The kids

[Silly_Girl]

I think you need to set a good example if you expect your kids to turn out okay. Thye can overcom bad examples and go their own way. But, they do not respect you if you are immoral.

In the context of cheating, I think cheating on your spouse or being involved with a married person is a horrible example for kids, as it is dishonest and abusive. I do not see how a child could have much respect for a parent that does this.

 

Thanks for the input but the post was about parenting. Apart from 'lead by example', which has been mentioned many times, do you have any thoughts or suggestions?

[Bigsmoke]

My suggestion is to lead by example, not cheat, and be a person with ethics and good morals. Then hopefully, your kids will respect and love you.

 

If you have sex with married people, and are dishonest etc. , I expect your kids will not think very highly of you.

[Silly_Girl]

There's nothing ironic about it. Many kids raise themselves while their mums raise their skirts for MM. It's a good thing if he got a moral compass from somewhere else. He won't get it from mum.

 

I'd never let you within a million miles of my son so you could never understand, but he really is a remarkable individual who gets regularly singled out at school for pastoral praise and points. He is a total hit with those who meet him, and I have pretty much raised him alone. Those who know me know that 99% of my non-work time is spent with him and I have virtually no social life compared to my peers as a result, and he certainly has NOT raised himself. So go ahead do your worst with regards insults about what an awful mum I am, but I have the living proof of my parenting skills in front of me every day and you've no chance of getting anywhere with that as an insult against me.

 

I would hate to give my son such a cold, bitter example of behaviour such as you display on the boards.

[Silly_Girl]

My suggestion is to lead by example, not cheat, and be a person with ethics and good morals. Then hopefully, your kids will respect and love you.

 

If you have sex with married people, and are dishonest etc. , I expect your kids will not think very highly of you.

 

I'm sad you didn't have time to read the opening post but thanks for sharing some thoughts anyway.

[Bigsmoke]

No. I read it. Just thought you were inquiring re a person involved in adultery parenting. Infidelity has a huge impact on kids. Sorry you made the choice to expose your child to it.

[Silly_Girl]

No. I read it. Just thought you were inquiring re a person involved in adultery parenting. Infidelity has a huge impact on kids. Sorry you made the choice to expose your child to it.

 

Ah no, you definitely didn't get it. In general most of us are more aware than we would have been of factors in infidelity... How can we best equip our children so they don't end up in a pickle in their adult relationships. ?

 

And you really don't need to apologise to me for the fact I'm in a wonderful relationship with a man who makes both my son and I very happy. My boyfriend and son share a lot of interests and do a lot of things together, and there's lots of banter between them. It's lovely. I'm genuinely a very lucky girl

[OWoman]

And you really don't need to apologise to me for the fact I'm in a wonderful relationship with a man who makes both my son and I very happy. My boyfriend and son share a lot of interests and do a lot of things together, and there's lots of banter between them. It's lovely. I'm genuinely a very lucky girl

 

... and you and he have just inherited a whole new family to help with all of that positive reinforcement and affirmation stuff

[Bigsmoke]

Yes, that banter makes all the difference, doesn't it? Had I known there was banter, my analysis would have been entirely different.

[OWoman]

Yes, that banter makes all the difference, doesn't it?

 

It can, at that age. It can make all the difference between great rapport, or none.

[Silly_Girl]

All you can be commended for is taking a cheater off the streets, not for your parenting skills.

 

You'll never know because you'll never meet him, but there's a few dozen teachers who'd disagree with you, 4 generations of family on my side, 3 on his dads, 3 on my boyfriends, several neighbours and all my friends - and their kids who he is great with.

 

Oh yes, and the learning difficulty kids he mentored in primary school, the bullied kids he looked after at secondary school. The hospitalised kid on his ski trip in Italy.... So many more.

 

Just this weekend FOUR SEPARATE ADULTS took me to one side and told ne how he is real credit to me and I should be so proud.

