kaldo Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 11'th day going NC... you know how it is. Some days good, some days not-so-good. Watched a movie with a friend tonight about a couple trying to get pregnant, and how 'fun' it was... Doesn't help that the woman who ended it with me was the woman I pictured as the mother of my future children. I'm trying to think of her less an less... it's just hard. She's already moved on with another guy (within 11 days of the breakup... I have major suspicious it overlapped our relationship). And when I think about it, in many ways I know she wasn't right for me... but she did tick a lot of boxes, especially in the physical aspect, plus a fair amount of her adventurous personality. Hoping to make it 30 days without sending a little email, or doing anything that might be seen as reaching out to her. She already messaged me once, about a wedding she was going to come to with me of all things... I told her she'd missed it by a week, and she was pretty devo... which is absolutely stunning, considering 10 days prior to the wedding (when she was still in lock-down 'i'm not talking to you go away' mode), she told me that she wasn't coming to the wedding. What gives huh? Anyway, still trucking. Just thought I'd reach out since you all seem to have each others backs around here. Any tips on keeping my mind off her? I keep myself busy as much as I can, but there's only so much you can do to distract yourself... I work in an office behind a desk: plenty of time to think. I drive around a lot: plenty of time to think. I have a hard time getting to sleep most nights: plenty of time to think. You get my point I'm a perfectionist too.. so I over-analyze what went wrong over and over again, or ways I could fix it, etc etc. Borderline OCD it feels like at times. Anyway, thanks for letting me rant. And thanks even more for any possible follow-up responses.
smudge21 Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 Wow, your life is almost exactly like mine. I really can't add anything to your story without it sounding like I'm just repeating what you've wrote. I hate that feeling of wanting to make contact or find out what the ex is doing. But I force myself to stay strong by remembering that anything I find will only hurt me. It has in the past. After a month of NC I can feel those memories, although still there, no longer hurting just as much. I still have good and bad days, but I know that eventually the good will replace the bad. Don't worry about ranting either - I love to do that and feel that this place allows me to. Stay strong.
Author kaldo Posted April 28, 2011 Author Posted April 28, 2011 Hey smudge, thanks for hollering back Still going strong, 16th day and doing ok. We actually broke up on March the 6th, but you know how it goes... fine one week, then a week of blatant stupidity, then minor contact... finally, NC. I actually had the best weekend I've had in a long, LONG time this past easter. Didn't start out that way but quickly ramped up into awesome. Basically got to spend time hanging out with some really nice people (mostly girls) who were sweet and genuine and reminded me how much of a sweet, fun and genuine guy I can be when I'm not being brought down by months of negativity from someone (guess who?). Funnily enough, I ran into the ex at a bar on sunday night. She actually came up to me with a girlfriend of hers while I was sitting down next to 3 lovely ladies, who I met through dance classes I took up since the breakup. She wanted to know who they were basically Which was funny. Had a brief chat then told her she'd better take her friend to the dancefloor, she's starting to look bored. After that, the girls I was with were really awesome about it... they couldn't even believe that it was my recent ex that had come up- they said I was so chilled and calm about it all that it must of been an ex from ages ago. Spose that's a good thing, yeah? Anyway, I'm not counting that as breaking NC since it really was unavoidable by me, and I certainly haven't made any follow-up attempt at contact after that. So still *winning*, as Charlie Sheen would put it. Now I just miss the company a little- but that not limited to her anymore.
smudge21 Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 You did well at the bar mate, nice one. I think showing the ex you're moving on and happy is the best way, whether you hate their guts or want them back - it sends out a positive message and reminds them of who you were when they first met you. It can make them angry, jealous or even love you again. I'm surprised after that little catch up that she hasn't made any further efforts to get in touch... I bet you were all she talked about that night!
ilovedhim Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 Kaldo, way to handle yourself. From.your post you sounded calm, cool collected and I bet real sexy! I'm going to pull energy from your update ... winner
Blueberry7691 Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 Hi! Congrats on your 11th day of NC!! Good for you! I'm 4 months post-breakup (I'm the dumper but not because I wanted to) and I suck at NC! I keep breaking it. I'm hoping to start over starting now and would love to do NC with you. Everyone here is really great and you'll get a lot of support. I loved what you posted. I too, work behind a desk and understand the time to think,think,think. I 'think' that's my downfall with breaking NC. When I'm extremely busy, I don't have time to think!! Your ex sounds... flaky?? Not sure. Keep up the NC and post away!!!
