waytoonervous Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 Hey LoveShackers! I don't have a particular question, but I've been a lurker on here for a while, and figured I'd explain my dating situation to see if anyone has any thoughts, advice, etc. I'd love to find people who can relate or at least understand! For what it's worth, this forum has provided me endless hours of interesting reads, so thanks (Summary: I'm a desirable, successful dude. I'm not at *all* experienced in the dating (*or* relationship) world, and have trouble turning my solid social skills into success with dating. I feel that I have the potential to be having a *lot* of a fun with dating, and I want to start having it! But the reality is that I've had one date in the last year, so something needs to change.) Anyhoo: I was really immature in high school. Total late bloomer. (When I talk about immaturity, I'm talking about being completely self-focused, having no sense of personal style, playfully annoying people on purpose as a way to get attention, dividing the world and its issues into rigid, black and white categories, etc.) When it comes to girls, the very *idea* of even kissing a girl completely freaked me out. So it made sense that nothing happened with girls, at all. And that was fine: I really wasn't there yet. When I started college, I was still really immature. Suddenly, about 3 years into it, when I was 20, I snapped out of my little bubble of immaturity and became more normal (in my own, fun way). I started dressing better, understanding people better, having a social life, etc. I had my first kiss: it was hilariously awkward, but I did it! A year later, I had my first (albeit short, two-month-long) relationship. We didn't have sex because I was worried about STD's. The next year, I had another relationship, and lost my virginity (at 22). She was 26, and taught me the basics, but we only had sex about 10 times or so (I was still worried about STD's for the first few months, so we didn't get down to screwing until a while into it). I'm 24 now, and oddly enough, have had almost *no* action in the last 2 years. Like, one date. Which is actually really weird, given the following tidbits of information. (I wouldn't say this stuff to most people in person, but I'm going to get cocky on you guys since this is basically anonymous.) - When I tell people my dating situation, they think I'm joking. Especially dudes, who often view me as a role model when it comes to being social and outgoing! - I've been doing really well for myself when it comes to my career. - I meet a *lot* of people through my involvement with various organizations. - I'm known for being silly and irreverent: I realize this isn't coming across in this post. Grr. - I'm cute. I'm not a stud, but I'm cute enough. - I'm good at talking to strangers (including girls), and I love traveling solo for that reason. - I'm pretty in-touch with myself and my emotions. I realize that sounds like bull****, but oh well My problems are: - I care way too much about what people think of me, and get very nervous in almost *all* social situation. I *am* considered a "social butterfly" in many circles, but it's an act. I've got a lot of social anxiety that I'm really good at hiding. - I talk to girls all the time (by hiding my anxiety), but I'm not good at escalating the conversation from a platonic one to something more, even when the girl is flirting with me! It always feels safer to keep it platonic. Because obviously it is "safer"; way less fun, though Part of the problem here is... - I'm too respectful. Even though I love being (sarcastically) obnoxious with my *words*, my actions are always respectful: I'll never cross any lines when it comes to touching, flirting, etc. (But by not risking a few mistakes, I end up missing out on a lot.) - I know too many people, and care too much about what they *all* think: which results in my treading carefully when I'm talking to a girl with mutual friends. - I'm worried about my lack of experience: I barely remember how to have sex. - I'm picky. I need attraction and chemistry. I've gotten over my STD fears to some extent (while still acknowledging that I need to be safe, of course), and I *really* feel that I could do *awesomely* at the dating game and have a fantastic time if I just got over some of these others fears. Easier said than done, though! Can anyone relate? Any advice? I'm thinking of giving therapy a test drive, but I'd love to have other options that won't take a year of talking-to-a-professional to become fruitful. I'm not expecting much response to this essay of a post, but thanks for bearing with me!
johan Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 I think you'll get more responses if you post again with the short version. Just the main question is enough.
Author waytoonervous Posted April 23, 2011 Author Posted April 23, 2011 I'm sure you're right, but this is more of a shot-in-the-dark to see if anyone can relate (for which I feel like the details are relevant). I don't expect to find an "answer" here, and if I get no responses I'll survive Appreciate the advice, though. I fully acknowledge that my post is way too long
AzaleaBelle Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 While you want to avoid talking to a shrink, if your social anxiety is limiting your lifestyle, it may be time to walk down that path. And you can't forget how to have sex, silly. You may need a little practice, but if you meet the right woman and she likes, she'll be willing to practice with you and maybe teach you some new things. You should do what YOU want to do. Don't concern yourself so much with what people think of you. I know thats hard, but its incredibly liberating. Wouldn't you rather have a handful of friends who know and appreciate YOU instead of a bunch of people who don't? And there isn't anything wrong with having standards, but how picky are you?
Author waytoonervous Posted April 23, 2011 Author Posted April 23, 2011 Thanks for the words of encouragement, Azalea! Re "how picky are you": in the past, I'd find any reason to *not* pursue a girl. She lives too far away? She has mutual friends, and dating could result in awkwardness? She isn't giving me obvious flirty signals? She's being hit on my too many people? etc. Lately, I'm trying to keep it simple. If I have a pleasant conversation with a girl I find reasonable attractive, I might as well try to pursue it. I'm thinking that mindset alone should help a lot.
