You know nothing about my situation...

[Silly_Girl]

Some are naive. I'm not naive, you're not naive. Some people have to learn the hard way.

 

I'm certainly not naive. But I'm also smart enough to look hard at the situation and not make a blanket assumption because someone on the Internet said it must be true.

 

There's some fantastic posts dotted about the place from BSs here about trust and moving forward, and different mindsets one can take. Really useful.

Edited April 24, 2011 by Silly_Girl

[turnstone]

It was a direct quote from this post:

 

 

 

It's standard referencing practice.

 

 

The reference was to the OW who, by the very content of their postings are claiming to be telling us all about it. Never mind that its irrelevant.

[turnstone]

I also wonder how these mistresses/OW can state "I know him better than ANYONE"; when in reality, she knows about as much as he is willing to show her of his true self .. besides the fact that he is a liar, he is a coward, he can't be trusted to honor a promise, he has zero honor for his wife/the mother of his kids, etc.

 

But then I realize that they have to believe this stuff because to not believe it means the relationship isn't built on all this wonderful trust and honestly. I feel sad for some because they truly are being led down the yellow brick road

 

Yep, I agree. Protesting far too much.

 

Reading back over the OW posts (ok, admittedly I haven't read that much as I'm not interested enough) there is such a small minority of OW who's affairs end in marriage or other committed relationship, it beggars belief that there are so many OW who are still willing to buy into the idea the MM will divorce. Also, it would seem that the only affairs that end happily for the OW are those in which the OW stops being the passive party and starts to not put up with getting less than she needs and wants from the MM, which also beggars belief that any OW who's serious about getting help wouldn't have done this research themselves and got a clue!

[Woman In Blue]

I have the skills that keep him coming back for more.

 

We all have the skills that keep men coming back for more (unless a woman is brain-dead or frigid). It's not rocket science.

 

HOWEVER, most men thrive on variety, no matter HOW exciting you're making it for him at home (or in your case, a hotel or backseat of the car). The world is FULL of entitled married jerkoff men just looking for NEW thrills even when they're getting great sex at home.

 

HA! No, I don't worry about that! I trust the love we share.

 

Don't you think the betrayed wife of your married 'boyfriend' felt the same way? Don't you think most of the betrayed wives on this board also thought the same thing? What makes YOU different? It's going to be a far fall from grace when it happens to you....

[Silly_Girl]

Yep, I agree. Protesting far too much.

 

Reading back over the OW posts (ok, admittedly I haven't read that much as I'm not interested enough) there is such a small minority of OW who's affairs end in marriage or other committed relationship, it beggars belief that there are so many OW who are still willing to buy into the idea the MM will divorce. Also, it would seem that the only affairs that end happily for the OW are those in which the OW stops being the passive party and starts to not put up with getting less than she needs and wants from the MM, which also beggars belief that any OW who's serious about getting help wouldn't have done this research themselves and got a clue!

 

Turnstone, some decent points in there but as I read it the following crossed my mind:

 

- I think most OW are initially not INTERESTED in ending up with the MM.

 

- many OW do get what they want and need from the affair, however you're right in that many do NOT

 

- on the research front given divorce stats seems no one should even be considering getting married in this day and age. It's doomed. I just don't think research and statistics has a material bearing on most people where affairs of the heart are concerned

[Summer Breeze]

Or the "you don't understand and not all things are black and white" and the ever popular "you must be bitter" is always thrown in at those that dare to post anything besides rah rah rah you go girl statements.

 

 

 

I also wonder how these mistresses/OW can state "I know him better than ANYONE"; when in reality, she knows about as much as he is willing to show her of his true self .. besides the fact that he is a liar, he is a coward, he can't be trusted to honor a promise, he has zero honor for his wife/the mother of his kids, etc.

 

But then I realize that they have to believe this stuff because to not believe it means the relationship isn't built on all this wonderful trust and honestly. I feel sad for some because they truly are being led down the yellow brick road

 

So you're basically saying that no one can change and no one should give them the benefit of having the ability to change? So my exH who has been married to his OW for around 20 years and has gotten clean and sober with her support in that time shouldn't have been trusted after he cheated on me? Fair enough in some worlds but not in mine.

