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No Contact Question for Experts

LoveQuestions

By LoveQuestions
in Second Chances

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LoveQuestions New Member

LoveQuestions

Posted
Posted

Dear Love Gurus:

 

Synopsis

 

She dumps me. I go no contact - 30 day plan. Plan seems to work, she calls a lot in first 2 weeks. I ignore the calls in accordance with plan. She gets pissed at me. Now she won't call at all. I'm at the end of the 3rd week. How do I get her back?

 

Background

 

I dated a girl (first love) and was a great boyfriend. If she called in the middle of the night upset, I would leave and be right there for her many times.

 

Then she abused my trust (think cheating) and I ended things.

 

She was crushed, and after a few months we got back together. We worked through our issues, but then during one of her stressful depressions she dumped me out of the blue.

 

She still called on me for emotional support, and of course, I was right there, but she made it clear that I was just a friend. I wised up and told her I need space, and I'll be in touch when I'm ready.

 

She would send IMs, chats, texts, and a few calls. After a week and a half of no contact, she broke down and called saying she missed me, and wanted to talk. I ignored her calls. I wanted to respond, but all my friends told me I was still too emotional, so I took their advice. Figured this is what LoveShack would call "bread crumbs."

 

Anyway, I am worried that No Contact basically worked too well. After I ignored my ex's calls she flipped. She said I was hurting her in a message. She blocked me from all types of social media. And walked past me when she ran into me the other day. It's now been a week and I haven't heard from her. I've been on this "No Contact Rehabilitation Plan" for 21 days now, and I think I legit pushed her away. Ooops.

 

Question

 

What is my best plan to get her back? Should I call her, because I know she misses me? Or should I first wait to the 30 day recommended no-contact period, and see how I'm feeling then?

 

I don't think she'll ever initiate contact again because I rejected her attempts and that must have hurt on her end; she'll never want to put herself through that again.

 

I know you all are very busy, but any advice or perspective would be seriously appreciated.

 

PS. Please be gentle haha! :)

 

Best regards,

LQ

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted (edited)

No contact is not a plan to get someone back. It's to heal one's psyche to a neutral state where it doesn't matter whether that person is in one's life or not.

 

ETA she knows where you live and she dumped you, so a proactive personal appearance by her desiring to reconcile and accepting responsibility for her role in the relationship would be bare minimum for resumption of contact.

 

Read the thread in my signature for a more complete discussion. Welcome to LS :)

Edited by carhill
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LoveQuestions New Member

LoveQuestions

Posted
  • Author
Posted

All this is telling me is that I have to keep up the No Contact.

 

Thank you so much for your response. I've made it 3 weeks, and I am becoming more neutral to the whole thing.

 

By the way I can say a few things about NC. When I called she would be terse and I'd feel like sheet metal. Then I stopped calling, and she got interested. Yet as I'm seeing now, these are what Love Shack calls bread crumbs and I have ignored those. It hurts and you never really know what those calls could have led to, but I feel as those it is the right choice for me to make.

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

Adjunct to NC there is personal work and growth. Prior, at a much younger age, I understood the health of NC but did not yet understand how to do the personal work to grow during the healing process. The result was getting 'stuck' without closure and acceptance of the end of the dynamic. IOW, never reaching a neutral state. Many years later, it would take therapy and a failed M to teach the proper lessons about acceptance and how to do the personal work to grow from the painful aspects of NC and the ending of a marriage and relationship/love. So, in a way, I've seen both sides.

 

I can't recall one woman who ever had contact with me after ending a relationship; my exW and I only had official contact regarding the divorce. Otherwise, NC. So, IME, women tend to get it right. More lessons learned :)

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