An Extremely Aggressive MM

[smoochie]

Hi Everyone,

 

Not exactly sure where this post belongs in these threads so let me know if I am in the wrong place, please.

 

I met a man a few months ago and he was really sweet. Seemed like an honorable man with love for his family (wife and three kids). I didn't know he was interested in me.

 

Since we began talking, he has tried every which way to get me to agree to be with him. He "talks" like he is single and wants to be in a committed relationship with me but he is married. I am at a loss because I think this is crazy. It has to be just for sex but I live miles away, like opposite sides of the country (Texas and Vermont).

 

My confusion is, he's married. How can you talk about being with another woman when you are clearly committed to where you are? We never discuss his wife. He only alluded to not being on the same page with her. And they all say that. Doesn't matter to me because I don't want him but I have to admit the attention is nice.

 

So married men, why actively pursue a woman when you have one and/or can get sex from women closer to you? Why say you are in love with another woman you can't see often or know well for that matter? I guess I am trying to see how serious he can be, knowing this isn't something I want to deal with. Really just curious I guess.

[BB07]

Is this the same guy you posted about back in January with the thread title "seeing an ex after 6 years".

 

If so......and it does sound like it since you talked about flying a distance to see him, then you are already in an affair with this mm, so I don't think it's quite on the up and up to try to fool the posters at LS with a story about a mm who in this thread you are trying to pretend to be naive or incredibly stupid about what his intentions are. Also it's not like you are 18 years old and no r/l experience either so I'm assuming your post is a round about way of trying to get info on what YOUR mm's motivations are while trying to play innocent as to your involvement in a affair, am I correct?

 

As for advice, I will offer this, you need to think more about your own motivations that what his are. You will face a lot less heartache and pain if you extract yourself now from the drama.

[Owl]

Suggestion...don't try to make sense of the nonsensical.

 

Don't waste your time trying to understand his reasoning...there's no value in it.

 

Instead...enforce your own boundaries with him, tell him very clearly and openly that you aren't interested (assuming you're not, of course), and put a stop to his endeavors towards you at least.

 

You're a lot better off doing that than trying to get where he's coming from.

[smoochie]

Is this the same guy you posted about back in January with the thread title "seeing an ex after 6 years".

 

If so......and it does sound like it since you talked about flying a distance to see him, then you are already in an affair with this mm, so I don't think it's quite on the up and up to try to fool the posters at LS with a story about a mm who in this thread you are trying to pretend to be naive or incredibly stupid about what his intentions are. Also it's not like you are 18 years old and no r/l experience either so I'm assuming your post is a round about way of trying to get info on what YOUR mm's motivations are while trying to play innocent as to your involvement in a affair, am I correct?

 

As for advice, I will offer this, you need to think more about your own motivations that what his are. You will face a lot less heartache and pain if you extract yourself now from the drama.

 

 

Oh no, completely different guy. And why so mean? Just because I was in a previous relationship doesn't mean EVERY post is about him or trying to trick anyone. That's a really paranoid position to take with posters.......

 

And no one is playing anything, just curious. Dude, calm down.

[smoochie]

Suggestion...don't try to make sense of the nonsensical.

 

Don't waste your time trying to understand his reasoning...there's no value in it.

 

Instead...enforce your own boundaries with him, tell him very clearly and openly that you aren't interested (assuming you're not, of course), and put a stop to his endeavors towards you at least.

 

You're a lot better off doing that than trying to get where he's coming from.

 

That's good advice, and you're right. Thanks.

[whichwayisup]

I met a man a few months ago and he was really sweet. Seemed like an honorable man with love for his family (wife and three kids). I didn't know he was interested in me.

 

You say you're not interested, but the attention is nice. The thing is, you're having an emotional affair. You don't know it yet or maybe it doesn't feel like it, but sooner or later you'll become used to him, being your daily ego feed and relying on him to make you feel special and good.

 

He's married. You're not. the bottomline is, why waste energy on someone who is married and far away from you? Find a guy in your own City, a single guy who can shower you with lots of love and attention!

 

I hope you back off of the MM. It will only lead to trouble and mess you up.

[BB07]

Oh no, completely different guy. And why so mean? Just because I was in a previous relationship doesn't mean EVERY post is about him or trying to trick anyone. That's a really paranoid position to take with posters.......

 

And no one is playing anything, just curious. Dude, calm down.

 

I'm not a dude and certainly not paranoid........but I do know what bs smells like.........just sayin'

[Woman In Blue]

When you say you "met" this guy a few months ago, do you mean physically, face to face? Was it through work at a trade show or convention of some sort? Or was it online in a chatroom or through some social network and you've never met face to face?

 

In either event, you're in one state and he's in another, far away. He's enjoying the chase and the anticipated 'conquering' of his prey that eventually follows the pursuit. That is, he's enjoying it when it's CONVENIENT for him (i.e., while wifey is doing the dinner dishes, reading to the kids, or in the shower). Quite honestly, he's just another one of the millions and millions of 'bored and lonely married men' that women deal with everywhere they go now. They're a dime a dozen - you can't swing a dead cat around by the tail without hitting a least a thousand of these self-entitled morons.