 

So I would appreciate it if you would keep your opinions about things of which you know NOTHING (my son and my parenting skills) to YOURSELF as it is all conjecture and you're starting to piss me off and ruin a perfectly good thread. Thanks.

[Silly_Girl]

Yes, that banter makes all the difference, doesn't it? Had I known there was banter, my analysis would have been entirely different.

 

Seems like someone's a little bit jealous that someone else has a happy, warm family life. Sorry you don't like the fact but I'm not going to change anything to appease you!!

[desertIslandCactus]

I'd never let you within a million miles of my son so you could never understand, but he really is a remarkable individual who gets regularly singled out at school for pastoral praise and points. He is a total hit with those who meet him, and I have pretty much raised him alone. Those who know me know that 99% of my non-work time is spent with him and I have virtually no social life compared to my peers as a result, and he certainly has NOT raised himself. So go ahead do your worst with regards insults about what an awful mum I am, but I have the living proof of my parenting skills in front of me every day and you've no chance of getting anywhere with that as an insult against me.

 

I would hate to give my son such a cold, bitter example of behaviour such as you display on the boards.

 

My mother cheated on my father during my childhood. I most certainly did raise myself. And although I love her, to this day - I have always considered myself the adult in my mother/daughter relationship.

 

An accomplished responsible child can possess these qualities in spite of an irresponsible or preoccupied parent.

[BB07]

All you can be commended for is taking a cheater off the streets, not for your parenting skills.

 

What gives you the right to judge someone's parenting skills that you do not know in R/L? None, I would think. You are just using it as a excuse to provoke and be rude, nothing more, nothing less.

 

 

Of all the millions of people in the world who have had some aspect of cheating in their lives, you are essentially saying ALL of them are bad parents. Ludicrous at best.

 

SG........if I were you, I wouldn't waste my typing skills bothering to defend yourself as this person is not here to discuss, only to provoke you. Kinda reminds me of someone else around here. I think their initial starts with W.

[Silly_Girl]

Right. Methinks you protest too much. Go tell those people you are lifting your skirt for a married man under the same roof that you 'parent' your kid. See if they think you should be so proud then.

 

I think you know the answer already, which is why you're cheesed off. Please keep your bashing to yourself and stay on-topic.

[Silly_Girl]

My mother cheated on my father during my childhood. I most certainly did raise myself. And although I love her, to this day - I have always considered myself the adult in my mother/daughter relationship.

 

An accomplished responsible child can possess these qualities in spite of an irresponsible or preoccupied parent.

 

Not a chance! No way is he the young man he is entirely by accident! I take my role in his life VERY seriously and have done since I first discovered I was pregnant. If he's raised himself why do my friends turn to me for advice given how very strong the bond is between he and I?! Shame on you!

 

Okay. Will ask Tony to close what was previously a valuable and thought-provoking thread. Thanks to those who responded to the OP.

[Silly_Girl]

You can't avoid the truth when the truth hurts.

 

I have no issue with the truth. Never have. People making stuff up about the relationship I have with my son, who is far and beyond the most important person in my life... That is what I won't tolerate.

[Bigsmoke]

If your son's future wife cheats on him, perhaps you will develop empathy which allows you t osee the pain you inflict when you cheat. It is uneccessary pain, as divorce is so readily available these days. You are not thinking of others, including your son, in pursuing this kind of relationship.

 

Banter is meaningless unless this guy can walk the walk, which, based on his willingness to cheat, he cannot.

[Silly_Girl]

If your son's future wife cheats on him, perhaps you will develop empathy which allows you t osee the pain you inflict when you cheat. It is uneccessary pain, as divorce is so readily available these days. You are not thinking of others, including your son, in pursuing this kind of relationship.

 

Banter is meaningless unless this guy can walk the walk, which, based on his willingness to cheat, he cannot.

 

We could post on this for hours and hours. You will remain ignorant. Because you need to stay that way. You could try and familiarise yourself with the facts, but that might mean you would need to question things... you may need to look at things that make you uncomfortable or as if you're somehow losing your 'strength'.