 

When people come in here spouting off about once a cheat always a cheat they do so until they talk about the xWS who stays home and clears the fog from their eyes because then they are exempt from that inevitable outcome. Right. Oh yes and it seems that the mantra 'no one knows what goes on inside the M' is true because obviously EVERYONE knows exactly what is going on inside every A.

 

 

In general to the OP you'll find that As are like a lot of Rs in a lot of respects. We divulge what we want and he hold tight what we don't want put out. My cheating xH, for example, was just someone I didn't get along with when I was speaking to my parents. He drank but it wasn't an issue in the m. Everyone shows the world what they want to see and sometimes it's done because you think it's not necessary to share and sometimes it's to protect yourself from judgement and sometimes its because you want to protect your future. We don't know everyones stories and we never will. To the OW who says they're doing fabulous or those that have their MM as H now I would imagine there were hard times they're not sharing. To the BS who comes across as I told him to leave and I am so powerful and we're perfect I would imagine there were hard times they're not sharing. I'm one of them. I tell what I think is pertinent but I think in my situation it's a little easier. BS 20 or so years ago and OW 3 years ago. I'm not in the middle of any of it and I have no history with anyone in here so there really isn't any reason to hide anything.

 

My 2 pence

[Summer Breeze]

Yep, I agree. Protesting far too much.

 

Reading back over the OW posts (ok, admittedly I haven't read that much as I'm not interested enough) there is such a small minority of OW who's affairs end in marriage or other committed relationship, it beggars belief that there are so many OW who are still willing to buy into the idea the MM will divorce. Also, it would seem that the only affairs that end happily for the OW are those in which the OW stops being the passive party and starts to not put up with getting less than she needs and wants from the MM, which also beggars belief that any OW who's serious about getting help wouldn't have done this research themselves and got a clue!

 

Could I say the same for M in general. The stats aren't great and beggars belief why anyone would consider entering into it.

 

The other thing is that the sampling here in LS isn't necessarily reflective of real life. I think that's the same with the numbers who reconcile their Ms. I think there are few people in here to represent both camps and I firmly believe (and know by my own acquaintances and family members) that the numbers here aren't representative of real life.

[jj33]

So you're basically saying that no one can change and no one should give them the benefit of having the ability to change? So my exH who has been married to his OW for around 20 years and has gotten clean and sober with her support in that time shouldn't have been trusted after he cheated on me? Fair enough in some worlds but not in mine.

 

When people come in here spouting off about once a cheat always a cheat they do so until they talk about the xWS who stays home and clears the fog from their eyes because then they are exempt from that inevitable outcome. Right. Oh yes and it seems that the mantra 'no one knows what goes on inside the M' is true because obviously EVERYONE knows exactly what is going on inside every A.

 

 

In general to the OP you'll find that As are like a lot of Rs in a lot of respects. We divulge what we want and he hold tight what we don't want put out. My cheating xH, for example, was just someone I didn't get along with when I was speaking to my parents. He drank but it wasn't an issue in the m. Everyone shows the world what they want to see and sometimes it's done because you think it's not necessary to share and sometimes it's to protect yourself from judgement and sometimes its because you want to protect your future. We don't know everyones stories and we never will. To the OW who says they're doing fabulous or those that have their MM as H now I would imagine there were hard times they're not sharing. To the BS who comes across as I told him to leave and I am so powerful and we're perfect I would imagine there were hard times they're not sharing. I'm one of them. I tell what I think is pertinent but I think in my situation it's a little easier. BS 20 or so years ago and OW 3 years ago. I'm not in the middle of any of it and I have no history with anyone in here so there really isn't any reason to hide anything.

 

My 2 pence

 

Excellent post Summer (as always). And you are so right LS is not representative of what happens IRL at least not in my experience.

[OWoman]

Agreed. And many OW who end up marrying their MM end up getting cheated on or cheat themselves.

 

None that I know IRL, and few that have posted their stories on LS. Not sure what your assumption is based on...?

