bl22 Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 (edited) Well my ex dumped me back at the end of October. I can honestly say it was the worst pain I've ever felt since ive been alive. Nothing even comes close to how hurt and betrayed I felt by a woman a regarded as my soulmate, my sweetheart, my future wife and mother of my children. It is now nearing 6 months since the breakup...it shocks me to even type its been that long. No contact atall on her part, no contact on my part, which has suprsied me tbh because I felt she'd cave in and realise what we had was special but I guess not. Since then I decided to dive into what i love doing the most, my 2 passions. Music and Gym. Got back into my studio work and been going gym 5 times a week now for the past 6 months. Can say I am in totally the best shape of my life and I'm aiming high. I can honestly say I've never been more motivated and passionate for improving myself physically and mentally the way I have been, something that wouldnt have been possible without going through the hurt and betrayal of my breakup. Seriously breath of fresh air. However, I hadnt had a single date, or anything in that entire 6 months ...that is until last night. A girl I used to work with asked me out on a date and I agreed. I thought to myself hmm why not, shes a nice looking girl, friendly, just try it out. Well the date went fine, we laughed, we talked, I made jokes, we spoke about the things you'd normaly talk about on dates and we clicked quite well (nowhere near as much as my ex but yeah...) But, 1 thing was missing. A kiss. I felt like my ex was holding me back, almost like I was cheating on her if that makes sense! I guess Im just so used to having eyes only for her it felt like I was betraying her even though were not together! I remember the girl on the date standing in front of me at 1 point, it felt like she was urging me to put my arm around her....and I just couldnt! it was like my arm was telling me no. When I dropped her off back home, she looked at me in the car, I think she wanted me to kiss her but again I just said Okay bye ....and off she went. Is this normal? On the 1 hand, I feel like Im fearing rejection. Something I never used to be scared off in the past. But I know how much the feeling hurts, and dont want to ever feel it again. Ive never had this happen before. I no longer feel pain over my ex, I feel her fading away each day, and whats left is the memory of her betrayal, and Im pretty sure even that wont bother me in time. Thanks in advance for any replys Edited April 22, 2011 by bl22
Ajax Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 Hey man, congratulations on getting back on the horse. I think you're doing fine. I also tried dating again a few months ago and found that it just didn't feel right. I realized that I was tying to date for the sake of dating, hoping it would help me get over my ex. But it was just empty. I'm now taking an indefinite hiatus from dating, until i find someone I actually want to persue. Everyone's situation is different though, and first dates can be awkward under the best circumstances. If you want to continue dating this girl, go for it. If not, that's okay too. Sometimes we have to test the waters before we can feel comfortable enough going in.
Duckduckgoose Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 Just remember you're not cheating on your ex. I know this sounds hard but your ex and gone and moved on, and you don't want your ex to ruin things with this new girl. I can't say I know how you feel, because I don't feel like I am cheating on my exH and he's only been gone about 5 months. I realized that he left and in doing so he set me free. What I feel the most of is uncomfortable. I got used to my exH's smell, his body, all the little things about him. Its hard to explore and get used to a new person. Something that seems so simple... its just really complicated. I am at the point where I want to get to know a new man, but it's a lot of effort... Sometimes it seems easier to cling to what is familiar. I know that is the case with me, but I also am not going to make any attempt to contact the exH. Just gotta deal with learning the "kinks" of a new man It sucks
SimonSerenade Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 Your doing really well dude, thing's are going to feel weird at first, this is your first time of being out with somebody since your ex but thing's will eventually fall in to place as you go out and enjoy yourself more and more, I think your ego will still be a bit bruised from what she did but eventually that will fade and in return you'll start taking more chances, just relax and enjoy yourself dude, you deserve it
Stilicho Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 hey man, honestly, you are moving in the right direction, and even if it doesnt feel "right," keep moving forward and doing what you are doing. sooner or later, you wont have that apprehension that you are feeling. trust me, im going basically through the same thing. i went through a terrible break up w the girl i thought id end up marrying, back in december, and while i had the occasional dates, they still felt wrong. now, 4 months later, ive been dating somebody for about a month, and that feeling of psuedo cheating is gone, and i enjoy myself once again with other women. id be lying if i said i was in complete bliss, but, at least dating doesnt feel wrong anymore, even if im still not fully content doing it, at least i know progress is being made. keep your head up, and keep doing what your doing, and next time, force yourself to go for the kiss!