AzaleaBelle Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 Thanks for the words of encouragement, Azalea! Re "how picky are you": in the past, I'd find any reason to *not* pursue a girl. She lives too far away? This is valid, as it would put unnecessary strain on your budding romance. However, people do it all the time. My boyfriend lived 1600 miles away when I met him. She has mutual friends, and dating could result in awkwardness? Why would that result in awkwardness? If anything it would make social situations more relaxed. She isn't giving me obvious flirty signals? If you are interested in someone, ask her out. Not all women are overly flirty. Some are shy and a smile is as much as they are comfortable with. She's being hit on my too many people? Silly. Just find a unique approach and that will set you apart from the flock. etc. Lately, I'm trying to keep it simple. If I have a pleasant conversation with a girl I find reasonable attractive, I might as well try to pursue it. I'm thinking that mindset alone should help a lot. You are right about that mindset. Dating isn't suppose to be a social nightmare. It's suppose to fun, relaxed and enjoyable. Especially when it is in the early stages.
dispatch3d Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 The fact you say "I'm in touch with my emotions" and "I get a lot of social anxiety" is pretty lol. Uhhhh okay! Is this not just a reflection of you being in touch with how you're feeling? As far as you thinking it's all some "farce". Give yourself some ****ing credit. AIR QUOTES - I care way too much about what people think of me, and get very nervous in almost *all* social situation. I *am* considered a "social butterfly" in many circles, but it's an act. I've got a lot of social anxiety that I'm really good at hiding. DE-AIR QUOTE I wore a statement ring that said BFF, it was bright red. Most people didn't comment on it, some people told me it's gay. Which was strange. It's clearly gay, so I couldn't really argue about that. It did make realize that I seek others approval too often though. Like he said that ring is really gay. Okay? AIR QUOTE - I talk to girls all the time (by hiding my anxiety), but I'm not good at escalating the conversation from a platonic one to something more, even when the girl is flirting with me! It always feels safer to keep it platonic. Because obviously it is "safer"; way less fun, though Part of the problem here is... DE AIR QUOTE This is a problem? Note to self, have problems similar to yours. Oh wait the second platonic thing. As far as the kiss the girl thing, here's an instructional video: AIR QUOTE - I'm too respectful. Even though I love being (sarcastically) obnoxious with my *words*, my actions are always respectful: I'll never cross any lines when it comes to touching, flirting, etc. (But by not risking a few mistakes, I end up missing out on a lot.) DE AIR QUOTE Go to a strip bar one time. Jesus christ! AIR QUOTE - I know too many people, and care too much about what they *all* think: which results in my treading carefully when I'm talking to a girl with mutual friends. DE AIR QUOTE Yes, indeed I also know too many people and I am too successful. Cry me a river about a friend being around. Stop trying to make such huge leaps. Why not just ask if she wants to hang out? Or like, I don't know, grab a drink, go get ice cream. I mean you don't have to propose marriage here. Anyhow use your silliness. AIR QUOTE - I'm worried about my lack of experience: I barely remember how to have sex. DE AIR QUOTE Screw a hooker? Haha a lot of hookers! That will take care of the STD fear as well (you'll either catch an STD and will no longer be worried about getting one, or you won't catch an STD and things will be similar to Pulp Fiction when they shot 8 clips at the two guys and none of the bullets hit.) AIR QUOTE - I'm picky. I need attraction and chemistry. DE AIR QUOTE Sounds like you are too critical of others. This is also a defense mechanism. I can't date anyone because noone is good enough! Humph! AIR QUOTES I've gotten over my STD fears to some extent (while still acknowledging that I need to be safe, of course), and I *really* feel that I could do *awesomely* at the dating game and have a fantastic time if I just got over some of these others fears. Easier said than done, though! DE AIR QUOTES Again, hookers, lots of hookers, take some blow that's definitely not safe either, and you'll get over this STD thing for good. Nip it in the butt. AIR QUOTE Can anyone relate? Any advice? I'm thinking of giving therapy a test drive, but I'd love to have other options that won't take a year of talking-to-a-professional to become fruitful. DE AIR QUOTE I don't think therapy is meant for extremely successful, social people, who are really in touch with their emotions. You don't really fit the bill. PS. I was kidding about the hookers and blow. Don't actually do that. I'm not expecting much response to this essay of a post, but thanks for bearing with me!
dispatch3d Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 Thanks for the words of encouragement, Azalea! Re "how picky are you": in the past, I'd find any reason to *not* pursue a girl. She lives too far away? She has mutual friends, and dating could result in awkwardness? She isn't giving me obvious flirty signals? She's being hit on my too many people? etc. Lately, I'm trying to keep it simple. If I have a pleasant conversation with a girl I find reasonable attractive, I might as well try to pursue it. I'm thinking that mindset alone should help a lot. Next time think of reasons TO persue the girl. Easy. Then list all the things you like about them. Everyone has faults, why dwell on those? I have heard of some really successful people who only see the best in people. They always just talk in positives. There are a lot of reasons to be like this.
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