together.

He continued slipping some nasty things in, between nice actions.

He acted indifferent, but would ooze emotions when he told me to "shut the F*** up and not ask question, he didn't want to talk about it."

 

He's not an aggressive man, all this agro is new.

 

I went home, after sitting in his loungeroom, his mum (who I'd told virtually everything to, she's quite fond of me, utterly surprisingly, she was baffled by my honesty to come to her to simply apologise for hurting the family) told him to give me a kiss.. and he did. Shockingly. On the cheek but... he did. I cried all the way home.. I'm a sook. He sent me a text at 1am that morning to come into town (I'm 70klm away), so I did.. he was drunk and wanted a lift home. I gave him one, and he even told me all he was doing was wanting some sex and a lift home.

 

I slept in his bed. For the first night.

He wanted me to cuddle him, he demanded it.

He also said "I don't know why I effin' bothered with an 18 year old. My dumb fault." (we'd had very few age-related problems).

 

We spent the next day together. A few spats regarding me asking him back/apologising (silly girl) for the car ride, but we got along. I couldn't even stomach looking at other men. They went out for dinner, and I was standing next to him, a man behind them winked at me and I gave him the foulest look (something I never would have done before, I used to love the attention) and ex just said "my god, I've never seen that look on your face, what did he do to you? Do you know him?" - back at his mates place, I had a UTI and spent some time in the bathroom (in agony), he came in and showed the first slip of compassion, he asked genuinely if I was alright - went back to his place at midnight, he asked if I was staying, I nodded and we slept together again.

 

This morning we cuddled, I woke up and he was being pretty nice to me. He's spending the weekend elsewhere but wants to see me before he goes, or more "I'll leave some condoms here in case you come back on Monday," I was pretty shaken up being pulled in both directions.. I left a note under his pillow that simply said "I tried. I'm sorry." And left.

 

Now, I'm here.

I don't even know what I want out of this. I just wanted to.. get it all out. I'm confused beyond everything as to what he's doing. I'm not a serial cheater. We never, ever had issues when he was close, but a few months after he left.. I strayed.

 

I was ready to commit to my ex as soon as I stopped contact with the other man. That was it. He was going to have everything from me. I was a good girlfriend, but not steady. I'd be up and down a bit emotionally but I'd always come back to I love you. I'd cook, clean, we'd laugh and drive and have some great times. It was a very good relationship and my first serious one. All I've wanted for the past month since I quit contact with the other man was him.. before he found out. He's nearly 30 and he wanted steady. And after all that time, so did I, and I still do.

 

He might text me, he might not before he goes. But this is the strangest situation. My wrongs are very wrong, and I didn't expect him to take me back, but he's dropped hints at it. He is a good, solid man and when I asked him to look at me and tell me he didn't love me anymore, he mumbled it and looked away, but couldn't tell me straight up. He's told me he has enough feelings let to talk to me, then pulls away and says "I don't know WHY I'm even talking to you."

 

All I can do now is the right thing by him.

Respect the relationship, and when he goes I know he'll be watching even then, he'll note if I go clubbing, or start dating now.

 

I'll do the right thing by him, and show my true colours.

I've denied 2 dates in the last 4 weeks and will just wait for him, and see where he is in a few months. When I'm ready to transfer.. and he's moving.

 

As soon as he goes back (I'll probably give him a lift to the airport) I'll go NC. If he contacts me, he cares, if he doesn't.. I need to suffer the consequences for being with another man.

 

I'm a silly girl for my choice to have an affair.

But what on EARTH is his reaction?

It doesn't make any sense.

Edited April 23, 2011 by Ladygator

[PelicanPete]

So after reading all of it, I'll start off by saying welcome!

 

 

Your ex boyfriend was abusive, no doubt about it. He keylogged your stuff? If you can't trust the person you're with you shouldn't be with them, whether they are cheating or not. You cheating was obviously wrong, but that doesn't justify his behavior.

