sonic3 Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 I ended the relationship with my girlfriend of 3.5 years over 2 months ago now. The reason for this was she was persistently pushing me into moving in with her, however the timing wasn't right for me as I am going back to university for 1.5 years to study a Masters which means living at home. She wasn't happy with this and gradually distanced herself from me over time, then other issues introduced themselves (baby deadlines, if I want to study a masters, then I must propose to her so she gets something in return). The whole thing was getting very unhealthy, and she wasn't speaking to me for 3-4 days at a time, so I told her if she couldn't support me to finish my education and set myself up with a good career I didn't see myself having a future with her. She responded "Theres not much I can say to that" and that was it. After a week she texted me, saying she wanted to sort things out. I suggested meeting for a coffee and a chat to try and sort things out, but once I offered to do this, she didnt seem that interested. "Oh, I won't have the time to meet you for at least another week." and just a general bad attitude towards the whole thing. She blamed the entire breakup on me too and was completely ignorant of her own selfishness in failing to support my career, education and also requesting a few months space (I told her that wasn't going to happen, she's in the relationship or she isn't, I'm not going to be pissed around for a few months). I apologised for the breakup and hurting her feelings etc over the phone (no pleading, desperation or any of that) and insisted I wanted to give things another go, but she pretty much gave me the run around for weeks and the general impression I got was, she wasn't really that interested in sorting anything out. After another few weeks of this, I told her to just forget it, I couldn't see things working out after all that had happened. She didn't seem to bothered. From that point I initiated NC, it's been 5 weeks now. I understand the relationship was unhealthy, she treated me badly a lot of the time, took me for granted, was very ungrateful for anything I did or bought her - nothing was ever good enough. I'm convinced she has BPD. She did text me 2 weeks ago in relation to a bill that was in my name. She congradulated me on a new job offer she must have heard through a friend (which involves me moving across the world for a few months). However I ignored the comment and kept the conversation strictly to sorting out the bill. 2 hours later a mutual friend contacts me, asking me questions about the new job, what I've been doing, when am I leaving the country etc... I chatted to her but never answered the question about the job, she has been persistently asking me when I am leaving now every week or so, to which I don't give her any information about what I am doing. Now she has invited me down to her house in a few weeks, perhaps I'm just being paranoid, but it feels like she's inviting me down only to interogate me for information that will be passed back to my ex, especially about when I am leaving. I thought no contact would have helped me, and although my emotions are somewhat under control I still get depressed, lonely and bored at times. I think about her every day still and I do miss her, but I have let go of trying to get back with her and I don't think friends is a good option either. The relationship was never going to work, unless I gave up my education and career to move in with her NOW, but what kind of relationship is that. I'm kind of 'stuck' at the moment and don't know how to make myself 'unstuck' and I'm a bit dubious about talking/hanging out with this mutual friend who is her best friend (although we were friends first before my ex came into the picture). I did everything for this girl, treated her properly, took on her daughter as my own, helped her set up her business, took an interest in everything she did and supported her. Nothing was ever good enough though and nothing was ever appreciated. My career, education and interests meant nothing to her and she offered zero support for them, all she was concerned about was getting me to move in and commit.
fetish Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 believe me. if you had done everything she asked, gave up on your education, moved in with her, married her, she still would've found something to gripe about which would've resulted in a very unhappy life, which would have led to your splitting up anyway, possibly resulting in a costly divorce. It's good that you didn't let her pressure you and put yourself first. If you submitted to her needs, she probably would've just lost interest anyway, started taking you for granted, and it just wouldn't have worked out. Then you'd be stuck with no education, no life, and wondering what happened. That's one thing i can say i learned from my most recent relationship (of 8 years). I was with a self-centered manipulator who decided to reveal her true colors after about 4 or 5 years in to our relationship. It was her selfishness, irresponsibility, lack of communication, and refusual to compromise which led to our break up 2 months ago. This relationship has taught me that it's ok to look out for yourself. You have to. It's okay to put yourself aside, but when the other person demands it all the time without looking out for your best interests, they're selfish and manipulative. Furthermore, if the other person just changes and decides that they don't want to be in it anymore, then you still have to have a life left for yourself.
Author sonic3 Posted April 23, 2011 Author Posted April 23, 2011 Yeah, I think I've definitely had a lucky escape, I just can't seem to forget about her for some reason. The whole thing is completely self centred on her behalf, I don't understand why she couldn't just wait another year or two until I had a better education and better job to move in together with a good financial backing. I don't think it's too much to ask for a partner to support you in your education and career, which would ultimately benefit her in the long run anyway. How are you feeling after 2 months?
LifeIsGreat Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 OP... I give you credit for not looking at your ex with rose colored glasses. You are seeing her for who she really is. Most people aren't able to do that; instead they "idealize" the other person. Since you are being so realistic, you will heal with time. Hate to say it, but it will take time. At this point there is absolutely no reason for you to have ANY contact with her again. Let her go, let time pass, and move on with your life. Dude, you dodged a bullet!!
Author sonic3 Posted April 23, 2011 Author Posted April 23, 2011 Thanks, the time apart has given me a lot to reflect on and I've seen a lot of things that I have been overlooking for quite some time. I still idealise her at times, she wasn't all bad but I think she was a very selfish person who was only concerned about what she could get out of me, I don't even think she loved me for who I was - she just wanted someone to move in with her and marry her, I was just an anyone rather than a someone who she wanted to marry because of who I am. Although I can see all these things, it should make it easier to move on but I miss her a lot, I'm sticking to NC indefinitely, I don't expect her to ever contact me again anyway. I'm just concerned about meeting up with mutual friends, I don't want to hear about her or talk about her with anyone who is in contact with her. Last week I felt like I was completely over her, hardly thought about her and was happy for a while, now I feel like I'm going backwards at times.
VJohnson32 Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 Thanks, the time apart has given me a lot to reflect on and I've seen a lot of things that I have been overlooking for quite some time. I still idealise her at times, she wasn't all bad but I think she was a very selfish person who was only concerned about what she could get out of me, I don't even think she loved me for who I was - she just wanted someone to move in with her and marry her, I was just an anyone rather than a someone who she wanted to marry because of who I am. I can definitely relate to that. My ex continuously pushed me to propose to her and get our own place. She used to live with me but was way too clingy and drove me crazy so she moved out and went to stay with her parents. But was always so clingy. She would always bug me about marriage and I told her it wasnt the right time since she was still in college. I always knew there was something wrong with her, eventually later she admited she suffers from monophobia. Afraid of being alone. She is now in a new relationship 2 months after we broke up.
fetish Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 How are you feeling after 2 months? Overall, i'm feeling much better. I still have my moments where i get sad and still find myself missing her, but no where as intense as it was 2 months ago or even 1 month ago. Yesterday marked 10 weeks since our split. I was with her for 8 years so its a little difficult at times but i'm getting through it and am discovering being happy again. Maybe i'll be ready to date again as time continues to pass.
Author sonic3 Posted April 23, 2011 Author Posted April 23, 2011 I'm hoping to me in a much better position in another 3-4 weeks. It's the memories that keep popping into my head that get to me, or thinking what she might be doing. I don't doubt she will probably jump into another relationship pretty quickly as she can't stand being alone. I think she will jump at the chance with the next 'anyone' who comes along. I've avoided her pretty well so far, I just don't know if I should avoid mutual friends for a while too incase someone starts talking about her and what she's up to. The less I hear about her the better.
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