JMacGirl26 Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 I am new to this forum but so glad I found it. I have been looking for an outlet, or a person who I can confide in without being judged. I met a man about 2 months ago...very attractive, well dressed, educated. I saw his wedding ring, but that didn't stop him from pursuing me and asking for my contact information at an event in which he was spearheading. I wasn't sure at the time he was interested in that way and thought maybe it was for fundraising reasons, so I gave him my email address and phone #. The next day he emailed me telling me how nice it was to meet me. As the emails continued back and forth I told him I noticed his ring and was he still married? His answer was "yes." He said his marriage was complicated and there are issues, but he never would specify. He did say she didn't seem "in to him" anymore and they barely have sex. I went back and forth in my mind about what would happen if I had an intimate relationship with this man. Angel vs. Devil, so to speak. I knew it was wrong and knew I'd feel horribly if I did so. I knew it went against everything I ever believed in. We met in person a total of 4 times, two of which were intimate. After the last time we were intimate, I emailed him and told him I couldn't do it anymore. He agreed it would be best to stop. I eventually told him that I felt horribly and I was having major guilt, not just about being immoral, but by lying and doing that to his wife. They also have 2 young children. I asked him to please tell her the truth. I told him it's only fair that she knows what he has done. He had confided in me that I was not the first woman he had been involved with outside his marriage. One affair lasted 4 yrs! He promised me he would tell his wife and come clean. He told me I convinced him it was the right thing and that it was something he should have done a long time ago. So after telling me he fessed up to her, I sent her an email (she is on his Facebook page) and I told her how I met him and what happened. I told her how honestly sorry I was and how I am not proud of my actions. I told her I have been asking God for forgiveness and that I never ever expect him to leave her or his family. Well, I haven't heard back from her at all and it's been over a week since I sent the email. I am now afraid of the repurcussions of sending that email. At the time I felt it was the right thing to do. Now I'm thinking it wasn't and I'm scared. Any opinions/suggestions/etc??? Thank you
desertIslandCactus Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 I am new to this forum but so glad I found it. I have been looking for an outlet, or a person who I can confide in without being judged. I met a man about 2 months ago...very attractive, well dressed, educated. I saw his wedding ring, but that didn't stop him from pursuing me and asking for my contact information at an event in which he was spearheading. I wasn't sure at the time he was interested in that way and thought maybe it was for fundraising reasons, so I gave him my email address and phone #. The next day he emailed me telling me how nice it was to meet me. As the emails continued back and forth I told him I noticed his ring and was he still married? His answer was "yes." He said his marriage was complicated and there are issues, but he never would specify. He did say she didn't seem "in to him" anymore and they barely have sex. I went back and forth in my mind about what would happen if I had an intimate relationship with this man. Angel vs. Devil, so to speak. I knew it was wrong and knew I'd feel horribly if I did so. I knew it went against everything I ever believed in. We met in person a total of 4 times, two of which were intimate. After the last time we were intimate, I emailed him and told him I couldn't do it anymore. He agreed it would be best to stop. I eventually told him that I felt horribly and I was having major guilt, not just about being immoral, but by lying and doing that to his wife. They also have 2 young children. I asked him to please tell her the truth. I told him it's only fair that she knows what he has done. He had confided in me that I was not the first woman he had been involved with outside his marriage. One affair lasted 4 yrs! He promised me he would tell his wife and come clean. He told me I convinced him it was the right thing and that it was something he should have done a long time ago. So after telling me he fessed up to her, I sent her an email (she is on his Facebook page) and I told her how I met him and what happened. I told her how honestly sorry I was and how I am not proud of my actions. I told her I have been asking God for forgiveness and that I never ever expect him to leave her or his family. Well, I haven't heard back from her at all and it's been over a week since I sent the email. I am now afraid of the repurcussions of sending that email. At the time I felt it was the right thing to do. Now I'm thinking it wasn't and I'm scared. Any opinions/suggestions/etc??? Thank you What's done is done. I think to stop an act - and repentance is everything. It means you regret and will not return. Just pray and move forward.
Author JMacGirl26 Posted April 22, 2011 Author Posted April 22, 2011 Thank you for your response, Desert. I am praying and I am so sick with myself for doing this. I knew nothing good would come of it and I know it's so wrong in every way. What do I do if the wife responds to my email and she wants revenge? I am so afraid of something like that.
desertIslandCactus Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 Thank you for your response, Desert. I am praying and I am so sick with myself for doing this. I knew nothing good would come of it and I know it's so wrong in every way. What do I do if the wife responds to my email and she wants revenge? I am so afraid of something like that. I don't think she'll want revenge. If she responds she may have questions for you. Sometimes, after thinking about it and asking the H questions - the wife returns to the OW email and asks her questions regarding the R. Don't be so hard on yourself. Everyone makes mistakes in all facets of life. You already have regret and repentance .. Just turn on your heel and move forward.
