Amour7 Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 It's been 3 weeks since I last saw my xMM. This is our longest separation in 2 years. Wednesday marked 2 weeks of NC, but I've had a set back. For a professional opportunity, I had a convincing reason to contact him and after mulling it over and checking in with one of my LS supporters, I decided it was worth it for me to contact him as long as I kept it strictly professional, sent it to his work email, etc. He responded in kind, being very professional and wrote me a letter of recommendation that was so touching. The sentiment was somewhat surprising b/c when we began NC 2 weeks ago, he was pissed at me; he was supposed to be taking time to make a decision about whether to leave his W and I "interrupted" his time to tell him good bye and that I know he couldn't make that decision now. Anyway, this recent contact was as "successful" as breaking NC could be, right?, since I got a great recommendation and we kept it professional. However, the exchange (and it was a few back and forth emails about logistics) opened the door to communication and it was like scratching off a barely formed scab from a deep wound. And while he is showing me he cares by respecting my wishes and by putting his anger aside to do something that is important for me, it still hurts. It's almost easier to think he doesn't care. Then yesterday a colleague asked me to join him and xMM to discuss a project today. I started obsessing wondering if xMM had set this up to try to see me (we work in different sites) or if the colleague suggested it and xMM couldn't back down because they were already going to meet... I guess it doesn't really matter, but I told the colleague that I couldn't because I had something urgent to do in the morning. Then I get an email from the colleague right away this morning saying that they changed the meeting until the afternoon. Again, my head is spinning wondering if xMM is trying to make it so I can be there or if it really isn't about me. But I didn't go. Partly because I had other work to do and partly because I knew it would be bad for me. And that brings me to the dilemma. I "successfully" avoided re-engaging (in any way other than professional )with xMM when the opportunities were there, and it doesn't feel good at all. In fact, I feel awful. What kind of reinforcement do I get for being strong when it feels like sh#t? And here's the next dilemma: we have something coming up where we'll both have to work together again for several days. I can hardly bear the thought of it right now. After I get through those days, I think we can go back to NC for an indefinite period of time, so maybe that's something to look forward to- that or getting another job where we wouldn't cross paths. But in the meantime, how can I get through LC intact? Oh, and I just need to get a confession off my chest. I am feeling myself drawn to the colleague- not in a very sexual way, but kind of a flirty way- and I know it's because he's a conduit to xMM. Dangerous territory, I know. I found myself emailing him, "How did the meeting go?" because I really just want to transport myself for a moment back into the presence of xMM. Thanks for letting me unload and for any suggestions you have for how I can get through this AND feel good about it (if possible )
Flabbergaster Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 well...is the colleague SINGLE? If so..flirt away! Might be a good distraction, during this project... amour, i'm thinking we need two levels of NC timer. Time you've gone w/o personal contact, and time w/o professional contact. This lets you stay at 3 weeks with main counter. The goal with the second counter (time since professional contact) is still to minimize. I "successfully" avoided re-engaging (in any way other than professional )with xMM when the opportunities were there, and it doesn't feel good at all. In fact, I feel awful. What kind of reinforcement do I get for being strong when it feels like sh#t? The reinforcement is "...while painful, this is much better than the alternative." Yes it feels awful to maintain NC...it is better than being an OW in an A. How to get through this project? Do lots of planning and reinforcement. -have a witten list of goals for conduct -have a written list of 'defensive methods' to avoid bad situations or thoughts -always make sure there is a third person, never be alone w him (if hpossible) -every day, review your written lists in morning, and then at night review and update as needed -eat lots of garlic. I mean LOTS of garlic. And onions. And milk, if you're lactose intolerant. Indian food (southern -- spicy curried dishes) is also good. Pepto will help fight heartburn without reducing toxicity of the gas or smell of your skin. -have a prepared statement to read to him, if he tries to cross the line. write it ahead of time. This way you can immediately put him in his place if he starts being touchy. Don''t allow conversation on "but i miss [dirty porn sex] with you..." whines. -assume that he will be respectful. give him the benefit of the doubt, once you start working with him. -consider a very short "this will be difficult for both of us. We're both adults, we're both professionals, I know we're going to respect each other and get through this with dignity," statement to him, at kickoff. You're going to need to HEAVILY reach out to your support network to get through this, at least first day(s). So...set that up. And then remind yourself during day, "if i fail...i have to admit that to my support network."
Breezy Trousers Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 Thanks for posting this. I still work on the same floor as (ex?) MM but, unlike you, don't have to work with him.... Yet, that is. There's a possibility it could happen. Still, I'm interested in what others recommend here. Your feelings and your second-guessing the intention behind the project meeting sound natural to me. There's no easy remedy, short of staying honest with yourself and others. Frankly, I don't know how you manage to stay at the same workplace as MM. You're a tough lady. I've only made a few mistakes at my job in the past years, and nearly all were made shortly after MM approached me. I'm too easily rattled and wouldn't have the strength to handle your situation My girlfriend is having an affair with a MM. She left her workplace to get away from him and now wonders how she ever functioned in that office environment while sitting across from her MM's office. Too distracting. (Their affair also became known to the company -- 9 months after MM first initiated NC with her -- so it caused a crisis, but that's another story.) I don't think the unhealthy addictive charge around MM completely fades away, no matter how strong and aware you are. Not for me, anyway. I seriously wonder if we inadvertently create neural grooves in our brains that release delightful chemicals when we think about these guys -- because the slight addictive charge is still there for me, despite knowing MM is mentally disturbed and is happily poking another naive staffer.