 

This was not a healthy relationship. No offense but both of you seem to have some glaring insecurities that reflect that neither of you should be in a serious relationship. There's a lot of material and its 1am so bare with me

 

Ill start off with your ex. Not wanting to show physical affection towards you, examples being saying kissing and sex is gross, is a major red flag. If he cared and loved you this wouldn't be a problem at all. Unless he had some horrible infection, that is a sign he's not feelin' it. Not complimenting you, insults, especially calling you fat when you had serious disorders in the past is not what a loving boyfriend would do. That's all signs of abuse. Especially forcing you to sleep on the couch and only bringing you to the bed for sex, that's like slavery.

 

His passive/aggressive behavior is just signs of his internal insecurities which he is taking out on you so he feels better. They were probably there the whole time, but your cheating probably made him feel even more insecure, which caused his behavior to become beyond unacceptable.

 

Accepting this behavior from him however does not make you any better. You should not go back to him, this is not how a healthy relationship works at all. He obviously has a lot of issues that need to be dealt with. Normally to me age does not matter, but it really matters in this case. You said he cared when he posted on the other forum, while he was not only condescending towards you, but also about you being 18. If age didn't matter, he wouldn't have brought it up.

 

If you ask more specifically I will go into it, but I think it's safe to say that neither of you should be in a relationship, whether it to be together or someone else. There are too many glaring problems from both parties that would just make a relationship self destructive. You have to love and understand yourself, before you can love and understand another person. Neither of you seem to understand yourselves at this present time. Him being so abusive towards you shows that, and your cheating and accepting his behavior show that as well. It may not have looked like it at the start, and everything seemed fine, but that's how abusive relationships begin.

[dreamingoftigers]

Okay hun, wow

 

loveaddicts.org

[Ladygator]

Thankyou for the welcome

I just re-read this and it really is garble. I'm surprised anyone could gauge anything from it.

 

To be honest, I see his side and never did complain about the keylogging etc.. he was protecting his own interests. Before this all started, he treated me like a princess most of the time, trust got worn away (mostly with petty things on my part, this is the first incident of actual physical cheating.) He was never abusive before now -- and right now, he's only punishing me (while feeding me honey.)

 

No doubt he had his flaws, but I did love him anyway.

 

The eating disorder, which was mild and got exasperated lately (stress) was virtually gone but laying dormant. He helped me as much as he could and left the rest up to me, and I was getting better, but the "fat ass" comment rocked it to the core and made me pretty pissed off all day, but I don't think he understood quite what he said.

 

"His passive/aggressive behavior is just signs of his internal insecurities which he is taking out on you so he feels better. They were probably there the whole time, but your cheating probably made him feel even more insecure, which caused his behavior to become beyond unacceptable." = this hit the nail on the head. Everyone has insecurities, I just never did see anything other than strength in him.

 

I appreciate the responses, guys. I'm pretty upset, and I'll see him tomorrow. I actually wrote a very long letter I'll never send him, just to get it all out. I felt much, much better, much much calmer after writing it - like, there, that's my emotions and desires out. Even if it's only to myself.

 

-------------------- (may be triggering for some)

 

Apologies are nothing to you. Anyone can weasel their way out of something "blah blah I won't do it again, blah blah give me another chance right now" - what a demanding and selfish thing of me to do to your face - someone is only truly sorry if they show it. You have every right to be upset with me - angry, writhing. Our relationship is at a crossroad, and I know the decision of where we go from here is not mine to make. I relinquished that right when I cheated on you, and again when I denied it - and if you no longer feel anything for me, I'll accept your decision… and you should probably stop reading right now.

 

I loved you, (name)

It pains me to see the suffering you're going through as a result of my misbehaviour, and everything you must be feeling because I was reckless, especially at such an important time in your life.

 

I had a good time with you. You fired several rounds, and I was still there when the smoke cleared. I feel fully deserving for everything you said. I won't be a copout, and I won't say "hey, I cheated, now I'm going to leave because thats the easier thing to do." No excuses.