BB07 Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 Thank you for your response, Desert. I am praying and I am so sick with myself for doing this. I knew nothing good would come of it and I know it's so wrong in every way. What do I do if the wife responds to my email and she wants revenge? I am so afraid of something like that. He probably lied to her and told her it didn't happen and you were nuts, but it doesn't really matter as you need to take care of you and not worry about them. If she does contact you in the future answer her questions honestly and then let it go.
Author JMacGirl26 Posted April 22, 2011 Author Posted April 22, 2011 I woke up in a complete panic yesterday thinking about all the horrible scenarios that could come from those 2 encounters with him. I keep thinking his wife will come after me or want to blame me for any problems they may continue to have. After he supposedly told her about meeting me, he told me that they decided to go to counseling. My concern is...what if he really didn't tell her about me and he just wants me to think he did so I won't tell her? Now I have emailed her and there is not way to unsend it.
autumnbethesda Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 This may sound cruel, but it doesn't matter. The effect is still the same - the affair is over and he's not calling or trying to get in contact with you. Whether she knew before or not, she knows now. She's the one that is humiliated - she's the victim here as it was her H that had the affair. The email is sent, you move on. Let that part go and try and ask yourself - WHY you got yourself in that situation to begin with and what you can do to get through this loss and move forward with your life. He's gone; its done. That's your closure and now, try and focus on you again.
Author JMacGirl26 Posted April 22, 2011 Author Posted April 22, 2011 Thank you for your post, Autumn. I only was with this man intimately on two occasions. Yes, I was very attracted to him. I am very very picky when it comes to dating and this man was pursuing me and was very cute and it felt great to have the attention. I gave in to temptation, when I know I shouldn't have. I know I will never, ever partake in anything like this ever again in my life. I feel so ashamed. I look at my family and my niece and I feel like such a loser and failure as a sister, aunt, daughter, friend. I know I'm not the only person in the world to ever be with a married man, but I knew better and I still let the tempation suck me in. He is not contacting me, I am not contacting him, and neither of us want to be in a relationship with each other. I know he wants to be with his kids and not break up his home, if possible. What she will do, I have no idea.
Amour7 Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 JMac, Good for you for getting out so quickly. No matter what, you have minimized a lot of damage for everyone. I say this as an xOW who was involved with someone for 2 years. From what I have come to learn about serial cheaters, they are masters at lying. As I read that he said he would tell her, I thought, "I'd bet you anything he wouldn't." And I'm sure he didn't. Chances are that she got the message, and if she confronted him, he made you sound like a lunatic and reassured her nothing had happened. At least two times during my A, the BS got information that her H was having an A. The first time she was upset and confronted him, but he just denied it. Someone had seen us kissing in public and identified his vehicle to her. He somehow got her to believe it wasn't him. Another time, a colleague told her she had heard a lot of rumors from credible sources that he had been in an affair. She didn't bring this up to MM for weeks. I think on some level she must know (she's a smart lady and he was hardly ever home at night when we were together) but she could be denying anything is going on for the sake of keeping her family intact and keeping all the comforts they have in their life. She only brought it up after he had spontaneously spent a night with me without providing some excuse the night before as was his usual MO. Even then, he came up with a good enough excuse that she never said another word. You tried to do what you thought was the right thing, so try not to be hard on yourself. And my hunch is that she won't come after you. Try to turn your focus to what you can do to help yourself move on. Forgiveness of oneself is important and hard to achieve, I have found. You might find some solace in some spiritual readings, if that interests you. I gravitate towards Eastern philosophy because I believe in compassion, even though I have a hard time applying it to myself. Wishing you well. I woke up in a complete panic yesterday thinking about all the horrible scenarios that could come from those 2 encounters with him. I keep thinking his wife will come after me or want to blame me for any problems they may continue to have. After he supposedly told her about meeting me, he told me that they decided to go to counseling. My concern is...what if he really didn't tell her about me and he just wants me to think he did so I won't tell her? Now I have emailed her and there is not way to unsend it.