Blueberry7691 Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 Oops! I missed your recent post!! 16 days is great!! And I love how you reacted at the bar. GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!
Author kaldo Posted April 29, 2011 Author Posted April 29, 2011 Hey guys Thanks for the support! Please, keep me updated with how you're all going with your own journeys. In one way, it's kind of a cheesy alcoholics-anonymous type group we've got going here... but at the same time, it really, really helps. Knowing your not alone and that it does indeed get better makes a big difference... especially when you get to the point where you let yourself take in some of the advice/learning others have done and been through. Smudge21: I'm surprised/not surprised I didn't hear from her. On one hand, it must have gotten to her a little bit, else she probably wouldn't of asked after the girls. On the other: she's as stubborn as any girl I've ever met. Combine that with the fact that she has a new partner (and doesn't think I know) and I can see how it'd be somewhat easy for her to keep herself distracted enough not to try and reach out to me Not to worry tho. I didn't go out that night with the goal of having her find me; her spotting me sitting with 3 lovely ladies and moving on with my life was just an added bonus! ilovedhim: Keep trucking girl! I would have felt a little sexier if I'd been wearing a better shirt, lol. I've put in a tonne of time at the gym, but for some reason opted for an old baggy white one at the time. Still, I wasn't bitter or anything towards her and certainly didn't put my foot in it! So life goes on. As long as I / You keep thinking positively and trying to move forward in your life (in any area, no matter how small!) then you're just going to keep evolving and becoming a better person. Blueberry7691: You're more than welcome to join me in my NC adventure :-) I'll try to post an update at least once a week and we'll track each others progress. Just try to keep in mind: you're never going to move forward if you keep looking back! And yep, the ex was definitely a flaky one. Many of her past actions showed me that... but still, it's hard to detach yourself from someone to see those sorts of things when you're with them- or too see them and do much about them At least now I can spot the flaky signs a little sooner and steer clear of that iceberg when it nears the ship! Headed out the office now and into the auzzie weekend- all the best guys and look forward to hearing from you all (and anyone else out there) soon!
smudge21 Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 She's stubborn and has a new partner - you been dating my ex? I bet any money though that she was thinking about you that night, and may still be even now. It's often the case with dumpers that they don't want their ex's, but they also don't want their ex's to date anyone else. She's seen you having fun with other women and has no idea what is going on. That's gotta' be eating away at her...
Author kaldo Posted May 2, 2011 Author Posted May 2, 2011 Hey smudge, how's it going your end? Had a decent weekend, but definitely had some tough moments. So hard to not try to contact sometimes and just force some sort of closure out of her. Just by telling her that I _know_ she has a new boyfriend, or that I know she was in contact with him (and possibly more) before we broke up, would probably be enough to rouse some sort of response from her. But there's no point.... I need to make my own closure. Cos no matter what she says, it's not going to help me in the long run. Trying not to think of her with her new man too. I've been pretty successful so far, though every now and then I think of her and I intimately... and then I realise that she's sharing that intimacy with someone else, and then the images of me morph into some unknown dude, and... yeah... not fun So I try to keep that to a minimal, haha. Anyway, it's 21 days of NC and counting now... so I need to at least congratulate myself at that. This month of may is also Self-Improvement month for me to the max. Working on getting my skills up for a new on-the-side occupation which I hope will one day bring in enough income supplement my full-time job. So I'm just going to focus on that stuff as much as I can. I'm pretty sure I'm getting better... it's just when you have those bad days, or long moments, that you feel like you're going backwards or something. But I guess as long as I don't break contact and survive to the next day, I'm always making progress... right?
