LayDark Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 I've been with my boyfriend for almost 1,5 year, and we broke up a few days ago. Actually we would have had 18 month anniversery in a few days as well. I think you can guess that we're not going to celebrate that... From this date, it was 3 days ago, I think... I love him I really do, and as many other people, I didn't know what I had until I lost him. I didn't always treat him well, by this I don't mean I ever cheated on him, never! I'm very monogame, and I had very strong feelings for him. But I feel like 80% of the guilt is on me. To give you a small insight.. He is 18 almost 19 years old, a very mature guy, and he like "jumped over" the teenage state of mind.. I'm 16, almost 17, I would consider myself mature, yet a lot childish. He was always opening up to me, and he talked a lot with me about his psyche, and I always tried to help him the best I could. But everytime he opened himself up, became vulnerable about anything in the relationship, I would just punch him in the face kinda. Not literally, ofc, but I really did let him down, and I feel so guilty. I didn't do it in my right mind of course! I was angry and defensive. Oh how defensive I was! At some point I blame my ex before him for this, because I opened myself to him, and he stabbed my heart, and now, I couldn't do it to my boyfriend who had been there for me in 1,5 year! But I have also been thinking that it might have been because I was afraid to lose him.. And yet, he proved so much, he did so much to make me open myself, but I was too late, and my guilt is killing me. You need a little more insigt to understand my actions... We always had this "Communication vs. Mind-reading" he was the overly mature saying communication is the only way to have a nice relationship.. I don't deny, but I need just a little mind-reading... Let's say we had sex for about the first year(and please, no comment about being "Too early" because in my country it is legalized at age 15, and we had been together for long), and the last half year, I couldn't let myself, because it didn't feel comfortable. He never understood why, I gave him a few hints (It was because I wanted it to be romantic, and he began to "control my head") while giving him head for example.) I told him after a lot of time, and he started crying and then he began to see... And to "prove his love" to me, he would sometimes, even when we were angry and I was the one being the bad part, he would take his bicycle and ride over to my house at 1:00 AM, 15 kilometres both ways. And we always ended up being loving again... We have sooo many weird, funny, cute memories. And a lot of them is digitalized, or things like, bracelets and such. We worked on a lot of stuff together like programming games, playing music, we did so much together, he even have to tell about a program he made for me, for his exam, and he can't change that now. And because I want him to read my mind, rather than communicating, he thinks I'm too immature to be with him... Of course I need communicating, but.. I feel so divided... Now for the "break-up" it was after a break on a week, To start with he said "I don't actually care what you have to say, it's over" and of course I began to cry. I felt even worse, because I was like going to break up with him as well, but the tables had turned, and now It's him in charge. (He has a very extreme conscience, he feels guilty for everything, even things which isn't really his fault) but he ended up saying OK to listen to me. I remember he cried when I walked out the door. Now I did the first stupid thing. I was thinking "Maybe he just wants me to prove how much I will do for this!" so I went out of my bed 23:00, and I stood by his house 00:00, and I rang and asked him to go outside, like he always did. He wasn't home, he was at a friend.. I had a fear that would happen all the time, but I wouldn't let it stop me... He said he would come and get me, and I told him not to.. And he seemed delighted with not having to go get me(which he was, I'll get back to that) but he told me, that I had to promise to contact him when I got home, because he was so worried about me. So I got home, and did my promise, I texted him and I told him "goodnight" and he told me the same. Now I did the stupidest thing.. only one day after that, I contacted him, begged him, pleaded him for taking me back, and I was crying. I wanted him so badly, and I feel like he is playing games with my feelings now.. He told me, that loved me, just not our relationship. It had nothing to do with my personality, he just couldn't bare to be as naive as he had been believing in this would be better, I lied a lot to protect myself, I would tell him that everythings ok, even though I was burning inside. And that hurts him. He never lied to me.. Only when he said "I will never break up with you." and "Forever," then he started telling me the exact opposite. He started telling me that the reason he wouldn't take me back was because it no longer is about how we act, but who we are. That he no longer could see between my flaws they were becoming too much... and THEN he began to talk