 

Your glib, baseless comments are a waste of your time being as you know nothing meaningful of me or the context of my relationship.

[Silly_Girl]

I hope you don't hurt your back from patting it too much. I'll be the first to admit that my sons have many fine qualities.. Just a few may have come from me .. others came from their father - and from God.

 

Good old God!!! I had a far greater hand in raising my son than anyone. Least of all God...

 

Three things in my life I'm truly proud of: my son, putting myself through nightschool to qualify in my profession, and quitting smoking.

 

So knock me for lots of things, and I'll put my hands up to it. But any of those three... you can move right along

[Silly_Girl]

Then tell all the people who think you are Mother of the Year that you're with a MM when you should be parenting your kid.

 

You don't read my posts, obviously. Go away, read them, then we can have a genuine exchange. I've nothing to hide. It's all in there. Put your money where your mouth is and prove you're more than 'this' that you show of yourself here?

[Silly_Girl]

We know you are an OW and providing a bad example to your son. What else do we need to know?

 

I'm a great example to my son, thanks. I don't need your approval and the likes of you and DiC I'd prefer NOT to be someone you identify with or approve of.

[Silly_Girl]

She doesn't care who she hurts as long as she gets what she wants.

 

You a regular on Jackanory then?

[fooled once]

Many kids have crappy crappy parents and end up being wonderful human beings.

 

Many kids have great parents and end up being crappy human beings.

 

It isn't JUST parenting; it is the environment, discipline, limits, boundaries, repercussions for bad behavior, reward/kudos for actions above and beyond (I do not believe in giving a kid money for cleaning their room or helping around the house. That is part of being in a family.).

 

Silly, I understand being proud of parenting; but truly, it takes a village (and I was a single parent for many, many years). Without the help of friends (for advice, picking up my son when I was running late leaving work, taking him to baseball practice when I was sick with the flu, etc), he would have missed some activities or sat at daycare longer than I wanted.

 

As great as my son has turned out, I personally can't continue to pat myself on the back because I didn't do it myself....HE did it too. He made smart choices, he thought of the consequences of actions (not all the time, but the majority of the time), he wanted certain things (certain classes he wanted to take, etc) and he did the leg work on talking to counselors and teachers. He wanted certain items, so he got a job at 15 and started saving (he bought a car at 16 for $6,000).

 

We as parents, IMHO, should set good examples for our kids. No parent is perfect. We all make mistakes, but cheating IMHO, is not a mistake. That is a conscious decision. Running a yellow light is a 50/50 risk Cheating on taxes is not a mistake. There are errors in judgment and conscious decisions for selfish reasons. NONE OF THIS IS AIMED AT YOU - this is just my views.

 

Lying is a huge one for kids. Many times when kids find out a parent has willfully lied, those kids lose a ton of respect for that parent. We teach our kids not to lie; to be honest and forthright. We need to set the example of the characteristics we want for our children.

 

I am not a drinker; never have been one. My ex is. I am very glad my son did not spend a ton of time with his father - due to his father refusing his visitation. I did not want my son to think that drinking beer at 8 am was a 'normal' thing. I divorced my ex for many reasons, but besides his drinking, I chose to not allow the physical abuse any longer. Again another characteristic that I did not want my son to think was normal - slapping, hitting or throwing their spouse.

 

So while it is great that people tell you all the time what an outstanding young man your son is, and I am not saying he isn't, but remember that no 'friend' is going to come up to you and say "your kid is a sh*thead" And how kids behave at 14/15 can drastically change when they are 18/19+ I have been stunned at how some of my friends kids have "turned out" - both good and bad.

[wheelwright]

She doesn't care who she hurts as long as she gets what she wants. Not a good example to the kid methinks.

 

Oh dear!

 

SG is quite clearly a great mother. Her empathy and love alone ensure that. They breathe through every word in her considered thread.

 

If she can pass these qualities on, the world will be a better place. If people prefer to pass on an instinct to bash people, well then we can go back to worrying about future generations.

