lovesick22 Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 Married for over 19 years and dated the same woman for about 10 years prior to marrying her. Long story short, found out she was having an affair about 10 years ago, went to marriage counseling, worked on the things she need from me and paid more attention to her needs. thought everything was fine and we're back on track. Just found out recently that the affair never ended! The affair started 14 years ago and is still on going! I can't even call it an affair anymore, it's like a whole relationship or life she's built outside. She continued to see OM and is now deeply in love with him. She still does not want a divorce. I'm devested to say the least. The kids (2) are at an age where it's crucial to have a steady home life so they can focus on getting into a good college so for the time being, I'm trying to be rational and keep things calm. Am I crazy for not simply walking out?
bentnotbroken Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 Married for over 19 years and dated the same woman for about 10 years prior to marrying her. Long story short, found out she was having an affair about 10 years ago, went to marriage counseling, worked on the things she need from me and paid more attention to her needs. thought everything was fine and we're back on track. Just found out recently that the affair never ended! The affair started 14 years ago and is still on going! I can't even call it an affair anymore, it's like a whole relationship or life she's built outside. She continued to see OM and is now deeply in love with him. She still does not want a divorce. I'm devested to say the least. The kids (2) are at an age where it's crucial to have a steady home life so they can focus on getting into a good college so for the time being, I'm trying to be rational and keep things calm. Am I crazy for not simply walking out? :(You did nothing wrong except maybe believe you were the reason for the affair in the beginning. You need to take care of you and your children. You don't want to leave ? Do you think there is a way you can separate and without major disruption to your children.
Spark1111 Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 Married for over 19 years and dated the same woman for about 10 years prior to marrying her. Long story short, found out she was having an affair about 10 years ago, went to marriage counseling, worked on the things she need from me and paid more attention to her needs. thought everything was fine and we're back on track. Just found out recently that the affair never ended! The affair started 14 years ago and is still on going! I can't even call it an affair anymore, it's like a whole relationship or life she's built outside. She continued to see OM and is now deeply in love with him. She still does not want a divorce. I'm devested to say the least. The kids (2) are at an age where it's crucial to have a steady home life so they can focus on getting into a good college so for the time being, I'm trying to be rational and keep things calm. Am I crazy for not simply walking out? Take a deep breath! Your knee-jerk reaction is protecting your children's future and that is admirable. I can tell you are a loving father. But living in the same house under these conditions will be toxic to your health. What sort of future will your children have if this info makes you sick, physically and emotionally? I think you need to concentrate on how to be the best father you can be while examining your personal needs. Would it be better for YOU to separate? Take a break from her and her ongoing affair? Still be a devoted father? What is best for you? You did not cause this pain or heartache. She did when she chose to continue an affair you thought was long over. Please make an appointment today with an good counselor. You need to have a place to vent your heartache and discuss what is in the best interests of YOU and your children. Please, please do this today.
fltc Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 The kids (2) are at an age where it's crucial to have a steady home life so they can focus on getting into a good college so for the time being, I'm trying to be rational and keep things calm. Am I crazy for not simply walking out? Yes, you are. Divorce now might actually be the best for the children, your feelings will surely come across to them. You'll be happier divorced and the children will probably be happier as well. DUMP HER! SEE A LAWYER! DO IT NOW!
mark982 Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 is the om married? if so tell his wife. only reason i can see her not wanting a divorce is, she would have to give up her cushy lifestyle. after all her continued lying, i would say lawyer up, and dump her azz.
Bryanp Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 Yes you are crazy for wanting to stay with her. I am surprised that nobody has previously mentioned this but since this affair has been going on for so long, I think it is essential that you get a paternity test on your children. Your wife (if you can call her this) is really a piece of work. She has made a complete mockery of your marriage and clearly enjoyed making a fool out of her unknowing husband. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would have remain with you? How much more humiliation and distain are you willing to endure. Please see an attorney and stop this madness. If you do not respect yourself, then who will? I wish you luck.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 Why else would you want to stay aside from your children? Serious question.
Woman In Blue Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 Honestly, do you think you're the first man on EARTH to get a divorce, and your children would be the first ones on earth to experience it? Stop using your kids as an excuse to stay right where you are because you're too petrified to make a life change. While divorce is never a happy time for kids, it certainly isn't the catastrophic event you're painting it to be. I think at this point, knowing what you do, you'd be a fool to STAY.