about that he gelt his nihilism, nothing meant anything and not me either. He felt stronger than ever, and wants to be free, he wanted to become "asexual" for a time, and people had no sex to him at the moment. I asked him to give me clear answer.. Because the doubt is more nagging than a goodbye. "Shall I wait for you" Then he began to say "If and notice i say IF our relationship is ended for good..." and then he ended the conversation with "But I want you to think of this as over, I don't want you to doubt. So.. goodbye." He also told me that he is certainly sure it's over between us, and the only reason he doubt is because I'm sad. He used to cry only by the thought of me being sad.. He said he couldn't cry because of that anymore, and he didn't.. he seemed cold. He also said that the only reason he talked to me for so long, was because I wanted to, he'd rather just hang up... Once he would beg me to talk with him any second... He told me that I was like "the best friend he couldn't get" in the end, because we were so stuck.. He had throughout our relationship, and in the last phone call told me he could never maintain friends with me because I had ment too much for him... He also said he would remember me as much more than an exgirlfriend to him, because we had went through a very lot. He told I had learned him so much. And of course he asked me not to contact him again after this conversation, and I told him I'll do my best, and if I tried to call him, please hang up, I said. He said he couldn't, he wouldn't do that to me. But now I know I will be strong enough to not contacting him until he contacts me.. or at least until a month or two. Have I ruined my chance to get back together with him? If I do, I would talk all this out with him, and I would be ready to open up. I wouldn't start from where we left us, so it's not the "finding back together leaving in a month" thing, I have thought that over. I want change as well.. For now, I will leave him be for a month or two or in between.. Will he think a lot about me? Will he be lonely without me? Will he realise? Will he move on without me? All these questions.. And I'm not that sad right now, and I don't really understand these feelings I have, because it's only been three days, and at my last "break-up" I felt bad for a month non-stop before proceeding.. Now it's like on-and-off, and I've felt just normal for more than 10 hours.. It's great, but except for my stomach, which has complained since he left me... But I want him back, he means a lot to me. And I want to point out even though I may be the worst part of this relationship... He also hurted me a lot, so I know that it's not all my fault.. But mostly... It is my fault... Can I do anything to make it up to him?I want him to know he can open up about anything.. he is an amazing guy, so even if I got over him, I am demostated that I am not able to be his friend.. If anyone could tell me a little why he reacts like it does, it would help me so very much... Thanks... Its been 5 days since NC, he is my first true love, and Ive always dreamt of only being with 1 person my entire life, he is the only one who ever loved me back, and I feel guilty for not have been more communicating. I will NC for a month to show that I wanna be with him because of love and not dependance, I learned much of this break-up, and I want him to know what I know now. Do I stand a chance?
sunshinebaby Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 TLDR most of it. Just wanted to give you a quick answer that might help you feel better. A second chance is possible! My bf and I dated for 1.5 yr but we broke up a couple months ago. He even 'started a new relationship' with some terrible girl (rebound). Just focus on yourself. I made those mistakes, too. But it's okay, I think everyone does. Just stop talking to him. No letter, nothing. Just stop. Go to the gym. Buy yourself new clothes. Remember what you learned from breaking up bc when you do (if it's meant to be) get back together, you will have to actually practice what you realized. And it's hard ****ing work, I tell you! Don't beg anymore, just stop talking. Do you. I read a great quote on this fourm before, it was something like 'absence does to the heart what wind does to fire, it extinguishes the small and inflames the great' . And because you guys dated for so long, there's a good chance it wasn't 'just small'. Let him miss you. bonne chance
Author LayDark Posted April 23, 2011 Author Posted April 23, 2011 (edited) Thank you so much for your answer I wont contact him at all until a month after our break up. Especially not begging anymore, since I know we both want a relationship out of love, rather than dependance. Although I'm a little afraid of "out of sight, out of mind" could be applying. One of his friends told me that "he seems okay" I'm afraid he only remember the bad things. And that to him they outweigh the good, hence the break-up. But his whole room is almost screaming my name, with stuff I gave to him... Thanks for your hopeful post, I think I know it will be hard, but I'm willing to fight a very lot for this! Edited April 23, 2011 by LayDark
Recommended Posts