 

The question of whether empathy is better than bashing is more easily resolved than the Q SG posed.

 

I think the question partly comes down to values. Would you rather your child followed their heart and happiness, or follow a sense of fulfilling and sensible nurturing? Or stay half-cocked?

 

My answer would be anything but the latter.

 

In terms of the initial q SG, I liked SP's answer. I have also read about schemas, and it's true as I see it.

 

But whatever wrongs we commit as children, we need to know we can be honest and not bashed, pointed out certain things to be good to others and make life smoother, and that our stability will not be threatened in terms of the love we need from our adult carers.

 

And if we don't have this as a kid, we may still yet learn it all as an adult, if there has been some basic love. Give or take the possibility of genetic psychological complication.

 

Unfortunately an A can threaten the stability part if not dealt with well and in this way conflict avoiders (like me) stand the chance of passing on difficulties to their kids.

 

However, if the aftermath is dealt with sensitively and honestly, I suspect they will learn lessons about honesty and the avoidance of bashing others that will stand them well in the confusing world of judgements and forgiveness.

 

Great thread, and all power to you for not rising.

[Silly_Girl]

Many kids have crappy crappy parents and end up being wonderful human beings.

 

Many kids have great parents and end up being crappy human beings.

 

It isn't JUST parenting; it is the environment, discipline, limits, boundaries, repercussions for bad behavior, reward/kudos for actions above and beyond (I do not believe in giving a kid money for cleaning their room or helping around the house. That is part of being in a family.).

 

Silly, I understand being proud of parenting; but truly, it takes a village (and I was a single parent for many, many years). Without the help of friends (for advice, picking up my son when I was running late leaving work, taking him to baseball practice when I was sick with the flu, etc), he would have missed some activities or sat at daycare longer than I wanted.

 

As great as my son has turned out, I personally can't continue to pat myself on the back because I didn't do it myself....HE did it too. He made smart choices, he thought of the consequences of actions (not all the time, but the majority of the time), he wanted certain things (certain classes he wanted to take, etc) and he did the leg work on talking to counselors and teachers. He wanted certain items, so he got a job at 15 and started saving (he bought a car at 16 for $6,000).

 

We as parents, IMHO, should set good examples for our kids. No parent is perfect. We all make mistakes, but cheating IMHO, is not a mistake. That is a conscious decision. Running a yellow light is a 50/50 risk Cheating on taxes is not a mistake. There are errors in judgment and conscious decisions for selfish reasons. NONE OF THIS IS AIMED AT YOU - this is just my views.

 

Lying is a huge one for kids. Many times when kids find out a parent has willfully lied, those kids lose a ton of respect for that parent. We teach our kids not to lie; to be honest and forthright. We need to set the example of the characteristics we want for our children.

 

I am not a drinker; never have been one. My ex is. I am very glad my son did not spend a ton of time with his father - due to his father refusing his visitation. I did not want my son to think that drinking beer at 8 am was a 'normal' thing. I divorced my ex for many reasons, but besides his drinking, I chose to not allow the physical abuse any longer. Again another characteristic that I did not want my son to think was normal - slapping, hitting or throwing their spouse.

 

So while it is great that people tell you all the time what an outstanding young man your son is, and I am not saying he isn't, but remember that no 'friend' is going to come up to you and say "your kid is a sh*thead" And how kids behave at 14/15 can drastically change when they are 18/19+ I have been stunned at how some of my friends kids have "turned out" - both good and bad.

 

You don't know either of us. Saying 'no one's going to tell you he's a sh**head is just pathetic. I'm fully aware he could go all 'Kevin the Teenager', I talk of it often, but I have friends whose kids have been like that always, or it started at aged 10 or whatever, so each year that I get without that I'm grateful for.

 

I spent years not seeing what others were telling me about how my lad is unusual... I refused to see it. Now I DO see it and you've no chance of convincing me otherwise. Not sure why you'd want to, but that's your problem not mine.