Graceful Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 Hi bl22, No matter how you look at it, you're a winner in my book. So what else matters? You got asked out? How many guys would love to have that happen to them? Nice going. Seriously, you've put real effort into moving forward and improving yourself in body, mind and spirit. But the idea of all three coming together all at once might still be a bit ambitious right now, if you know what I mean. Insofar as a kiss goes ... I'm sure that when you're feelin' it, your ex will be the last thing on your mind. You were on your first date after the worst breakup and pain of your life over the past 6 months, and taking that leap might just not have felt right to you. You were better off being honest with yourself, than forcing yourself to do something that you just weren't feeling right about. But you're not betraying your ex, and that thought should really begin to diminish little by little. You'll see. If you see this girl again, you might feel a little more at ease. Just let nature take its course. Nothing to worry about.
Author bl22 Posted April 23, 2011 Author Posted April 23, 2011 Hey man, congratulations on getting back on the horse. I think you're doing fine. I also tried dating again a few months ago and found that it just didn't feel right. I realized that I was tying to date for the sake of dating, hoping it would help me get over my ex. But it was just empty. I'm now taking an indefinite hiatus from dating, until i find someone I actually want to persue. Everyone's situation is different though, and first dates can be awkward under the best circumstances. If you want to continue dating this girl, go for it. If not, that's okay too. Sometimes we have to test the waters before we can feel comfortable enough going in. thanks for the reply ajax how did that date go with the girl? did you end up kissing her? just wondering if youve crossed that bridge yet. Yeah im certainly only testing waters at the moment. Now i know how much pain can come from relationships, its a little hard to get back into it without feeling a little anxious and scared. Just remember you're not cheating on your ex. I know this sounds hard but your ex and gone and moved on, and you don't want your ex to ruin things with this new girl. I can't say I know how you feel, because I don't feel like I am cheating on my exH and he's only been gone about 5 months. I realized that he left and in doing so he set me free. What I feel the most of is uncomfortable. I got used to my exH's smell, his body, all the little things about him. Its hard to explore and get used to a new person. Something that seems so simple... its just really complicated. I am at the point where I want to get to know a new man, but it's a lot of effort... Sometimes it seems easier to cling to what is familiar. I know that is the case with me, but I also am not going to make any attempt to contact the exH. Just gotta deal with learning the "kinks" of a new man It sucks Thanks for the reply, yeah i know my ex is gone. Tbh its a strange 1 because I no longer feel pain over her, I think I will always miss her as a person but is she the person I miss anymore. The person I miss would have never done this to me, so maybe what I miss is just an illusion...and illusion of her being the perfect girl when she is definately far from it. As far as Im concerned I am on my way up, and Ill get there without her now. Her on the other hand will eventually find out what its like to pin all hopes on 1 person and have them break your heart (the guy she left me for is 19...its inevitable) maybe then I will hear from her but if i dont who cares. It is definately her loss as I feel she got the best of me and if thats not good enough for her then thats someone elses gain (eventually) I know what you mean about smell, touch etc. I was working couple of months back and a new girl had just started, she was wearing the exact sae perfume as my ex....it was the first time I'd spelled it since the breakup obviously. Just that 1 smell reminded me of being with her, holding her, kissing her, being intimate, the joyful times etc etc...all because of 1 smell. I actually felt like saying to her ' dont wear that perfume again please i dont like it , it stinks' haha! Your doing really well dude, thing's are going to feel weird at first, this is your first time of being out with somebody since your ex but thing's will eventually fall in to place as you go out and enjoy yourself more and more, I think your ego will still be a bit bruised from what she did but eventually that will fade and in return you'll start taking more chances, just relax and enjoy yourself dude, you deserve it Thanks buddy, you're a great friend hey man, honestly, you are moving in the right direction, and even if it doesnt feel "right," keep moving forward and doing what you are doing. sooner or later, you wont have that apprehension that you are feeling. trust me, im going basically through the same thing. i went through a terrible break up w the girl i thought id end up marrying, back in december, and while i had the occasional dates, they still felt wrong. now, 4 months later, ive been dating somebody for about a month, and that feeling of psuedo cheating is gone, and i enjoy myself once again with other women. id be lying if i said i was in complete bliss, but, at least dating doesnt feel wrong anymore, even if im still not fully content doing it, at least i know progress is being made. keep your head up, and keep doing what your doing, and next time, force yourself to go for the kiss! Thanks for the reply, thats good to know! How do you see things with the girl you're dating at the moment. Difference between when I dated my ex and now is , when i started dating