Karmababe Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 Similar situation ... it started as an emotional attachment that led to the end of a 26 year marriage on my part. Evidently, the marriage was over anyway as he had mental health issues he wouldn't address. I flew down to see him 3 months after I left my husband. It wasn't anything like I thought it would be. Fast forward ... he kept trying to reconnect, yet seems to avoid emotional connection when face to face. Then disappears and nothing is what he promises it will be during the courtship of the affair. This year and I'm officially divorced .. he begged me to meet him again, I put the other men in my life on hold .. the same thing happened again. He, I believe is a serial cheater and has no problem doing this to others ... I told him that I want nothing more to do with him as his view of morality, I don't share. My thoughts on the wives in these scenarios? They know and enjoy the comfort of married life, while you will always be second rate and they continue to troll for others behind your back as well. I would not contact his wife ... he claims there was a lack of physical connection when we saw eachother in person which I know is pure crap ... he is used to whores, I am not a whore. I have totally disconnected him from my life as this was the final straw, and I know I deserve better and so do you. Peace, hugs and forgive yourself for being duped - these guys can be VERY smooth, talk the talk. And, PS they will try again .... don't buy it.
Author JMacGirl26 Posted April 22, 2011 Author Posted April 22, 2011 Amour, your post is incredible, thank you for taking the time to respond to me. Like you, when he told me he went home and confessed to her, at first I thought "holy crap," but then after some thought, I realized "he's full of it." I think he knows that I feel she should know the truth and in order to appease me, he wants me to believe he told her everything so that will get me off his back about coming clean to her. Well, I sent her an email and if he didn't tell her, then she will read my email and find out anyway. I wonder also if he will completely deny it? But, my email did contain information on how and where I met him, so she has to know that I at least know who he is. He works for a non-profit organization and I met him at one of their fundraising events, which I mentioned in my email. Part of me wishes I could delete that email so badly. But I am genuinely sorry and at the time felt it was the right thing to do. I am so ashamed that I let that temptation take over me. I feel like the Devil won, instead of good winning over evil.
Author JMacGirl26 Posted April 22, 2011 Author Posted April 22, 2011 Karma, I am so happy to hear that you have realized your worth and that you have your self esteem intact. Those are two things that I think alot of us women struggle with. For me, it had been a long time since a man that I was ALSO attracted to had paid me any attention. I don't date at all and just don't meet men who I find to be my "type." And married men ceertainly are NOT my type. I let myself fall for his good looks and his niceness. He didn't try to pressure me into an affair. On the contrary, we spent time talking in person about what it would mean to be intimate and he said how unfair it would be for me to get involved w/him because he would never want to hurt me or his wife and that after spending time talking to me, he realizes I'm a "real person" and not just some woman who can sleep with him and not care. One two occastions I actually backed out of the idea of intimacy with him and told him I couldn't do it. He said he understood and he hoped we could remain friends. Then we would flirt in emails again and ended up getting together at my house twice. I know he is a serial cheater....he's even slept with a co-worker. I wish he would have never told me his secrets.
Karmababe Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 JMac ... she knows anyway ... don't beat yourself up over it. You need to be concerned with yourself right now. If she contacts you, do not respond.
Author JMacGirl26 Posted April 22, 2011 Author Posted April 22, 2011 I'm going to block her on FB so she can't respond to me. I can't emotionally handle being yelled at by her, especially when her husband is the one lying to her. Thanks so much for your support
Karmababe Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 This happened to me last week ... I'm ashamed that I fell for it again too .. you are vulnerable and they prey on that. I made an appointment with my GYN when I got home and got tested this week ... I told him in the final goodbye, if the news was bad, he'd hear from me, if not kiss off.
Author JMacGirl26 Posted April 22, 2011 Author Posted April 22, 2011 I pray you are ok, healthwise. That is another thing that scares me too. And the fact that this guy wanted to have an affair with me, yet was still having sex with is wife, because he admitted to me he was. And he is so sick, he told me that even if I was in a relationship, he would still want to sleep with me. He has a screw loose!
BB07 Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 I'm going to block her on FB so she can't respond to me. I can't emotionally handle being yelled at by her, especially when her husband is the one lying to her. Thanks so much for your support UH? You sent her that email and now you want to block her??? You are regretful and remorseful and you felt bad enough that you wanted to send her an email, but now you want to block her when she hasn't even contacted you?? To block her now........is cowardly and twisted, imo. That absolutely makes no sense at all and sorry to be harsh but since you sent her the email, then you should be big enough to answer her questions if she asks them.
