change Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 The feedback I've gotten on these forums has been so nice. It's great to get any information from people outside the situation. Thanks, LS. So here's the deal. Had a conversation with my wife today, and she admitted to waffling a lot over the last three weeks about our relationship. When she left, she was sure it was over. A week and a half later, she started crying and said she wanted to come home. Fast forward another two weeks, and we're still separated. Today she admitted that she has seriously considered coming back home and working on our marriage. In her IC appointment, though, she decided that she also wanted out of the marriage -- and that she could no longer distinguish my needs/desires from her own. Basically, she doesn't know if she wanted to come home because I wanted her to come home, or because she wanted to come home. Going to MC has made her feel pressured. And I make her feel pressured because I'm working on all the changes she wanted to see to make our marriage better. She wants three months of alone time to get in touch with her needs. No MC. Not sure how much contact she wants with me. No talk about the future or our relationship until the end of the three months. I think this makes some sense. She needs space. I'm entirely willing to give it to her. From where I stand, it seems that she considers coming back whenever we spend a lot of time together and she sees that I'm really becoming a much better husband. She wants to sort through her feelings -- to make sure she isn't coming home for me and isn't coming home because she's afraid of being alone (her IC's suggestion). Thoughts? I'm fairly hopeful that things will work out right now. She still considers me one of her closest friends and we've come from the brink of immediate divorce to a trial separation because she needs to sort through the conflicting feelings she's had in the last month. Am I totally crazy?
Yasuandio Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 The feedback I've gotten on these forums has been so nice. It's great to get any information from people outside the situation. Thanks, LS. So here's the deal. Had a conversation with my wife today, and she admitted to waffling a lot over the last three weeks about our relationship. When she left, she was sure it was over. A week and a half later, she started crying and said she wanted to come home. Fast forward another two weeks, and we're still separated. Today she admitted that she has seriously considered coming back home and working on our marriage. In her IC appointment, though, she decided that she also wanted out of the marriage -- and that she could no longer distinguish my needs/desires from her own. Basically, she doesn't know if she wanted to come home because I wanted her to come home, or because she wanted to come home. Going to MC has made her feel pressured. And I make her feel pressured because I'm working on all the changes she wanted to see to make our marriage better. She wants three months of alone time to get in touch with her needs. No MC. Not sure how much contact she wants with me. No talk about the future or our relationship until the end of the three months. I think this makes some sense. She needs space. I'm entirely willing to give it to her. From where I stand, it seems that she considers coming back whenever we spend a lot of time together and she sees that I'm really becoming a much better husband. She wants to sort through her feelings -- to make sure she isn't coming home for me and isn't coming home because she's afraid of being alone (her IC's suggestion). Thoughts? I'm fairly hopeful that things will work out right now. She still considers me one of her closest friends and we've come from the brink of immediate divorce to a trial separation because she needs to sort through the conflicting feelings she's had in the last month. Am I totally crazy? Of course you are not totally crazy. However, since everything has turned out as you described -- you must now do exactly what she requests with a big cooperative attitude. And don't back down. NC means NC. No phone call, text, email, letter, drive by, coffee, or any other excuse. Pay the bills 3 months in advance if necessary. If you question your sanity, and continue to back down, same old, same old, (see old threads) then that's completely your choice. You have to make her miss you now. And she asked for it, now you have to give it to her -- and hope, the following phase rings true for her: " Be careful what you wish for.". Good luck.
Author change Posted April 23, 2011 Author Posted April 23, 2011 Yasuandio: See, there's the crux of my confusion moving into this trial separation. She hasn't asked for NC. She's not sure what she wants out of it. I'll still be coming by to co-parent our cat at pre-set times. (She's been doing this while living out of the house, too. The cat is very much like our child.) And we MAY be working on hanging out doing non-couple things... just enjoying each other's company. She doesn't know yet. She said I'm one of her closest friends, but that she's also not ready to be just friends yet. I'm also making some very big changes in my life right now that she really wants to be a part of. Given all of that -- do you think I should ask her for NC? Because that's not how we've set this up. It's all entirely in her court right now. Including the possibility of dating other people (not really sure where she's at one this now; she expressed that she needs to learn how to be alone and isn't really in a mental place where she could be in a relationship).
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