[OWoman]

Could I say the same for M in general. The stats aren't great and beggars belief why anyone would consider entering into it.

 

... or any other kind of R. If you think about how many Rs you've had over the course of your lifetime, and how many of those turned into M, and how many of those lasted and you're still in... For most people, it's a very small proportion! Yet is that likely to stop people from following their hormones? Not very likely... whether it's dating, M, an A or any other kind of R.

 

And besides, the journey isn't always just about the destination.

[OWoman]

Excellent post Summer (as always). And you are so right LS is not representative of what happens IRL at least not in my experience.

 

Nor in mine.

[The_411]

When someone uses the you know nothing about my situation they're all ready indicating that they're immune to anyone who would dare saying anything negative or dare question the situation. So, in essence, they're screaming out aloud that they're stubborn, pigheaded, and refuse to engage in discussion.

 

Why then do they create a thread? Narcissism of course. They want people to cheer them on or praise them for following their heart or some other such nonsense.

 

The reality is 3% of affairs make it past two years. Of those 1.5% make it to the altar. Who knows how many actually last 5 or more years in a relationship. So there's .45% chance of an affair ending up in a marriage and .225% chance of it lasting. Sounds like some good odds to me.

[nyrias]

The reality is 3% of affairs make it past two years. Of those 1.5% make it to the altar. Who knows how many actually last 5 or more years in a relationship. So there's .45% chance of an affair ending up in a marriage and .225% chance of it lasting. Sounds like some good odds to me.

 

Only assuming the parties involved want a long term relationship. If they only want a fling, the 3% statistics is actually positive. They can move onto the next one fast.

[Memphis Raines]

... is a statement that baffles me when made by an OW on LS. Haven't you just spent the last n posts/days/weeks/months/years telling us all about it?

 

yes, they tell us their situation, and yet we know nothing.

 

as if knowing their situation makes the pain they cause other people all a-ok:rolleyes:

[NoIDidn't]

"you know nothing about my situation"...

 

could this not also be said by the "betrayed spouse" to the "other man/woman" who is so sure that they now exactly what is going on in their affair partners marriage and how " awful" it is?

 

This is quite different, IMO. In this situation, you have an OW that was probably told embellished stories about the marriage now bandying about as if they know all about the W and the marriage - when they only know what they were told, not the context of it in the marriage or any other circumstances that may be relevant.

 

The W telling the OW this would be much more likely to be true, than the OW saying it trying to shut people up. That's really all it is. A weak attempt to silence opinions they can't bear to consider. Whenever I read it, its like the person posting it puts their hands over their ears, closes their eyes, and starts screaming so they can't hear you.

[HappyAtLast]

I have often felt this way after having posted something and having some poster fire back with something to the effect of "your BS is better off without you" or "you will cheat again on your current spouse."

 

I often do not bother with these folks, but I could answer that they don't know my story. And, the fact is, they don't. It is blanket statements like the ones above that makes folks look foolish, in my humble opinion.

[OldOnTheInside]

This is true.

 

None of us truely know what anyone else's life experiences are like 100%. We can only make assumptions from the information given here. None of us are "above it all."

 

That won't stop my amusement from seeing the classic stock replies:

 

"Things aren't always black and white."

"You're just a bitter BS."

"You have no right to judge me."

 

We could make a drinking game out of it...

[NoIDidn't]

I have often felt this way after having posted something and having some poster fire back with something to the effect of "your BS is better off without you" or "you will cheat again on your current spouse."

 

I often do not bother with these folks, but I could answer that they don't know my story. And, the fact is, they don't. It is blanket statements like the ones above that makes folks look foolish, in my humble opinion.

 

I agree that posters that don't bother to actually read the little bit of the story that is provided do make themselves look foolish, but there are very few of those posters for them to be brought up all the time.

 

There are a lot more posters all over LS that are quick to state "you don't know my story" in defense instead of either ignoring the poster that irritated them or explaining why their thoughts on the story aren't the reality without being defensive.

[Silly_Girl]

I agree that posters that don't bother to actually read the little bit of the story that is provided do make themselves look foolish, but there are very few of those posters for them to be brought up all the time.