Karmababe Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 Best thing is to completely disappear ... no contact at all. Believe me, he will try again when you're doing well .. they seem to have a 6th sense for that. Block him and her from facebook, heal yourself and realize you made a mistake like all humans do. When you're tempted to spy ... talk to yourself and remember how you feel today. Do you really want to know what he is doing and spend your energy on that?
Breezy Trousers Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 Welcome, JMacGirl! I'm glad you're out of that situation, and I understand your fear. I recently read about a mantra a celebrity likes to repeat to herself, "If it isn't happening now, it isn't happening." She said it helped her remember not to make problems where none exist -- that most of her fears never materialized. Don't assume the BS is mad at you. I've been a BS. I never blamed the OW for having a relationship with my husband. He made the vows to me, not OW. Did I resent OW? Hell, yes. lol. But never blamed or sought retaliation. I focused my anger on my husband and, yes, we got into counseling. I think your remorse is a good sign, actually. Use this as an opportunity to learn something about yourself, not as an opportunity to feel badly. If you have a hard time forgiving yourself, please consider exploring the work of Byron Katie. She's best on CD, IMO. That will help release the guilt. I also recommend learning about narcissistic personality disorders (NPD) -- Melanie Tonia Evans has some free podcasts on the topics. Learning about NPD helped me when I was tempted to become an OW. I don't know your history, so forgive me for saying this if it doesn't apply, but some people who were raised in emotionally abusive homes (alcoholism or personality-disordered parent) are unconsciously drawn to relationships with unavailable, even abusive people as adults. Also, people who score extremely high in empathy/loyalty/kindness (compared to the average population) are known to be deliberately targeted by "predators" (for lack of a better word). So it might be worth exploring these issues further. I do believe that once you cross any line, it's sometimes easier to cross it again --- unless you've gained awareness. (However, the fact that you pulled out so quickly is really a good sign.) I hope you keep coming back to this forum, too.
Karmababe Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 Bite the bullet and go get yourself checked .. I'm guessing I have good news as my GYN said they would call me today if anything is awry. Hard to do, and very stressful but you take care of yourself at this point, and who knows who yours or mine have slept with.
Karmababe Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 Did a bit of reading today on NPD ... it really fits. The continual need for the ego stroke at the expense of others. The wife, the mistress ... they simply have issues.
BB07 Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 JMac ... she knows anyway ... don't beat yourself up over it. You need to be concerned with yourself right now. If she contacts you, do not respond. YOU have NO idea if she knows or not and furthermore as I stated in my other post to the OP, to block her after she sent that email is cowardly and just plain wrong. If she didn't want the BS involved or to know then she shouldn't have sent he email in the first place but she did it, so now she ought to OWN it and act with dignity and respect to the BS. That is the least she can do. The OP opened the door and it just isn't right that she should slam it shut now.
Author JMacGirl26 Posted April 22, 2011 Author Posted April 22, 2011 Breezy, I love this paragraph you wrote... I don't know your history, so forgive me for saying this if it doesn't apply, but some people who were raised in emotionally abusive homes (alcoholism or personality-disordered parent) are unconsciously drawn to relationships with unavailable, even abusive people as adults. Also, people who score extremely high in empathy/loyalty/kindness (compared to the average population) are known to be deliberately targeted by "predators" (for lack of a better word). So it might be worth exploring these issues further. I do believe that once you cross any line, it's sometimes easier to cross it again --- unless you've gained awareness. (However, the fact that you pulled out so quickly is really a good sign.) I did not come from an abusive or broken home, but my parents fought all the time in their marriage. I grew up thinking fighting was actually normal behavior for people who loved each other. When I dated my boyfriend in college and saw what great friends his parents were to each other, I was very confused, as weird as that sounds. It made me realize that you aren't supposed to hate your spouse!
Author JMacGirl26 Posted April 22, 2011 Author Posted April 22, 2011 I also love the fact you pointed out that people who score high on kindness/loyalty/empathy tend to be a target...that rings so true for me. I feel at times that somehow without even trying, these men find me! I wasn't even looking for anyone the day I met this MM and after meeting him and emailing he actually had the nerve to say I was sending out a "vibe" that day. I told him he was crazy! He insisted that there was some "vibe" I was throwing out at him that day with is complete b.s. because I barely spoke with him during the whole event.
Karmababe Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 You simply learn, and I am very altruistic ... that there are bad people who will prey on you simply because you are a good person, listen well, care and love well .. don't be jaded, just learn your true merit.
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