Author lovesick22 Posted April 23, 2011 Author Posted April 23, 2011 (edited) Thanks for all the input…I’ll try to answer some of your questions I’m already seeing a counselor. She’s good and I’m able to vent a bit. The most important hurdle to overcome is the deception. If I do go with divorce, I’ll still need to work with the wife, for the kid’s sake. Also, the wife is seeing a counselor as well. I don’t expect miracles but I do know that SHE NEEDS HELP. As for DNA testing, I’m 100% certain that I’m the father, genetically and spiritually... The OM is not married but is living with someone. From what I could gather, he was single at inception of the affair (14 yrs ago) but now has a living-in girl friend with whom he purchased a house with. I thought about telling OM’s GF. I even found their address and all sort of details…but, cooler head prevailed. I guess I believe revenge is a loser’s game and as much as I want to stick it to the OM, I have to stick with my own principals. Good points from “dreamingoftigers” and “Woman In Blue” re: what else is holding me back from leaving. To be honest, part of me is afraid of changes and possibly the loneliness. If you noticed on my original post, I’ve been with this woman for 30 years. I’ve always been in love with her and no on else. Maybe I’m using the kids as an excuse to stick around and avoid change. I don’t know. In any case, the pain is great and continuous so I do have my limits. My follow question is has anyone tried couples counseling even after the decision is to divorce? My counselor thought it may be a good idea since the affair lasted so long and the deception so great that some professional counseling may help to improve communication (as Xs and dealing with the kids), even if we do decide to divorce. Edited April 23, 2011 by lovesick22
Bryanp Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 So let me get this straight: If the OM had a girlfriend at the time of the affair and she found out about the affair, you would not have wanted her to tell you? You have got to be kidding me. You have sent a clear message to the OM that there will be no consequences to him for having a sexual affair with your wife for the past 14 years. You are unbelievable.
mark982 Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 affairs thrive in darkness, expose affair to om's girlfriend
fooled once Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 Married for over 19 years and dated the same woman for about 10 years prior to marrying her. Long story short, found out she was having an affair about 10 years ago, went to marriage counseling, worked on the things she need from me and paid more attention to her needs. thought everything was fine and we're back on track. Just found out recently that the affair never ended! The affair started 14 years ago and is still on going! I can't even call it an affair anymore, it's like a whole relationship or life she's built outside. She continued to see OM and is now deeply in love with him. She still does not want a divorce. I'm devested to say the least. The kids (2) are at an age where it's crucial to have a steady home life so they can focus on getting into a good college so for the time being, I'm trying to be rational and keep things calm. Am I crazy for not simply walking out? I do not understand why you stay. How can you not walk out? She has made a mockery of your marriage. Isn't it more crucial to show your children boundaries, honor and respect? She has no plans to stop being in an affair. Go get STD tested and file for a legal separation. Sit your kids down and inform them of what is going on -- including the fact that their mom is having an affair. The more you protect her, the more she gets affirmation that it is okay for her to be a liar and someone who has no idea what loyalty means. I am sure your kids will end up resenting her or even hating her; but she only has herself to blame. Man, what a cruel, cruel woman.
fooled once Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 Also, as a divorced mom, you keep any relations with the ex as a business relationship. Since the kids are getting towards the age of college, there is very little interaction needed between you and their mother, should you divorce. I am sure they have cell phones so you communicate directly with them; not go through the mom. Not sure what all you think you will need to deal with her on in regards to co-parenting. The worst thing you can do is stay silent. You need to expose the affair and infidelity to her family, her friends and her church. By remaining silent, you are saying "its okay you have cheated on me for 14 years". Enough of that and enough of enabling her. Tell his girlfriend, get an STD check and see a lawyer. How can you ever, ever TRUST her again after this???