my ex...it was so fast and intense. Like we clicked instantly, it was like something out of a cheesy love film exactly...I can honestly say this happened every single time we were together for about a year, thats how long the honeymoon phase lasted, and when we entered the next stage, i grew even more fond of her. I thought she felt the same, In fact I blieve she did. Its stil hard to come to terms with how such a great start had such a bad end. I'll never get my head around it but maybe my ex was just a commitmentphobe as they say. When we broke up it was either take the next step in our relationship which woulda been looking towards engagement....or quit, going for the nearest bit of attention which seems more exciting because its new. never had that before. This date wasnt lke my first date with my ex. It was a fun night but very generic, the standard typical date. no fireworks. Next time I may go for the kiss, I think I'm a little scared of getting rejected though. Hi bl22, No matter how you look at it, you're a winner in my book. So what else matters? You got asked out? How many guys would love to have that happen to them? Nice going. Seriously, you've put real effort into moving forward and improving yourself in body, mind and spirit. But the idea of all three coming together all at once might still be a bit ambitious right now, if you know what I mean. Insofar as a kiss goes ... I'm sure that when you're feelin' it, your ex will be the last thing on your mind. You were on your first date after the worst breakup and pain of your life over the past 6 months, and taking that leap might just not have felt right to you. You were better off being honest with yourself, than forcing yourself to do something that you just weren't feeling right about. But you're not betraying your ex, and that thought should really begin to diminish little by little. You'll see. If you see this girl again, you might feel a little more at ease. Just let nature take its course. Nothing to worry about. Hey Graceful Always a pleasure to read your posts on here. Very inspiring words thank you. Yeah at the moment I am making sure I hit my short term goals, in quest of reaching my long term goals. I had this attitude before I met my ex... Yeah you're right, i mean the girl i was on the date with was looking very nice, attractive, smiley and happy. I feel when I'm ready it shouldnt be a problem. I'm begining to notice my ex's memory fading. Its a sad but relieving feeling. Its like that scene in eternal sunshine, where its the final memory to be erased, and hes just said goodbye to her, and looking over there times together whilst in the car and he knows its all going to be gone...easily my favourite scene out of any movie, heartbreaking but thats how it feels. But there is no other choice, I cant live in the past. Whats happened has happened, theres no changing it now...and I can honestly say I'm never going to contact my ex again. And even if she contacts me, its going to have to contain at least an 'Im sorry' before I even consider replying. Hope all is well with you x
Duckduckgoose Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 I know what you mean about smell, touch etc. I was working couple of months back and a new girl had just started, she was wearing the exact sae perfume as my ex....it was the first time I'd spelled it since the breakup obviously. Just that 1 smell reminded me of being with her, holding her, kissing her, being intimate, the joyful times etc etc...all because of 1 smell. I actually felt like saying to her ' dont wear that perfume again please i dont like it , it stinks' haha! Oh God yes! This is the craziest part! I have a really good sense of smell. One of my ex boyfriends would chew a certain kind of gum all the time... so everytime I smell that gum I think of him... the guy I've been hanging out with lately smells like berries or something... well I guess it's berries cause he smells like my damn berry yougurt, and leather... his car has leather seats so berries and leather set me off to him. My exH didn't wear cologne or anything, but I got really used to his "natural" smell. The night he left I washed the bed and air freshened the whole apartment cause I know his smell would drive me insane. I got a whiff of it a couple times since but not horribly bad. The thing that really makes me nuts is the pheremones that I can catch a whiff of off guys. If their pheremones hit me like exH's did a whole flood of memories can come rushing back which makes me nuts.
Ajax Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 You got asked out? How many guys would love to have that happen to them? Nice going. If it were Graceful doing the asking, I'd love it for sure how did that date go with the girl? did you end up kissing her? just wondering if youve crossed that bridge yet. Yeah im certainly only testing waters at the moment. Now i know how much pain can come from relationships, its a little hard to get back into it without feeling a little anxious and scared. On its own merits the date went fine, and yes I kissed her. There was no "magic" though. I just realized afterward that I was trying to date for the wround reason... to get over the ex. I'd rather wait to date until I find someone that I actually want to persue. If you like this girl and decide you want to see where it goes there's no harm in it (besides the risks we all know of relatinships). And if she goes out with you again, it's generally a pretty safe bet that she won't reject a kiss from you. I think it's pretty standard to kiss on date number two, but don't feel obligated to. I think you've done fine. Don't push yourself any faster than you feel comfortable, but don't feel guilty about moving forward either.
Recommended Posts