 

There are a lot more posters all over LS that are quick to state "you don't know my story" in defense instead of either ignoring the poster that irritated them or explaining why their thoughts on the story aren't the reality without being defensive.

 

You may, of course, be right. However, I have certainly experienced something in the 'you know nothing' range, myself. If there's been lots and lots of events, and you mention 3 or 4 of them (because it's an internet forum post and not a novel) someone may pick up on something and interpret it a certain way. But in fact, perhaps there is a lot more to that particular point, but either it's hard to convey on the internet (but easy over a cup of coffee and a biscuit!) or there's too much info to share for whatever reason.

 

I have found myself on a couple of occasions saying things like 'appreciate why you say that, but there's other stuff that means I don't see it the same way'. And then I'm either accused of lying, or being in denial.

 

It isn't easy for people to offer support/advice in that instance, I realise.

[OWoman]

This is quite different' date=' IMO. In this situation, you have an OW that was probably told embellished stories about the marriage now bandying about as if they know all about the W and the marriage - [b']when they only know what they were told, not the context of it in the marriage or any other circumstances that may be relevant.[/b]

 

Again, this is another assumption foisted onto the OW by posters who don't bother to check whether or not that is the case. SOME OWs "know" the BS only through what they are told by the WS - and others know the BS personally, as a friend or colleague or some other R. And in other cases, somewhere in between, such as my own situation where I knew friends, family and colleagues, all of whom provided a rich tapestry which has proven to be consistent with my own first-person experience gained subsequently.

 

By contrast, few people here know each other IRL, so it's a reasonable assumption to make that those responding to threads don't know the individual circumstances of a poster, beyond the scant details that they may have posted here (if they've bothered to read the OP, or previous posts made by that poster). Most of the details they have in their minds about a situation will have been added from their assumptions, from other stories they deem similar or from their own experiences. Sometimes these projections resonate and allow the OP to feel "heard", and other times they will be off course and the OP will feel misunderstood, brushed off or the subject of "cookie cutter" advice that s/he feels has no bearing on her/his own situation. It can be very hit and miss.

[donnamaybe]

As regards the veracity of a MP to their AP, when we read posts on here from people who have been in the same A for going on six years and who RARELY see each other IRL, and then we hear the AP say that the MM/MW doesn't have sex with their spouse, we are going to come to a logical conclusion which is, "Um, okay. Yeah. They don't have sex."

 

I'm sorry, but neither we on LS NOR the AP knows about that situation. Only the WS and the BS do. We can certainly speculate, though, based on what we know from posts about that particular A situation, the numerous threads we have read here on LS of other similar situations, and the lengthy passing of time.

[turnstone]

Again, this is another assumption foisted onto the OW by posters who don't bother to check whether or not that is the case. SOME OWs "know" the BS only through what they are told by the WS - and others know the BS personally, as a friend or colleague or some other R. And in other cases, somewhere in between, such as my own situation where I knew friends, family and colleagues, all of whom provided a rich tapestry which has proven to be consistent with my own first-person experience gained subsequently.

 

By contrast, few people here know each other IRL, so it's a reasonable assumption to make that those responding to threads don't know the individual circumstances of a poster, beyond the scant details that they may have posted here (if they've bothered to read the OP, or previous posts made by that poster). Most of the details they have in their minds about a situation will have been added from their assumptions, from other stories they deem similar or from their own experiences. Sometimes these projections resonate and allow the OP to feel "heard", and other times they will be off course and the OP will feel misunderstood, brushed off or the subject of "cookie cutter" advice that s/he feels has no bearing on her/his own situation. It can be very hit and miss.

 

Most stories provide far more than 'scant detail'. There are many OW who have been posting about their affair(s) for a very long time.

 

In contrast I have never seen a BS who has posted about his/her situation here, use the argument of the responder knowing nothing, which again says much about the BS not needing to feel defensive.

 

You're one that uses 'you know nothing about my situation' but have given, and continue to give, enough details about it, both here and on other sites that have been linked to from LS to show a very clear picture of who and what you are.