2sunny Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 looks like you did work to repair things way back when - what did she DO to EARN your trust back... i'm just wondering why you trust her so readily? IF you had been watching her on some level you should have known what was going on when you closed your eyes to her cheating ways. get honest with yourself. you have NO trust - therefore you have NO marriage. no respect. she has disrespected and disregarded you at every turn. the fact that she tells you she's in love with him should be your first clue and reason to throw her out today! tell your kids. tell the family. tell her OMgf. expose her. she DID this - and for SO long - she needs to OWN IT herself! it's not yours - and it's not yours to fix. she had her chance! how many chances are you going to give her? how about your self respect? regard yourself enough to leave! i left - after 23 years with a man that cheated at the 10 year mark - i gave him a second chance with my boundary - "you do it again and YOU are out without even so much as a conversation" that's the way it happened in the end. we were loving and kind with each other and even had a great sex life. we had it all - and HIS actions brought everything tumbling down! my kids were your kids ages... i corresponded directly with them. no need to speak to their Dad... they appreciated me staying away from him in those years after. it was healthy for them and for me. i told them they should have a relationship with their Dad and to make sure they corresponded with him. he was very depressed for a long while - but he wasn't sorry, he was only sorry he got caught. life goes along... you can be happy without her! stay busy, but for God's sake - draw that line by kicking her out now! move money, cancel credit cards and change the locks. she had her chance - she threw that chance away. she's NOT a loving wife since she CHOSE this over and over. grab your balls and use them - here, i'll loan you mine! i've gotten to be a strong, independent woman over the past 6 years - one who no longer takes that crap from anyone. i deserve to be treated with dignity and respect - you're never going to get that as long as you are wimpy man. she's a cheat and a liar - how can you even look at her much less sleep with her or have her in your home knowing she screwed you over for the past 30 years? she's wasted 30 years pretending to love you... it's time for that to stop.
Bigsmoke Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 I think you should divorce. The kids will be fine. As for your decision to not inform his girlfriend, I believe you are acting immorally. You are hurting this woman with your silence, and that is wrong. Don't you believe in the golden rule?
ver13 Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 Anyone that has an"A" for this extended amount of time doesn't plan on truly commiting to anyone whatsoever. I love my kids with all my heart and I can see that you feel the same but staying with your "W" is really not an option she left you 14yrs ago and hasn't come back since. Now is the time to help her make her dream come true and let the whole world know about it. Your family will be much better in the end for it at least you can all move on and live in the sunlight. It's time to step out of the dark so to speak and move on to a better life then the one that you are all living right now. If she really want's to be with the "OM" to the piont that she is willing to continue a deception on for this long then you need to stop it. It's not healthy for anyone in your house right now.
NXS Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 Don't leave your family home!! Try and get her to leave and then divorce her. The kids are in their late teens (?) so they're at the stage where they'll start moving on with their own lives and won't need either of you as much.
drifter777 Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 Married for over 19 years and dated the same woman for about 10 years prior to marrying her. Long story short, found out she was having an affair about 10 years ago, went to marriage counseling, worked on the things she need from me and paid more attention to her needs. thought everything was fine and we're back on track. Just found out recently that the affair never ended! The affair started 14 years ago and is still on going! I can't even call it an affair anymore, it's like a whole relationship or life she's built outside. She continued to see OM and is now deeply in love with him. She still does not want a divorce. I'm devested to say the least. The kids (2) are at an age where it's crucial to have a steady home life so they can focus on getting into a good college so for the time being, I'm trying to be rational and keep things calm. Am I crazy for not simply walking out? Kids at an age where picking out a good college is a priority are kids old enough to know that mommy and daddy have a sham marriage. If you want a chance to be happy and teach your children a great life lesson, pick your self respect off the floor and get yourself a new life. Pack your things, call a lawyer, find a place to live large enough for your kids and get the hell out of this sick situation. You don't have to move the kids with you now, they'll want to be with you soon enough. You have the best part of your life ahead of you, believe me. And BTW, your cheating wife and/or the OM may not be so keen on the relationship when it's no longer taboo - but that's her problem and you need to do what's best for you. Finally, I really think walking out is the best thing for you. If you stay and try to get her to leave you bring a whole bunch of other crap into an already complicated situation. In the end it will be the two of you and your lawyers sorting this out so retain counsel immediately and stay on the high road. Good luck. All power is derived from ACTION.