 

I never did understand your method of showing affection -- until now. I always did fantasise about us together, married and being a real wife to you, and taking utter pride in my man and my relationship. You once said I'd look like a beautiful wife standing next to you, in plaits and a long dress. I never did forget that. Having kids with you, and living together, settled in… we're both the same type. We want the same things. I never realised how much you wanted me to show more affection to you WITHOUT expecting it back. You would have payed me back tenfold if I'd just realised that. On the same level, PLEASE don't feel so self conscious right now. You are a very, very handsome man, and on Saturday morning when I woke up next to you, saw you in your white T-shirt and jacket, showered and bright eyed, my heart burned a little bit more again. You don't NEED to be huge to be a man - you're already way past them. You are seriously gorgeous, and I tried telling myself I wasn't attracted to you all this week but guess what? I am. You're perfect in my eyes.

 

After that night in the hospital I lost some faith in you when you wouldn't talk to me about it, and you weren't there to hear him tell me those horrible words confirming our fears, but the fact you were there - the only man who could have calmed me down in the world - stroking me and telling me to be "the woman you know I am" while they drew blood… I'll always be grateful you were there and I didn't do it on my own. I was pretty upset by the whole situation there, and still am, and it took me till now to realise you are too, despite how you really never said anything about it.

 

I was so ready to come with you and live with you - I've never once had a thought about another man when you're close to me. The only man I deviated with was that rotten creature, and he was all skills at getting under my skin -- and I was too weak to say no. You made me feel like a better person - I was eating meals with you and not feeling the urge to get rid of it, because you made me feel beautiful being around you. I was eating 2-3 meals around you… and not gaining weight. I'll only lose it, I won't gain it from eating again. Right now, I haven't been able to eat very well simply because my stomach won't handle it with the stress - this is the first time I've stopped eating for months after knowing you. You really helped me here, and I never did gain an ounce from eating - that was a lesson in itself. I can eat and not get fat. I really owe you for that. I should have done the things for you I was too stubborn to do.

 

One day, I'd like to start again. Give me some time to know exactly what I want, and see where we both are in a few months. If you give a damn -- which I know you do -- you'll keep an eye on me. Only my actions from heronin will show what I really felt, and feel for you. I'm not just another girl in your string of bad relationships - and I'll prove it to you. At least I have the gall to come back to you and attempt to show you. I am prepared to wait as long as it takes for you to deal with my action and decide if you want to give me another chance - I'll hope for this, but I won't expect it. I'd be ready to come to you in June, until then we should give each other some time to miss one another. I need this time to figure out exactly why it happened and fix the factors, and make those changes. When I was just talking to him before, I didn't get the the core issue. That is what I'm working on now. Insight, work and effort. Hindsight really is a bitch.

 

If we were to be together again, it would be a complete overhaul, not a bandaid fix. Something new. Boundaries set and a much shorter leash. The minute you think I've given you a reason to not trust me again, I'd leave without a fuss. I would work for your trust again, and you'd find yourself with a girl who is fully committed and loving - though whether or not you'd be able to love me again after that? I don't know. But to be honest, there is no reason why we couldn't have what we used to when we were together nearly every day -- people do everyday -- we had good times. I looked after you and you protected me. We made love. We cuddled. When we went out, especially camping, we had an awesome time. Think before the distance happened -- our relationship was intimate, it was the best sex either of us had ever had, we are intellectually matched and have a lot of common interests - and hey, we're both a little strange, but what is love anyway? (and those are your words you said to me once) Some of my best memories in life are with you.

 

The first time we went camping together was magical. Laying in your lap while you played your games well into the early morning in (town), talking about 2012 (I never doubted you and believe your every word and take it in very nervous expectation to do something about it myself), the times when we'd just need each other so badly we'd have to pull off the road just to get our hands on one another, cooking for you, roadtrips, watching you gain weight and brighter eyes and health, laying in the grass in (city's) warmth watching you fish (and trying painfully to help with pesky catfish bait!) making you breakfast in bed, buying you beers, waiting up until 2am for a goodnight, 5am Skype calls, sitting on the dock in (city) eating fish and chips, at the (city) on the spit near the crushing waves, driving fast in your Soarer, going to your mates parties together, talking to you on MSN supporting your work, lunches with you while you were at (workplace), watching you do your computer things turned me on and got me seriously interested - enough to go do a lot of research on the topics on my own to try and keep up with you, and your willingness to keep my under your wing and even deal with my ridiculously demanding libido. You never fuelled the fire. I can see it all now and the utter stupidity of my choices.