Author Amour7 Posted April 23, 2011 Author Posted April 23, 2011 well...is the colleague SINGLE? If so..flirt away! Might be a good distraction, during this project... To my knowledge he is single, but how am I supposed to flirt with garlic and onion on my breath?? amour, i'm thinking we need two levels of NC timer. Time you've gone w/o personal contact, and time w/o professional contact. This lets you stay at 3 weeks with main counter. The goal with the second counter (time since professional contact) is still to minimize. I appreciate this concept of separate timers. Next Wednesday would be 3 weeks from initial NC. Hmm... same day I will see him for the first time in 3.5 weeks. I think being able to keep on modified NC counter if I only talk professional is decent incentive. Good idea. You're going to need to HEAVILY reach out to your support network to get through this, at least first day(s). So...set that up. And then remind yourself during day, "if i fail...i have to admit that to my support network." Yes, but... I don't have much of a support network. The friend who knows was also in an A with him, remember? She is good occasionally to lean on but every time I do, I get the sense that it hurts her a little. And my mom now knows, and I just feel too ashamed to talk to her about it. Since I've made it 2 years without sharing this stuff with others, I feel like what's the point in risking it now? Your point is well taken, though, and I will have to think of other types of support. Flabber, I don't know what I'd do without your posts. Thanks for your support and the laughs
Author Amour7 Posted April 23, 2011 Author Posted April 23, 2011 Breezy, it's nice to have those who can relate and I'm sorry you can, at the same time. However, I don't work in the same building as my xMM. He is actually across town and there may be stretches of months that I don't interact with him professionally. It's hard to know sometimes when it will happen. I am considering looking for another job, though, even though I am quite happy with mine now, because it would be nice to break free of the possibility of having to work together. So, thanks for thinking I'm a tough lady, but I'm really not that tough... If I were at my xMM's office and knew he were "poking a naive staffer" as you put it, I think I might go ballistic right now. I know some day it won't bother me so much, but it does now. Congratulations on your strength! And I think our brains do get wired like we're addicts, so it probably isn't surprising you still feel little addictive surges even when all reason tells you that you don't really want him. Thanks for your post. I've really enjoyed reading what you've written in other threads. Based on lovingwhatis' recommendation, I've got the Byron Katie book and may NEED to start reading it soon. Thanks for posting this. I still work on the same floor as (ex?) MM but, unlike you, don't have to work with him.... Yet, that is. There's a possibility it could happen. Still, I'm interested in what others recommend here. Your feelings and your second-guessing the intention behind the project meeting sound natural to me. There's no easy remedy, short of staying honest with yourself and others. Frankly, I don't know how you manage to stay at the same workplace as MM. You're a tough lady. I've only made a few mistakes at my job in the past years, and nearly all were made shortly after MM approached me. I'm too easily rattled and wouldn't have the strength to handle your situation My girlfriend is having an affair with a MM. She left her workplace to get away from him and now wonders how she ever functioned in that office environment while sitting across from her MM's office. Too distracting. (Their affair also became known to the company -- 9 months after MM first initiated NC with her -- so it caused a crisis, but that's another story.) I don't think the unhealthy addictive charge around MM completely fades away, no matter how strong and aware you are. Not for me, anyway. I seriously wonder if we inadvertently create neural grooves in our brains that release delightful chemicals when we think about these guys -- because the slight addictive charge is still there for me, despite knowing MM is mentally disturbed and is happily poking another naive staffer.
fooled once Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 I agree with Flabber. Great post and great points. You will need to really focus on work and not on him and trying to pick up hidden signals that he is wanting to start the affair again. You will need to have total control over you. Good luck!
Breezy Trousers Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 Breezy, it's nice to have those who can relate and I'm sorry you can, at the same time. However, I don't work in the same building as my xMM. He is actually across town and there may be stretches of months that I don't interact with him professionally. I'm very glad I misunderstood. Your situation is very do-able, then! Thanks for your post. I've really enjoyed reading what you've written in other threads. Based on lovingwhatis' recommendation, I've got the Byron Katie book and may NEED to start reading it soon. I'm glad my experience is of some use! And if you're already considering Katie's work, then you're in a great place ... I'm shifting out of my anger stage and moving back into that direction myself right now. (IMO, we have to work our way out of this in the usual denial-bargaining-anger-acceptance stages -- and anger is often a temporary protective "crutch" while learning to walk away from the addiction -- but ultimately the goal is to look at our issues and release/forgive.) BTW, while I enjoy Katie's books, I think Katie's CDs are her most powerful medium. I bought $500 worth of her tapes 11 years ago and it was the BEST $$ I ever spent in my life. Later, when a friend's husband left her for OW after years of marriage, I burned dozens of Katie's CDs for her (which Katie permits). Huge shifts occurred for my friend. She proved to me that we don't need years of therapy to recover from trauma, but we do need the little willingness to go within. But all in good time ... Cheers to you on your journey, Amour!
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