2long Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 My W had a VLTA (11 years when I found out 9 years ago), and is still trying 2 maintain some kind of professional friendship/contact on a sporadic basis after all the hell we've been through since I found out. We've been married 35 years, and have 2 adult kids, similar in some ways 2 your si2ation. I can understand you wanting 2 stay married for the kids' sake, if you really believe that divorcing would be more disruptive than putting up with the affair. It was pretty intolerable for me after d-day 2 put up with the continued contact (Rat Meat worked as a consultant for my W for about a year and a half after I found out), and RM has lived 2 states away for most of the time, so they didn't "hook up" very many times. If your W's OM lives nearby such that they see each other often, I would think that would be impossible 2 deal with. 2 things you need 2 do. Expose 2 the OM's GF, AND expose 2 your kids. These aren't revenge acts, they're simply telling the truth. And if the affair is so wonderful, the affairees wouldn't mind if everyone knew, would they? And your kids deserve 2 know the truth. Both my kids heard about the affair when they were in their early 20s. They were upset, and my W has had 2 regain their trust. But that's her job, not mine. And it was up 2 my kids 2 decide for themselves if they could live with her betrayal. Next, you need 2 decide what you want for your own fu2re. I've decided 2 stay married, 'cause I'm old and don't feel like starting over:D. Seriously, I still contemplate what life might be like without her. And I know I'll be fine without her. Certainly, if there were another affair, I wouldn't waste any time trying 2 recover. I remember my marriage being mediocre during her affair, and I won't go back 2 that for anyone. Ignorance may be bliss for some. But I'm no longer ignorant. And neither are you. -ol' 2long
John Michael Kane Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 Honestly, do you think you're the first man on EARTH to get a divorce, and your children would be the first ones on earth to experience it? Stop using your kids as an excuse to stay right where you are because you're too petrified to make a life change. While divorce is never a happy time for kids, it certainly isn't the catastrophic event you're painting it to be. I think at this point, knowing what you do, you'd be a fool to STAY. Great post.:)
jnj express Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 Hey lovesick----your wife is a biggamist---only thing not making that official is she didn't also marry the other guy 14 yrs, she is deeply in love with him---and you are having a problem thinking about leaving Grow up, or rather maybe you would rather stay and be with her, as she loves her other man----why would you be wasting one penny on counseling---use the money to divorce, and go find a woman who will love you You only get one trip thru life on this planet---and if you stay with her the rest of life will be a life of misery---and please stop blaming your lack of proper decision making on what's best for the kids---this whole situation is way past that stage You can either be a man, or a doormat---choice is yours!!!!!!!!
Author lovesick22 Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 It’s been a while since I checked in, brief update…the wife and I are still holding on, keeping things status quo. I haven’t decided on what my next step is but my daughter will have a threshold event in early June which will determine pretty much her future for the next 5-7 years. I’ve dealt with wife’s poor actions for 14 years I can certainly hand on for a few more weeks. As my counselor said, I don’t want my daughter to put the blame on us if she does not do well. As for wife’s affair, its ended for now. Apparently, she wanted support from OM and he ran for the hills. I’m not optimistic because I know how she feels and the OM’s MO. In any case, I know OM has been trying to stay in touch and the wife is doing her best to ignore him. Any suggestions or experience facing similar circumstances?
RobD70 Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 It’s been a while since I checked in, brief update…the wife and I are still holding on, keeping things status quo. I haven’t decided on what my next step is but my daughter will have a threshold event in early June which will determine pretty much her future for the next 5-7 years. I’ve dealt with wife’s poor actions for 14 years I can certainly hand on for a few more weeks. As my counselor said, I don’t want my daughter to put the blame on us if she does not do well. As for wife’s affair, its ended for now. Apparently, she wanted support from OM and he ran for the hills. I’m not optimistic because I know how she feels and the OM’s MO. In any case, I know OM has been trying to stay in touch and the wife is doing her best to ignore him. Any suggestions or experience facing similar circumstances? The affair is not over, best case it will go into remission. She was with him for 14 years, there's no way it will end overnight, too much history there. You are at the beginning of something that may take years to resolved if you try to make it work. Being she's spend the majority your relationship with someone else there's also a good chance that even if she cut out the OM she'll find a new one to replace him later because it's all she knows. It may not be possible for her to stay monogamous.
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