Do you ever feel that you just have really deep rooted issues...

[cerridwen]

The problem with this is, it does not drive me to have a competitive and striving spirit to do better...sigh...

 

Not sure I understand. Do you mean, if you accept yourself you don't feel motivated to improve in any regard?

 

D-Lish (and everyone else):-

 

Have you read, "Taming Your Outer Child"?

 

It's a book by Susan Anderson that claims to bridge the gap between awareness and moving forward. It looks at the destructive ways in which we prevent ourselves from moving forward, even though we've done the necessary analytical work on our past.

 

I've mentioned it in my other thread.

 

I guess any book that looks at self-defeating behaviours would be appropriate too.

 

Wow, great thread!

Thanks for the book recommendation too.

We have it in our library so I just put it on hold.

 

Yes, that is how it does work. I have not reached the thematic point yet.

Has your therapist asked for your history and any potential targets in there.

 

Generally EMDR was like stripping off the worst layers first so yes each lower layer won't feel as different or as much of an impact.

 

My therapist never asked for my history & potential targets no!

We've known each other a year. Think that's why?

[dreamingoftigers]

Not sure I understand. Do you mean, if you accept yourself you don't feel motivated to improve in any regard?

 

Wow, great thread!

Thanks for the book recommendation too.

We have it in our library so I just put it on hold.

 

My therapist never asked for my history & potential targets no!

We've known each other a year. Think that's why?

 

I have no idea. I would have to know their model to even hazard a guess. Do you know if you have a 'treatment plan'? Most therapists dont' exactly have a flowchart that they hand out to you detailing what areas of your psyche need a tune-up or a reassessment, but it might be helpful to ask.

 

I am also guessing that she would have a good grasp on your family or origin if you have seen her for more then a year, but only you would know what you have shared.

[D-Lish]

I've had a lot of talk therapy over the years- and it's really helped me to put my issues on the table. The only problem is that those issues are still sitting on the table.

 

My issues manifest mostly in my romantic relationships. It sucks to be fully aware I am being self destructive as I am doing or saying something and going through with it anyway. I'll know I'll have regrets as I am saying something to push someone away- yet I say it anyway then go figure, regret it afterward.

 

I'm going to look into that book, it sounds like it could be helpful.

[Ruby Slippers]

I know that I have some issues due to bad and neglectful parenting, but I think I have handled them the best I can. That's all any of us can do. And I am continuing to work on them all the time.

 

And really, even the people I know in long-term relationships have issues. I think almost all people do.

 

A great book I have read on the subject of healing your inner child is You Are the One You've Been Waiting For, by Richard Schwartz, recommended to me by my really smart and good therapist.

[betterdeal]

I've had a lot of talk therapy over the years- and it's really helped me to put my issues on the table. The only problem is that those issues are still sitting on the table.

 

If there were two chairs in front of you, one which makes people sad and one which makes people happy, which one will you sit in?

[ALonerAgain]

I've had a lot of talk therapy over the years- and it's really helped me to put my issues on the table. The only problem is that those issues are still sitting on the table.

 

My issues manifest mostly in my romantic relationships. It sucks to be fully aware I am being self destructive as I am doing or saying something and going through with it anyway. I'll know I'll have regrets as I am saying something to push someone away- yet I say it anyway then go figure, regret it afterward.

 

I'm going to look into that book, it sounds like it could be helpful.

 

I, too have the same trouble. I'm starting to believe talking therapy only helps if the person hadn't yet made a correlation between their present problems and their past and/or they had a hard time 'opening up' to others about their problems.

 

I think though that all the real work must be done outside of the counselling room. This is why I've decided to take the approach of reading up on my many issues, relating them to my life and then using my therapy sessions to talk about what I've 'found out'.

 

Good in theory, but I've yet to actually 'do' the exercises in the books!

 

I know that I have some issues due to bad and neglectful parenting, but I think I have handled them the best I can. That's all any of us can do. And I am continuing to work on them all the time.

 

And really, even the people I know in long-term relationships have issues. I think almost all people do.

 

It's true. Everybody has baggage. What I would respect, and perhaps admire, most is how that person recognised and worked/working though their issues.

 

I think for me, going through this journey of self-discovery, I would want a partner who's fully aware and open to working on his own issues (or better still, has resolved them already!). I've made this one of my 'Qualities to Look For In a Partner'.

 

A great book I have read on the subject of healing your inner child is You Are the One You've Been Waiting For, by Richard Schwartz, recommended to me by my really smart and good therapist.

 

Thanks for the tip.

 

I tried to search for this on Amazon, but can't find it? Is it an old one?

Edited April 25, 2011 by ALonerAgain

[betterdeal]

I think a lot of the problems people have with romantic relationships is due to unrealistic expectations of the relationship, lack of skills to preserve oneself whilst at the same time being flexible enough to be open to intimacy, and lack of outside interests.

 

Too often I read about an "amazing connection" and "real love" here, and felt that kind of thing myself through my twenties. It's fairy-tale like, and I think fairy-tales have influenced our expectations enormously. They start with improbable beginnings and end with happy ever after. That's it. You kill the bad guy and get the girl, or kiss the frog and marry the prince. There's no mention of what this happy ever after consists of.

 

Truth is, sitting around eating strawberries and cream and whispering "I wuv woo" gets tedious after a month or three. It also doesn't pay the bills or stimulate our senses much. We just get fat and isolated from friends, family & community. Even "amazing sex" loses its novelty after about the same period. In fact, it all evaporates when we run out of reserve energy and cannot sustain living on massive doses of adrenalin and dopamine.

 

Now don't get me wrong, I'm no cynic. Sex, infatuation, affection, passion, connection are all wonderful experiences. But so is finding an occupation you enjoy, learning about the natural world, developing interests and hobbies, meeting up with people you know and people you don't know, dancing, skipping, cooking, singing, reading, sleeping.

 

Having sexual, affectionate, companionable, passionate, romantic, platonic, dependable, fruitful, beneficial relationships with people, hobbies, things, places, is all part of our experience of the world. Finding the right number of the right type of relationships for ourselves is a balancing act, and the number may fluctuate as time goes by.

 

It is by managing our relationships, deciding where we want to be, that we can get these romantic, sexual, passionate or affectionate relationships into a better context and not inadvertently break them or stick to them after the best before date by worrying so much about them or depending on them too much. And we don't get stuck with the fairytale ending nonsense.

 

You meet someone, the become a part of your life, not the central part of it, but an important part of it. And if it doesn't work out - if they insist you have blonde hair and you decide you want brown - you split up and you have the rest of your life to look after, such as your body, your job, your friends, your hobbies, your home. You remain the central person in your life.

 

You may make exceptions to this once you have children, for example, but even that's temporary. At some point they become adults and you're back to your own company again.

 

The older I get, the less I enjoy drama and rules and delusions, and the more I enjoy nuances and rhythms and realisations.

[Ruby Slippers]

Thanks for the tip.

 

I tried to search for this on Amazon, but can't find it? Is it an old one?

I think you can only get it through the therapist's site (or the library): http://www.selfleadership.org/