 

You made me feel loved when you were near me -- even this week, you wouldn't cuddle me but I still felt like you loved me. It cut me up when you wouldn't look at me, I was in agony at some points, and just a seriously dull ache in others.. but when you let me snuggle against you… It feels right to be around you. I don't think either of us are ready to quit. You invested so much time, effort, money, and life into me, and me to you. You cut me from a rough rock into a jagged diamond, and you could really reap the benefits now. You are the man who deserves the real me - a good, faithful and sweet woman… after we both have some time to heal and get our energy back. Listen to your gut. It's never failed you before.

 

I'll be 19, a year older, and this situation has given me the tools I need to become the girl you fell in love with again. The fact I'm young only means that I change quicker than someone older. A month is a year to me. There is NO saint like a former sinner. I will never inflict this pain on another human being again, nor myself. I changed a lot with your influence. I dress better, I feel more like a woman around you, I feel more modest and I was enjoying finding my place in the world, and yours.

 

It wasn't a mistake to date me. It could still be the best decision in your life, but you would need to give me the chance to prove it once more. I needed to find my equilibrium. I've never cheated on someone before, and I certainly don't intend to again. The circumstances were bad, but you tried hard. You're a good man.

 

A genuine mistake, and this is genuine remorse. These are not manipulations. They are realisations. I put myself in situations that gave me opportunities, and I was never certain about going through with it all - I liked the playfulness we were missing because of distance, but at the same time craved the solidity of the relationship I had because I was simply in love with you. I never wanted you for your money, I never wanted you to use you. All that's left is that my feelings were very, very genuine.

 

You have to have seen how sincere I was in my apologies to you. If it doesn't help you - or me - it wasn't for lack of trying. If I didn't care, I wouldn't try and would move on - we didn't fall out of love, I ****ed up. I don't want this relationship to end because I still care very, very deeply for you and love you with all my heart. I want you to be happy again with me still being a part of your life. I really hope you didn't misconstrue my efforts as pushing you for my own sake -- no, right now, my persistence and future behaviour will be the only reliable measure you have of my character. We could make some new incredible memories together… playing games together, going out to dinner, loving each other, clubbing, you helping me study, me greeting you when you walk in the door, dinner ready, being the beautiful woman who is modest in public, and your own personal bad girl in the bedroom, for your eyes only...

 

I have faith in this, in us. I really believe that one day, we'll look back on this and be glad we didn't walk away from each other.

 

I respect you (name), I respect and admire you.

 

(by the way, I thought about being cheeky and naming this "Windows 98 reasons why I'm sorry" or "service pack 3: was is the fix we wanted?" but somehow, didn't think the humour would resonate with the overall tone, hehe!)

 

--------------------------------

 

Have a great Easter everyone

[Ladygator]

Update as of 12:30 - He flies out tomorrow (we thought Tuesday) and wants me to spend tonight with him. It's probably just a pity f*** to be honest with you, but he seems sincere. He said it was nice to see me.

 

Pretty unsure as to how to act tonight. My heart says just go there, don't say much, smile, and let it go. Have our last night together quietly, drama-free and enjoyable. Say goodbye in the morning, and that's it.

 

2:59pm - called him and asked what was happening. He was driving and said "I don't know, you might be able to come in at midnight or so.. no promises though, I might be tired.. so your answer is.. maybe. How does that sound?"

 

"Heart wrenching and uncertain."

 

He laughs and says "I'm driving, I have to go. Don't want a ticket. Seeya."

 

5 minutes later, a text "sorry, driving. I'll let you know a time later tonight, k?"

 

Trying not to have a knee-jerk reaction.

Edited April 24, 2011 by Ladygator

[Ladygator]

T-minus 6 hours or so until I see him for possibly the last time in our lives. Suggestions, comments, insights..

[Ladygator]

So I saw him. 1am, I turned up and he let me in. We got into bed together, and after a pretty eventful time trying to get TO his house, I was pretty emo ("we'll probably never see eachother again") (he's never been big on goodbyes, even when we were together) -- to which he just said to shut up and go to sleep next to him, otherwise I'm on the couch. I let it go. I can't remember the conversation (I was tired and emotional and exhausted) but he still hasn't said "no, we'll never be together again." He's just coping right now.