happiness0421 Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 Kaldo - Just read your posts, and a big HOORAY to you. You are kicking *ss with the NC! And your recent run-in with the ex seems to have gone down very respectively from your end. Kudos to you! I'm going strong on 2 weeks NC with a guy that broke up with me via text and keeps crawling back every 1-2 days - finally had to block his # today. It really sucks, and it's like you said, some days are definitely better than others. I am in the office by myself today, so it is hard to focus on anything else. Glad I have this forum to keep me distracted. Looking forward to being in your boat in a week or so - 21 days NC, that is so great. And you really do seem to be improving yourself over this past month. Everyone here should take a lesson from you! Keep up the great work!
smudge21 Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 Just like you I still think about her a lot but each time I do it gets easier and more acceptable. Just like when someone in your life passes away, you hurt for so long but eventually you accept they're gone - you still remember them, but in doing so it no longer hurts.
Author kaldo Posted May 5, 2011 Author Posted May 5, 2011 Hey Happiness, cheers for the response And good luck with your own mission! I think you're doing the absolute right thing. Anyone who breaks up with someone via text then goes wishy washy from there, really doesn't deserve your time and attention. Keep plugging away and keep me posted on the NC And hey smudge21, good to hear from you again mate. Been having a bit of a hard time these last couple of days... still resisting contact, but still. At this very second though, I'm actually feeling kinda pissed off Just annoyed that I can't stop thinking about bits and pieces to do with her. At the end of the day, she broke it off so she could fool around with someone else. And she made the last few months of our relationship extremely stressful. AND she put in very minimal effort compared to what I was putting out there. Sure we had problems, but she was a little too self-absorbed to work them out properly. Anyway, I think I'll hold on to this semi angry/annoyed feeling for a while. It'll stop me looking back at all her 'halo' moments and remember the 'devil horns' instead Wish we could all just switch off when we move on. I just want to be over her and done with it! At the end of the day, her looks outweighed her personality and character. But it's hard to walk away from someone like that when you look into their beautiful faces. You see their exterior as 'perfect' or adorable or as close to the perfect partner as you could imagine... but if I'd been able to swap out her body with someone else and keep the same personality, I really would have walked away a long time before. Anyways... just feeling a little cynical at the mo Don't let it discourage any of you!
IFDDS Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 Hey man, You seem to be doing really well with this all, gratz:cool: How do you deal with the over-analyzing? I'm a bit over-analytic too and I seem to all the time want to go back and analyze over and over again. On the other side, my case prolly isn't as serious as yours, just a high-school fling but it's causing me way too much headache, gotta laugh at myself sometimes:D same with the looks part here. Cheers anyhow;)
Author kaldo Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 Hey IFDDS, I don't think there's any quick-fire sure resolution to the over-analyzing overall I'm afraid At the end of the day, you kind of need to step back and trust that overall, you did what was right at the time. Even when I look back and spot areas where I thought I let us down as a 'couple' a bit, I realise that many times it was her bad attitude, negative actions or behaviour that led to me, in a way, 'reflecting' it back at her. If she was always kind, patient and understanding with me - there'd be no way I'd not want to spend more time with her, or be more patient and understanding with her too. So just try not to over think it too much. Learn what you can, and what would benefit you in the future, but don't go thinking you need to change yourself entirely just so you 'won't lose the next one!' because at the end of the day, you are who you are. And there's going to be someone out there who fits in perfectly with that. She obviously wasn't, or you (and me) would still be with our ex's. Right? It's just harder right now because I know she's successfully distracting herself with someone else. I have to do it the hard way. But goddamn it if I won't let it make me become a better, stronger - but not bitter - person in the process
IFDDS Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Hey, Yeah I bet there isn't any quick fix to the over-analyzing, it's just who we are. Nothing you can do about that. I can relate to that reflecting part too, it's like she came with the bad attitude and you try to be the mature one, but her behaviour triggers a chain reaction and somehow it comes crashing down at the end? And ofc you are the one to be blamed about it all? This is how I atleast feel. She ain't rebounding? If she is, atleast you are coping in the right way:cool:
Author kaldo Posted May 8, 2011 Author Posted May 8, 2011 28 days later... Just like the movie. Fortunately there's many more women left in the world then the bleak options that main character had at the time How are the rest of you all going? I've had an up and down weekend that's for sure. Still so many reminders of her. And still have a hard time completely seeing my future without her. But I re-check over little notes I've written for myself on my phone and they get me through. If it helps any of you, one of them goes like this: "Remember: forgive her, but more importantly; forgive yourself. You did what you felt you needed to at the time. Now it's time to move on my friend. She's not sitting there figuring out ways to get YOU back. She's enjoying time with her new man. She's thinking about him. She's thinking about her career. She's thinking about her friends, her family. And she's thinking about her future: houses, money, retirement. It's time you caught up to speed. Focus on yourself 100%. when the time is right, the next person will come; and you'll be ready. Whether that's a newer, older version of her some time from now, or just a better, funnier, kinder, sexier girl altogether. Get your **** together, so no matter who it is you'll be ready to enjoy the relationship 100%. right now, you're not 100% about your OWN life. Get there first. That means achieving the goals you've set for yourself. Nothing else takes priority!" That, and others like it help me get through when I feel like I'm running up against a wall. Obviously, some are a lot less flattering about her I.e. Dodgy stuff she did, how she made me feel, etc etc. But I try to focus on me more than her, unless my mind is making me see that fake halo over her head that we all like to put on memories of our exes no matter how bad they may have treated us. Good luck guys and keep trucking.