 

Don't be too flattered that he's 'picked' YOU as his target. I've been 'chosen' (through NO fault of my own) many times by these selfish a*ssholes - however, I won't give them the time of DAY because I have way too much self-respect to allow myself to be the nightly chat entertainment for some bored married jerkoff. You'll find the "attention" from him - when he's not minimizing the chatbox and IGNORING YOU because his wife came into the room to ask him about painting the den - pretty hollow and unsatisfying after a while.

 

When he sees he's getting absolutely nowhere with you, the thrill of the chase will wear off and he'll just pursue another woman to get his cheap online thrills - but the next one may be just stupid enough to agree to waste her time on him.

 

I hope you have better sense.

[Baroness67]

No kidding. I also see this from a mile away.

 

I know it's fattening but it's in front of me. There's a possibility I won't gain weight. I can conceive of other people who have eaten the same thing who look OK. I'm bored. It's a Thursday. This seems like fun. What do you all think it would taste like if I ordered it? I really want it. I think I'm going to order it anyway.

 

He's told you he has a wife and 3 kids. You really want to turn this corner and become that person? Hopefully this post has been your pause before acting, not Monday-morning-quarterbacking. I fear it might be the latter but I hope it might be the former, as you are still identifying the kids by a more exact number and not "a few" ... or starting to denigrate his wife and how she doesn't do it for him so you are justified in swooping in because a guy deserves to be happy.

 

Gah. Please don't. Do this to them, or to your own life timeline. Our years are limited. You really want this voodoo on what you have done with your life?

[smoochie]

To put it all out there, we met in person. My ex bf and I had an extreme hard argument and his attention really helped me get over that think quicker than I would have. I still love my ex and hopefully that will work itself out.

 

MM is a good dude. I do not believe one flaw defines ones personality. I think he is committed to the marriage but clearly not committed to this wife. There are a ton of people who operate in the marriage but could insert hubby/wife with anyone and still pay the bills, go the the in-laws, etc. Whatever his reasoning for screwing around on her is his business. Maybe dangerous on my part to talk to him but I like him as a friend honestly have no intentions on taking this thing any further.

 

I have been a cheated on partner, have done the cheating, and all things in between. And the one thing I have learned from both sides is people are going to do what they want to do. It has absolutely nothing to do with the other person. It hurts when you get cheated on, doesn't mean he/she doesn't love you, he's being greedy. (Well I take that back, women normally cheat when we are getting needs met at the home, men cheat for greed) Selfish or whatever you call it, the world does not stop turning. We all eventually move on. You reap what you sow in this life so screwing married folks will definitely have a negative affect on your life. However, it is no reflection on you (if you are the one cheated on). They just wanted something different, at that time.

 

This started off about me and ended with just some thoughts on relationships....

[Breezy Trousers]

I understand your confusion only too well.

 

The powerful, extremely aggressive & charismatic MM who began hitting on me at work in late 2008 was "Man of the Year" in our community --- pictures of his family all over his office, high up in his church, high up in his profession. He's seen to be a jovial family and church man. So when he began approaching me, I felt as confused as you. And, like you, I couldn't figure out why this guy was so interested in me.

 

Fortunately, despite the strong unhealthy pull I felt in that situation, I managed to stay away because I'm married to a great guy.

 

I've since come to the conclusion -- after this man treated me in abusive, confusing ways when I made it clear I wasn't interested -- that this guy suffers from narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Incidentally, as if I needed any further evidence he was disordered, this guy quickly targeted another woman at our workplace who, like me, is a people pleaser and rather compliant (i.e, easier to control) ..... Unlike me, she bit the hook.

 

These guys are often well liked and it's not unusual for them to be successful. Problem is, guys with NPD lack empathy and are constantly seeking "narcissistic supply." They are addicted to attention the way junkies are addicted to crack. The wife is a source of "secondary supply." The OW is a source of "primary supply." They keep the spouse as back-up supply in case their primary sources of supply (usually affairs) fall through -- a/k/a serial cheating. These guys are incapable of a true union. That's why they have no problem lying and cheating to the "loved" ones. They aren't really attached to begin with because NPD is an attachment disorder.... The problem is that the BS/OW is often attaching, not realizing that, despite the initial charm & passionate intensity, the MM isn't sharing the same experience.

 

Which leads to the saying: "How they treat the last one is always how they'll end up treating you." Because they don't attach -- they are only seeking attention -- they can quickly move on from one person to another without a second thought. Again, lack of empathy is NPD's primary characteristic.

 

So it did help me to spend time trying to figure this guy out. Reading about narcissistic personality disorder (Melanie Tonia Evans, Sandra Brown and Lisa Scott have great websites), as well the other man/other woman forum here, helped me see things clearly and enabled me to detach. Now the focus is different. I'm focusing on certain aspects of my personality and, yes, even in childhood, that made me vulnerable to this situation.

Edited April 24, 2011 by Breezy Trousers

[Bigsmoke]

You sound very confused about a relatively simple deal. "Good dude"? "Committed to the marriage but not his wife"? WTF are you talking about? This is jibberish.

Edited April 24, 2011 by Bigsmoke