 

In the morning, he, for the first time since this ordeal, cuddled me. He just said "you're such a sook.." while I was pressed against his chest. I said "I miss you" and he said "I'm going to miss you, too."

 

He left a half hour later.

I gave him a hand written version of that letter, including love letters I never sent him from months ago.

(so much for never sending it)

He hugged me.

4 times.

I sobbed into his chest "I love you", and he just quietly said "it's all going to be okay. I'm glad you do. I'll still talk to you. (msn/skype)"

 

Now, that's it. No contact.

I feel oddly calm about this whole thing.

I put in my entire effort this week - he knows I care. My most humble apologies were made. I bent over backwards. Now it's just up to time.

[reallyconfused2542]

just out of curiosity why in the world would you stay with a guy that told you to shut up or you'll sleep on the couch??

[Ladygator]

I still love the guy. He's not doing anything wrong -- he's not exactly soft or willing to drop the resentfulness yet. That's where the nasty words are coming from. They're well deserved.

[TaraMaiden]

Are you gonna hire out that masochist jacket when you're done with it?

I know a good whipping post could do with it.

 

Quit putting yourself down, and quit painting yourself as the bad girl.

get a grip, get a life and move forward.

 

"The person who does not think much of themselves is far greater than the person they believe themselves to be."

 

You're a big girl now, and in charge of your own life. don't mess it up.

 

Grab your dignity, leave the jacket, and wear your pride - with pride.

[Fufu]

This is a toxic relationship, you need to leave for yourself.

[Ladygator]

I know. We're killing each other. We had a very good, very close, very happy relationship as a close-distance couple. Neither of us had complaints. It still doesn't stop it from hurting, and me pining. He's been online all night, I've had him on my block list. It's killing me, but we don't need to hear from each other right now. He needs some time to miss me, and I need some time to clear my head.

 

I'm feeling pretty calm right now. I'm pining for him, but I only saw him 5:30am this morning, and we parted with tearful goodbyes and me, finally, physically, letting him go. Lots of sad Ani Difranco songs right now!

 

Despite everything, I miss my boyfriend.

No one can say I didn't try.

[PelicanPete]

Just delete him so that you aren't tempted to unblock and talk to him. This is your first long term relationship and they really aren't suppose to be this way. You don't need to be with a guy climbing to his 30s constantly calling you a crybaby, has trust issues, forcing you to sleep on the couch, and purposefully making you feel ugly and gross. There is no way that you guys are just miscommunicating or hes doing this unknowingly, he is completely aware of his actions and you are accepting them. Your relationship may have been good in the past, but if it isn't good now why stay?

 

You can't be happy with the relationship if you posting here. He may be a bit of an abuser, but you are no better for tolerating it. You are still young just like I am, there is still tons of time for love. When my ex broke up with me I lost meaning to my life because I tried to define myself by being with her, and it was hard the first two months post-breakup. Now I am so happy I'm not with her anymore. I'm focusing more on what I enjoy and excel at, found new hobbies, and gained a wealth of knowledge that is still growing.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=273073 <-- Theres a link to a discussion about abusive relationships that took place a few weeks ago. You may find it insightful.

[Ladygator]

I read through that entire (disheartening, what horrible things happen in the world among people) thread and can notice some resemblances. I still can't let him go just yet.

 

Looking back at last week, despite the little crumbs of hope he was giving me; "we might get back together if you ever kill your devil streak", etc, the fact he was I think he just tolerated my presence trying to be the nice guy (backfired.)

[Ladygator]

Coping, despite everything.. trying to study, watching the Mighty Boosh, and listening to Ani Difranco.

 

He's blocked on everything, except my Facebook wall, and just put a friendly comment on one of my photos. Ignored it. 5 minutes later he says hello in chat.. idle chit chat back and forth. Signed off without saying goodbye. I don't feel much. I've got it all so deeply suppressed at the moment his name isn't even recognised as my ex.

Edited April 27, 2011 by Ladygator