Livin Lrge Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 28 days later... Just like the movie. Fortunately there's many more women left in the world then the bleak options that main character had at the time How are the rest of you all going? I've had an up and down weekend that's for sure. Still so many reminders of her. And still have a hard time completely seeing my future without her. But I re-check over little notes I've written for myself on my phone and they get me through. If it helps any of you, one of them goes like this: "Remember: forgive her, but more importantly; forgive yourself. You did what you felt you needed to at the time. Now it's time to move on my friend. She's not sitting there figuring out ways to get YOU back. She's enjoying time with her new man. She's thinking about him. She's thinking about her career. She's thinking about her friends, her family. And she's thinking about her future: houses, money, retirement. It's time you caught up to speed. Focus on yourself 100%. when the time is right, the next person will come; and you'll be ready. Whether that's a newer, older version of her some time from now, or just a better, funnier, kinder, sexier girl altogether. Get your **** together, so no matter who it is you'll be ready to enjoy the relationship 100%. right now, you're not 100% about your OWN life. Get there first. That means achieving the goals you've set for yourself. Nothing else takes priority!" That, and others like it help me get through when I feel like I'm running up against a wall. Obviously, some are a lot less flattering about her I.e. Dodgy stuff she did, how she made me feel, etc etc. But I try to focus on me more than her, unless my mind is making me see that fake halo over her head that we all like to put on memories of our exes no matter how bad they may have treated us. Good luck guys and keep trucking. Kaldo Are you an Aussie, Anyway Good to hear your on your way, my story is kinda like yours but I've been back and forth with the ex about four times in six months and I can tell you from experience, don't ever let them sucker you in with just words and sex, make sure if you ever get back with ex's they prove to you by actions that they want to restart what was lost and make sure they put twice the effort in, don't settle for anything less. Happy days LL
Author kaldo Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 Yeah LL, I'm an Aussie Still haven't heard from my ex, but again... I think it's because she got back with the ex she was with before me, and would feel pretty shamed talking to me about it. Sometimes I think to myself 'I miss her'... but at the end of the day, I miss a version of her that doesn't really exist anymore... maybe it never really did outside my own head.
