jane00 Posted April 7, 2004 Posted April 7, 2004 I am new to this site, and quite pleased with the postings which I have read. I am going through one of the most difficult periods in my life. Last week I found out that the man who I've been involved with for nine months, is married. I feel completely devastated. I feel like a fool. I feel like a whore. The worst thing is that I still love him...and that makes me feel like a worthless human being. After I found out about his marital situation, I contacted him; however, he was too busy to talk. Out of hurt I contacted his wife. Later that evening I sent him an e-mail describing my hurt, and asking why he had deceived me. It has been a week, and I haven't heard from him. Now I see that I was just a joke to him...everything we experienced together must have meant nothing to him. It's a terrible, terrible position to be in. I have read several of the comments from wives who are criticizing the OW. My situation may be a bit different than some of there's. However, I can truly say that at this point, I would give anything to hear from him. I would knowingly be the OW. It is amazing how one cannot see the bond that the OW has with a married man, until they become one them-self. (I do want to mention that my marriage ended due to my husband being unfaithful. Until I became the OW, I was unable to have sympathy for the OW.) Has anyone out here had a similar circumstance? How long does it take to stop the pain, and move on with your life?
befuddled11 Posted April 7, 2004 Posted April 7, 2004 Please know ,I'm surely not judging you....but Im very curious to know how you could have been in a relationship with the guy, for all of 9 months, but had no idea he was married. Did he travel a lot for work? Does his wife live there in the same town/city as you? Hadn't you ever been over to "his place"? If not, didn't you think that was weird? You obviously weren't given his "home phone number".......right? Didn't you think that was weird? Were you only ever able to call him on his work or cell number? Were there certain times that you "couldn't reach him"? I just don't get how a guy could carry on a "normal" relationship with someone for nearly a year, yet all the while, be married and living with his wife. So how did you end up finding out?? And you mentioned that whenyou found out, you called his wife. What did you say to her? What did she say to you?
Author jane00 Posted April 8, 2004 Author Posted April 8, 2004 Yes...I just responded to one of your reply's. I do have respect for your position. I ended my marriage three years ago due to my husband being unfaithful. I could never understand the position of the OW until recently. It sounds unlikely that I would unknowingly become involved with a married man. However, it has happened, and it is extremely hard for me to deal with. Yes, I did spend time at his home....several days a month. I had his home phone number. I had his work number. I attended medical conferences with him, and met his co-workers, and friends. I was known at his workplace. He was always available to take my calls. He did travel quite a bit because he did work at VA hopitals (in several different states). I assume that some of his trips to the VA were actually to his family home. He expressed a great interest in being involved with in my son's life. He said he loved young children and wanted more. I knew all about his children....names, colleges, everyday stories, saw all the pictures, etc... We were trying for a baby, making plans to take the next step...move in together, marriage, etc... He has been able to get by with this lie since his family lives in Canada. His children are in college, and I truly don't know the relationship with his wife. He has been presenting himself as a single man four the last three years. Last week he was making plans for "our" future. Looking for a home, and securing a new medical practice in my town. I happened to look on the internet to see if he was posted on the new hospitals website. However, his name pulled up a joblisting. The joblisting stated that he was living in Canada and working in the U.S. He was looking for a job in Canada. I called the Canadian number....a woman answered...it was his wife. She said that "men will be men". She also told me that she has never met a man worth getting that upset over (I was crying). I apologized to her, asked for her forgiveness, and that's all that I know to do. She didn't ask for details...in fact she really didn't seem to care. Perhaps she doesn't care, or didn't want to believe me.
sportsloving Posted April 8, 2004 Posted April 8, 2004 Wow. That is a terribly sad situation but I do not believe you should be so hard on yourself about it. It is his error, his problem... NOT yours. As for the wife, I can't say why she seemed to not have anything to say other than "men will be men". Perhaps it has happened so often that she really doesn't care anymore. I do hope you know that your situation is not your fault. He should have been truthful to you, but I don't think he is going to try to help you deal with anything especially since he won't answer your email. I am really sorry and hope that you find someone who is worthy of your love.
morrigan Posted April 8, 2004 Posted April 8, 2004 I'm sorry about the lies and pain he put you through, but you need to let up on yourself and let go of this man. You deserve to be with someone who only wants to be with you. Break off from this man--even if his wife doesn't seem to care, he's still married. Involving yourself with him would be putting yourself into an emotional quagmire. You'll love him, hoping and praying that maybe someday he will leave his wife for you. You will take any time he has to spare to be with you. You will put your life and self esteem on the back burner, waiting for this married man to do something he probably won't do.
Arabess Posted April 8, 2004 Posted April 8, 2004 Hey Girl.....One year later....this could be YOUR post. Read the whole thing. You aren't alone, you aren't stupid, you aren't a slut...... and you WILL get thru it. I'm not sure at what point I drank enough beer to post the story.....but it's in there. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t35533/ I'll get back with you...
Girlie Posted April 8, 2004 Posted April 8, 2004 I do feel for you, but now that you know the truth, you really do need to commit yourself to moving on. This man is, to be blunt and without swearing, a lieing sack of crap. There is absolutely no excuse for what he's done to you. I can tell you have strong feelings for him, but you've got to know that the person you had strong feelings for is a lie. The single guy that you fell for doesn't exist. And I hate to say it because I don't know for sure, but I would guess based on his wife's reaction and his situation that you are probably not his first OW and probably not his last. My situation is not completely similar, but here goes: I was dating a man for about a year and a half. We were having trouble towards the end of our relationship and I was aware that their was infidelity on his part. He went away for a weekend, and I found out from a friend of his that he had gone with his ex to Vegas. He came back married. He wasn't going to tell me, but I found out. To my own disgust, I stayed with him for a while after that until I just couldn't handle the guilt anymore. His wife actually allowed him to have other girlfriends because she felt she couldn't control him and she'd rather he not go behind her back. But I didn't want a relationship like that, nor did I want to commit adultery because I know it is wrong. So I cut all ties. Didn't talk to him, didn't see him, and did my best to focus on other things. It's been about 6 years now since that relationship ended, and I can honestly say that looking back, I wish I would have ended it sooner. At the very least, I'm glad that I ended it when I did. It took some time to heal and there were times when I was miserable. But I would have been much more miserable had a hung onto something that was not good for me. It was better for me to experience the pain of losing that and be able to find something better in the future, and it will be for you, too. Good luck!
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