Author kaldo Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 Really, really tempted to message her today. Goddamn it. Accidently came across some of her old emails on my work computer while looking for something else... So got to see all those wonderful 'i love u's' and 'xxxx' etc... As it stands now, I still haven't heard a peep from her. I mean how the hell can someone be so cruel? Even if you were trying to be 'cruel to be kind' as she once described it, you could just trying being F@$#ING KIND instead, lol. I know I know, it wouldn't matter. I mean, what could she say? "Hey Kaldo, sorry I haven't been in touch... i just really wanted to move on with my life and now that you're not a part of it, I just haven't seen the point in maintaining anything. I've got a new man now and to be honest.... I'm really happy with him. Happier than I've been in a very long time. But anyway... just wanted to call and check in to let you know that and see how you were going..." Lol. I mean, in all likelyhood, THAT is what she's sparing me from right now. So I guess she really is being... kind to be kind. I'm just taking it badly because she's not doing what i'd like her to do. i.e. "Kaldo I feel really ****. Lives been ok but if I'm being really honest with yourself, I haven't been happy since we were together. I miss you so much sometimes it hurts... and I want to tell you all about my day or new things that happen but I've just been too scared to. I don't really know where to go from here but wherever it is, I want it to be with you. Can you please just call me sometime or let me come over and we'll try to talk over some things?" ...sigh. Let's face it, the above is the fantasy we all have in our heads when we can't let go of out ex. We hold out thinking it might happen, or if we contact them, maybe we can nudge them in that direction or just remind them a LITTLE of the good times and benefits that came with being with us. But at the end of the day.... they already know, don't they? They know the good and the bad, and they've weighed it up already. Many, many times - usually in the days, weeks and months BEFORE they've even broken up with us. So while they are slowly easing themselves mentally out of the relationship - with our love and affection to support them through it - we have to deal with it with the same impact you get when you're falling in a dream and blam, you wake up just as you hit the ground. You look around and are like, "what the? phew.. holy crap, that was just a dream!".. except when you get dumped and your partner goes cold turkey on you, it's brutal. It's like waking up from that fall, realising 'phew, it's ok it was just a dream' and THEN realising 'uh oh... where is everyone and why am I locked in a prison cell? oh sh*t...." I hate myself for feeling this way. Sooooo much. I want to be able to move on... And I used to be such a strong person mentally. Seriously, you couldn't break me. But she did... one crack at a time, she wore me down. Then when I was finally shattered, she left. Or perhaps I wasn't quite shattered, but it was her leaving that was the nail in that coffin. I don't know. I'm trying to find happiness in myself guys. I really am. It's just really, REALLY hard.
giuliano-3 Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 kaldo, you're going through the jungle right now. Mine actually called and kind of told me those exact things you said you wanted to hear. It didn't end up feeling all that great, though. Knowing she knows she made a mistake is all fine and dandy, but it doesn't erase the hurt and pain caused by the act. Not even close. The only thing which does that is time. And working on yourself. I'm close, but it still bothers me from time to time. NC is working wonders, though, and has helped me understand what I need to do with my life. To make me a better future boyfriend. Her telling me that she wasn't happy and that her new guy is a prick really didn't help either. Her telling me how wonderful I was to her, how she hopes I'm able to move on with a great girl despite it making her jealous - all those things don't mean a thing. Its down to you. Only you can make that happen. Believe it or not, you're on the right track. Those feelings you describe are the same as I and many others on here have gone through. Keep on keepin on. Just because you relive what happened and doubt yourself for what "could have been" doesn't mean you have OCD or anything of the sort. It makes you normal. You'll be alright, mate - slap on a pair of budgie smugglers, throw some shrimp on the barbie and drink some Fosters (sorry, can't resist having some fun as an American who knows Aussies all too well).
Author kaldo Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 35 days NC..... not out of the jungle, but definitely over the hill. I think what's hardest is lonely nights where you just want to cuddle (and no, filling them up with strangers - even nice ones - isn't the same) and the fact that she LOOKED like my dream girl. If I ever had to sit there and draw the perfect girl, down to her eyes/hair/legs/butt (hehe) etc, she'd of been it - well, pretty damn close. Closer than any I've been with before, put it that way. So when I meet other girls sometimes, it's hard not to compare. I might find one with a great personality and great body, but not a great face. That's usually the case... And while the first two can carry a lot, you can't give up on everything you desire in another person in order not to be 'shallow' or whatever. At the end of the day, we're entitled to be attracted to certain looks... Anyway, rambling again. Just want to let y'all know that I haven't cracked yet. Unfortunately I'm going to a course later this month that I know there's a 90% chance she'll be there. I can't get out of it as the course itself is an unbelievable opportunity for me. So I'll just have to suck that one up. Outside of that, it's a milestone birthday for her next month... I am tempted to send a basic card and nothing else, but I don't know... any other birthday I wouldn't, but this one is pretty special. I'll have to think about it.
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